“Don’t you think you could have told me you were engaged,” he spat, “instead of leading me on?”

  “I didn’t lead you on,” she protested before realizing that’s exactly what she’d been doing. She grabbed his forearm and dragged him into a nearby alley before they caused a scene.

  He let her lead, but once she released his arm, he crossed them and widened his stance in a defensive manner. “Then what do you call our little tongue dance in the club? The kiss outside your apartment?”

  “Forget that ever happened.” She scanned the narrow alley with its brick walls and fire escapes. A memory of another life with Antonio flashed through her mind. They’d tumbled into an alley like this one during the middle of a show. Their bodies were so close while the band played, and Antonio had whispered all the things he wanted to do to her, getting her so hot she begged him to take her outside. Once scanning the area to make sure they were alone, he pinned her arms against the brick wall, hiked her skirt up…

  Antonio grabbed her hand, slamming her back to the ugly reality at present. “You didn’t have this rock on.” His eyes blazed when he looked up from the diamond on her finger. “Why?” He read her shirt, and his voice dropped to an icy notch. “I see. I was a final fling.”

  The fear that had welled up in her moments dissipated. “First of all, the ring was at the jeweler’s. Being set to go with my band.” She pulled her hand away. “And second,” she snapped. “It was just a kiss. Get over it!”

  “Which time?” he seethed. “When you were grinding your ass against me like a cat in heat? Or pawing me in your back yard? Neither one of those felt like just a kiss to me.”

  Her mouth dropped open. Like a cat in heat? Nobody could get her as heated as Antonio did. She glared at him while her blood boiled. What he was saying had some truth to it and that pissed her off even more. She hadn’t planned on seducing him or leading him on. She took a deep breath to keep from being so defensive and find some composure, but once she began to speak, her volume escalated. “You think you can saunter back into my life after leaving me three damn years ago and think everything’s going to be the same as it was? Like I’m going to drop everything to pick up where we left off because you’re feeling nostalgic? It doesn’t work that way!”

  She sounded like a brat. Why not just cross her arms, stomp her feet, and declare, “Not fair!” She had to control her raging emotions and calm the hell down.

  “Nothing is the same,” his said, his voice low and heated. “I know that more than anyone.”

  His dark eyes appeared haunted, and she yearned to reach out to him, brush away whatever demons consumed him. But no, she couldn’t expose herself to him, giving him an open invitation to hurt her again. “If you’d come home two weeks later. Or if one of us didn’t go to the show that night, we wouldn’t have seen each other, I’d marry Brett, and we’d go on with our lives the way we were.”

  His expression appeared pained. “That didn’t happen.”

  “I know. And that’s what screwed everything up!”

  “Why?” His voice softened to a delicious tone that melted her. “Tell me why?”

  “Because—because—” she stammered. What was she trying to say?

  “Do you still have feelings for me, Lina?” His eyes probed hers, searching for answers.

  Lina inhaled and exhaled before closing her eyes. When she reopened them, she said, “Of course not, I’m getting married.” She heard the false tone in her voice and hoped he didn’t know her well enough to catch on. The trouble was, he did. And he called her out on it.

  “Is it because you’ve realized something isn’t right with the guy you’re planning on marrying?”

  “I—uh—I don’t know anymore.” She threw her hands out to the side. “Everything was going along fine. We graduated. We were happy and we had a plan—get married, move in together. He already has a decent job. I’m looking for a part-time job while I’m in grad school. And now—now.” She searched around the city streets, looking for answers and caught her friends down the block watching the entire scene play out and striving to overhear. When they knew they were caught, they stumbled over each other as they attempted to appear in conversation. Lina turned back to Antonio. “Now I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  “Tell me something. Are you marrying this guy for the right reasons?”

  She flinched when he hit a nerve. “Don’t ask me questions like that.”

  “Why not? Don’t you love him?”

  “Of course I love him. Why else would we decide to get married?”

  He ignored that question. “Like you loved me?”

  Her eyes darted around to avoid his, searching for sanctuary, but the alley provided none. “We were young and wild and foolish. It was doomed to fail. What I feel for Brett is”—what was the word she was looking for?—“different.” She shrugged, unable to find a better term.

  “Is it passionate?” He moved closer.

  His penetrating gaze burned through her. “Don’t,” she warned, peering at him.

  “Why not?”

  “You ended it.” She raised her hands to his chest, keeping him at arm’s length. “You broke my heart. It took me forever to get past it, but I did.”

  He advanced, eyes gleaming with a predatory glint. Her feeble attempt at holding him back failed as his chest met her hands and the connection seared her.

  “You don’t have any feelings for me now?” His voice was liquid fire, heating her veins. “Standing here in front of you—you feel nothing?”

  She dropped her hands, and he inched closer. His warm breath fanned her cheek.

  “Don’t do this.” Her voice came out a mere rasp.

  “Nothing at all?” he prodded.

  “You’re making this harder for me.”

  “Agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone is a hard decision. Maybe nobody has asked you the tough questions, but I sure as hell will before you screw up your life.”

  His dominating tone infuriated her. Amid her confused emotions, she found her voice. “Don’t patronize me, Antonio. You don’t know him. And you don’t know what’s best for me either. You didn’t back then, and you sure as hell don’t right now after disappearing from my life for three damn years.”

  A buzzing from her phone caught her attention.

  “Who’s that?” he snapped. “Your fee-ahnn-say?”

  She bristled, but didn’t bother to reply to his antagonizing tone.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll leave you alone. Go find your happy ever after. I’m sorry I screwed things up for you by coming here, because even now, all I want is for you to be happy.”

  He turned and walked down the alley, letting his final words hang in the air around her. She watched him, heavy feelings of regret settling over her, as he disappeared into the city night. Then she answered Brett’s call.

  Chapter Five

  Lina stared at the sunlight casting odd shapes on her ceiling. Last night in the club was an absolute disaster. The shocked and betrayed look on Antonio’s face as he saw her in the goofy bridal veil drove a dagger into her heart. Her bachelorette party, what was supposed to be a fun girls’ night out bidding farewell to her life as a single woman, had turned into a nightmare.

  She hadn’t been able to bear seeing how she’d hurt Antonio. After a shortened explanation to Krystal, she’d apologized to her friends telling them she had to go home. “Thanks so much for the awesome send off,” she’d said. “But I’m not feeling good. I think I’ve had too much to drink.”

  That was an easy excuse to understand. Many bachelorettes had overdone it and ended up sick. The truth was she hadn’t had too much to drink, but seeing Antonio had sobered her mood. Unfortunately, they’d seen her arguing with Antonio so could probably piece together what really soured her mood.

  She stumbled into the kitchen and brewed some coffee, not seeing Krystal on the couch until she spoke.

  “You look like shit,” Krystal declared, glancing up from her phone.

  “I feel like it, too,” Lina replied.

  Krystal stuffed the phone into her jeans pocket. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Lina ran a hand through her hair, tangled from a night of tossing. “I haven’t slept.”

  “Does it have something to do with a hot Italian Marine who dropped back into your life?”

  “Everything was fine until I saw him.”

  Krystal walked over to the kitchen counter and plopped onto one of the stools. “So you still have feelings?”

  Lina stared at the dripping coffee. “A mind fuck load.”

  “You sure it’s because of him, or is he an excuse you can grab onto because of cold feet.” Krystal tapped her finger on the counter as she spoke, something Lina had often seen her do as she worked through her thoughts. “I’ve heard about this happening. A woman—or man—freaks out right before the wedding, wondering if they’re doing the right thing. Looking around at the other possibilities.” She waved an arm wide. “Fantasizing about running off with someone else. Marriage is big. Lifelong commitment and all that shit.” Krystal shrugged. “So it’s a total escape clause.”

  “Where did you hear about this?” Lina asked. “Some whacked talk show?”

  Krystal scrunched her face. “Perhaps.”

  Lina considered the rationale. “It does kind of make sense. I can’t stop thinking about him.”

  “About jumping his bones?” Krystal’s tone rose to an overexcited octave.

  “Yes. All the time,” Lina admitted. “I haven’t thought about sex this much since—well, since I first met Antonio. Our sexual attraction was like nothing I’d ever experienced.” She remembered the early days when they couldn’t get enough of each other. Snapping back to the present, she added, “But then there’s the escape clause you mentioned.”

  “Meaning?”

  “I do fantasize about running off with him.”

  “Hmm.” Krystal resumed her finger tapping. “This is tricky.”

  “I know.”

  “I wish I had a talk show to back me up right now because I don’t know where to go with it. I mean, who’s to say what you feel for Antonio is real? Or fantasy?”

  Lina widened her eyes to agree. The whole idea was exasperating.

  “Oh, wait, I know. What happens when you think of Brett?”

  “I feel guilty.”

  “Love?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay then.” Krystal hmmed while she thought and then slammed the counter. “I think you’re shit out of luck, because I have no idea what to tell you.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Lina said. She could have figured that part out on her own.

  “Except…” Krystal added. “It’s a choice you need to make.”

  Lina closed her eyes. “That’s the problem.”

  “Talk to me, Lina. Tell me what’s going on in that troubled brain of yours. I can see the turmoil all over your face.”

  Lina opened her eyes. “Well, there’s Brett. On paper he’s the clear choice. He has a job, a degree, a place to live. We have a plan for our future. And the one plus: he’s never hurt me.” Lina stared at her hands. “Antonio’s a wild card. He’s in some transition period in his life.” She raised her hands, running them through her tangled hair. “He has no job, no place, is just starting school, and God only knows the damage from his deployments.” Her voice came out small as she stared out the window. “He left me broken, and it took a long time for me to put the pieces back together.”

  “I sense there’s a ‘but’ coming,” Krystal said.

  “Yes. A big one.”

  “Lay it on me.”

  Lina’s glanced out the kitchen window, out to the back yard where she’d invited him for a drink and ended up kissing him. “Seeing Antonio again was like waking up after a long sleep. Parts of me that have been dormant for years, going through the motions of life, doing what I was supposed to do in college, they lit up. This will sound corny, but being around him makes me feel more alive than I have in a long time.” She faced Krystal. “I know Brett seems like the obvious choice and that I’d be throwing my future away for Antonio. But it doesn’t feel like it.” She covered her heart. “In here.”

  Krystal stared at her before saying, “Fuck.”

  “I know, right? There’s so much more to Antonio than he lets anyone see.”

  “Like what?”

  Lina sat up straighter. “He grew up in the city and has that guarded, tough boy attitude I’ve seen with many kids when I did my student teaching. But he’s very considerate. He loves his family and would do anything for them. He’s volunteered with kids at the Boys and Girls Club.”

  “Oh, yeah, that’s pretty cool. Doing what?”

  “He used to play games with them—basketball, dodge ball—whatever would engage them and keep them off the streets. He said that place made a big difference in his life growing up and wanted to give back.” Lina paused while her thoughts ran. “I wonder if it’s something he’d want to do now.” She shook her head. “No, so much time has gone by I wonder if I still know him anymore.”

  “Sounds like you know him pretty damn well.”

  “He said something to me when he was here. That people don’t change much. They’re still the same they have always been for the most part.” Lina nodded at Krystal. “What do you think?”

  Krystal peered at her for a long moment then spread her hands out. “I don’t know about that. I’m still reeling from all you told me trying to find some good piece of advice to give you.”

  “Doubt there is any,” Lina said. “I’m screwed.”

  Lina barely slept that night. Anxiety bloomed the closer she got to the wedding date. Maybe what Krystal heard was right; it was a normal sign of cold feet. But each time she’d seen Antonio, doubts about marrying Brett increased. Was she making a mistake? No, Brett was a good man. They’d be happy together.

  Wouldn’t they?

  They might be content, but happy? She’d never experienced the whirlwind of passions with Brett as she had with Antonio, both high enough to shoot her to the stars and low enough to bury her. Which was better to have in a relationship—security or passion? She paced her kitchen floor, chewing on her bottom lip while she debated what to do. Stopping to watch the coffee brew, she made a decision, hoping it was the right one.

  Later that morning, Lina went to Brett’s. “We need to talk.”

  Brett groaned. “Nothing good comes when someone says that.”

  “I know.” She fidgeted in his living room before sitting next to him on his couch. “The thing is I’ve been having doubts lately.”

  He furrowed his brows. “About the wedding?”

  “Yes.”

  “You think we’re rushing it?”

  “Yes, but there’s more to it than that.”

  “What?”

  “It’s us, too.”

  Brett took a deep breath and exhaled. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m wondering if we’re making a mistake.”

  He took her hand in his. “I know what this is. The wedding is getting close, and you’re starting to freak out. Anxiety kicking up with how much you hate the idea of all that attention. It’s normal. I’ve had some worries myself. But, it will be over in a flash, and everything will be all right.”

  “That’s the thing, Brett. I don’t know if it will.”

  “Are you feeling okay?”

  “Yes. No. It’s just that I think we haven’t thought this through enough.”

  “Thought what through? I love you. You love me, don’t you?”

  She considered it. She did love him. It wasn’t the intense, all-consuming love she had for Antonio, but Brett was a good solid person, reliable. Sure, he had his mood swings when he’d freak out, especially after one of his teams lost, but everyone had quirks. She just walked away when he was in one of those moods, avoiding confrontation.

  “Yes.”

  “Then what else do we need to think about?”

  She took a deep breath. “The fact that this isn’t only for now, but forever. Not for a few months or a few years, but for good. That we’re promising to spend the rest of our lives together.”

  “Of course I’ve thought about that. That’s what marriage is.”

  “I’m not sure if I can promise you that.”

  “Lina.”

  “I’m sorry. But I think this is a mistake. Because as much as I care about you and love you, I don’t think it’s enough. I think another woman may be able to give you more than I can.”

  “You don’t love me?” Darkness passed over his face. She found the glint in his eyes disturbing.

  “I do. But not enough.”

  “What the hell happened?” he shouted and squeezed her hand so tight, she cried out. “Why the sudden change of heart days before our wedding?”

  “Let go of me, Brett!” she said, struggling to get out of his grasp. She’d never seen him like this. Eyes filled with anger. And—hatred.

  She wriggled out of his hold and jumped up, but he followed her, grabbing her shoulder and forcing her to face him.

  “Tell me what the hell is going on. Is there another guy?”

  “Stop grabbing me. What’s gotten into you?”

  “It might have something to do with my fiancée telling me she doesn’t love me.”

  “I didn’t say that!” Lina protested.

  He grabbed her other arm as well, fingers digging into her shoulder. He continued as if he didn’t hear her. “Tell me this right before we’re supposed to get married? So I guess the wedding’s off. How am I supposed to tell my family, huh?”

  She tried prying his fingers off her shoulders, but they didn’t move. His eyes, so full of rage, terrified her. He’d never touched her like this before. Since they’d never had a real fight before, there was no reason to. But seeing him infuriated like this—like a monster—made her realize she didn’t even know the man she had been promising to spend the rest of her life with.

  “You’re hurting me. Let go!”

  “Hurting you?” he spat. “You don’t think you’re hurting me right now?”

 

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