Always June, page 4
I GO TO BOWLING PRACTICE
for the first time since I missed our match. It’s awkward. I say, I’m sorry. And then I tell them about the date. Everything. The popcorn. The hog comment. The laxatives. Ammiah says that Benny didn’t mention any of this. He only said he was the world’s biggest idiot. Telling the truth is hard but easier as I go on. I hate the Gobbler nickname, I say, forcing the words out. Oh shoot, Ricki says, covering her mouth. I didn’t even think! The others chime in and agree they can do better. Ammiah jumps in and says, Actually, I hate my nickname, too. It’s so much pressure! We all stare at her, surprised. But then … more secrets come out. Laurel hates bowling and only does it for her friends. Kimi says the smell of Ammiah’s hand lotion gives her a headache. Polly hates the pizza at Ten Pin. We all know that, Ricki says. You tell us ALL the time. Polly nods. Yeah, but I really, really hate it. We laugh. We hug. We promise to be honest going forward. No more secrets. No more hiding. Before we leave, I tell Ricki, Check your email. I wrote an op-ed for the paper and if you like it— you can print it. She squeals and squeezes me in a big hug. Which, I’m pretty sure means I’m forgiven.
TOBY IS GONE
A big FOR SALE sign went up. He sent me a text as the U-Haul pulled away. You’re the only thing I’ll miss round here. I stared at it a long time, feeling sad for the first boy I ever kissed. Then I wished him good luck and put my phone away.
A SECOND CHANCE
at a first date. Benny and I have a do-over date. We go roller-skating, a thing we are both very bad at. We help each other fall down and get back up. I laugh so much my face hurts. And … at the end of the date when he doesn’t kiss me— I make the move and kiss him instead.
SURPRISE
Mae comes home the day before the wedding, date in tow. Thing is, Mae’s date is not the type of boy I imagined her with. Actually, she’s not a boy at all. Mae has a girlfriend. I can tell Mae is nervous introducing her. I give them both big hugs. Bill does, too. Mom rolls her eyes and says, Of course you go to an artsy school and come home a lesbian. But then she laughs and hugs them both as well.
THE WEDDING
is beautiful. Mom finds a dress that’s hot pink, and it fits her perfectly. Mae makes matching soft pink dresses for the two of us. Side by side in front of the mirror, I am pretty sure that we all look beautiful. And I’m pretty sure the bond between us might be beaten up— but it’s not broken. Maybe now— it’s actually even stronger than before.
BEFORE MAE LEAVES
to go back to school, I show her my op-ed that Ricki printed. I watch her face as she reads the words, that for so long I couldn’t say. And when she’s done, I finally tell her, I’m sorry. We hug. Mae says she missed me so much but was too homesick to say it or even type it. She was also worried that maybe I was better off without her. I promise her this will NEVER EVER be true. And then we hug again— even harder.
WHAT DID I WRITE
in that op-ed? Just the truth. Not Erick’s truth that he stole from me. But my truth. I took it back from him. And now I own it. I am a fat girl with an eating disorder. I used those two words that I still hate because they’re the truth. Which maybe in a way … did set me FREE.
I’M NOT HIDING ANYMORE
And I’m not pretending everything is Fine. I’m not pushing everyone away, but instead opening up to my friends and my new psychologist and even Bill. (Crazy, right?) Because I now know I can’t fix this alone. Do I look in the mirror and love myself? Ha. No. Not yet. BUT …
THE OTHER DAY
Ammiah had a photo of the bowling girls that I thought was from last season before I joined. And I saw all these gorgeous confident girls with big goofy grins, cheesing at the camera. Then, I realized one of them was me. It was a photo from this season. I was one of those gorgeous girls. How about that?
LATELY I FEEL LIGHTER
even as I’m taking up more space. And I think maybe, just maybe, this is how it’s supposed to feel when I’m honest and open and brave enough to try and be— all of me. Always June.
Balancing Act
Hang on tight! When I’m on a trapeze, I defy gravity. I’m a leaf caught in a summer storm. Twisting. Spinning. But there’s always that voice in the back of my mind, whispering: Hang on tight. Don’t let go. Falling is not an option.
Dance Trapeze
When I tell people I’m a trapeze artist, their eyes light up like stars. I know they’re thinking about flying trapeze. About acrobats w h i z z i n g through the air. But dance trapeze is different. There’s no swinging. No catching. No letting go. A dance trapeze doesn’t tick tock back and forth. A dance trapeze spins in tight circles. It twirls and turns. If you don’t hold on, it will spin you right off.
About the Author
Kate Karyus Quinn is an avid reader and menthol chapstick addict. She lives in the suburbs of Buffalo, New York, with her husband, three children, and two dogs. She is the author of several books, including: Anti/Hero, a middle grade graphic novel with DC Comics, and Not Hungry, a book in verse that was a Junior Library Guild selection.
Kate Karyus Quinn, Always June
