Valdemar Books, page 13
"Tell her, Lily," urged one of the bystanders, as another rose from his seat and moved to Jaseen's side.
They're taking sides. It's time for me to stop this! Amberdrake got up quickly.
And just in time; Lily pulled her arm back to deliver a slap to Jaseen's cheek. Amberdrake moved as quickly as a striking snake and grabbed her wrist before she could complete the blow.
"What are the two of you doing?" he not-quite-shouted, bringing the argument to a sudden halt. All parties involved stared at him in shock; they had clearly forgotten that he was there.
He let go of Lily's wrist; her cheeks were scarlet with shame, and she hid both hands behind her back. He looked from her to Jaseen and back again, making no secret of his disapproval.
"I know that the tension has gotten to everyone, but this is no way to handle it! You two are acting precisely as our critics expect us to act!" he accused. "Don't you think that you're both being utterly childish? Bad enough that the two of you started this—but in public, in a common mess tent! The Healers use this tent, and what would one of them have thought if he had come in here to find you two brawling over a client like a pair of—of—" He shook his head, unable to force himself to say the word.
Now it wasn't only Lily who was flushing; Jaseen and the two who had taken sides in the argument had turned scarlet with humiliation as well.
Now that he had their attention, he would need to engage in a verbal dance as intricate as anything woven by a priest or a seasoned diplomat. Somehow he must chide both of them without touching on the tragedies that had made them kestra'chern in the first place.
"No one knows hurt and heartache like a kestra'chern," his teachers had said, "because no one feels more pain than their own. Not so with us." There were tragic stories behind every pair of doe-soft eyes and tears behind all the comely smiles in this camp, and no one knew that better than Amberdrake.
"Neither of you has ever lacked for clients," he scolded. "It is not as if you are not well-sought-after! And if you hear anyone rating you like athletes, I want to hear about it! You both have the same rank; you differ only in your strongest characteristics. This client you argued about—he has specific needs. Jaseen, what comes first—your own pride, or the client's well-being?"
At all costs he must never say the word "poison" around Jaseen—she had spent three years imprisoned for poisoning her lover, only to be freed when his brother confessed that he had done it. By then, the "tender" ministrations of the guards had left her a changed woman.
She hid behind the curtain of her hair, but her blushes were still clearly visible. "The client," she replied, her voice choked with shame.
"Exactly," he said sternly. "That is what we are all here for. And what is the second rule, Lily?"
Lily had trained as a fighter and had served in Urtho's army. Injured and left for dead, the experience had shattered her nerves and the injuries themselves left her unfit to face combat again. Lily had been treated as a hopeless cripple, destroyed in both nerve and body, until she fought her way back to what she was now. She looked him in the eyes, but her face was so scarlet that it matched her hair. "The client receives what he needs, not what he wants."
"And you may—if, in your sacred judgment, and not merely your opinion—deliver what he wants after he gets what he needs," Amberdrake told them both.
Jaseen sniffed a little and looked up at him to see if she'd had any effect on him with that sniffle of self-pity. Amberdrake's expression must have told her that she wasn't winning any points, for she slowly raised her head and brushed her hair back although her red face was a match for Lily's.
"Jaseen. Just now it was my judgment, as it was the judgment of your old client's Healer that he needed a little less cosseting and a little more spine." He leveled his gaze right into her eyes so that she could not look away. "You are quite good at sympathy, but your chief failing is that you don't know when to stop giving it. Sympathy can be addictive and can kill strong men as surely as a diet of nothing but sugar."
She whispered something inaudible, but he was good enough at lip-reading to know she had said only, "Yes, Amberdrake." He turned to Lily.
"It was your job to challenge him. I hope that you did—I will only know after his Healer talks to me. And by 'challenging' him, I don't necessarily mean physically. You could even have challenged him by making him earn what he got from you." The fact that she avoided his gaze told him she hadn't exactly done that. "We aren't even primarily bedmates," he reminded both of them sternly. "That's what makes us something more than—what our critics claim we are."
Both these women had mended from their past shatterings; he knew that, every kestra'chern in this encampment knew that. If they hadn't, they simply wouldn't be here. They'd been given guidance in reassembling themselves from the splintered pasts fate had left them, and were obligated by that training to help others as much as they had helped themselves. Amberdrake would not permit incompetence—and although he was not officially a "leader," he had that much power among the kestra'chern without needing the title. In his experience, true leaders seldom had or needed flamboyant titles.
Jaseen and Lily bowed their heads, their blushes fading. "Yes, Amberdrake," Lily murmured. "You are right, of course. But it's easy to forget, sometimes, with the way we're treated."
"People treat you as what they wish you were, and that is not always what you are," he said gently, reminding them both of their pasts. "You must always remember what you are. Always. And always believe in each other."
Jaseen nodded wordlessly.
He raised his voice slightly so the rest of the observers could hear better. "Whatever the kestra'chern have been in the past, we are now something very important to these warriors. The war may turn upon what we do. We are the rest after the battle, and the blanket to warm them when they shiver. We are comfort in the darkness when death has become far too personal; we are the listeners who hear without judgment. We are priest and lover, companion and stranger. We are all the family many of them have, and something so foreign they can say anything to us. They need us, as they need their rations, their weapons, their Healers. Keep that always in mind, no matter how you are treated."
Both of them stood taller and straighter, and looked him right in the eyes. Several of the others nodded in agreement with his words, he noted with satisfaction.
"Now, let's get back to the business of living," he told them. "You are both too sensible to quarrel over this." He summoned an infectious grin for the two recent quarrelers and the others, and it caught all around. "We could be spending our time complaining about the seasons. Or the weather. Something productive, something useful."
With that he turned back to his own neglected breakfast, to leave the two of them to patch things up on their own. Or not—but they were both responsible adults, and he was fairly certain they would behave sensibly.
They whispered tensely for a few moments, then took themselves elsewhere. Well, that was fine, and even if they were foolish enough to continue the quarrel, so long as they did so privately, Amberdrake didn't care....
I'm slipping, he thought as he held out his cup for a hertasi to refill, rewarding the little lizard with a weak smile. I would have cared, a while ago. I would have stayed with those two until I was certain they had reconciled their argument. Now I'm too tired to make all the world happy.
Too tired, or perhaps, just too practical. He used to think that everyone could be friends with everyone else, if only people took the time to talk about their differences. Now it was enough for him if they kept their differences out of the working relationships, and got the job done.
I'm settling for less these days, I suppose. I just pray there isn't less out there to settle for. Right now he couldn't have said if this lack of energy was a good thing, or a bad one. It just was, and he harbored his resources for those times when they were really needed. For his clients, for Urtho, for Skan—if he spent every last bit of energy he had, he'd wind up clumsy at the wrong time, or weak when the next emergency arose. That—
"Are you Amberdrake?"
The harsh query snapped him out of his reverie, and he looked up, a little startled. A young man stood over him, a Healer by his green robes, and a new one, by the pristine condition of the fabric. The scowl he wore did nothing to improve his face—a most unlikely Healer, who stood awkwardly, held himself in clumsy tension, whose big, blunt-fingered hands would have been more at home wrapped around the handle of an ax or guiding a plow. His carrot-colored hair was cut to a short fuzz, and his blocky face, well-sprinkled with freckles, was clean-shaven, but sunburned. Not the sort one thought of as a Healer.
Well, then, but neither was I....
"Are you Amberdrake?" the youngster demanded again, those heavy hands clenched into fists. "They said you were."
Amberdrake didn't bother to ask who "they" were; he saw no reason to deny his own identity. "I am, sir," he said instead, with careful courtesy. "What may I do for you? I must warn you my client list is fairly long, and if you had hoped to make an appointment—"
"Make an appointment?" the boy exploded. "Not a chance! I want you to take my patient off that so-called 'client list' of yours! What in the name of all that's holy did you think you were doing, taking a man that's just out of his bed and—"
The young Healer continued on in the same vein for some time; Amberdrake simply waited for him to run out of breath as his own anger smoldered dangerously. The fool was obviously harboring the usual misconceptions of what a kestra'chern was, and compounding that error by thinking it was Amberdrake who had solicited his patient for some exotic amorous activity.
All without ever asking anyone about Amberdrake, his clients, or how he got them. One word in the Healers' compound would have gotten him all the right answers, Amberdrake thought, clenching his jaw so hard his teeth hurt. One word, and he'd have known clients come to me, not the other way around... and that "his" patient has been sent to me for therapeutic massage by a senior Healer. But no—no, he'd much rather nurse his own homegrown prejudices than go looking for the truth!
When the boy finally stopped shouting, Amberdrake stood. His eyes were on a level with the Healer's, but the outrage in them made the boy take an involuntary step backward.
Amberdrake only smiled—a smile that Gesten and Tamsin would have recognized. Then they would have gleefully begun taking bets on how few words it would take Amberdrake to verbally flay the poor fool.
"You're new to Urtho's camp, aren't you?" he asked softly, a sentence that had come to represent a subtle insult among Urtho's troops. It implied every pejorative ever invented to describe someone who was hopelessly ignorant, impossibly inexperienced—dry-seed, greenie, wet-behind-the-ears, clod-hopper, milk-fed, dunce, country-cousin—and was generally used to begin a dressing-down of one kind or another.
The boy had been with the troops long enough to recognize the phrase when he heard it. He flushed and opened his mouth, but Amberdrake cut him off before he could begin.
"I'll make allowances for a new recruit," he said acidly. "But I suggest that you never address another kestra'chern in the tones you just used with me—not if you want to avoid getting yourself a lecture from your senior Healer and possibly find yourself beaten well enough your own skills wouldn't help you. Did you even bother to ask why 'your' patient was sent to me? For your information, 'your' patient was assigned to me by Senior Healer M'laud for therapeutic massage, and I had to seriously juggle my overcrowded schedule to fit him in. I am doing you a favor; the man needs treatments that you have not been trained to give. If you had tried, you probably would have injured him. If you had bothered to ask your Senior Healer why he had scheduled this patient for other treatments, instead of barging in here to insult and embarrass me, you would have been told exactly that."
The boy's mouth hung open, and his ears reddened. His eyes were flat and expressionless, he had been taken so much by surprise.
"Furthermore," Amberdrake continued, warming to his subject, "If you had taken the time to ask your Senior Healer why anyone would send a patient down the hill here to the kestra'chern for treatment, you would have learned that we are considered by all the Senior Healers to be Healers with skills on a par with their own—and that there are some things that you, with all your training, will never be able to supply that a kestra'chern can. Our preliminary training is identical to yours—with the exception that most kestra'chern don't have the luxury of Healing Gifts to rely on. We have to do our job with patience, words, and physical effort. Healing means more than mending the body, young man—it means mending the heart, the mind, and the spirit as well, or the body is useless. That doesn't make us better or worse than you. Just different. Just as there are times when you heal what we cannot, so there are times when we can mend what you cannot. You would do well to learn that, and quickly. Inexperience can be overcome, ignorance be enlightened, but prejudice will destroy you." He allowed his anger to show now, a little. "This war is not forgiving of fools."
The Healer took another involuntary step back, his eyes wide and blind with confusion.
Amberdrake nodded, stiffly. "I will see your former patient at the arranged time, and if you wish to overrule it, I will speak with Urtho personally about the matter. The word of Healer M'laud should take precedence over your objections."
And with that, he turned and left the tent, too angry to wait and see if the boy managed to stammer out an apology, and in no mood to accept it if he did.
He returned to his tent, knowing that it would be empty while Gesten made his own rounds up on Healer's Hill. That was good; he didn't really want anyone around at the moment. He needed to cool down; to temper his own reaction with reason.
He shoved the tent flap aside and tied it closed; clear warning to anyone looking for him that he did not want to be disturbed. Once inside, he took several deep breaths, and considered his next action for a moment, letting the faintly-perfumed "twilight" within the tent walls soothe him.
There were things he could do while he thought; plenty of things he normally left to Gesten. Mending, for one. Gesten would be only too pleased to discover that chore no longer waiting his attention.
Fine. He passed into the inner chamber of the tent where no client ever came, to his own bed and the minor chaos that Gesten had not been able to clean up yet. Clothing needing mending is in the sage hamper. He gathered up a number of articles with popped seams and trim that had parted company with the main body of the garment; fetched the supply of needles and thread out from its hiding place. He settled himself on a pile of cushions where the light was good, and began replacing a sleeve with fine, precise stitches.
The chirurgeons that had been his teachers had admired those stitches, once upon a time.
No one knows hurt and heartache like a kestra'chern, because no one has felt it like a kestra'chern. If he had told the boy that, would the young idiot have believed it?
What if I had told him a story—"Once on a time, there was a Kaled'a'in family, living far from the camps of their kin—"
His family, who, with several others, had accepted the burden of living far from the Clans, in the land once named Tantara and a city called Therium. They had accepted the burden of living so far away, so that the Kaled'a'in would have agents there. His family had become accustomed to the ways of cities after living there for several generations, and had adopted many of the habits and thoughts of those dwelling within them. They became a Kaled'a'in family who had taken on so many of those characteristics that it would have been difficult to tell them from the natives except for their coloring—unmistakably Kaled'a'in, with black hair, deep amber skin, and blue, blue eyes.
Once upon a time, this was a family who had seen the potential for great Empathic and Healing power in one of their youngest sons. And rather than sending him back to the Clans to learn the "old-fashioned" ways of the Kaled'a'in Healers, had instead sent him farther away, to the capital of the neighboring country of Predain, to learn "modern medicine."
He took a sudden sharp breath at the renewed pain of that long-ago separation. It never went away; it simply became duller, a bit easier to endure with passing time.
They thought they were doing the right thing. Everyone told me how important it was to learn the most modern methods.
Everyone told me how important it was to use the Gifts that I had been born with. I was only thirteen, I had to believe them. The only problem was that the College of Chirurgeons was so "modern" it didn't believe in Empathy, Healing, or any other Gift. The chirurgeons only believed in what they could see, weigh, and measure; in what anyone with training could do, and "not just those with some so-called mystical Gifts."
The Predain College of Chirurgeons did provide a good, solid grounding in the kinds of Healing that were performed without any arcane Gifts at all. Amberdrake was taught surgical techniques, the compounding of medicines from herbs and minerals, bone-setting, diagnoses, and more. And if he had been living at home, he might even have come to enjoy it.
But he was not at home. Surrounded by the sick and injured, sent far away from anyone who understood him—in his first year he was the butt of unkind jokes and tricks from his fellow classmates, who called him "barbarian," and he was constantly falling ill. The Gift of Empathy was no Gift at all when there were too many sick and dying people to shut out. And the chirurgeons that were his teachers only made him sicker, misdiagnosing him and dosing him for illnesses he didn't even have.
And on top of it all, he was lonely, with no more than a handful of people his own age willing even to be decent to him. Sick at heart and sick in spirit, little wonder he was sick in body as well.
He had been so sick that he didn't even realize how things had changed outside the College—had no inkling of how a mage named Ma'ar had raised an army of followers and supporters in his quest for mundane, rather than arcane, power. He heard of Ma'ar only in the context of "Ma'ar says" when one of his less-friendly classmates found some way to persecute him and felt the need to justify that persecution.
