Need You Tonight, page 24
And now the moment was here, he couldn’t find the words to explain.
A tear slid down her cheek as silence fell between them, as happiness slipped through his fingers. Desperate to claw it back, he took a step towards her. ‘Lexi …’
She backed away, knowledge dawning in her eyes along with a growing sense of betrayal that slashed at him. ‘You checked up on me. You went behind my back and checked up on me. How could you?’
He lifted his hands, only to drop them. ‘I didn’t.’ Her gaze narrowed. ‘Nigel did. But I didn’t read the file he brought.’
‘Then how do you know so much?’
‘He told me some of it, but I told him to stop and I took it from him and planned to throw it away.’
‘Planned to? You haven’t yet? Why? Because you wanted to read through it? You wanted to find out what I don’t want to talk about?’
‘No! I would never have looked at it. I wanted you to tell me yourself. The more I got to know you, the more I wanted that.’ Shite, it sounded so pathetic now he was saying it out loud. Desperate to have her understand, he reached for her.
‘Don’t touch me.’
He froze. The words held a thousand notes of pain and every one of them vibrated to his core.
‘I’m such an idiot. I was feeling so guilty about keeping so much hidden from you and you already knew!’
‘I don’t know much. I heard more last night when you were telling Cat about what happened to her than I ever heard from Nigel.’ Her eyes flew to his, pinning him with their tear-filled glare. ‘Please, let me explain. After what happened with Darla, Nigel didn’t trust—’
‘You don’t trust me?’
He shook his head. ‘That’s not what I said. Nigel was the one with doubts.’
‘But you have trust issues. You told me. Is that why he did it? For you?’
‘I never asked him to do it. Would never have asked him. And I promise you, I would never read such a thing.’
‘Why would he have gone to the trouble if he knew you wouldn’t read it?’ Her expression was inscrutable as she looked at him.
Taking a careful step forward, he continued. ‘Maybe I would have before I came here. But something happened as I got to know you, as we shared our music. It opened up a part of me I thought was closed and even though I desperately wanted to know what had happened, what made you tick, I wanted you to share it with me more. I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me about your past. But not only that, I didn’t need to read any of that to see how strong and true your heart is. I said as much to Nigel.’
The coldness had gone from her eyes but the tears were still there.
‘I know you now in a way no report would ever have shown me, just like, deep down, you know me. You know I would never hurt you on purpose.’
‘Do I?’ Her mouth twisted. ‘I don’t think I know you at all.’
He grabbed her arms, afraid, so afraid, she was about to walk away. ‘I know you’re angry with me for not telling you about what Nigel did, but please don’t let that take away from what we shared. What we experienced—I’ve never had that with anyone. You must know that.’
She looked up at him, eyes brimming, and slowly, inexorably, pulled out of his grasp. ‘I can perhaps understand what Nigel did. It’s his job to look after you and the band. But you can’t explain away the fact you never told me what he’d done. I would never have gone behind your back to find out about you and your past. And I could have. I so easily could have. But I didn’t because I would never take the power of that from you. Especially after what we shared.’
Christ, he knew she was right and yet he couldn’t stop defending himself. ‘I never asked Nigel to do it. It’s not the same thing.’
Eyes filled with unshed tears, she said, ‘That’s such a cop-out. There you were, lecturing me about honesty last night while you were betraying me every second you didn’t tell me the truth. How can I trust you? How can I—’ She put a trembling hand to her lips.
Emotion pressed on his chest, making it hard to breathe. ‘I’m so sorry. I can’t say it more simply than that. I know I’ve jeopardised my chance with you by not being honest. I know I’m a stupid bastard, but please, give me another chance. I love you.’
Her anger seeped away, replaced by confusion and uncertainty. Hope flared in him. He brushed at a tear as it ran down her cheek. She didn’t back away. ‘Promise me you won’t make any rash decisions. It’s been an emotional few days. Don’t let what I did cloud the truth of what’s between us. Don’t let us end. Not over something like this.’
***
Lexi swallowed hard. She didn’t know what to think, what to feel, what to believe. He sounded so sincere, so desperately pleading. But could she trust that? It was difficult to keep her thoughts straight as they mingled with raw emotion.
His face was only centimetres from hers; his scent surrounded her with warm familiarity, his breath an intimate caress. A flood of weakness swept over her, willing her to give in to his magnetic pull and lose herself in him again. She swayed towards him, her lips almost touching his in ultimate surrender.
With a groan she jerked away.
He said he loved her. Why did his saying he loved her in that moment hurt so much?
She took another step away, shaking her head. ‘No. I can’t think about this now.’
‘Are you saying it’s over between us before it’s even begun?’
She turned away, face crumpling with the force of emotion she was desperate to hold back. Behind her, she heard Daemon step closer. She tensed. ‘Please. Just leave me alone.’ She was afraid he’d touch her again. If he did, she’d crumble into a thousand broken pieces on the floor.
‘Don’t do this, Lexi.’
She didn’t answer him. Couldn’t.
The tension in the room was an arctic scrape on her nerves. Then, finally, the door opened and closed. He was gone.
Tears spilling down her face, she walked through the house. She needed to get outside. She stumbled down the back stairs, filling her lungs with the clean country air. The smells of the farm, the ordered comfort of it, usually warm and familiar, did nothing to help calm her troubled mind.
Without thinking, she headed to the stables. Maybe Karl would be back. And if he wasn’t, she’d go for a ride. She needed to feel the wind through her hair and the cold on her face as she galloped across the fields and away from the worry and doubts that had taken up residence in her house. Once a sanctuary, it was now a menace at her back.
Would Cat forgive her? Could she forgive Daemon? Could she do without either of them in her life? She didn’t know. The questions seemed unanswerable. Her emotions swirled, confusing her thoughts. A ride would clear her mind, put everything into perspective. Then she might be able to go back, make amends with Cat. And when Daemon came to talk to her again, maybe she could listen to what he had to say. Although she wasn’t sure if she could ever forgive him.
He’d told her he loved her.
Just after he’d told her he’d betrayed her trust.
How could she believe him? And why did she so suddenly want it to be true? They couldn’t be together. Temporary lovers was all they could be and now he’d ruined that with his lies. By letting Nigel tell him even a little of her past, by not bringing her the file right away and allowing her to destroy it, he’d taken away her right to decide to share with him the darkest moments of her life.
How could telling her he loved her make any difference?
Yet it did, and she was afraid she knew the reason why. Because he mattered. Because she loved him too. And that made his betrayal hurt even more.
Anger bubbled in her chest, pulling tight, burning. She scrubbed at the tears on her face. No! She wouldn’t let him do this to her. Wouldn’t let him pull her in, make her feel more, want more, than she was comfortable with.
She didn’t love him. She didn’t choose to. She’d fought to make choices all her life and she hadn’t chosen this.
She would go for a ride. Calm down. And then she would go back and tell him it was over. They could work together—although the rapport they’d shared could never be the same—but she would not make love with him again. And she most definitely wouldn’t give him her love.
Firming her jaw, she wiped the last of the tears from her face and walked into the stable. It was quiet inside, the sounds of the farm muffled. Lexi breathed in the scent of hay, manure, chaff and the special warm, dusty smell of the horses. The stalls were mostly empty as the majority of the horses were out working—including Karl’s Jimbo. Damn. But it didn’t matter. She’d go for a ride and maybe find him out in the fields. A horse whickered from one of the stalls and Lexi smiled, collecting a saddle, blanket and bridle from the rack as she passed.
Viking stood in his stall, tall and proud, eyeing her as she entered, her hand extended with the carrot and apple she’d picked out of the food bin. Viking whiffled softly, his warm breath tickling her hair as he nuzzled her cheek affectionately before lowering his head to accept the proffered treats. The feel of his soft, silky lips against her skin made her laugh and she stroked the white blaze running down his caramel face as she whispered in his ear.
‘Life’s so simple for you, isn’t it?’ He whinnied, sniffing her hand for more. ‘You want to go for a run, boy?’ She laughed again as he pushed against her shoulder, taking the gesture as an affirmative. Picking up the curry comb from the shelf in the corner, she gave him a quick brush-down, the last of his winter coat flying in the air around her, then saddled up.
The home pasture was long and wide, undulating softly towards the nearby hills. She kicked Viking up, giving him his head as he gathered under her, stretching out into a full gallop.
The air was electric with the coming storm—it had been a particularly stormy spring so far. Clouds lowered over the grey spikes of the mountains in the distance. If she looked behind her, she knew the snow-patched tops of Buller and Stirling would be covered in cloud. Karl would be concerned she was out here, but she didn’t care.
The power of the animal beneath her, the eucalypt and late snow-scented wind whipping her face and hair, the wildness of the wide-open space, were exhilarating. For this moment, time held no meaning. The rhythm of hooves pounding on cold, hard turf resounded in her ears, vibrating through her body, creating a driving beat. Her worries and cares fell away as she concentrated on that beat, creating music with it and the sound of the wind, the babble of the faraway stream, the call of a kookaburra in the distance and the great shuddering breaths of the animal beneath her.
She headed to the clearing by the stream, a fairy place of magic and friendly whispers, one she always went to when troubled, when she needed to think. Perhaps if she spent some time there, she might be able to return home with a clear head and address the problems she had run from earlier. Although she was pretty certain no amount of time spent in her favourite spot would make it any easier to tell Daemon they were over.
Chapter 28
He lowered the binoculars and smiled.
His letter had worked just like his brother had whispered it would. She was upset and separating herself from the Irish bastard and the rest of them.
Pity the pretender had woken up. He’d have to do something about that. Couldn’t have her remembering anything that might expose him. No, that wouldn’t do. But how could he get to her? She was surrounded, unlikely to be left alone. It made it difficult.
Not impossible. I got her once. So can you.
Yes. He could. He would.
But first, he had to make her suffer more. She needed to be punished for tricking him into hurting Melissa. He’d been horrified when he’d run up to the ruin of the car to see Melissa hanging upside-down in the driver’s seat, blood dripping down her face, turning her strawberry blonde hair red. She was precious. A mother-to-be. He couldn’t allow her to die. She’d been on her phone and he’d picked it up in his gloved hand to tell the emergency operator where she was. But he couldn’t stay to make sure she was okay. He’d been forced to leave the ruined car, to go back to the pretence that had kept him close and safe.
He’d fumed though. He’d written the letter but scaring her with it wasn’t enough.
Watching her now, he realised exactly what he needed to do.
Chapter 29
‘Shite, shite, shite!’ Daemon said as he slammed into the Barn House. He wanted to throw something, or, better yet, hit something. How could he have been such a dick? He knew he should have told her what Nigel had done, but he hadn’t. Then as part of his defence, he’d actually blurted out he loved her as he’d tried to ask for her forgiveness!
Where was his finesse? Where was the charm he was notorious for? He snorted. Apparently where it had always been when she was around—non-existent.
He stomped into the kitchen and past the table, noticing out of the corner of his eye the sheets of music he’d left lying there a few days ago. A song he’d started with such joy in his heart and now just taunted him.
‘Bloody buggering hell!’ he shouted, swiping the music off the table.
‘What’s got your knickers in such a knot?’
He spun around to see Craig walking into the open-plan living area and snarled, ‘I thought you were going back to the hospital.’
‘I am, but I just had to get Phil a couple of things.’ He lifted the bag in his hand.
‘Why don’t you just go on then? I’m not in the mood for company.’
Craig’s eyes narrowed. ‘What have you done now?’
‘Why do you assume I’m to blame?’
‘Because you usually are.’
Daemon opened his mouth to argue but then closed it and sank into the armchair, his head in his hands. ‘Christ. I’ve made such a mess. I don’t know how to come back from it.’
Craig dropped the bag on the floor and sat opposite Daemon. ‘Is this about Lexi?’
Daemon’s head snapped up, eyes narrowed. ‘What if it is?’
Craig sighed. ‘I told you to be careful, that you were playing with fire but you wouldn’t listen, would you? She’s not the kind of girl you usually mix with. She doesn’t know the score and she won’t play by your rules.’
Daemon shook his head, his chuckle low and dark. ‘Oh, don’t I know it. But you’re wrong. She’s the one who keeps saying we have no future. She agreed to be my lover. My temporary lover.’
‘She what?’
‘Yeah. That surprised the hell out of me too, but I thought I could win her around.’
Craig looked like he was choking. ‘You want a relationship with her?’
Daemon rubbed his hand over his face. ‘I love her.’
The expression on Craig’s face would normally have made Daemon laugh, but he wasn’t in a laughing mood.
‘You love her,’ Craig finally choked out. ‘Have you told her?’
Daemon couldn’t sit any more. Pushing himself off the couch, he began to pace. ‘That’s part of the problem. I blurted it out at the wrong time and now she doesn’t believe it.’
‘What do you mean you blurted it out at the wrong time? How can there be a wrong time to say “I love you”?’
Daemon stopped and stared out the window at the fields and pastures rolling away to the hills and mountains in the distance. ‘If you’ve just admitted you’ve betrayed a person’s trust, it doesn’t mean a thing.’
‘You betrayed her trust? How?’
There really was no way around it. Shoving his hands in his pockets, still staring out at the view, he told Craig what Nigel had done.
‘What? Why didn’t you say anything?’
Daemon raked his hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know. I was angry and ashamed—he did it because of my weakness, not yours or Phil’s. And I didn’t want Lexi to get upset or tear up our contract because of it. I did plan to tell her, I swear, but there was never a good time. I meant to get rid of the info, and I told Nigel not to say anything.’
‘You still have it?’
He shrugged. ‘In my room.’
‘Did you read it?’
‘No.’ He scraped his hand over his jaw, couldn’t meet Craig’s accusing gaze and looked down, kicking at the baseboard. ‘But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is I didn’t tell her when I should have and I’ve screwed everything up.’ He laughed bitterly. ‘What made me think someone like Lexi would give me the time of day?’
A long silence greeted his statement, and when he finally looked up, was surprised to see a frown of consternation on his friend’s face. ‘Go ahead. Shout at me. Call me a screw-up and slam the door in my face. I deserve it.’
‘I don’t need to do that. You’ve got the self-flagellation thing down pat. Quite frankly, I wish you’d stop.’
‘What?’
‘You persist in seeing yourself through the eyes of your mother. She’s been out of your life for well over twenty years. Why on earth do you still let her have so much say?’
Daemon took a step back. ‘Whoa. Where’d that come from?’
Craig sighed. ‘It comes from having watched you keep yourself apart from the people in your life, tear yourself down, blame yourself for other people’s screw-ups and go out of your way to prove your mother was right when she said you were unlovable.’
Daemon gritted his jaw so hard it cracked. ‘I never told you she said that.’
‘I worked it out by reading between the lines and from things your da told me. I figured she must have made you feel like that, but until today I never really thought she’d actually said the words. But she did, didn’t she? And more. What I can’t work out is why you believed her.’
Daemon opened his mouth to deny, but instead blurted out, ‘She’s my mother.’
