E, page 38
***
No one talks much that evening, at least not after I come in. Pride makes me wait until I think Jonas and Apollon are dozing, even though it means apologizing in front of Neveah.
So I wander over to Miranda, who is sitting in the kitchen chair, nibbling on a piece of old bread. I stand close to her, which makes her look up at me. Her eyes are a touch wider than usual, like she's alarmed. Maybe she thinks I'm mad at her. That I mean to threaten her. It makes me feel guilty all over again. There's no other seats nearby, so I sit on the floor and cross my legs. Now I have to look up at her. She looks wary, and confused.
"I'm sorry," I say. My voice is hoarse, and cracks as I struggle to push the words out. I force myself to continue. "What I said—"
She turns suddenly away. Before her hair falls across her eyes, the expression I read is full of discomfort and pain.
I hesitate, then consider abandoning the apology all together. If apologizing only makes her feel worse, then what's the point? To make myself feel better? I rub my hands on my knees and rock forward to get up.
"OK," she says suddenly, before I can actually climb to my knees.
I settle back down and look at her.
After a moment, she turns back to me, but her face may as well be set in stone, completely emotionless. We stare at each other blankly. She does not apologize to me.
"OK," I say, realizing that she will not reciprocate. Realizing that I hoped she would. It would have been easier to make amends, then. To do what Oscar needs me to do. My humiliated goodwill turns to hollow gloom. I nod curtly and rise. I want to go outside. Instead, I curl up next to Oscar, against the wall. He gives me a smile that makes the corners of his mouth pucker into holes instead of pulling upward. My return smile probably looks much the same. I sigh, and lean back against the wall, closing my eyes. I want to run. Instead, I hold myself completely still, and barely allow myself to breathe.
