Cowboy Preacher, page 12
part #7 of Glory, Montana Series
“I see someone who has a quick mind and is eager to learn and who takes the scriptures to heart, applying them to her life.”
She jerked away, sucking in a deep breath. “I don’t always do what is right.”
“Clara, none of us does. But we seek forgiveness for our mistakes and learn from them.”
Her gaze remained on the distance.
He wondered what she saw, what she thought, but he wasn’t sure now was the time to ask. Today was about simply enjoying each other’s company.
She released a sigh that seemed to come from deep inside. “I remember when Papa told me how his grandfather lived before the white man chased them from their hunting grounds and before the buffalo were hard to find. He told about the buffalo jump his tribe used. He once showed it to me. It was amazing to think of the animals plunging to their death.” She shuddered. “But it was how the people survived.” Her voice grew sorrowful. “Many die of starvation now that it is hard to find the buffalo.”
He sat up so he could face her. “You are a blend of both races. Like a bridge between them.”
She snorted. “But accepted by neither.”
“That’s the first time you’ve said anything about the natives not accepting you. I didn’t realize.”
She shrugged. “It is a fact in my life and in Louie’s. We are used to it.”
He saw pain flicker through her eyes and wondered how used to it she really was. He trailed his finger along her cheek, overjoyed when she leaned into his touch. He let his thumb linger at the corner of her mouth. She closed her eyes.
He leaned forward, tipped her face toward him, and brushed his lips over hers.
She kept her eyes closed a moment then, with a sigh, leaned back. “It’s nice to get away from town.”
He wasn’t sure what she meant, but he’d believe she simply enjoyed being with him.
“Clara?” Louie’s voice was loud and demanding. “Where are you? I’m hungry.”
With a laugh, she got to her feet. “Coming.” She reached for Alex’s hand. “Didn’t you say something about a picnic?”
Hand in hand, they trotted back. Annie and Louie waited.
“I brought a lunch from the diner. I’ll get the basket.”
“Can I help?” Clara asked.
“You could bring some blankets.”
They returned to the wagon, got the lunch and the blankets, and spread the feast out among the yellow- and red-leafed bushes. Overhead the trees were draped in golden leaves, and the sky was blue as a mountain lake.
The smell of fried chicken and apple turnovers mingled with the sage scent from nearby plants.
Louie ate hurriedly and ran off to play. Annie ate more slowly and then wandered away, leaving Clara and Alex alone.
“This is really nice,” she said. “I miss being outside.”
“Weren’t there times you were afraid?”
The look she gave him was half challenge and half regret. “Of course I was. Especially when Stella and Bruce came back to their place. What if they found out I had lived in their barn? Used their garden? Would they want me arrested? Then what would happen to Louie? That was my biggest fear.”
“I’m glad you were discovered by people who were kind and understanding.” He gave her a moment to respond, but she didn’t. “I think we’ll find there are many people like that.”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t cancel out those who aren’t nice.”
He leaned close, taking her hands. “Clara, we can choose to ignore them.”
Her eyes shone with challenge. He blinked.
“It’s easy to say that, but I would have a hard time ignoring unkindness to Louie. He doesn’t deserve that.”
“You are quite right. I believe it would be up to us to love him so much that those remarks would lose any power to hurt him.”
The fight went from her, and her shoulders sank. “You’re saying it again.”
“I’m saying love conquers hate, and love can overcome challenges.”
Her gaze held his, steady, probing.
He let her search as long, as deep as she wanted.
She blinked and turned away.
Had she found what she searched for?
11
Clara wanted to believe every word Alex said. She wanted to believe love was enough. But he didn’t even know about Louie. Was his love enough to accept that?
She wasn’t ready to test it. Let him see what others would say about their relationship before she ventured to tell him that truth.
The next few days were some of the best she had ever experienced. Every evening, Alex asked her to walk with him. She’d always loved the outdoors, but the colors had become brighter, the bird’s song sweeter, the scents more alluring.
She enjoyed every minute of her time with him except for the nagging knowledge that if they continued to see each other and their fondness grew, she would have to tell him her secret.
She knew she should do so sooner rather than later, but she didn’t want to risk changing things between them.
Over breakfast a few days later, Alex spoke to Clara. “I will be away most of the day. I promised to visit some people.”
All eyes went from Alex to Clara. Her cheeks warmed, both at being singled out and at the smiles the others exchanged.
“I’ll be busy,” was all she managed to say before her voice broke.
She indeed kept very busy. She ironed clothes. She scrubbed the floor. She baked a cake, and then make the Kinsley butterscotch pudding. She peeled enough potatoes for three meals.
Finally Mrs. Kinsley said, “Slow down. We have enough food for days.”
“Maybe a batch of cookies.”
Mrs. Kinsley studied her a moment. “Fine. I can always send some to Jonathan Bates.”
She finished the cookies then told Mrs. Kinsley she was going to the store. She had no money to purchase anything, but she must escape this place. And the feeling that she waited for Alex to return.
She sauntered to Main Street, hoping she wouldn’t encounter anyone who would comment about her heritage. She reached the store without anyone speaking to her apart from hello.
Mrs. Kinsley had asked her to get a packet of pins, so she went inside. Mr. White’s sister-in-law, Lisa, greeted her kindly.
If only everyone was as accepting as the Kinsleys and the Whites.
“How is the Indian lady?” Lisa asked.
“She’s doing well.”
“Good to hear.”
“Yes, it is. She planned to die, but I think having so many people around, especially Louie, has convinced her she might like to live.”
“Could she really decide to stop living?”
“I’ve heard it happens, but only to old people.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” Lisa laughed. “Not that I want to die for a long, long time. I have so many dreams yet to fulfill.” Her eyes grew dreamy, then she blinked to attention. “What is that young preacher like?”
“Mr. Keystone?” As if there was any other young preacher in the vicinity. “He’s nice. Very dedicated to his work.” Something she must remember.
“He’s interested in you, isn’t he?”
Clara couldn’t move. How had she found out? Did everyone in town know? She’d hoped for a few more days before the news got around.
Before objections could be raised about Alex’s choice of companion…a girl who was neither white nor native and her brother who was obviously native.
With a word of thanks, she took the packet of pins and stepped out of the store.
She saw the two women from church. They were speaking to the schoolteacher. He glanced her way and nodded. Was he on the church board? Mr. White joined them and he, too, glanced her way and nodded. She knew he was on the board.
It had started. Already.
How long before she would be confronted? Or the preacher? And Alex?
She hurried back to the manse, her insides brittle with uncertainty.
The black horse was in the corral. Alex was back. She flung open the door and almost barrelled him over.
“Whoa.” He steadied her then looked more closely. “You’re upset.” He turned her around and led her to the bench by the addition. “Tell me what happened.”
“They know. Everyone knows.”
“What do they know?”
“That you are courting me.” She sucked in air and steadied her nerves. It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen this coming. “I saw those interfering ladies talking to men on the board. They’ll be demanding a meeting. You’ll be told to choose your companions more carefully.”
Alex took her hands. “Clara, calm down. I’m not afraid of what people will say. Nor do I intend to borrow trouble.”
She clung to his gaze. “What if they ask you to leave?”
“The people of Glory are good people. I don’t think they will.”
“And if they do?”
“We will go somewhere else where we are needed. But that hasn’t happened, so let’s not spoil things with needless worry.”
Clara let him think she felt better and her worries had been calmed, but it wasn’t only the threat of a board meeting that had her so shaken. It was carrying her guilty secret.
She couldn’t continue to do so.
This evening, if he asked her to walk with him, she would tell him.
She almost wished he wouldn’t ask her.
But as soon as the dishes were done, he held out a hand. “Shall we walk?”
She looked at Louie, half tempted to say she needed to put him to bed, but he never went to bed this early, and he liked spending some time with Annie. So she nodded and accompanied him to the river.
As usual they sat on a grassy spot.
“Alex.” Her voice grated and she cleared her throat. “I haven’t been completely truthful with you, but if we are to continue, I must be.” Her voice quivered, but she forced herself to go on. “The reason I haven’t told you this before is because I thought as soon as opposition came you would see that I’m not good for you and we shouldn’t be together.”
His eyes darkened. “Whatever it is, it won’t make any difference to me.”
“Best you wait until you hear what I have to say before you decide.” She looked away from him because seeing him made her want to go into his arms and forget every bad thing that had ever happened. She drew in a breath that shuddered to the bottom of her lungs and did nothing to ease the feeling that she was drowning in useless air.
“Louie isn’t my brother. Not really.” Though Bernie was her stepfather, so that made Louie her stepbrother. She felt Alex start but would not look at him to see if it was shock or surprise. She must finish this sordid story.
“He’s my son.”
She allowed herself a quick glance out of the corner of her eyes but couldn’t tell what Alex’s reaction was. Not that it mattered. She had to tell the whole story.
“Papa died when I was twelve. Mama struggled to take care of us, so when Bernie Jones said he would marry her, she agreed. She knew he was a hard man, but he gave us a roof over our heads and food to eat.” She slowed her breathing as she grew lightheaded. “He told Mama he wanted a son, but she never got with child, which made Bernie angry. He accused her of making sure she didn’t have a baby. They had some awful fights. I hated it. It made me feel lonely and afraid. Then Bernie started coming to say goodnight to me. He would sit on the edge of the bed and talk. He said things like how glad he was that he now had a daughter. I wasn’t his daughter, but I was afraid to contradict him. I could never think of him as my father. My papa was a kind, gentle man. Bernie was not. He went from sitting on the edge of the bed to lying on top of the covers next to me. I edged away. He said not to be afraid. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone, but I was afraid he would hurt Mama.”
At some point Alex had reached for her hands. Or had she reached for his? She held them in a grip that must have caused him pain, but she couldn’t make her fingers release.
“Clara—”
“Let me finish.”
“There came a day he came to my room. He took off his clothes in the dark but there was enough light from the moon that I knew what he was doing. I was crying when he crawled under the covers. He covered my mouth. I was afraid I would suffocate, so I didn’t fight him. He—” She couldn’t finish.
But when Alex tried to pull her closer, she resisted.
“Then I realized I was going to have a baby.” Her words wailed from her as she recalled those fear-filled days. “Mama had to tell me what was wrong when my monthlys had stopped. She wanted to know who was responsible. I didn’t want to tell her. But she guessed. I made her promise not to say anything to Bernie. She was so weak from her lung disease that I knew she would die if we didn’t have a home.”
For a moment she struggled to calm her breathing.
When Alex started to speak, she held up a hand to stop him.
“I couldn’t leave. How was I to have a baby on my own? Mama was too weak to run. Then I had a tiny baby, and Mama grew weaker. I stayed until she was gone.”
“Did he—?”
“He never came to me again. I think he hated us all, but to his credit, he didn’t kick us out or leave us behind. I made sure to cook him good meals, do his laundry, and keep the place clean so he would find it worthwhile keeping us.”
She heard the bitterness in her voice but didn’t even try and contain it.
She sat still, every muscle in her body wooden as she waited for Alex’s response.
She turned to him, not expecting him to understand but still wanting him to see why she’d done it. “If people learn Louie is illegitimate, the product of rape, he will be shunned so badly. Please don’t tell anyone.”
He turned her hands so they were palm to palm. “I won’t tell anyone. I agree there is no need for anyone to know the circumstances of his coming into being. Least of all, him.”
She nodded. “That is the most I can ask for.”
Alex pressed her hands to his chest. “Clara, what happened to you was wrong, but it wasn’t your fault. I’m so sorry you were hurt this way. I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for you.” His words choked off. “You must be afraid of men, maybe even hate them.”
Her smile was shaky. “Mama told me how things were between her and Papa. How good love was. She said what Bernie had done was not love but violence, and the two had nothing to do with each other. She talked to me a lot. She wanted me to understand that what he had done should not make me afraid of loving a man.”
His gaze searched every inch of her face. “I’m glad to hear that. I’m glad we have a chance at happiness.”
She tipped her head as she studied every detail of his features. “I wish I could believe that is enough.”
“It is enough.”
“I am a soiled woman.” When she thought of Bernie, she felt dirty, no matter what Mama had said.
Alex cupped her face in his hands. “You are perfect just the way you are. Beautiful, gentle, and—” He choked off and didn’t finish whatever he was about to say.
“You once asked what I was running from. It’s Bernie. He decided a little Indian boy could be used to his advantage in dealing with the natives. I can’t be sure he won’t come looking for us some day.”
“You can’t guarantee the sun will shine tomorrow. We can only take one day at a time.”
“What if he comes?”
“You’re Louie’s mother. I think that gives you as much right to keep him as anyone.”
She shuddered. “It would mean admitting to what happened.”
“We’ll pray it never happens.”
She nodded. She could have confidence in his prayers.
“You still have to deal with the board and people complaining about me being native.”
He leaned forward and kissed her. “How would it be if you stop worrying about things that might never happen? And if they do, trust me to never stop loving you. If I have to choose between you and being a preacher, I will choose you. I believe God would approve.”
She shook her head. “If it ever came to that I would leave. You have been following this calling all your life. You know you have.” She promised herself she would never allow him to make such a choice.
He pulled her to his chest. “Promise me you wouldn’t leave.”
“I hope it never comes to that.”
His arms tightened around her. Did he realize she hadn’t given the promise he wanted?
But she couldn’t.
Just as she couldn’t believe something wouldn’t happen that would bring an end to this beautiful thing between them.
Alex wanted more than she promised. He wanted her to choose him above what anyone else would say. He realized she was trying to protect him, but he wanted only to protect her.
He escorted her back to the house and kissed her lightly, wishing for so much more. He wanted her undying love, the right to hold her to his heart and kiss her until she forgot all else.
Instead, he wished her good night.
And then he crossed to the church and fell on his knees at the front pew, his elbows on the bench, his face in his palms. For the first time he let himself feel the horror of what Clara had endured.
O God, why must such awful things happen? She was only a child. She had the worry of her mother and then the care of a baby. All the time feeling she had to stay with the man who did that to her. O God, why must such evil exist in the world? I know it’s not Your fault it does. Why didn’t You send someone to rescue her?
He cried out to God until his insides felt empty.
But then another wave of horror and despair swept over him. He remained on his knees, tears flowing unchecked down his face.
God, I would take her pain and shame and spare her all this.
“I have taken it.”
He sat back on his heels, swiped his eyes to clear his vision, and looked around the room. He ground the heel of his hands into his eyes and blinked. There was no one there.
The voice came again. “She is covered in the righteousness of my Son. It is up to you and her to believe that and go forward wherever I lead you.’
O God. I will follow You wherever You ask me to go and do whatever You ask me to do.
