The Way of Effortless Mindfulness, page 15
We transition through the gap of “not knowing” for what can be a short or long period of time in our lives when we don’t have an understanding of who we really are, what we’re doing, or what we’re here for. This natural part of the journey can feel scary, but we don’t have to get stuck here as we have learned early on to resource with the new operating system of awake awareness.
The Dos and Don’ts of Awakening
A main reason we experience so much unknown is that we are changing drivers in the vehicle that is our sense of self. In the past, we had a competent manager part that was on duty sitting in the driver’s seat of our sense of self, vigilant about our experience, managing our choices, and analyzing things. Moving into living from Self requires removing this manager from the driver’s seat so that Self can sit there. Self is not a new manager, but it does need to acknowledge and connect to the managers and functional parts of our body and mind.
The small self’s strongest survival programming is a series of four “don’ts” and six “shoulds.” Here are the four “don’ts” of the small self and the solutions from the interconnected Self:
1.Don’t go out of your mind. To find your ground of Self, you need to go against your ego’s strongest rules of survival. When you do, you end up realizing that it is sane for local awareness to go out of your small mind to discover the source of mind—awake awareness.
2.Don’t become nobody. As you follow your intention of living as your true Self and let go into the unknown, you will go through a sense of becoming “nobody.” Don’t worry. This is normal. In this phase, you’re not becoming a blank slate or a robot; you are simply not feeling like the somebody you thought you were. As you move through the gap of “nobody” into awake awareness, you’ll increasingly start to feel the ground of your Self.
3.Don’t lose control. The old identity has to lose control and release, let go, or surrender for a moment in order for the new ground of Self to emerge. This can feel disorienting since we’ve been deeply conditioned to control everything and to desire predictability. But it is a normal and liberating phase of awakening to experience disorientation before reorientation.
4.Don’t stop thinking. When you stop relying on thought-based knowing, you don’t become dumb or ignorant. Instead, you move beyond the dualistic mind’s limited way of knowing to a new kind of wisdom that is naturally available.
Here are the six “shoulds” of the small self and the solutions from the interconnected Self:
1.I should be the small self to know. How can I know if I don’t think? The small self comes in with doubt and fear to say, “You need to go to thought and know conceptually.” Instead, there is a new, nonconceptual not-knowing that knows, a heart-knowing that is prior to thought. Only when we stop trying to understand things through our dualistic thoughts will we start to receive a direct knowing that can come through a deeper connection to the space and silence of awake awareness.
2.I should be the small self to be safe. Who will keep me safe if I don’t construct plans and protect myself with vigilance? We are drawn back to the parts-based identity to be safe. Instead, the ground of Self provides a way to be safe without constantly scanning for danger. A new sense of safety emerges as we feel Self beyond the stories of our lives, which is safer than we feel through the ego managers. As for day-to-day safety issues, our intuition shows us the way, and our thinking mind is still available for problem solving when we need it.
Another safety concern might come up in the mind’s eye when we surrender into the gap of no-self on our way to the greater freedom of Self. The deeper level of the small self program is to avoid its own death, so the transition through egolessness or no-self feels like who we are is threatened with nonexistence. The best thing to do here is to know that this experience of no-self as we release from the small self is normal, as is the fear, and they will both naturally pass as we emerge into something greater.
3.I should be the small self to avoid pain. We feel like we should return to the parts-based identity to avoid emotional and physical pain. Ironically, it is when we try to avoid pain that it turns into suffering. Our thinking mind often tries to rationalize away difficult emotions, physical sensations, or painful life events. Our small self does not have the capacity to live a fully intimate, emotional human life because when living from the small self, we can often be avoidant of experience. From Self-leadership, we can lovingly approach pain rather than fearfully avoid it. We can find an acceptance of the normal unpleasant experiences in life and release the suffering that we have about our pain. We operate from an awareness that is able to be with unpleasant feelings without pushing them away and is able to be with pleasant feelings without clinging to them. Our inner intelligence can also distinguish between real danger signals, false alarms, and growing pains.
4.I should be the small self to function. We may feel that we should return to the parts-based identity to take actions and do things in the world. Indeed, the small mind and ego functioning are superb at certain tasks, such as problem solving, planning, and other types of organizing. It is important to note that in growing from small self to greater Self, we are not abandoning the small mind; we are no longer pretending that the small mind is what “I” am. Instead, “I” can use the thinking mind as a tool, among other tools to choose from. As we shift from parts-based identity to Self, there is a rewiring that allows us to remain at home in heart-knowing and access information without going back to create a “doer,” or small self. From here, we can respond rather than react.
5.I should be separate in order to have loving relationships with others. Individuation is indeed important as a developmental stage for human beings—to learn a sense of autonomy, to know boundaries, to be able to feel and ask for our needs. Moving from small self to interconnected Self does not mean dissipating our boundaries, being a codependent personality that just gives in to everyone else’s needs, or being too vulnerable to function in relationship. We keep the skills we have learned in our individuation process. We are simply including and transcending individual body-mind as the location of identity. We can keep our individuation as a location point in time and space while we simultaneously operate as and from something much bigger.
Another way we can get caught in the illusion of needing to be separate is if we believe that we are lovable specifically due to our small self. We feel like we should focus on our personality, our looks, and the way we act to be loved. In other words, in this case, we are still seeing love as conditional—conditional upon who we make ourselves to be. Instead, from Self, we experience that love is who we already are. We are love, and we are lovable unconditionally.
6.I should try to improve the small self to become awake. This one is the trickiest obstacle because it is difficult to notice when it is happening. This is when the small self “grows up” as much as it can and thinks that it is true Self. Because the small self thinks it should become more developed and smarter, it is unwilling to let go in order to grow. When students say, “I can’t do it,” they are actually right. That “I” can’t do it!
The small self desperately screams, “Do not leave me! If I am not in charge, I will die!” But this is not what will happen. While doing the job of the ego function, the ego managers have mistakenly taken on the role of identity. In awakening, they semi-retire from working the job of identity and return to their natural job of ego function.
In terms of waking up and growing up, it is important to note that when the ego strengths, which were vital for our previous stage of development, form into ego identity, this acts as the main obstacle to the next stage of development and into true Self.
Living from Self-Leadership
We have believed ourselves to be the parts-based ego identity for so long that letting go to grow beyond it can feel like death. What is dying is the identity role that the manager parts have been playing; what is dying is the lens through which you viewed Self and reality. However, this dying allows for a transition into what can also feel like rebirth. This kind of dying is like a seed that has to be buried underground to sprout through the soil and grow to its bigger nature as a tree. It requires a complete letting go—a release or surrender.
This kind of surrender does not happen if we fight, push, resist, or exert too much effort. While the small self does go through a kind of death, it doesn’t die if we try to kill it. Nor can it be fought, or even improved, into the interconnected Self. It is important to respect that our ego managers are not our enemies; they have developed to protect us, and they have protected us when we needed them. They deserve honor, not destruction.
What happens if we fight them, deny them, or try to shove them away? Most people who have tried to get rid of their egos have reported that the battle ends up strengthening the ego defenses or creates a Self-like spiritual ego manager. When this happens, our personality can become similar to that of a religious fundamentalist who is convinced of their beliefs but judges everyone else. The ego manager who now takes the role as spiritual know-it-all will still be holding a false sense of control and “knowledge” of how things are, without truly submitting to the don’t-know mind or relinquishing the personal will in order for the natural flow of open-hearted awareness to guide our actions.
These managers have not yet allowed for humility to leave space for the awakened Self to be fully open to the unknown. The “spiritual manager” can also do a great job at keeping certain tendencies—like overcontrol or intellectualization—out of our awareness, blinding us to areas of growth we need to integrate. While reading about these spiritual traps and detours, it is helpful to remember that there are gradations of these tendencies rather than “I have that” or “I don’t have that anymore.” Most of us undergo all of these processes to a certain extent. They are deeply wired in us!
Transitioning out of our conditioned ways is an unfolding. Self rarely remains at the seat of our conscious awareness after the initial glimpse. The ego managers have established deep habits that prioritize safety and survival according to their programming, and the perceived need for safety continues to reconstitute ego defenses that obscure awake awareness. But these innocent habits of our old conditioning will gradually subside as a new connection to the ground of Self and heart-knowing stabilizes.
Because Self naturally has qualities of acceptance, patience, compassion, warmth, and equanimity, we begin to have a baseline of these qualities at all times in a way that we didn’t have before, and over time, that baseline grows stronger. For example, a student told me, “Nowadays, I’ve noticed that no matter what is happening in my work or relationships, I feel good even when I don’t feel good.” Remarkably, we can experience an essential happiness regardless of what’s going on in our daily lives. We feel an underlying well-being because Self is not dependent on conditions or on the ongoing difficulties and delights of daily life.
Peer Inquiries
Awakening is not solely an individual journey; we all affect each other, making it a social and community endeavor as well. I’ve developed six peer inquiry practices that you can do with a partner, face-to-face or remotely. Each peer inquiry practice is its own individual set of questions designed to help you access your true Self and speak from Self-leadership to another person. You can do one at a time or go through all six peer inquiry practices in a row.
As you begin each peer inquiry practice, decide who will ask first and who will respond first. The person asking will read the first question, wait for a response, then read the second question, wait for a response, and so on, until their partner has responded to the last question. Then switch roles.
Here are pointers for the process:
•Understand the words of the inquiry.
•Unhook awareness from thinking and allow awareness to look back and know directly with awareness.
•From this new awareness-based knowing, let words arise and speak them without going to thinking.
•It is not so important what your answer is but that you look with awareness and learn to speak and relate to another person from awareness-based knowing.
GLIMPSEPeer Inquiry Practice 1
1.Who is hearing?
2.Where is the hearer?
3.What is here if there is no problem to solve now?
GLIMPSEPeer Inquiry Practice 2
1.Tell me about what is aware without going to thought.
2.Tell me about that which is aware, which is beyond words.
3.What is aware of the six senses?
4.Does this awareness have a color, shape, or location?
5.What is it like if awareness knows the six senses from within?
GLIMPSEPeer Inquiry Practice 3
1.When awareness drops below the neck and opens, what does this open-hearted awareness know?
2.What does the welcoming heart know?
3.Is this awake awareness an experience occurring to you, or is this who you are?
4.What is the relationship between awareness and any unpleasant feelings?
5.What is the relationship between awareness and beliefs and stories?
6.What is the relationship between awareness and the fear of the fear of death?
GLIMPSEPeer Inquiry Practice 4
1.What is aware of movement and mental sensations?
2.Where is the “I”?
3.Is there anything missing or anything that needs to be pushed away?
4.Can you live from open-hearted awareness?
GLIMPSEPeer Inquiry Practice 5
1.What is here before the “I” thought arises?
2.Is this awake awareness an experience, or is it me? Is it what is?
3.What does open-hearted awareness know?
GLIMPSEPeer Inquiry Practice 6
1.Who is hearing?
2.Where is the hearer?
3.Where are we hearing from?
4.What is here, now, when there is no problem to solve?
5.Where are you aware from?
6.Tell me about the awareness that is knowing.
7.What does everything feel like as awareness-energy?
8.What do you know from your heart?
These peer inquiries can help make the transition from a passive stage of resting as awake awareness to rewiring, talking, and walking from open-hearted awareness. This can also build community. When you finish the series with each other, continue to talk about other things in your life from this new awareness-based way of knowing and relating. The goal is for us all to awaken together and help others from our natural compassionate motivation.
9
Glimpsing All the Way Home
I hope you are enjoying this journey of effortless mindfulness and have found some helpful mindful glimpses to discover a true taste of freedom. I also hope you will continue in the way of effortless mindfulness in your daily life. Waking up and growing up both need consistency to change the old habits of consciousness to a new normal. However, consistency is not easy. As you know from other helpful habits that need regular practice, like exercising, eating vegetables, drinking water, and brushing your teeth, the main support of effortless mindfulness is consistency—small glimpses, many times during the day.
You may have noticed the everyday chattering mind starts to establish its habit of creating a small self or “mini-me” first thing in the morning. So a morning meditation is important to transition from sleep to wakeful living. You might enjoy this unique suggestion, which is to do a mindful glimpse in the morning while still in bed. When you wake up in bed, hit the snooze alarm and roll over on your back. Then you can use your smartphone (with earphones if you’re not alone) or do a mindful glimpse from memory as a transition from dream/sleep to “waking up” in both senses of the phrase.
Alternatively, begin by getting out of bed and finding a place to sit with your eyes open or closed for your morning mindful glimpse. Start your meditation session with a way of settling in and calming your animal body and brain that works for you. This is where many people find deliberate mindfulness practice to be especially helpful. A breath practice, chanting, prayer, chi gong, yoga, lovingkindness, checking in with your inner parts, dedicating your practice to all beings, and/or connecting to your supports can be helpful before a mindful glimpse.
Tune in, marinate, and entrain your brain to begin the day from effortless mindfulness as best you can. This first fine-tuning of your operating system is important. The main shift is moving from looking to thoughts to looking to awareness, which looks to itself. Then awake awareness can include thoughts, feelings, and energy arising as effortless mindfulness embodied.
You can set an alert in the calendar on your smartphone to remind you to do mindful glimpses throughout the day. You can record the mindful glimpses in your own voice or listen to one of my recordings. It is particularly helpful to learn to do the mindful glimpses with eyes open, such as while looking out the window, walking, or looking over your computer screen, and you can then return to your daily activities from effortless heart-mindfulness.
