Broken: Macy's Story, page 17
“I was going to see if your girlfriend could drop me off in town,” she said, then looked at me.
“Um,” I glanced over at Pedro, who was already placing two hot dogs from the pan onto two slices of bread. “I guess I could.”
His mother stepped outside.
“She’s going to ask you for money,” he said already eating the second hot dog.
I closed the gap between us and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks for talking me through it.”
“Listen,” he said, touching my elbow. “Whatever my mother says take with a grain of salt.”
“Got it.”
Even though I felt worlds better after talking with Pedro, I still felt skittish as I made my way in the darkness to the car. Pedro’s mother might have been a little weird, but I didn’t mind the company. “All right,” I said, giving her a tight-lipped smile and starting the car. “Let’s get out of these creepy woods.”
She shrugged and said, “The worst thing out here is a bear or two.”
I maneuvered the car around the clearing before straightening it out on the two-trail. Pedro stood in the open doorway, waving at me. I waved back. “He’s a good guy,” I said to the woman who had just lit up a cigarette in my grandparents’ car.
She snorted. “Pedro? Is that what he’s calling himself these days? Sure, whatever you say.”
I rolled down the window to circulate the air. “What do you mean? Does he have another name?”
“Turn right,” she said at the road. “Take me to Tillie’s. It’s just off First Street.”
I decided not to press the issue. Besides, what about this woman demonstrated that she could be trusted?
For the rest of the drive, she chain-smoked and I held the steering wheel white-knuckled, thinking about Jake and having to tell my grandparents. Several minutes later, I pulled up in front of Tillie’s and unlocked the door. “Stay safe,” I said.
She opened the door, then acted like she forgot something. “Oh man, I forgot my wallet back at the trailer. Do you have any cash I can borrow?”
“Pedro warned me that you’d ask for cash,” I said, as I dug through my wallet. “I’ve got eighteen bucks.” I took out the cash and handed it to her.
“You think you’ve got me figured out, huh?” she asked, taking the money. “You don’t know anything. You don’t even know your boyfriend’s real name or why we have to hide out in that trashy trailer!” She got out and slammed the door, marching into the bar like she owned the world.
I shook my head, reminding myself not to listen to her. How many times had she walked out on her family? Too many. Besides, I had my own volcano on the brink of explosion. I drove home and talked through how I would tell my grandparents. After Pedro’s encouragement, I wasn’t nearly as scared at the outcome. Still, once I pulled in the driveway, I sprinted through the yard and up the steps and slammed the door behind me, locking it immediately.
Gram and Gramps no longer sat in the living room. I set the keys down on the hallway table and followed the voices to the small kitchen table near the back door. Derek sat there, a plate of leftovers in front of him. He ate while Gramps talked. They both noticed me at the same time.
“How’re you holding up?” I asked, trying not to stare. Derek’s eyes were bloodshot, and he hadn’t shaved in days. His greasy hair and rumpled clothes looked like he’d slept in them.
“I’ve been better,” he said, his voice gravelly like he had cried a thousand tears and had little voice left.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Derek didn’t answer, only stared down at his food.
“We’ll keep Lillian here for a little while longer,” Gramps said, patting Derek’s arm. “But she should see you. She misses you and wonders if it’s her fault.”
“She doesn’t know, does she?” he asked.
“No, she thinks you’re upset about the soda incident,” I answered.
There was a slight glimmer of a smile before it disappeared. “I hurt my little girl,” he whispered fiercely, clenching his jaw and fists like it was nearly impossible to stop the emotion.
“It was an accident,” I said. “Nobody’s perfect, but she still misses you, and she doesn’t understand.”
“She’s all I have left.”
Gramps pushed his chair back. “Should we make up the couch? You’re more than welcome to stay. I don’t know that I want you alone.”
“No, I’m fine. I need to shower and get ready for work. The bills don’t stop because of grief.”
“Let me get Shirley. She’ll want to see you out.”
“Thank you, but don’t bother her,” Derek said, walking out of the kitchen to the front door.
“I’ll never hear the end of it. Please,” Gramps said. “Macy will keep you company.”
Gramps went in the other direction to where their room was. Derek headed for the door. “Tell them thank you,” he said, “But I need to shower and crash.” He grabbed the door knob, turned his head to the right, and paused.
I followed his gaze to Gram’s old, upright piano against the wall.
“Does that work?” he said, his voice choked up again.
“It needs to be tuned. We don’t really play it.”
“Play for me.” He turned all the way around, and I saw the tears leaking from his red, angry, bloodshot eyes. “Play what you did before. Please.”
I glanced upstairs and hoped I didn’t wake Lillian, but Derek looked so horrible, there was no way I could say no. Going over to the piano, I sat on the bench and patted the space beside me. “Come, sit with me.”
Derek slowly nodded, walking the steps to the bench, then sitting on the edge of it. I had to breathe through my mouth, he smelled so strongly of alcohol. Instead, I closed my eyes and felt the keys. I gently fingered the chords and began the melody. I played through, singing a few lyrics that I had recently wrote and was willing to share.
I felt his hand over mine. My eyes shot open, and I pulled my hand to my chest.
“Sorry,” he said, getting up. “I only wanted to see if I could remember the keys.” He moved to the door, opened it and left without another word.
I saw Gram and Gramps in the hallway. “I hope I didn’t bother you.”
“That was beautiful,” Gram said. “Did you compose that?”
“Yeah,” I shrugged. “But it’s not finished or anything. It’s more like I play my feelings at the time, and they sort of turn into a melody.”
“Very talented,” she said. “And it looked like it really moved Derek.”
“About earlier,” Gramps said. “If you’re not comfortable talking about whatever happened, we will respect that. I’m not sure your father’s going to give up as easily, but at least you don’t have to tell us.”
“I need to tell you,” I said, thinking of Pedro’s words. “I want to be free from it.”
“Can we sit down?” Gram asked. She and Gramps moved to the living room where they sat beside each other.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t sit. I started before I lost my nerve. “When Jake first came to our church, I had a really big crush on him. All the girls did. But I started fantasizing about him. A lot. That didn’t stop when he and Hannah started dating and got serious. If anything, my jealousy fueled my fantasies even more. I would sketch his profile, or his eyes, or his lips, it didn’t matter. Any part of him, even parts I hadn’t seen before.” I took a big breath. “I didn’t mean for it to be creepy, but I was young and I had no friends. The only thing I had as an outlet was my music and my art. Mom took away my music, so all I had to express myself were sketchbooks.”
“Seems pretty harmless,” Gram said.
“And it would have been. It wouldn’t have amounted to anything because I had stopped them on my own, but Mom found them and showed all the sketchbooks to Hannah. At least I think that’s what happened. Hannah wouldn’t ever go in my room. Mom does.”
“She what?” Gramps asked.
“Showed the sketchbooks to Hannah,” Gram repeated.
“Why would she do that?” Gramps asked.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It’s bothered me for a long time because I don’t know why Mom would hurt me like that. I could see if she showed Dad privately, and then they talked to me…privately. But there was nothing private about it. Hannah then showed them to Jake. You can only imagine my embarrassment, especially when Hannah started teasing me. And she wouldn’t stop. She told the entire youth group. Even Jake started to tease me.”
Gramps had a scowl on his face. “No wonder you don’t want to go back. Meg and Hannah should be ashamed of themselves. Family always sticks together.”
“Well, that’s not all the story.” I suddenly became very hot and very thirsty. But I pushed through it, as if Pedro stood beside me cheering me on. I pressed my hands to my face, knowing that it was it. My grandparents might kick me out. “After Jake saw the sketchbooks, he started to visit me…at night.”
“Visit you how?” Gram asked, but Gramps’ expression seemed to show his understanding. His eyes widened and his scowl turned to stone.
“He told me he wanted me, not Hannah. And even though I was so angry at him, I was thrilled that this man wanted me and not my sister.”
“How old is he?” Gramps boomed.
“Lower your voice,” Gram scolded him.
“When he first showed up to my room, he was twenty-two,” I answered. “I was eighteen. Nothing illegal.”
Neither one of them said anything for several minutes.
The guilt and shame were eating away at me. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, unable to stop the tears. “Hannah has a right to hate me. And Mom was right about me all along. That’s why it’s good that I’m up here. I have a chance to start over without all of this weighing me down. I’m not the bad guy when I’m here.”
“So?” Gramps asked. “He knocked on the door, and you answered? Or you sent a secretive note or text? I’m not following how he got to your room in the first place.”
“I didn’t invite him,” I said. “Not at first. He just showed up.”
Gramps and Gram went completely still.
“After he saw the sketchbooks, he must have took that as an invitation. Once he was in the room though, I didn’t necessarily want him to leave.”
“And your father doesn’t know?” Gramps voice had turned to steel.
“No, but Mom does. She caught Jake leaving the first night he visited me. She thought I lured him there and told me not to tell Dad because it would break his heart.”
“So, your mother knows that a grown man snuck into your room, and she told you that it was basically your fault and to keep it a secret?” Gramps had not lowered his voice. He stood up and stormed down the hall. “I’m calling your father.”
“Gramps, please!” I pleaded. “He’ll never forgive me!”
“Forgive you? You didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I LET HIM IN!” I yelled, raking my fingers through my hair in frustration. “I kept my door unlocked for months! It’s my fault. I could have said no. I should have said no. But I didn’t. I’m the villain.”
“You were a young lady that a grown man took advantage of,” Gramps said through clenched teeth. “And your father deserves to know.” He slammed the door to his office, and I started to sob.
This was it. The moment I dreaded. The moment my father would stop talking to me. The moment he’d see that everything Mom said about me had been true.
“Macy,” Gram said gently. “Look at me.”
“It’s all my fault,” I said. “If I hadn’t obsessed about him, or if I would have told him no, but I didn’t. I wanted him.”
“Is that why you stole the alcohol and drank it in Hannah’s car?”
“Yes. I was so confused. He’d treat me like garbage in public, only to sneak into my room at night. I didn’t know what to do. Then with Mom and Hannah hating me, I…I needed an escape. And then one day, he was done. He ended it after…” I paused, humiliated.
“After what?”
“After I gave him what he wanted,” I was barely audible. “It was only the one time, and after it happened, he ended it. I didn’t know what to do because I thought I gave him what he wanted. So, I stole the schnapps and got drunk because it took away the pain.” I looked up at Gram to see tears travelling down her face. “I’m sorry that I’m not the person you thought I was. But I’m trying to be.”
Gram shook her head fiercely. “I am crying not because I’m disappointed in you, but because my granddaughter has had to live with this heartache and shame for all this time, and I had no idea. I am crying because a conniving man preyed upon you and took something that wasn’t his to take, and somehow you feel it’s your fault.” She hugged my tightly. Then she began to pray. Gram not only prayed for me, but for Derek and Lillian and Pedro and even Hannah.
As she prayed for peace and healing, I cried into her shoulder, and even though I had questions about everything I’d ever been taught, I hoped the prayers worked.
Chapter 18~
Tell It Like It Is
The hot water beat down on me until my skin turned pruney, and even then I refused to turn it off. The nightmare had come back, which surprised me. Not because I hadn’t expected it but because I hadn’t realized I slept. Most of the night, I lay on the couch, staring into the darkness, fretting over every possible scenario with Dad. He told Gramps he’d leave first thing in the morning, which meant there was no escaping the truth now.
And it was about to cause a tidal wave.
A part of me wanted to believe what others had told me. That I was the victim of a man who took advantage of my volatile emotions and vulnerability. But I remember the first night he visited. Sure, I had freaked out, but I had also been thrilled. After our first kiss, I remember wanting more. Since he hadn’t been ready to go public, I satisfied myself with our nightly visits. And as far as going all the way? I said yes. It had only been two months ago. Had he pushed me to finally let him have his way? I knew the answer was yes, but I also knew I wanted to be a woman, and I thought if I gave him what he wanted, that we could stop hiding in the dark.
So, I said yes. Knowing it would hurt my sister. Knowing I could never go back.
Gram had mentioned before she went to bed that if Jake was so innocent, why was I so scared?
As I stood in the shower, I finally admitted to myself the answer. “I’m scared of the truth,” I said to the wall. I didn’t want Jake in my life anymore, but I didn’t trust myself to resist him. I didn’t trust myself to do the right thing. If he snuck into my room again…If he kissed me again…If he did those things to me…could I push him away?
Then again, I had resisted him in the car. That was a good sign. Maybe the more I was away from him, the stronger I became.
Just the same, I hoped to never see him again.
Someone knocked on the door. “I got to go potty,” Lillian said.
Sighing, I turned off the water and dried off, wrapping a towel around my head, then throwing on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Gramps told me not to go to work this morning, but to wait for Dad. At least there was a small bright side: I could stay in my sweats. I opened the door. “All yours, little missy.”
Lillian was hopping then scooted inside the bathroom. “Whew! It’s hot in here. Look at all this fog.”
“It’s steam from the shower.” I shut the door to give her privacy. “I’ll be downstairs getting you breakfast,” I said before heading down the stairs.
I walked into the kitchen and poured some coffee.
As I drank, Gram asked, “Did you sleep okay?”
“Not at all. Let’s just say that I’m missing my bed,” I said, leaving out the nightmare and anxiety part.
“We have other places to sleep than just the couch.”
“I know, but it’s just easier to grab a blanket and crash on the first available surface.”
Lillian came into the kitchen and hugged my legs. “I don’t want to go to school.”
“That’s because you don’t have breakfast in your tummy,” I said, pouring a bowl of cereal.
Someone knocked on the front door. Gram went to open it while I watched Lillian sit at the table and eat.
Derek walked into the kitchen and gave me a slight wave. I noticed he hadn’t shaved, and his eyes were still a little blood shot, but he at least looked clean. Lillian eventually noticed her dad standing there and jumped up in excitement. “DADDY!”
He knelt down and hugged her fiercely. “Hey there, baby girl.”
“Where were you?” she cried.
“I had to go visit some people. I’m sorry I worried you.”
“Don’t leave me again.”
“Didn’t you have fun with Macy?”
“Yes, but I missed you.”
“Well, I’m back. I have to go to work now, but we’ll be together after school. Okay?”
“You’ll pick me up at latchkey?”
“For sure. Take the bus this morning ‘cause Daddy’s running late, but after school, I’ll pick you up just like I always do. Then maybe we’ll stop and get a slushee. But you have to be good.”
“We can buy a slushee for Macy too!”
Derek glanced up at me. “We owe her a lot more than a slushee, but that’s a good place to start.”
“I will never say no to a Coca-Cola slushee,” I said. “But we need to get you on the bus.”
“And I’ve got to get to work,” Derek said. To me, he said, “Will you let Mr. Elmsworth know that I thought about it, and yes, we can have the memorial service in the church?”
“Of course,” I said.
“We’ll take care of everything,” Gram said gently.
“Um, and her parents will be here this evening,” he whispered. “So, if Lillian can eat dinner over here?”
Gram and I exchanged a quick look. I knew it rubbed her the wrong way that Derek kept Lillian from her grandparents.
“It’s just better this way,” he said, as if understanding our exchange.
“For who?” Gram said just as gently.
“Come on,” I said to Lillian. “Let’s go catch that bus!”
