Off the Mark, page 20
Certainly not anything more than that.
Sighing, I reached back and shut my storm door. Walked down my stoop carrying cups of coffee and Eddie and my grandmother’s favorite cannoli. Ever since Dean, Tabitha, and the rest of the neighbors had come together a couple of summers ago to turn the abandoned lot on their street into a miniature park, I spent half my mornings chatting with Eddie and Alice while Dean and Tabitha busied themselves in their now overflowing community garden.
Humidity sat heavy on the streets though it was barely seven thirty in the morning. Kids raced by on their bikes while some played on their stoops. I waved to a couple neighbors hosing down their front sidewalks, the air filled with the smell of the steam, the hot asphalt, a coconut-scented sunscreen.
I could already see Eddie, leaning over the fence of the park, cigarette in his mouth and Tiffany the kitten perched on his shoulder. I opened my mouth to call out a greeting, but then my phone buzzed in my pocket.
It was Luciana. Shit.
I ducked into a side alley and picked up the call. “Mornin’. Thanks again for walking me through that headache of a grant report the other day. Felt like I was stumbling around in a maze the whole time.”
She chuckled softly. “No one knows how to do them. I swear they make them complicated on purpose.”
“I’ll say.”
“I’m always here to help. You’re doing us the biggest favor, filling in like this during a hectic time.”
I propped my foot up on the wall behind me. “It’s no problem. I’m hoping you’re calling before eight because it’s good news?”
I heard the unmistakable sounds of Luciana making breakfast for her son, Benny. “It’s a mix of both. The good news is that you should check your email, because I got an alert last night that a $10,000 donation came through on the website from some local philanthropist. Steve…”
“Duncan?” I stammered.
“That’s it. Did you speak with him? He sent a message and included me on it, asking for a tour at a future date and said that he’d spoken to you twice, as well as someone named Charlie…Maddox?” She laughed a little. “I’m not entirely sure but I think she races motorcycles, so was curious how you’re all connected because I couldn’t put it together.”
Charlie. I tipped my head back and squinted up into the cloudless sky.
“I can see why it’d be confusing. Charlie is my…” I paused. “She’s my girlfriend and she happens to race dirt bikes. And is damn talented too. This huge convention is being held in Center City right now and she’s making a point to introduce me to some of the local rich folks who sponsor these types of things.”
“Sounds like a supportive girlfriend,” she said. “Is this new? You and Charlie?”
I cleared my throat. “Kind of. I’ll be sure to thank her later.”
I didn’t know what the hell this all meant—only that I doubted Steve would make such a large gift after our two brief interactions. I needed to read the email myself, but given how angry Charlie had been on my behalf over the things he’d said, I wondered if she’d gone and spoken to him after all.
Even after our argument.
“Please do thank her. Anything helps when it comes to making payroll this month. And this next part, the bad news, isn’t the smoothest segue but I’m rushing to get Benny on the bus so forgive my awkwardness.”
“It’s all good, what’s up?” I asked, my stomach twisting into knots already.
“You haven’t answered the email that the board sent on Monday. I know it’s a lot to process, and an awful task to give to you, but I need to know that you read it and understand what we’re asking you to do.”
My skin prickled with unease. “The email confirming that I need to fire Dean and Eddie, you mean.”
“Yes,” she said with a sigh. “Elaine was able to sit in on our emergency budget meeting over the weekend, and no matter how many permutations we tried, our best option is eliminating the senior program and those two staff positions. Not permanently. Lord knows we need it right now. But absent an infusion of funding, it’s our smartest option on a short timeline.”
“Luciana, I can’t…I won’t do it.”
“Then I’ll do it,” she said gently. “I’m saying this as respectfully as possible, but we’re not asking. And our decision is final. Hiring Elaine’s replacement will take awhile, which is why it’s falling on your shoulders. But I’m serious about taking it off your plate. I know how close you are with Dean and Eddie.”
I went to massage my left shoulder, as if that was the source of my physical discomfort. “What are all the folks who rely on us gonna do?”
“Elaine’s first suggestion was to direct them to Philly Food Network since they run a similar program for seniors.”
“But they’re out in the southwest when our clients are east of Broad. I’m not having them hop buses for a box of food.”
“I agree it’s far from ideal but it’s the first stopgap measure we came up with. Our top priority, our main focus is to raise the funds to bring our senior program back. But with the numbers we’re looking at, the earliest would be next summer.”
Luciana was right. Even bewildered by all the new reports I was learning to decipher, it was clear that we were completely fucked.
It was also clear that the cleanest cut would be the food program.
“Rowan, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. We tried, we truly did, and I promise we’ll keep trying.” There was a muffled sound, and she lowered her voice. “As a leader, letting go of staff is one of the most agonizing decisions to grapple with. Resisting it doesn’t make you weak. Having compassion and empathy, wanting to fight to keep them, makes you strong. Even still, I will step in to help you if you need it. Just say the word, okay?”
“Okay,” I repeated, throat tight. “And sorry for not responding earlier.”
“It’s fine, this is a stressful time. But we’ll get through it together.”
Together without Dean and Eddie though.
That didn’t feel like together.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. I’d ignored that email for a reason, already on edge between my fight with Charlie and the everyday fires I was putting out in Elaine’s absence. Confronting the reality of what they were asking felt impossible.
Luciana’s voice cut through my spiraling thoughts. “Can I ask you one more thing before I go?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“The board thought you would submit your name for consideration of Elaine’s position.”
I went still. “Uh…what? Me?”
“Yes, you. Given the budget situation we’re in, I would understand why taking a leadership role wouldn’t be appealing. Elaine was very clear about you being her successor, and you’ve done an amazing job with basically no preparation.”
“Are you sure?” I let out a dry laugh. “I feel like I’m barely keepin’ us from burning down every day.”
“I warned you about the steep learning curve,” she said with a similar laugh. “From the outside, operations seem very smooth. It doesn’t mean there aren’t changes that need to be made. I would just ask you to consider…now that you’ve peeked behind the scenes, would you want to be part of those changes?”
“Well…sure,” I admitted, my brain sparking at the edges. “There’s a ton. I’ve been keeping this little list of ideas and thought I would pass it off to the next director. As long as they’re not too stupid.”
“I highly doubt they are,” she said firmly.
I glanced over to 10th Street. “One of those ideas is saving the food program before we have to make cuts. Taking services away from this neighborhood will only feel like a punishment to people who’ve suffered enough. The cuts might seem like the only option but once we do it, I’m worried we’ll lose all this trust and goodwill we’ve spent years building. If I was in charge, I would handle the situation differently.”
Luciana was silent on the other end for a moment. “You would apply for the ED position to save Dean and Eddie’s jobs?”
“I’d apply for the position because I believe I can save their jobs. And I’m the right person to do it.”
Where this certainty came from, I had not a clue. I was realizing it was the truth though.
What if Charlie and I getting into an argument helped me push past some of the other fear I was clinging to?
“I’m glad to hear it, because I’ve been rooting for you this whole time,” she finally said. “Let me talk to the board, hammer out some details, and get back to you. Does that work?”
I grinned. “You know where to find me. Surrounded by grant reports at Elaine’s desk.”
We hung up and I felt the tiniest bit lighter. It was a small victory—maybe—but I’d take it.
“Yo, Rowan,” Eddie yelled from across the street, “you gonna stand there in the sun letting our food melt? Some of us have places to be, you know.”
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and strolled up to the park with my arms outstretched, the plastic bag of food dangling from my finger.
“Are you really gonna fuck with me when I walked over here to feed you?”
I passed the plastic container of cannoli to my grandmother with a wink. “Don’t let Eddie lie. I’m his boss now, and I know where he has to be in the morning, and that’s not for another three hours.”
She tapped her cheek for a kiss, and I gave it. “I’ve never believed a word out of that man’s mouth, thank you very much. I’m not going to start now.”
Eddie sniffed, sitting on the chair next to Alice. A large rainbow umbrella provided shade so that these two elderly maniacs could gossip in the morning before moving to Midge and Maria’s stoop for additional lunchtime gossip.
Eddie handed me a tiny ball of purring fluff. I held it up to my face. “Do you think Tiffany remembers me rescuing her?”
“Probably. She’s smart, that one,” he said. At his feet, his other formerly feral cat, Pam, snoozed in a patch of sunlight. “And you don’t know where I’m going to be today.”
“Don’t I? Because it should be your job. The ole place of employment. That side hustle I set you up with.”
Eddie stubbed out his cigarette and opened his container. Grunted his approval and said, “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”
I dragged over a squeaky folding chair and sat on it backward, my elbows propped up. Dean and Tabitha strolled into the park—Tabitha yawning with a serious case of bedhead, Dean carrying a mug of coffee and a tiny radio.
He clicked it on to our favorite local sports station, and I relaxed into the gentle rise and fall of Phillies player stats and post-game analysis—the only numbers I’d ever understood. Used to be after my injury that I couldn’t even listen to the sounds of the sport that had been a constant metronome in my life.
Now it only caused a momentary pang of discomfort.
“Mornin’, lovebirds,” I called out. “What’s growing today?”
Dean set his coffee down on the picnic table and watched as Tabitha examined the first of three large planter beds.
She squealed and said, “We got tomatoes, baby!”
Dean shrugged. “Tomatoes. A lot of ’em.”
“We could have told you that,” my grandmother said primly. “Eddie and I have been tracking the garden for months now.”
I cast a questioning look at Eddie who shrugged in a Dean-like fashion. “Me and Dean divvy up the extra produce into the food boxes. We know who likes what at this point.”
I hid a grimace. “See? You don’t even need me at the center anymore. I’m the boring old guy in a suit now.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh and my grandmother patted my knee softly. “You look very handsome in a suit.” She squinted, tilted my face side-to-side. “And tired. You’re working too much. Or worrying too much. That must be the reason why you’ve been avoiding me.”
“I saw you less than thirty-six hours ago,” I said with a grin.
“Complete and total abandonment.” She sighed. “I always knew it would come to this.”
“Did you ever think these guilt trips are the reason I’m tossing and turning all night?”
“I should hope so. I know how you tomcat around.”
I twisted in my seat. “Yo, Dean. Are you hearin’ this?”
Tabitha was mid-laughter, filling a basket with tomatoes while Dean was shaking his head with a small smile.
“You do have tomcat ways,” Tabitha called over. “I say own it.”
“Alice speaks the truth,” Dean said. “I’ll get you some cat ears for Halloween.”
In my lap, the kitten yawned, and I scratched the top of her head with the tip of my finger. “It’s one thing to besmirch my good name when I’m alone. But around Tiffany? That’s low, man.”
Eddie bent to scoop up the kitten. “She’s not so innocent, this one. She watches the soaps with me and Pam every afternoon. I think she knows how the world works.”
Then he turned on his heel and waved goodbye from over his shoulder. “Thanks for the cannoli, Rowan. I’ll see youse later.”
“I’ll see you at the center though, right?” I called. “For your job that I pay you to do?”
He grumbled something I didn’t catch before disappearing around Tabitha’s aunt’s house. Dean and I exchanged another amused look. Eddie enjoyed being vulnerable about as much as I used to enjoy plunging my shoulder into ice baths at the end of practice. The man was the definition of he’s grumpy because he cares.
He did care, pulling hours at the center past what we paid him and always doing his best to get food where it was needed.
Letting Eddie go wasn’t an option.
I switched seats, moving to sit next to my grandmother so I could tip my head back, close my eyes for a second. Her fingers tapped gently on my arm, and the neighborhood surrounded me—the baseball stats on the radio, the 47 bus stopping to let off passengers at the corner across the way. Behind us, two neighbors were having a friendly-seeming argument while a Spanish-language pop song slipped out from the tiny market on the corner.
This block had saved me and my grandmother during our darkest moments—not only the summer that my parents died but the years after. Over the course of one night, Alice became a grieving mother and my sudden guardian. And I became an orphan, on a new street, in a new house, being raised by a grandmother I’d always liked but hardly knew at all.
It’s not a time I remember super well, for all sorts of reasons, but I do recall that meeting Dean made a lot of things better for me.
Knew that Midge and Maria fed us more nights than not, stayed late to do the dishes, and kept the house full of people when we needed a distraction.
And I knew that Eddie—for all his gruff grumbling—took me shopping for clothes and toys and a brand-new bike when my grandmother couldn’t get out of bed.
For years, a host of South Philly folks were constantly around—sometimes obvious. Sometimes not, like the times Eddie would fix a leaky patch in our roof without saying a word. Or how Annie—the woman whose house used to be on this abandoned lot—would walk me and Dean to school. Or take Alice to church.
Before Elaine was my boss at the rec center, she was leaving a box of food on our stoop for Christmas.
I opened my eyes and pressed the palm of my hand over the spot in my chest that ached now. For my parents. For this neighborhood. For the senior food program that Dean and I had been so proud of.
I owed everything to this place. Whether they hired me as the ED or not, I needed to figure out a way to fix things at the rec center before it was too late. There was only one event with Charlie between now and the ultimatum I’d been given—the championship gala dinner. I needed to bring my A game to that dinner, and in the meantime, keep shaking the pockets of every donor we had.
The surprise $10,000 from Steve was a great start, and helpful, but I needed to secure a lot more to save the day, and Charlie’s list of names would help me do it.
As long as she was still speaking to me.
“Tabitha? Dean? Come over here for a second,” my grandmother said. “I’ve got a bone to pick with all three of you.”
My eyebrows shot up. “All three of us?”
“Yeah, what did I do?” Tabitha exclaimed.
Dean sat, pulling Tabitha down in his lap. “Whatever she says, don’t deny it. Just accept your punishment.”
I was about to add something equally as smartass but clammed up at the expression on my grandmother’s face.
“You,” she said, pointing, “have a secret you’ve been keeping from me.”
“How would I be doing that? I see you all the damn time, lady.”
She sniffed, looking smug. “But you forgot to mention that you’re dating a nice girl who rides motorcycles?”
I darted a surprised glance at Dean and Tabitha, who were doing a horrible job of keeping their cool.
I dropped my elbows to my knees. “Okay, who told you?”
“My hairdresser’s son’s friend saw a picture of you two together on the internet. And you know Susan, who works the deli counter at the Acme, confirmed it.”
My gut twisted with the weight of the lie now that this scheme had finally found its way to South Philly. Beyond whatever boyhood mischief I got up to, I wasn’t in the habit of telling actual lies to my grandmother, though I knew she’d find out about Charlie eventually.
Given how she and I had left things, did it even matter anymore?
I opened my mouth, prepared to tell the truth, but then I saw how…happy she seemed.
“You’re not…mad?” I asked warily.
“Yes, I’m mad. But I also want to have her over for dinner, get to know her. How’s tonight? And why do you look sick to your stomach?”
Dean coughed awkwardly into his fist—he’d seen me on the ride home from Charlie’s race, knew we weren’t on the best terms right now.
“It’s not having her over for dinner,” I said, “it’s that, with me and Charlie, things are casual. It’s not serious. And I don’t want you to meet her, or get your hopes up, if it’s not made to last.”
Lying didn’t feel great but setting her up with false expectations wasn’t something I could justify.
