Out of Reach (Can't Help Falling Book 2), page 30
He spotted her as she left the building, a beautiful, blonde sprite in a bright pink dress. Typical Alyssa-- defying the threatening clouds overhead. Heart pounding, he headed her off before she could bolt.
"Lyss-- please talk to me."
She froze in her tracks, seeming to debate the request before she finally turned around. "Okay. Talk."
Swallowing around his terror, TJ took her hand, leading her to the far side of the esplanade where there'd be a measure of privacy. "I wanted to tell you . . . I'm sorry."
Unimpressed, she shrugged. "Life doesn’t turn out the way we plan."
Where were the words? He'd practiced. He'd written them down. Now-- when he needed them, they were jumbled in his head. Choking in his throat. "I'm sorry that I've hurt you. That I can't be-" No-- that's not what he wanted to say."I want to be the person you need, Lyss. I swear I do."
""Do you honestly believe you’re the only person with trust issues?" Her hollow voice gutted him. "I sure as hell didn’t plan to be betrayed by a man who supposedly loved me." She glanced back, scorn visible in her eyes. "How’s that for stupid? I was expendable. . . for a political campaign." When she turned to face him, her beautiful, tear-filled eyes left him empty.
His blood pressure spiked with the violent urge to hunt down Paul and make him suffer again. "Lyss, my problem is . . . trusting me. What if-- I can't be the kind of guy . . . you want."
"My wish list isn't that long, T." Her voice incredulous, she stared at him. "I want someone to love. I want to share a life with someone I trust." She lowered her voice. "To have a few kids. To maybe . . . get a dog." She spun away from him. "I believe that person is you. If you weren't stupid, you'd realize it, too."
Her insult made him smile. Finally, she sounded like the real Alyssa. His Alyssa. If he hadn't screwed up everything. "What if I'm not good at the kind of life you expect?" He winced, acknowledging the truth in his words. Why couldn't she see it? His blood icing over, he tried to imagine their life-- when he inevitably ruined it. When she realized the colossal mistake she'd made. When she looked at him with disgust.
"I expect we'll work hard and pray for the best. I expect bad things will happen occasionally-- and we'll buckle down and deal with them." She shook her head, her expression defeated. "These past few days-- I've finally figured out the difference between us."
Stomach sinking, he acknowledged he was about to get gut-punched with yet another Alyssa Barnes insight. "What?"
"Our outlook. Bad things happen. Life-changing things happen every day. For the longest time I wondered why I'd been attacked. The day I finally stopped searching for the answer was the day I looked forward. Why not me? What’s so special about me?"
"Everything," he whispered. Everything about her was special. And perfect. And beautiful. She was a beacon of light in his shadowed, empty existence. She was the laughter. The joy. She made him believe he could be the man she already thought he was. When she blinked away her tears, the expression in her eyes made his heart ache. For what he could have. What she offered so freely. If he had the guts to reach out and grab it. The gift she offered-- that he could screw up. Out of a lifetime of believing he wasn't worth it. She was so stubborn. Wistful. A fearless dreamer to his methodical planner.
Oblivious to his startling discovery, Alyssa continued to lecture him. "For you, there has to be an answer. And you always come up with the same one."
"And what’s that?" Heart sinking, he wanted to turn away. He knew the anguish was etched on his face, knew he would be unable to hide it this time.
"You. You’ve spent your life feeling second best. You fought for all of us. You've given your life to your country-- but you won't fight for yourself."
She was right about his family. He’d always believed he lived with the O’Brien's on a trial basis… that any moment, they could send him away. If he was annoying. Or too loud. If he ate too much. His nine-year-old mind had been convinced there was nothing about him that held value. Mama Lou couldn’t ever want him permanently. He’d known in his heart that when she grew tired of his antics, she’d dump him-- just as his mother had.
"Trying to bolster my confidence doesn't really change anything." He wanted to capture her fluttering hand. Always moving, always revealing her thoughts. He wanted her zest for life-- the way she wanted to wrestle it to the ground. Her take no prisoners style. Alyssa would experience everything. Her bucket list would have check marks next to every single item.
He'd been walking through a desert. Not just the past ten years . . . but maybe forever. In his parched, barren outlook, Alyssa was an endless supply of water. Her outlook drenched him in light. When he was with her, he absorbed her sunny buoyancy into his skin. And he didn't want to go without that warmth ever again
"You're right." Her eyes bright with unshed tears, Alyssa raised her hand to his face and smiled a soft, wistful smile that lanced his heart. "I’m done wishing for things that can never be. I've spent years doing that." Her smile trembled as though she was trying to make herself believe her words. "But someday-- you’ll meet someone you can’t live without. And if you really want her-- you’ll be forced to accept that you’re worthy." Her voice finally broke, the raw, edgy sound tearing through him like a bullet ripping into his chest.
She trailed her fingers down his face, their warmth heating his skin. She could be his-- if he could just say the words strangling in his throat. Don't leave me. She blinked away the last of her tears, staring at him-- almost memorizing his face before her gaze shifted beyond him. As though it was the last time.
"I should go." She hesitated. "Have a good life, T."
Her heels clicked noisily on the granite, then faded into the late afternoon crowd. He glanced up, unsure whether his shattered game face could be restored, but suddenly desperate to move. . . run. . . do anything but stay in this place-- where his world had just crashed down. He scanned the plaza, seeking a last glimpse of her. But his eyes blurred with sudden panic when he lost her in the throng of strangers between them.
TJ didn’t want to be alone. His heart pumping in his ears, he swallowed a rising panic. He didn't want to be left behind. He didn’t appreciate the anonymity of blending into his surroundings. And he despised knowing the woman he cared about more than his own life moved farther away with each passing moment. He relaxed only slightly when his gaze locked on her. Still in his line of vision. . . a tiny, capable body in a flowing, pink dress, storming across the plaza as though she owned it.
Stalking away from him.
Nearly out of sight.
He took a step and stumbled. For a terrifying moment, he truly believed his legs would fail him. He would be too late.
And then he started running.
Chapter 19
"Lyss-- wait. Please?"
It was the ‘please’ that made Alyssa pause. He’d rarely said that word before. Grudgingly stopping in her tracks, she waited. There was no need to turn around this time. She’d said all there was to say. "You've dropped into my life twice now." Her voice was lifeless, cold. A small, hard knot of grief had formed in the pit of her stomach that grew larger with each passing moment. "Both times you've left me blown apart."
"Lyss . . . you were right about that summer."
She heaved an irritated sigh. He was ruining her exit. Teagan had been remarkably consistent in guaranteeing how their end would play out. "I was wrong," she corrected, taking a determined step.
"Wait." He closed the distance between them. "Lyss, I'm sorry for ten years ago," he blurted. "I can't imagine that it mattered to you, but-- I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you by leaving." His words tumbled over one another.
"It . . . mattered, T." The voices on the esplanade seemed to fade away, leaving them in the lengthening quiet. Despite her prayer for numbness. For the blessed peace that would come from accepting her fate, she couldn't help the sorrow cascading over her. "It's always bothered me." Her cheeks heated with her confession. "I thought . . ."
"It was you?" His tortured voice knifed through her.
"At twenty-two . . . I wasn't that experienced."
"No. No. No, baby." He reached for her then stopped himself. "I never wanted to leave you that night."
"Please." She couldn't bear a humiliating exercise in trying to make her feel better.
"I don't expect you to forgive me . . . but hear me out." He spoke to her back, as though knowing she wouldn't turn voluntarily. "I made a promise to your brother." He spoke haltingly, as though searching for the right word. "Matt made me swear never to go near you."
"I'd rather not do this." Hands shaking, she squeezed them into fists.
"He showed me your picture," he blurted, the words coming faster now. "You had brown hair . . . with a purple stripe."
She whirled around. "I never had brown hair-" She stared at him, her gaze helplessly glued to his . . . and read something in his expression that gave her a flicker of hope. Because in his eyes, she saw misery. Torture. An abyss of wanting. She released a slow, quaking breath, determined to hear words. Lots of them. Coming from him. "Was I wearing a costume? I wore a wig for Halloween that year."
His face blank with anguish, he just stared at her. Through her. "I . . . I don't know," he finally stammered. "I swore off brunettes that semester-- to make sure I never screwed things up with Matt. But you-- were blonde. And beautiful. And . . . perfect. And safe . . . I thought."
Safe? She made a face. Not exactly a confession of true love. "What do you mean?"
"The night at the party . . . when I finally worked up the nerve to approach you . . . I-I didn't know who you were."
She was distracted-- by the heart shattering in her chest. By her shaking hands. By her running nose. Where was he going with this?
"I thought the girl I'd been dreaming about all semester . . . was safe." He must have read the confusion in her eyes because his mouth lifted in a sad smile. "You weren't supposed to be Alyssa Barnes. You were supposed to be anyone except Alyssa Barnes."
Understanding hit like a lightning bolt. "You thought Matt's sister had brown hair."
"In the middle of the night I saw your picture . . . on the coffee table. With Matt." He ran agitated fingers through his hair. "Then-- I heard him downstairs. He was on his way up . . . to crash at your place. I'd done the single thing he'd made me swear never to do."
"Why would you listen to him?"
"He's my best friend, Lyss. He was my only friend I could count on." Earnest gray eyes flooded with emotion. At least that part was something he truly believed. "That's why I jumped."
Alyssa stared at him, blank-faced. "You left because of my brother? Your friendship? Not because it was a less-than-memorable one night stand?" Ten long, painful years later, she forced a tight smile. "You're right. That's hard to believe."
"I wouldn't have left you that night." Conviction rang in his voice. "I wouldn't have wanted to leave you two days later when I had to get on that plane."
Alyssa's laugh was forced, brittle. "It was one night, T. You don't have to fake it was any big thing." She offered him what she hoped was a casual wave. Please let me escape without crying. "Goodbye."
"No." TJ froze when she turned, ice flooding his veins. "Don't leave." His voice a harsh plea he wasn't certain he'd actually spoken.
"Mondays and Wednesdays," he blurted to her retreating back, praying he could stop her. "You had chemistry at eleven." He raised his voice so she would hear. "After that . . . you met with a tutor in Gilder Hall."
Shock tremored through her. More than anything, he wanted to hold her--absorb the hurt and pain for her. But how could he comfort her when he'd been the cause? All he could do now was be honest. And pray. And brace himself for the fallout. Please don't leave me.
At least she'd stopped moving away from him. "It took me two weeks to figure out your Tuesday schedule. I looked everywhere for you." He swallowed hard, wishing she'd say something. And hoping he'd get through it all before she did. "But it was the library where I spent the most time. I'd stand behind you in line for coffee. Then I'd sit at a table close enough . . . so I could hear you laughing with your friends."
He heard her indrawn breath and knew she fought tears. Damn him for making her suffer worse. But he had to do this. Had to admit what she'd meant to him. Even if she still hated him for it. "You loved that damned library. I think I got a whole grade higher in stats because I was always there . . . trying to sit near you."
"T-" Her breath came in short, hesitating gasps, as she tried to speak around her sobs. "You-- you- I didn't imagine it?"
"I was there. Because of you." His throat hurt as he tried to speak around the boulder lodged there. "Friday afternoons . . . you worked on that political campaign . . . some guy running for town council."
"Sam Morris," she whispered.
"Monday nights you volunteered with the university ESL group-"
"Why," she cried as she whipped around. "Why are you doing this? Now? When it's too late?"
"Please don't say that." Terrified by her words, TJ wanted to look away from her agonized eyes-- but he couldn't. Her unblinking, forthright way of looking at him sometimes left him unnerved. But mostly, it brought relief. He'd always known exactly where he stood with her.
"Before that party . . . I didn't even know your name. But you owned me," he confessed. "From the very first time I ever saw you." He stared at her . . . his gaze unwavering. His eyes full of the words he couldn't seem to choke out. But the need to be honest scorched through him. The hunger for her to see what was in his heart-- even if she rejected it. "It was the bookstore . . . the second week of classes."
She stared at him-- through him. "I don't-"
He took a step closer. "Lyss-- then and now. You own me." His voice hoarse, he released a ragged breath. "I never forgot you. I never wanted to forget you. Please don't say I've screwed up the best thing that's ever happened in my life."
"T-" Her voice reached him on a sob. "You don't need to do this."
"I’ve always believed . . ." His voice wavered and he gulped in a steadying breath. "That people would be disappointed in me."
She stood before him, beautiful eyes spilling with tears. She bit her lip, waiting-- expectation swirling between them. Even now, she held herself back-- wanting to convince him of his value. Dammit, why? Why would she still believe in him? Yet, TJ knew. He could see the love in her eyes. It spilled from her. Radiated out like the shockwave after a blast. Reverberating through him. Knocking him to the ground with its strength. Wanting him to believe. She would always think the best of him-- whether he did or not.
"God, Lyss-" His voice hoarse with emotion, he swallowed around the sandpaper in his throat. "I never want you to be disappointed in me."
When she didn't speak, he assumed that meant he should keep talking. If she was still listening . . . he'd likely spill it all.
"I convinced myself my aunt was better off without me. That her duty was finally over. I never meant to hurt her." He swallowed hard. "I love her. She’s the mother I never deserved. When Finn and I got into it over that girl . . . Louise tried to resolve it, but it wasn’t fixable. Finn didn’t believe me."
He wanted to reach out, wanted to touch her. More than anything, he wished her small, sturdy hand was clasped in his right now. Instead, he blew out a steadying breath and continued. "All I could picture was me breaking up the family-- when they weren’t mine to break up."
"She never felt that way." Turning to face him, she startled. His face was deathly pale, the beautiful eyes haunted. Frozen in place, he faced her, the breeze tousling his hair and burning his eyes. "Are you okay? Do you need to sit?"
"I-- I’ve never done this before. You need to cut me some slack."
"Never done what?" Crossing her fingers, she clamped her lips shut to keep from blurting something stupid.
"I’ve never chased a woman before-"
"Oh-- give me a break." She reined in her temper with difficulty. He was completely ruining her exit. If he made her cry again, she would haul off and hit him.
"Babe . . . this one time, could you please . . . just listen?" Giving her a wan smile, he hesitated. "I’ve never chased a woman to tell her. . ."
The suspense was about to kill her. He was just standing there . . . floundering. "That… she’s the mouthiest, most stubborn woman you’ve ever met?"
"That she’s the mouthiest, most stubborn woman I could ever be in love with," he corrected. "The only woman."
Her breath caught in her throat as a glorious burst of heat flooded her chest. "Dammit, Teagan, if you’re jerking me around-" But it was there-- his gray, serious eyes suddenly igniting with joy and relief and . . . love. Only a tiny shred of doubt tainted the wonder swamping her. Why was he suddenly interested in a life that didn't involve traipsing the most dangerous reaches of the globe?
"No jerking around. I love you, Alyssa." He swallowed convulsively. "I-I love you, okay? I don't ever want to be away from you. You-- you're all I want."
She eyed him suspiciously. "I-I'm not changing what I want."
Reaching for her, he stopped himself. "For ten years-- I've loved you. You were always in the back of my mind. Believe me-- I tried to forget you. Seven years ago . . . I drank myself into a stupor when I heard you were engaged. And still-- I denied it. Then a month ago, I broke down the door-" His voice hoarse, he cleared his throat. "When I realized it was you-- I thought I would throw up-"
She wrinkled her nose. "You looked at me and wanted to throw up?"
"In a good way," he hastened to reassure. "It meant I had a second chance. Even though I fought it-" He shook his head. "I knew."
"What did you know?" Heart pounding, she held her breath.
"In that instant-- I knew why I'd come home. Why I was questioning my life." He shook his head. "Don't get me wrong-- I still fought it."
