Killing Me Softly, page 29
‘Because I have to,’ she cried, pulling away. He was such a stubborn bastard and she was stupid to think he would make this easy on her. He’d never made anything else easy for her – why start now? ‘It’s not just me. I have Catriona to consider. She’s so fragile. I can’t do anything to make her worse. Don’t you understand?’
‘Oh, I understand all right. You’re afraid.’
Her mouth opened, closed, opened again, but nothing but a hissing sound came out. So she turned and marched to the door. ‘I want you to leave.’
He walked towards her, but instead of exiting, stood before her. ‘I never thought you were a coward.’
Fury engulfed her as she glared up at him. ‘What did you say?’
‘You heard me. Giving up in the face of fear is a coward’s reaction. Since when have you ever run away to hide? That’s your sister’s reaction, not yours.’
The sound of the slap echoed loud around her before she even registered she’d hit him. Her fingers burned with the effects of the sharp contact, the imprint of them showing red on his face. ‘Don’t talk about my sister like that.’
He turned his head slowly, his eyes burning into hers. ‘Why not? You are.’
His words hit her like she’d been punched. ‘I don’t . . . I . . . ’
‘You think she’s weak.’
‘I . . . I don’t. She’s strong. So strong. I couldn’t have faced —’
‘But you did. And so will she now she’s awake again. She’s already proved herself far stronger than she was. You should have seen her yesterday when we brought you in – she was like a lioness. There was no break in her. But she can’t be like that if you treat her as if she’s weak, using her as an excuse not to go out and live your life.’
She shook her head. ‘You’re wrong.’
‘Am I? When the press come here – and make no mistake, they will come now because of what’s happened, despite all of Nigel’s efforts to keep them away – what do you imagine will happen? That she’ll fall apart? Retreat back into her catatonic state? Is there any medical reason to think she might do that again? I know Doctor Carlton thinks there isn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t have encouraged Billy and Cat to explore their fledgling relationship and he sure as hell wouldn’t have given in when Cat demanded to be taken into town after the guards arrive today to do some shopping. And aside from all that, she doesn’t have a problem with the press – she was comatose through the entire trial, according to the articles I read. It’s you who can’t bear the thought of what they might unearth, but what I can’t understand is why.’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she hissed, panic wiping away the fury inside.
‘Of course I do. I know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re not the only one with fear and shame riding them from their past. My mother was a drug addict and a criminal who took me from my father when I was four to punish him for wanting to divorce her. She dragged me from place to place, hiding from him and the police, using me in her schemes. I’ve been abused by her lovers, abused by her, left to fend for myself for days with no food while she was on a bender. I even had heroin shot into my arm as one of her boyfriends held me down so I wouldn’t ruin their sexcapades in a one-room hovel. My father finally tracked me down when I was arrested for stealing for her so she could buy some more heroin. I was eleven.’
He swallowed, his eyes burning with pain. Lexi wanted to say something, anything, but no words came.
‘I’ve lived in fear that the press would find out about that horrifying period of my life, that they’d find out my mother was murdered by her dealer not long after my da found me. But none of that stopped me from going after what I wanted, because deep down I must have realised that none of it was my fault – that it didn’t say about me what I was afraid it said.’
‘But the press found out?’ she asked, shocked at the thought of what he must have gone through.
‘Yeah, they did. My ex-wife gave them an exclusive to boost her waning publicity. She managed to make it sound as if she’d picked me out of the mire of my background and that after everything she’d done, I’d deserted her – which was utter bullshit. She cheated on me with a so-called-friend.’
‘Oh God!’ She hadn’t known.
‘I had to endure months of the press hounding me, requesting interviews to get my side of the story. They chased the band, my friends, they even tracked down Da and made him miserable reminding him of everything my mother had done to me while he was trying to find me. I made him close down the pub for a few months and sent him to Australia to visit some old friends. The bastards had pressured him so much they almost gave him a heart attack. So, don’t tell me I don’t understand. Everyone knows about my sordid past, except for the one person who needed to know – you. But I’ve come to realise that everyone knowing isn’t so bad after all. I wish they didn’t know, but their knowing only hurt me as long as I let it. And guess what?’
She shook her head, stunned by everything he’d just said.
‘I was stupid enough to let it hurt me until I came here. You were what helped me to realise what a bloody fool I’d been. I was still that bloody fool when I had Nigel check out your past, afraid it would be as bad as mine and what that might mean. And it was. But I’m glad I did it because it connected us. It made me feel as if I wasn’t alone and suddenly I was no longer ashamed. I saw how you’d risen above all that to become this amazing woman and I knew I’d done the same. I’m bloody proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself, too.’
She began to shake her head. ‘It’s different though, don’t you see? You weren’t to blame for what your mother did to you – hell, you were just a little boy. But I am to blame for what happened to Cat.’
‘Why? You can’t make me believe you were the tease the Jameses accused you of being in the papers, leading Lyndon on and making him take drugs and party with you. You were a virgin when we made love the other night and I’m pretty bloody certain you’ve never “partied” in your life.’
She squeezed her eyes shut. ‘No. That was all made up to try to gain sympathy for him in the trial. But if I hadn’t been so stubborn about working at his uncle’s record label and had resigned rather than reporting him, he might not have snapped. He might not have resorted to kidnapping and rape and Cat wouldn’t have lived the past eleven years in a virtual coma and I wouldn’t . . . I wouldn’t . . . ’ She couldn’t go on, choking on the words.
‘Lyndon was a sociopath. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have stopped him once he decided you were his. Normal people when they’re thwarted don’t resort to kidnap, rape and torture. You have to know that. The judge at the trial . . . ’
‘I know!’ she shouted and then winced, worried who might have heard her. She closed the door. ‘I know what was said,’ she began in a harsh whisper. ‘But that doesn’t make the guilt go away. It should have been me. It should have been me!’
‘It shouldn’t have been anyone.’ He gripped her shoulders and gave her a look that seared right to her soul. ‘Don’t be a bloody fool like I was, Alexia. You are guilty of nothing other than following a dream and you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of.’
He pulled her into his arms and gave her a hard kiss. ‘Let me in. We can fight the world together,’ he said against her lips. ‘We can stand against anything they might throw at us, but you have to give us a chance.’
Still she said nothing.
His eyes flared and he kissed her again, letting her go so abruptly when she didn’t respond that she stumbled back. He turned away then turned back, his face twisted with emotion. ‘I love you, Alexia.’ His loud voice made her jump. He stepped forward and caressed her lips with his thumb. ‘I don’t mean to frighten you. It’s just that I’m so . . . ’ He shook his head, let her go, stepped away. ‘You are my heart. All I’m asking is that you let me love you. If you can manage to do that, then we’ll figure out the rest.’
She stared at him, her heart and mind too full. ‘I . . . I have to think.’
He nodded. ‘I’ll go. You need to get some sleep. But I’ll be back later and we’ll finish this conversation then.’ He gently stroked her face. ‘I love you. In the face of that, nothing else matters.’ He kissed her gently and then, letting go, turned and walked out the door.
She stood there for a moment, frozen, until she heard the door close downstairs. Turning, she raced to the window. The sun had well and truly risen, lighting the craggy hills in the distance. She could see Daemon clearly as he strode down the path to the Dower House, his dark hair blown off his face by the brisk wind, his expression stark in the morning light. He entered the Dower House, not once looking back. Not once looking for her.
She stood there long after he disappeared out of sight, her mind full of his last words.
Could he be right? If she loved him, did anything else matter?
The sun rose in the sky, turning it pink, then orange and purple. She watched the day dawn, the farm hands arrive for work, Karl marching down the hill to the stable, already yelling instructions, bringing order to chaos.
Out there, the world brimmed with colour and movement and possibilities. But it could be brutal and cold and lonely.
Daemon thought she was strong enough to embrace all of it. Was she?
She shook her head. She couldn’t think in here. She had to go outside where it was open and free and where her thoughts had more room to roam.
Throwing on some warm clothes, she slipped downstairs, not wanting anyone to call her into the kitchen, where she could hear Billy, Cat and Bev finishing up their breakfast.
The sounds of the farm greeted her as she walked outside – horses whinnying, sheep bleating as they were rounded up, the sound of an engine starting and disappearing into the distance. It wasn’t as cold as it had been. Spring was well and truly here. She walked past the evidence of it – the fresh buds on the rose bushes, the white- and pink-covered fruit trees, the sweet scent of hyacinths and jonquils in Bev’s garden – without stopping to appreciate it.
Blind to everything that would normally have delighted her, mind swirling with thoughts and feelings she couldn’t grasp, she wandered into the walled garden, along the winding path to the fountain at its centre where she paced, unable to sit.
As the water tinkled its trickling music, her thoughts and feelings coalesced until one memory broke clear.
Daemon standing there, heart in his eyes as he laid himself bare to her. He told her she was courageous enough to face anything, but if she felt she wasn’t, he would be there with her, facing the world together.
He said he would never leave her – and God help her, there had been such a look of honesty on his face as he’d said it that she couldn’t help but believe him. He’d said that in the face of his love, nothing else mattered.
His words played in her head like the sweetest counter melody.
‘You are my heart. All I’m asking is that you let me love you.’
Could it be that simple? Was that all she had to do – let him love her?
No. That wasn’t all she had to do. She had to let him know he was her heart and she loved him back.
Oh God! She loved him and despite her little epiphany last night about embracing life, she’d driven him away with her stubborn stupidity and ancient fears. He was right. He knew who she was. He was the only one who’d ever really, truly got it.
She deserved a life. She deserved to love and be loved. She deserved to be happy and damn anyone who might want to get in the way of that, including herself.
She’d been so afraid of losing him, but that was exactly what was going to happen if she didn’t step forward and take what he offered. All of her other excuses – the press intrusion, his lifestyle forcing him to leave, her having to stay here for Cat – were just excuses born out of that fear.
But she wasn’t afraid any more.
She loved him.
She had to tell him. She had to get him to come back.
She took off, racing through the garden, skidding on the crushed shells of the path as she navigated its twisting route. She almost fell as she turned the corner out of the garden but righted herself with a whirl of her arms and continued to run, her heart beating loud in her chest, a painful thump, thump that raced in time with the sound of her feet on the path.
She flew down the slope beside the manor to the Dower House, almost slamming up against the door in her haste. Gasping for breath, she pulled at the door, before realising she needed to put in the entry code to open it. Goddamned security!
She had to enter it three times before the light turned green and the door beeped and opened – her fingers were trembling so much.
‘Daemon,’ she yelled out as she ran inside. ‘Daemon?’ He wasn’t in the family room or the dining room or kitchen. Where was he? She needed to talk to him before the security guards arrived, because there wouldn’t be time after that until much later in the day.
And this absolutely, definitely, couldn’t wait.
She was just about to run down the stairs to the small studio in the basement when two men walked out of the door that led to the garage.
‘Oh, shit,’ Lexi gasped, putting her hand to her chest. ‘Nigel. Lyall. You startled me.’
Nigel chuckled. ‘Sorry, AJ. We just came in to drop our bags off and freshen up before going to face the press at the hospital. Flying Lis out today is going to be a circus.’
Lexi grimaced. She’d forgotten all about that. ‘I appreciate the way you’ve kept the press away from here.’
‘Dae said you would prefer to stay out of it, and none of the press knows this is where the band have been. Besides, the boys have kind of liked the cloak-and-dagger business of swapping cars and sneaking in and out the kitchen entrance at the hospital. We’ve also given the press plenty of interviews, so it’s less likely they’ll try to follow them around – it hasn’t been too hard to keep them away.’
‘Regardless, I really appreciate it.’ She noticed Lyall glancing between her and Nigel, a frantic expression in his eyes, and a concerning thought dawned on her. ‘I hope you’re not hurrying Melissa into the flight because of me or Cat, though.’
‘No. Of course not. Purely on the doctor’s recommendation. We must do everything we can to make certain Lis and the baby have the best of care.’ He puffed his chest up. ‘They’ve asked me to be surrogate grandpa.’
Lexi smiled and touched his arm. ‘You are going to be the best surrogate grandpa a kid could have. Don’t you think, Lyall?’
‘Yes. He would have been.’
Shivers chased up her spine at his tone, but her attention was pulled from him as Nigel said ‘Well, we better get going.’ He began to move past her. ‘If you’re looking for Daemon, he’s already left for the hospital. You can come in with Lyall and . . . ’
There was a muffled pop. Something warm and wet sprayed Lexi’s face and chest.
Nigel’s eyes went wide and he stumbled forward as if he’d been shoved, his hand raising to his chest where a black hole had appeared in his shirt, red blooming on the white.
She watched, horrified, as in slow motion, Nigel turned slightly, his mouth open, the bag dropping from his hand as he tipped sideways to smack against the tiles at her feet.
Her gaze lifted, slowly, to Lyall, a sneer twisting his face as he looked up from Nigel, past the gun in his hand, to Lexi.
‘What did you do?’ Her voice was loud and echoing in the sudden silence.
His sneer turned to wild glee. ‘What I had to. Finally, I get you alone. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this?’
‘No.’ Lexi dropped to her knees, rolled Nigel over and pressed her hands to his chest. He looked up at her, his eyes filled with a kind of stunned pain. ‘It’s okay, Nigel. I’ll call for help. You’ll be okay.’
‘No, he won’t.’ Lyall grabbed at her arm, tried to pull her to her feet, but she used all her weight to pull against him.
‘Let me go. I have to help him.’
‘Why are you worried about him?’ He cocked his head, looking at her with a kind of childish curiosity at odds with the gun in his hand.
‘Because he’ll die if I don’t.’
‘Then he’ll die.’
Tears stung her eyes as she pressed harder on the wound in Nigel’s chest, warm blood flowing too freely over her hands. ‘How could you do this? Nigel trusted you. You were helping us, using your contacts in the police to find out more about my stalker.’
He laughed wildly. ‘Yes. I thought it was rather funny, given I am your stalker.’
Lexi knew she should be shocked, but it all kind of made horrifying sense. ‘Who are you?’
‘You had my brother put in jail. He died because of you. And now I get to make everything right. Finish what my brother started.’
Nausea roiled through her as she looked at his face, his wild eyes, insanity glinting there in their cold, grey depths. ‘Lyndon James didn’t have a brother.’
‘Yes, he did. The family hid me away. But I got free and then I came to find you. Lyndon made me watch while he took your sister – I wasn’t allowed to touch. But now that doesn’t matter, because I get to have what he never had . . . You!’
He reached out, wiped his finger down her face and held it up to show her Nigel’s blood that had splattered all over her. ‘Blood for blood. He wants it all.’
‘No!’ She smacked at his hands as he reached for her again, but he managed to grab her arm, his grip a vice as he pulled her to her feet.
‘Lyndon wants me to have you. He told me you were mine. You and your sister.’ He laughed. ‘And lucky me . . . she’s woken up, just in time.’ He smiled, a smile that took her back to the most terrifying night of her life. Lyndon had smiled at her like that as he leaned over her, poised to rape her, eleven years ago.
She began to scream, to fight him, slashing out with her nails, hitting him with her fists, kicking with her feet as she struggled to make him let go. She knocked the gun out of his hands and it went skittering towards the corner. She lunged for it but he tackled her and they fell to the floor.
