It's Only Fake 'Til Midnight, page 12
“Fuck fate.”
“Fuck fate,” she agreed. “Actually, I don’t regret it. I mean at the time I did, but if I hadn’t lived through all that, I might not be here with you tonight.”
“And tonight is worth it?” he asked.
The date hadn’t been normal, all down to her, but Dash definitely was worth it. The more she got to know the real man—the man behind the legendary charm and legendary family—the more she was falling for him.
Which she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do. Except it was hard not to when he was looking at her this way. A way that made her think she saw love in his eyes. Real love that would last past accidents and upheaval. And once again, she started to pray the only way she knew. That Smiths song. Please, please, let me get Dash.
* * *
“Was tonight worth it?” he asked again. He wasn’t sure it was as far as Elle was concerned. He’d stirred up memories she probably never wanted to live through again and then revealed that he had his own cracks. He hadn’t been old enough when his father died to ever have a talk about how to handle things as a man.
His grandfather was gruff and told him to stop being a wuss if he ever let any emotions show. His father had been more open to talking about things when he’d been home. But his dad had been gone. A lot.
There were times when he felt the battle inside of himself to be both like his father and grandfather. His grandfather was autocratic and self-serving, and never questioned himself. Just bulldozed his way through life and made damn sure that everyone knew he wasn’t stopping. His father was different. That part of Dash empathized with others and had tried to be aware that he was luckier than most and use his privilege and position to help as many as he could.
But it was hard.
Tonight was no exception. He wanted Elle, but suddenly, seducing her wasn’t as straight forward as he’d expected it to be. She’d said she wanted a date before they hooked up again and he’d given her one. But this...well this was more than he’d expected.
“Yes,” she said. “You’re worth it.”
“Me?”
“You. Am I?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. Was she? Maybe, but he could never tell her that, could he?
What if he had to? Hell, he was letting too much time pass wasn’t he.
“Yeah, you are.”
She shook her head almost sadly at his response and he knew he’d fucked it up. Hell, he’d guessed he would from the very first moment she’d asked him that.
“You don’t have to lie. We’re in a fake relationship for your sister’s health, so if this isn’t really developing into more than that, don’t pretend with me.”
He hated her honesty. Hated that she could just open herself up to him and say things that really made him wish he was a different man. Or the same man but one who could open himself back up to her. But he wasn’t even sure there was anything inside of him.
He loved Rory, but for a time part of that was duty and guilt. It had been the same with Conrad. This...whatever it was that was slowly growing between him and Elle, he had no idea what part of him it came from.
“I wasn’t pretending. I don’t know how you do that. How you open yourself up like that?” He shoved his hand through his hair again. And then realized he was doing all those small ticks that had earned him a backhand from his grandfather for fidgeting and immediately put his arms at his side one hand in his pocket. The more he dealt with his past, the more it came to the surface.
“I don’t know another way to be with you,” she admitted. “It’s not easy and I’m not doing it to manipulate you, I just... I don’t want to fool myself again, Dash. Not with you. I think—I know you’re a decent man and that you don’t want to hurt me. But that doesn’t mean you won’t and I’m trying to be as honest with you so maybe that won’t happen.”
He got it. He knew what she wanted. And until Elle, until this moment, he hadn’t realized that this was his worst fear. It wasn’t Candace leaving all those years ago, because truth be told he hadn’t really missed her but more the idea of her. It was Elle, tempting him. She made him want things that he’d told himself he was good without.
He wanted to be able to love her. He wanted to search out the hollowed-out parts of his soul and figure out if love could exist in there. But what he wasn’t sure of was if he was brave enough to do it.
He had never thought of himself as a coward. Never believed there was anything after that horrible December car crash that could shake him. Until her.
“I can’t—”
“I know. I shouldn’t have come out with you tonight. Getting that box, being back at my old home, seeing my mom’s wedding stuff. It’s stirring some chaos inside of me and I’m just sort of bumping all around tonight. I’m asking you for these big leaps and you’re not ready.”
He hated, hated the way that sounded. It made him feel less than in her eyes and he couldn’t—wouldn’t allow that. If she wanted the truth, then he’d give it to her.
“Truth is that all you want from me?”
She nodded.
“Here it is. I don’t know what to do with you. I’m not sure what emotions I actually can feel and I’m not even sure if they are real. Right now, I’m happy my sister is out of her coma and you’re back in my life. I’m not sure that I can make this last. Fuck, I haven’t made anything last except business deals and upkeep on an old mansion no one had lived in for years. So there it is. I’m not sure I’m the man you’ll want me to be, but I’m more than man enough to take this on.”
She kind of nodded and swallowed hard.
He hoped she wasn’t struggling to believe him. What more could he do to show her how much she meant to him?
“Okay, good. So we’re doing this?”
“Yeah, we’re doing it,” he said, but the words were sort of barked out. Not sexy or romancey at all. Nothing like the Prince Charming he’d always thought of himself to be with the ladies. Nothing like the man he thought Elle should be with in his mind.
But this was who he was. Underneath the charmed life, he was rough, maybe more so than Conrad was, and Dash had finally admitted it.
“Good. Don’t pretend with me when we’re alone anymore. I want to know the real man.”
“What if he’s not what you’re expecting?”
“What if I’m not?” she said. “We both are used to projecting a certain image...maybe it’s time we stopped pretending with each other and see what happens.”
* * *
Not pretending should be easy, but Elle knew it might not be a simple thing for either of them. She had no idea how much of Dash’s persona was real and how much was put on. And for herself, it was necessary. She’d been pretending she was cool with being on her own since Maude had kicked her out.
And it had really only been today, when she’d stood on the patio looking into the house and remembering the good times, that she realized she wasn’t fine with being alone. She’d spent so many years not letting her mind wander back to that part of her life and now...it seemed cowardly to her, and it was time to let it go.
“Sure,” he said.
She laughed at the dry tone. “I know it’s a big ask, but maybe it’ll work.”
“Honestly, you seem very good at putting your mind to something and getting results. I’d have to say tonight didn’t turn out as I’d expected but I’m not disappointed.”
“You’re not?” she asked.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. It was the kind of slow, long kiss that stirred to life so much more than sensual heat. It was calling her deepest emotions, and they didn’t need any more encouragement from Dash. She knew that she was challenging herself to be the best version of herself for him. Not just for him, but because the life she wanted with him was only going to happen if she was at her best.
His lips against hers were firm and familiar. His tongue rubbed against hers and she put her hands on the sides of his head as she sucked it deeper into her mouth. God, she wanted this man. No one had ever got her hotter quicker than he did.
He lifted his head and they were so close as he rested his forehead against hers; she felt the warmth of his exhalation as he breathed. His eyes were wide open and in them she fancied that she saw the same confusion she felt inside. That desire for something more, and a little of that fear of what changes it might bring.
His hand moved down her back, finding the hem of the cropped top she’d changed into after work and then slipping underneath it so she felt his hot hand against her spine. He splayed his fingers so that he covered much of the naked flesh under her top and she trembled with desire in his arms.
She swallowed hard and lowered one of her hands, finding the buttons on his shirt and undoing them down the middle of his chest until she could slip her arm underneath it, her hand caressing him. She held him to her.
Her breasts were full and heavy as she breathed. She felt them brushing against his chest, they were so close. His erection grew against her. At times they communicated better without words.
Duh.
She had been looking for some reassurance he wasn’t going to abandon her the way that her parents had in death, or her stepmother had out of anger, grief and spite. But life didn’t work that way. Was she truly just now realizing, body-to-body with Dash, that the safety net she wanted didn’t exist?
Yes, she thought. She most definitely was.
She kissed the side of his neck where he smelled faintly of his cologne and that other essence that she associated only with Dash. When she closed her eyes, his scent immediately stirred memories of the last time she was in his arms. That frantic coupling in the hallway of her home.
Something that had soothed an ache inside of her but had also created a longing for something more. And now she was back in his arms. The craving had returned with double the strength. And the longing...well, it was back too, and even though her gut was pretty darn sure she’d never be fully satisfied and would always want more of Dash, she quieted it.
She wasn’t going to find an easy answer to the dilemma she was puzzling over. Love didn’t work that way. She could fall in love with him, and he could end up feeling only affection for her. She knew that. She could live with that, she thought, as she felt his mouth on her neck, sucking at that spot where her neck and shoulder met and sending shivers down her body creating wetness between her legs.
The thing she couldn’t live without was Dash.
She couldn’t live with regret if she walked away from him because she thought it might be safer. When had safer ever been a way she wanted to live her life?
She pushed hand lower down his back, burrowing it under the waistband of his pants, but only a finger could fit. Impatient to reach more of his skin, she loosened the fastening at his waistband with her other hand and then let her hand on his back move lower, sliding over the firm flesh of his butt and cupping one of his cheeks in her hand, drawing him closer to her.
He groaned and his mouth moved lower along the edge of the ruffled neckline of her top. His tongue traced the path where fabric and flesh met. She arched her back and thrust her chest toward him, wanting so much more than these teasing kisses that set fire to her body.
“Dash?”
“Hmm...” The sound vibrated against her skin.
“Are we alone here?”
“Uh, they’ll come and check on us,” he said, lifting his head. “Unless I tell them we don’t want to be disturbed.”
“Go tell them,” she said. He nodded and walked away quickly.
She reached up under her skirt, took off her panties and stashed them in her handbag that was on the deck next to her. Then she sat down on the padded cushions and laid back against them. The sky seemed so big tonight with no clouds and only stars, satellites and the moon to fill it.
She took a breath and, on the breeze that blew past her, let go of the illusion that she had any control over her life.
Twelve
The crew he had on the yacht were known for their discretion, and after a quiet word with the captain, he headed back up on deck. This had been his main reason for setting up a date, but somehow this felt like more than sex. Hooking up with Elle would give him some kind of relief from the lust that seemed to settle on his body like a heavy cloak whenever he thought about her—and he thought about her way too much.
But their conversation had made him realize how complicated and special sex could be with the right person. He wanted her more than he had wanted anything or anyone before. That scared him. He’d be an idiot to not let it. He got a condom and went back up on deck.
Anyone and anything attached to the Gilbert name was cursed, he knew that. But at the same time, as strong as his desire was to protect Elle, he couldn’t fight his need for her. He returned to deck and found her lying on the cushions. One of her legs was bent at the knee and she had her arms spread out to her sides.
He stood in shadows watching her. Remembering the hurt she’d expressed to him about her past made his heart hurt. But seeing her this open, this ready to take a chance on him. It was humbling.
He didn’t want to fuck this up. Wouldn’t allow himself to. Not the lovemaking. The other stuff. The stuff he’d never considered or tried before. He had to do it now for her. Had to match this openness he observed in her.
He toed off his deck shoes as he got closer to her and lay down next to her on the cushions as she turned her head toward him. She’d undone her hair and it was spread around her head in a riot of curls that caught him by surprise. It was easy to forget what Elle really looked like when she wasn’t all buttoned-up.
He caught one of the curls and twirled it around his finger as he leaned over her. He let go of the curl, drawing it down to her bare collarbone and then moved his fingers lower to push the ruffled sleeve down her shoulder until the top of her breast was revealed. He paused, lowering his head and kissing the spot before pushing the stretchy fabric of her top lower, until he saw her naked breast in the moonlight.
Her breasts with their tight nipples beckoned him and he began sucking one nipple into his mouth. She put her hand on his shoulder and stroked him for a moment, and then she fumbled around until she had her hand under his shirt. He lifted his head and sat up, tearing his shirt off and tossing it to the deck. He undid his pants and then went back to her breast.
He caressed his way down her body, stopping at her nipped-in waist and the flesh under the crop top. He moved his hand farther down her body, taking her by the waist and turning her on her side.
Her hands were on his chest caressing him. Her fingernails raking slowly over his skin and sending tremors of lust through him. His cock got even bigger and he lifted his head and closed his eyes for a moment to pull himself back from the edge of coming. That trick might have worked if her hand hadn’t slipped lower and started to stroke him through the fabric of his underwear. He reached down with one quick movement and freed his cock and balls.
She moaned her approval against his chest where she was kissing him as her hand wrapped around him and stroked his length. He cupped her butt through her skirt and it felt like she was bare-assed naked underneath, which made his hips jerk just as she reached the top of his cock and ran her finger over the sensitive tip.
Done with pretending this was going to last much longer, he pulled her skirt up and cupped her naked butt, running his finger along the furrow between her cheeks and then lower to her pussy, which was moist and hot. He pushed his finger into her as he lowered his mouth onto hers and kissed her long and keep. He thrust his tongue slowly in and out of her mouth mimicking the motions of his finger on her female flesh.
She groaned and her hand tightened on his cock, moving up and down on him. He wanted her so much that he felt that tension moving through him. He had to fight himself not to thrust harder into her hand and cum. But he wanted to be inside her.
He pulled his hand from her pussy and lifted his head. “There’s a condom in my pocket.”
She nodded, got the condom and then shifted around to hand it to him. He tore the packet open and put it on one-handed and pulled her back into his arms. His mouth going back to hers. Her hand going back to his cock, and his hand back on her butt and then lower to her pussy.
He was riding this knife’s edge of his desire, turning himself on as much as he could before he took her, because as everything else with Elle, when he had her in his arms, he felt like he needed to make it last. As if this might be the last time he was with her.
She might be open to him and the possibilities of the future but life had shown him that the future wasn’t also open back. So he wanted to draw every possible moment out with her. Make it last for as long as it could.
* * *
Elle was on fire for Dash. She could tell that he was drawing this out. The way he kept trying to slow them down...but she didn’t want that. That wasn’t who they were or how she saw them. She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him flat on his back over the cushions and straddled his waist.
He pushed the fabric of her skirt up high on her waist and his hands were back on her butt as she positioned herself over him and then took the entire length of him inside of her. She stopped when he was fully inside her. Their eyes met and he groaned as he sat up, pushing him deeper inside her. She wrapped her legs around his waist as his mouth came down on hers and his hands tightened on her butt.
He moved her against him, his hips pumping her under and his hands pulling her down with each of his upward thrusts. She sucked his tongue deeper into her mouth wanting him to fill her as completely as possible. She closed her eyes and felt the hardened tips of her nipples rubbing against his chest. Wrapping her arms around his neck as she continued to drive her higher and higher. She felt like every part of her was straining for release. She wanted to be able to touch him harder, she needed more of him and rode him harder and harder until he ran his finger along her butt crack and he pushed the tip of his finger inside her.
