They rode along in silence for quite some time. Belle’s parents had inherited the farm from her maternal grandparents, who in turn had had the land handed down to them. The original house was long gone, burned up in a wildfire sparked by fireworks long before her birth. Back in the day, the three hundred acres proved to be a profitable farm, though her family was far from what society considered rich. Now most of the land laid untouched, reclaimed by Mother Nature and her animals.

  And yet Belle knew every square inch, having explored the acreage on the back of Pinecone. Her summer days had been spent imagining bandits hiding out in the thickets and she had been the copper going to catch them. Other times she had been on safari.

  Belle sighed, melancholy spying the crack and slipping back in.

  “Something amiss?” Julie asked.

  “Just thinking,” Belle replied. “You know how it is.”

  “Can we stop? I want to talk to you about something, and it’s kind of important.”

  Oh no, here it comes. She’s brought me out here to tell me she wants to be with Hector. She’s going to break my heart. Can’t she wait until the holidays have passed? Belle fought the urge to spur Davenport into a trot. It wouldn’t have been fair to him, and besides, she might as well get this whole affair done and over with. Steeling her spine, she asked Davenport to turn. The gelding flicked his ears, excited to be facing the route home.

  “Okay.”

  Belle had to admit, Julie looked adorable sitting on the back of Pinecone, the pony about half the size of Davenport. She wore a borrowed helmet and her cheeks were rosy from the cold. Belle knew the set of Julie’s jaw, the expression on her face, the way she kept her gaze slightly averted. Normally Julie was the braver of the two, often saying with ease the things on her mind, whereas Belle let them dwell and fester. Julie loved life boldly, not caring how others perceived her.

  But once in a while, even she struggled with finding the right way to phrase the thoughts bouncing around in her head. Moments like that piqued Belle’s anxiety; which given her current fluctuating mood, only served to make matters worse. Davenport picked up on her unease, shifting his weight. Belle shivered, praying it was the temperature and not the impending sense of doom.

  What kind of coldhearted person breaks up with someone not only on the holidays but also at their home while technically on vacation? Coldhearted? That’s not Julie. She’s been so sweet, so kind, everything I’ve ever hoped for in a girlfriend, so why do I continue to fret and doubt and second guess what we have? Hector—

  Julie titled her head slightly. “Are you okay? You’ve gone rather pale.”

  “Just chilled,” she lied. Could Julie note the hollowness of her voice, or did it just sound that way to her? She swallowed down a lump. “So what’s on your mind?”

  “Maybe we should wait, head back to the house where it’s warm.”

  Belle forced a smile. “No, it’s fine. You have something you want to say, so say it. Go ahead.”

  “Okay. Well, I’ve been thinking. A lot,” Julie started out.

  Just get it over with. Tell me the truth, tell me how Hector gives you the type of relationship you want. That you and he…Belle felt her chest tightening, acutely aware of every heartbeat. Was that bile she tasted? Was she going to throw up? Her grip on the reins tightened as she feared she might topple out of the saddle. Maybe heading for home was the right idea. Too late now.

  “Now what I’m about to tell you, please know that I’ve spent considerable time on this and have considered every angle. This isn’t a conclusion I came to swiftly or lightly.”

  “Mmhmm.” Belle didn’t trust herself to talk. Already she felt the familiar burn of tears. What she wasn’t paying attention to was Davenport, the way the gelding grew tense, feeding off her building anxiety. He grew nervous, chomping on his bit and flicking his ears.

  “I think…” Julie took a deep breath, momentarily closing her eyes, then forged on. “I think we need to make some changes in our relationship.”

  The world around Belle faded, ceasing to exist as Julie gave word to her worst fears. Anxiety tightened its hold, cracks already forming through her heart. A tear slipped free. Belle opened her mouth to say…What did she have to say? Logic fled her as dizziness swept in, her vision blurred along the edges. Davenport tossed his head, uncomfortable.

  “Belle?”

  Belle swayed in the saddle. She had a fleeting thought she was going to fall, gripping Davenport harder with her thighs. By some cruel twist of fate, a pair of deer picked that moment to crash through nearby trees, crossing the path left by the horses, their white tales displayed. It was more than enough to spook Davenport, who bolted. Belle let out a cry, startled, managing to maintain her position on his back as the gelding raced for the promised safety of home and his mishmash herd.

  “Belle!” Julie yelled after her.

  Chapter 8

  Pinecone, with the patience of an old school master, likely wondered what had gotten Davenport freaked out. Belle knew he’d take care of Julie. How many times had their childhood adventures been disrupted by surprised wildlife? They’d even once been chased off by a very unfriendly tom turkey. The snow fluffy enough to be Hollywood fake and a path already trudged through it, Davenport cut quickly across the field, breaking out of the tree line. The farmhouse and barn came into view.

  In tears, Belle’s eyes and cheeks burned from the cold. Davenport’s bolt left Belle reeling. She tried to get the upper hand but failed, watching in horror as they careened toward one of the pasture fences. All she could do was hold on and pray Davenport managed to clear it or come to his senses.

  “Belle!” Julie sounded far away.

  Belle saw the fence, three rails of solid wood that had been carefully crafted by her father. The boards weren’t weathered and gray yet like other parts of the fence, suggesting a recent fix. Belle vaguely recalled a conversation with her mother after a particularly vicious round of summer storms. A tree had fallen on the fence and the cows had gotten out. It hadn’t been a laughing matter, but Belle found herself chuckling now.

  Odd, the things that picked now to cross her mind. Was this what people meant when they said their life flashed before their eyes?

  Davenport spotted the fence, throwing on the brakes. He slid in the fresh snow, failing to find proper traction. An object in motion…Belle careened over the gelding’s head, soaring over the fence without him and landing with an oomph!, all the oxygen forced from her lungs in a whoosh. She lay there, unable to move and waiting for Davenport to crash through the fence and trample her.

  It never happened.

  “Belle, oh my God,” she heard Julie’s shocked cry. “Belle.”

  She sucked in a deep breath and pushed herself up, the world slightly tilting back and forth like a carnival ride slowing down. The blackness crept into her vision again and she screwed her eyes shut, waiting out the wave of nausea. Horribly, Belle wished the fall had knocked her out, anything to avoid finishing the conversation Julie had started.

  “Belle, hold on, sweetheart, I’ll be right there. Don’t move.”

  Sweetheart. What right did she have to still use that term of endearment? Did she mean for it to soften the blow? Why, Belle began to wonder, was everyone suddenly turning away from her, leaving her abandoned? What had she done wrong? She began to cry, tears streaking down her numb cheeks.

  Julie popped into her line of sight, eyes wide. She fell to her knees, reaching out, unsure of where to touch, her hands everywhere and nowhere. “Are you okay? Does anything hurt?”

  A bitter laugh bubbled up out of Belle, the well-meaning question striking her as absurd. The response sent Julie rocking back on her heels. Belle realized she must have looked like a maniac. All too quickly the laughter turned into sobbing.

  “Belle?”

  “Why does everyone want to leave me? I thought you loved me, and you came out here, but you brought Hector so how…” She sniffled, aware she was babbling and making no sense. “What kind of person breaks up with someone on a holiday vacation? You should have just done it at home so I could come here alone. If you want Hector, you can have him. I’ll never be able to compete with him and what he has to offer. And…and…” Her sobs began to wind down.

  This had to be the worst holiday ever.

  “Oh, Belle,” Julie said. She reached for her. Belle flinched. Julie’s hand fell back to her lap. They sat in the snow, facing each other. Belle wished for the strength to stand so she could check on Davenport or wobble back home. Anything to get away from this moment.

  “This is all my fault,” Julie finally said with a frown. “And I take the blame. I deserve your anger. I mean, I can see how bringing Hector out here must have gotten you thinking and what I said back there, talk about a poor choice of words.”

  Belle sniffled, wiping a hand over her eyes.

  “You think I want to leave you for Hector, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” Belle whispered.

  “He’s a great guy, but why would I ever want him when I already have you?”

  The sentiment should have warmed Belle, but she heard herself blurt, “Why would you ever want me?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” Julie countered.

  Belle shrugged.

  “Uh uh,” Julie dismissed with a shake of her head. “You must feel this way for a reason, and I refuse to believe it’s all because of Hector. You two have gotten along just fine all this time.”

  Belle averted her gaze, unsure of how to speak the hateful things she pondered from time to time. Back as a teenager, watching her sister go off to school dances and ask permission for dates on the weekends, Belle always experienced these events as a curious outsider. She struggled with her identity, not accepting until she was about sixteen or seventeen that it was really the question of her sexuality that plagued her. One of her aunts was a lesbian, and there was a very out gay boy in her class—he even wore heels and skirts to school sometimes.

  But where, Belle had wondered, did she fit in?

  Girls her age had swooned over boys or other girls, and they always seemed to be going out or hooking up. Meanwhile, Belle had been content to stay at home tending to the farm, helping her mom garden, or simply whiling away the afternoon lost in the pages of a book.

  “Do you remember when we first met, what I told you?”

  Julie pursed her lips, looking toward the sky. She tapped a finger to her chin. “Yes,” she said. “You told me you’d never been kissed or out on a date. Then after our first few dates, you told me you were confused and unsure of yourself.” A dark cloud temporarily marred Julie’s features. “You told me how you went to your sister to express your concerns and how she reacted.”

  “I never expected her to completely freak out on me,” Belle muttered. “Up until that moment, we shared everything. She tried to tell me that my lack of sexual desire was because I was with a girl instead of a guy and that I should try hooking up with her boyfriend’s best friend. She told me I was wrong.” Belle met Julie’s gaze. “Unlike her, you accepted me.”

  “And why wouldn’t I? Your sister is closeminded.”

  “You helped me understand, you told me there was a word for people like me and that I’m not broken,” recalled Belle. That day was one of her favorites, as it changed the course of her life. It brought Julie into her world and a whole new sense of understanding. She was attracted to the female form, there was no denying that, but to hear someone utter the term asexual, it was like she’d finally received the key to her innermost self. She met Julie’s eyes, searching them.

  “So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can see why Hector might appeal to you. He’s interested in that stuff.”

  Julie’s eyebrows shot up. “You think I want to…” she made a vague gesture with her hand, “with Hector?”

  Belle nodded.

  “Oh, good grief,” Julie uttered. Then she started laughing.

  “What? What’s so funny? Why are you laughing at me?”

  Julie placed a hand on Belle’s leg. She fanned herself, her laughter subsiding. “I’m not laughing at you. It’s the absurd idea of me and Hector. I have never desired a man in my bed and don’t see any reason to start now.”

  “Then why did you ask him to join us?” By now the snow had soaked through her pants and her teeth chattered. Belle shivered, rubbing her arms vigorously.

  Julie got to her feet, offering her hand. “What do you say we get back, put those two away, and finish our talk over hot chocolate and cookies?”

  With a touch of reluctance, Belle relented. “Okay.”

  She allowed Julie to help her up, afraid her legs might give out on her. Without a doubt she’d feel every bump and bruise from her unintended flying lesson, but for now she was too numb. Turning to retrieve the boys, Belle froze. Both Davenport and Pinecone were gone. Her heart jumped into her throat. She practically ran the short distance to the fence, regretting it, holding on to the top rail as another wave of dizziness swept over her.

  Coming up behind her, Julie put a hand on the small of her back. “Where do you think they went?”

  “Back to the barn.” Belle pointed at the tracks following the fence. “They’ll head back to the others.”

  “Maybe I should hold you,” suggested Julie. She left little room for argument, slipping her arm around Belle’s waist. The two headed after the horses, the barn getting closer with each step. There was more Belle wanted to say, but she concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. She trembled like a leaf, wondering how Julie managed to stave off the same level of chill.

  After what felt like an hour but in reality was little more than twenty minutes, they reached the side of the barn. Belle had never been happier to see it.

  “There you two are,” Hector said, strutting in their direction. “Is everything okay? When the horses came back without you I got worried. Are you hurt?” He directed the last part at Belle.

  “My pride has taken a fairly big hit.”

  “Let me get her inside and I’ll come back to help with the horses.”

  Hector smiled sheepishly as his gaze darted back and forth between them. He rubbed the back of his neck, his other hand on his hip. “I, um, well, I was kind of hoping you could help me with something, Julie. You know, the thing.”

  “But—”

  Belle wiggled free of Julie’s hold, stalking toward the door and fighting off a fresh wave of tears. “Do whatever you want to do. I’ll look after myself.” With each step she took, Belle prayed for Julie to run up behind her and insist on holding her hand until she was safely ensconced in the warm house.

  But she walked alone.

  The first tear fell as she hit the porch steps.

  * * * *

  Belle drew a hot bath, soaking her aching body in the pleasantly warm water. She had smiled wistfully upon finding her mom continued to keep a bottle of her favorite bubble bath in the bathroom closet. It was a little thing, but it made her feel loved.

  There was no knock at the door.

  So once Belle dried off she donned her flannel pajamas and wandered around the bedroom picking up her personal items. They hadn’t been there long, so most of her stuff was still packed.

  Belle sat on the bed, zipping the bag closed. If she left around dinner time she’d make it back to the apartment at a late hour. Leaving Julie with Hector would have to wait for morning.

  She was heartbroken and the one place she should have felt secure running to turned out to be the place she was running from.

  Chapter 9

  “I’ve screwed up,” sighed Julie.

  She stood in the snow, having ditched her wet jeans for fleece pajama pants while Belle bathed, and watched Hector wind his way around the pine tree. The sun sank lower toward the horizon and so did her mood along with it. When they returned to the farm, she should have told Hector to wait, she wanted to see after Belle. After all, they were in the middle of a discussion involving Belle’s misconception about her friendship with Hector. And I opted to stay and help him with the horses instead of making sure she’s okay. Way to go. No wonder she thinks you want Hector.

  “You look like you tasted something awful. What’s up?” Hector interrupted her internal self-pity party.

  She handed him the remaining length of the light strand. “Belle thinks I want to spend time with you. Like, in that way.”

  “Oh, wow,” he replied. He finished up the job before speaking again. “I guess we do sort of come off that way sometimes, huh? Maybe I should have declined your invitation to come out.”

  Julie shook her head. “Then none of this would have been possible. I required your help and I’m happy you were willing. Plus, this is an absolutely brilliant idea. She’s going to love it.”

  Hector looked around, the top of his nose cherry red and his cheeks rosier than his hair. “It is nice out here.”

  “Did you know this place has stayed in her family for generations?” Julie pointed out. She went back to the box on the porch and pulled out another strand of lights. She paused, staring at the door. What was Belle doing? Should she go check on her? Julie dithered, torn between finishing the job they’d started and racing into the house to find her girlfriend.

  “Do you think you could live out here?”

  “What?” Julie turned to him.

  He shrugged, hands on his hips. “Think about it. The only reason we’re here is because Sam and Mable rushed to Texas to be there for the birth of their first grandchild. I get the feeling this place,” he gestured at the property, “is going to be coming Belle’s way in the future. So, would you live here?”

  Julie stepped off the porch, giving the house and its surroundings new consideration. Perhaps in the back of her mind she’d known from the first trip out here that it might someday, quite a ways down the road, wind up being home. Could she leave the city behind? With all its lights and nightlife, the convenience of everything close at hand?

 

1 2 3 4 5