Black Ties and Lullabies, page 29
Jeremy stopped short, feeling an instantaneous shot of jealousy. The guy was maybe in his late thirties. Tall. Not bad looking. And Bernie seemed extraordinarily happy to see him. It was one thing for Max and Carlos to appreciate how great Bernie looked. He had control over their behavior. But this guy… who the hell was he?
Jeremy continued through the crowd and came up beside Bernie.
“Jeremy!” Bernie said. “Where have you been? You have to meet Kyle.”
No, I don’t.
The guy gave Jeremy a big smile and stuck out his hand. “Kyle Davenport.”
Jeremy shook his hand. Nice to meet you. Now go away.
“Kyle was a classmate of mine at TSU,” Bernie said. “He and I lived in the same dorm.”
Kyle turned away from Jeremy as if he wasn’t even there, focusing on Bernie again, giving her an appreciative smile. “It’s so good to see you again. I barely recognized you. You look great.”
“Thanks,” she said, beaming. “So do you.”
“Oh!” Kyle said. “Do you remember the day in microbiology class when Dr. Perez caught her hair on fire?”
Bernie laughed. “How could I forget?”
And then they were laughing in stereo, and for some reason, that irritated the hell out of Jeremy.
“Gee,” he said. “Sounds hilarious.”
Bernie turned to him. “Dr. Perez leaned over to look into a microscope. She didn’t know the Bunsen burner was so close, and when she stood up, her hair was on fire.”
Kyle chuckled. “She couldn’t figure out why Bernie was smacking her on the head with a spiral notebook.”
Yeah. That’s hilarious, all right. I bet you’ve got a million of them. Feel free to take them somewhere else.
But no. They kept talking. He had to hear reminiscences about everything from stuck quarters in a dorm washing machine to a mixer their freshman year where a guy got so drunk he shoved his own mattress out a third-story window.
Jeremy heard somebody call his name. He turned to see the president of the university standing behind him, talking to a couple of other donors.
“Can you join us for a moment?” he said.
Jeremy held up his finger, then turned to Bernie. “The president wants to speak to me.”
“Go ahead,” she said. “I’m fine.”
No. That wasn’t the response he was looking for. He was looking for something more along the lines of “Bye bye, Kyle” as she followed him over to meet the president.
“Don’t worry,” Kyle said with that irritatingly cheerful smile. “I’ll take good care of her. We have plenty of catching up to do.”
A sharp spark of jealousy tightened every muscle in Jeremy’s body, but he wasn’t about to let it show. He just nodded as if it was fine with him and joined the president’s group. For the next ten minutes, he was forced to listen to endless chatter about the university’s plans to build a new facility to house the school of business. What Jeremy really wanted to do was grab Bernie, take her home, and drag her straight to bed, and by the time the night was over, he’d make absolutely sure she couldn’t even remember that guy’s name.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kyle reach into his wallet and pull out a couple of business cards. He handed them to Bernie. She stuck one in her evening bag. Then she flipped the other one over, wrote something on it, and handed it back to Kyle.
Okay. That was it. Enough was enough.
Just as he was extricating himself from the conversation with the president, Kyle gave Bernie another hug and walked away. Jeremy came up beside Bernie, and she looped her hand around his arm.
“That Kyle is sure a friendly guy, isn’t he?” Jeremy said.
“Yeah. He is.”
“Did you date in college?”
“No. We were just friends.”
“I didn’t see a ring.”
“He was divorced a few years ago.”
Big red flag.
“He gave you his card,” Jeremy said.
“Yeah. We’re going for coffee on Thursday to catch up a little more.”
Jeremy nearly choked. Coffee? Coffee? Didn’t she know that was a male code word for I want to get naked with you?
Maybe she did know.
In that moment, Jeremy realized the awful truth. He had no hold on Bernie. None at all. He might be the father of her babies, but her life was her own, and she’d always made it very clear that she intended to live it any way she wanted to.
The question was, where did he fit in?
He imagined what might happen after she met that guy for coffee. They might start to date. Get engaged. Get married. Pretty soon Jeremy would be nothing more than that weekend guy, the one who picked up the kids on Friday, endured the glare of her husband, tried too hard with the kids and spoiled the hell out of them, then returned them on Sunday. He’d be the odd man out. Biological father, but not really essential in the day-to-day lives of his children, and virtually nonexistent in Bernie’s eyes. And for the rest of his life, he’d be forced to imagine another man making love to her, and that was absolutely intolerable.
With other women, it had always been about the conquest. Once he had sex with them, the need he felt for them disappeared. But making love to Bernie had only sharpened his desire. That confused him. Unnerved him. Made him feel as if his emotions weren’t his own anymore. Bernie was holding them now, and every smile she directed at another man felt like a knife straight to his heart, as if the time they spent together and the closeness they’d shared meant nothing to her.
By the time they left the university half an hour later, Jeremy’s nerves were in a knot. Once they were in the limo, Bernie kicked off her shoes with a satisfied sigh. He looked at her feet and was shocked.
“Red nail polish?” he said.
“Lawanda did it. She put the light frost on my fingernails, but she said I needed red on my toenails even if it didn’t show. She said I’d feel like a wild woman just knowing it was there.”
“Do you?”
“What?”
“Feel like a wild woman?”
She laughed. “Yeah. I kinda do.” She slid down in the seat and turned a little, crossing her arms and resting her cheek against the leather seat, her laughter fading to a soft smile. “Thank you so much for inviting me tonight. I had such a wonderful time.”
Every word she spoke only irritated him more. The Bernie he knew was supposed to gag at red nail polish and feel insecure at a formal event. This Bernie looked beautiful and chatted with other men and felt like a wild woman.
Bernie’s smile faded. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing’s the matter.”
“You’re frowning.”
“I’ve had a long day.”
“How was your flight from Atlanta?”
“Fine.”
“Did your meetings go okay?”
“I told you everything’s fine,” Jeremy said, even though things were about as far from fine as he could imagine. “I’m just ready to get home. Get out of this tux. Like I said, it’s been a long day.”
Ten minutes later, the limo pulled up to Jeremy’s house. Carlos and Max left. Jeremy and Bernie went into the kitchen. She put her purse down onto the breakfast room table, and he pulled her into his arms for a kiss.
“Thanks for a wonderful evening,” she said.
“It’s not over yet,” Jeremy said. “Stay with me tonight.”
Bernie smiled. “Okay. But I have to be out of here at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning.”
Jeremy frowned. “Why?”
“The guys are coming over to help me paint the nursery.”
Jeremy came to attention. “That room was just painted.”
“I know. But not in baby colors.”
“Your friends don’t need to do that. Just pick out a paint color and send one of the crews in. They’ll take care of it.”
“Come on, Jeremy. It’s no fun if professionals do it. And they cost a lot of money. All the guys cost is a couple of boxes of doughnuts.”
As Jeremy imagined the whole group of them at Bernie’s apartment, the strangest feeling welled up inside him. She was going to be living it up with her friends, painting a nursery for his children, and where would he be?
At home by himself.
“Go ahead,” he said with an offhand shrug. “Do whatever you want to.” What else could he say?
Bernie’s probing stare came back again. “Okay. You’ve been acting weird ever since we left the university. What’s up?”
All the way home, the what-ifs had piled up inside Jeremy’s mind, and now he was on the verge of exploding with them. Bernie thought her choices were nonexistent where men were concerned, but she was dead wrong. There were hundreds of other men in this world she could have, and once she figured that out, Jeremy had no doubt she’d want to make up for lost time and try a few of them out. Pretty soon one of them would stick—maybe even Kyle after that cup of coffee—and he’d be out in the cold. And she had friends—old friends, close friends, friends who put together baby cribs and painted nurseries. And she had a mother who loved her. In light of all that, he could see only one way for him to fit into her life that would ensure he didn’t get sidelined and eventually shoved out of the way altogether. And that was to offer her something no woman in her right mind could possibly turn down.
He took off his coat and draped it over the back of a chair, then turned to face Bernie. “I have a proposition for you.”
She smiled and moved closer, draping her arms around his neck. “I’m listening.”
“I think,” he said, “that we should get married.”
Chapter 29
Bernie had never felt so flabbergasted in her life. She dropped her arms and backed away from Jeremy. “What did you say?”
“I think we should get married,” Jeremy said.
After she got over the first few seconds of total astonishment, part of her wanted to throw her arms around his neck again and tell him that yes, of course she’d marry him. After all, hadn’t she thought about it dozens of times since they’d made love three nights ago? Fantasized that he’d suddenly fall in love with her, they’d get married, and live happily ever after?
But even as she entertained those thoughts, she knew fantasies were dangerous things, and they sure as hell couldn’t be wished into reality. Things had been good between them, but a marriage proposal right now just didn’t fit the whole picture.
“I’m not sure I heard you right,” Bernie said. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided it’s the logical thing to do.”
“Logical?”
“You say you don’t think you’ll ever get married. It’s not in the cards for me, either. We have two babies to raise. Doing it in one household will make it easier.”
“Let me see if I have this straight,” she said. “You want to marry me because it makes things easier for you?”
“For both of us.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Is it really?” he said, pulling his tie from around his neck and tossing it on the table. “We get along well, don’t we?”
“Yeah, but—”
“You liked living here, right?”
“Of course I did. But—”
“You’ll have everything you’ll ever want or need, and so will our children.” He took a few steps toward her. “Think about it, Bernie. Think of the advantages of being married to a man like me.”
She didn’t doubt that. But this didn’t feel like a marriage proposal. It felt like he was negotiating a merger, and that made her very uneasy. As unsentimental as she was, she assumed if a proposal ever came, it would be accompanied by a ring and at least a small mention of how he felt about her. But that wasn’t what he was offering.
Not even close.
“I can only imagine the prenup you’d want me to sign,” she said. “Is there enough paper on the planet to put that one together?”
“That’s a necessity. Otherwise you could divorce me in a month and take half of everything I have. What kind of idiot would run headlong into a marriage under those circumstances?”
“What kind of idiot would run headlong into marriage under any circumstances?”
“If it’s the right thing to do, time changes nothing.”
“No. I told you. This is crazy.”
“I explained why it makes sense.”
“Great. Why don’t you draw up a business plan for that little venture and give me a call?”
“We’re both practical people. So why are you surprised that I’m being practical?”
“I don’t get it. If all you want is for me and the babies to stay here, we don’t have to get married to make that happen.”
“Yeah? You say you can’t ever see yourself getting married, but what if you do? Where does that leave me? As that guy who gets his kids on the weekends? I have no intention of letting another man have more control over my children than I do.”
All at once, light dawned, and Bernie understood what was really at the heart of this. “Okay. Now I get it. It’s a matter of control. You need to get over that, Jeremy.”
“I have nothing to get over.”
“Please. I’ve never seen any man so determined to get what he wants no matter what the cost. You want to run my life. You want to run the babies’ lives. But it can’t always be about what you want.”
“You’ll be getting plenty of what you want, too.”
“Like what?”
“Like a beautiful place to live. Everything you and your children could ever want. You can work only if you want to. What woman wouldn’t want those things?”
“And where do I sleep?” she asked.
For the first time, he seemed a little flustered. “Wherever you want to.”
“How about in another man’s bed?”
He frowned. “Another man’s bed? When you’re married to me?”
“But it’s not a real marriage you’re offering me, is it?”
“What I’m offering you is the best of everything. Can’t you see that? For you, for our children—”
“I’m not interested.”
“Good God, Bernie!” he said, flinging his palms out. “I offer you the whole universe, and you won’t marry me? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I deserve more than that.”
“More than the goddamned universe?”
“It’s always about money to you, isn’t it?” she said. “You think if you throw enough of it at somebody, they’re yours to command. I know you don’t believe this, but there really are some things money won’t buy.”
“Will you stop being so damned self-righteous? You’re acting as if money isn’t important to you. That’s bullshit. You need my money, and you need it badly.”
“And you’re praying I’ll take it, because you have nothing else to give.”
Jeremy slowly lifted his chin, his eyes narrowing. In the years Bernie had known him, she’d never seen him truly angry. Irritated, maybe. Frustrated, yes. But she’d never seen the fury on his face that she was looking at right now.
“Try crawling out of the cesspool I was raised in and see how that changes the way you look at things,” he said hotly. “I worked my ass off for the life I have, and I’m not going to apologize for living it.”
“Yes. You have an incredible life. Exactly the kind of life a helpless, desperately unhappy kid dreams of.”
His brows drew together. “What are you talking about?”
“When you speak, people listen. Nobody tells you no. You have every toy you’ve ever wanted. You built a castle filled with pretty stuff on a piece of property that looks like Disney World. You drive dream cars, fly fast jets, and keep company with beautiful blond princesses who answer your every whim. And you keep doing more and building more because it’s all you know to do, waiting for the day when it finally becomes enough and happiness arrives.”
He glared at her. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
She took a step closer to him, her throat tight with emotion. She tilted her head to catch his gaze, but he averted his eyes. “You’ve never loved anyone, have you? Not even when you were a child.” Tears welled up in her eyes, and her voice fell to a plaintive whisper. “Nobody was there to show you how.”
“I don’t need this,” he said, a warning tone creeping into his voice.
“So now you’ve gotten to a place where you put money and casual sex where real relationships should be, and you can’t understand why you’re still miserable.”
“Bernie—”
“And the women. God, Jeremy. That only makes things worse. You can’t keep people at arm’s length all these years and not have it take a toll on you.”
“I told you to stop.”
“You’re going to have the babies now. You have a shot at something good and real and lasting with them. You can be the father with them your father wasn’t with you. But I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. I’m afraid if you don’t let your guard down and focus on what’s important and learn to love them—”
“Will you just leave me the hell alone?”
His shout echoed through the kitchen. Bernie recoiled, shocked at his sudden outburst. But the agonizing silence that followed was worse. In spite of his anger, her heart was bleeding for him. She knew deep down he was a good, compassionate man, but until he saw himself that way, he was always going to be trapped in a terrible cycle of reaching for happiness in all the wrong ways. And the last thing she needed to do was get trapped in it with him.
“I know that because of where you come from, marriage doesn’t mean anything to you,” she said. “But it means everything to me. Given my situation, my chance of getting struck by lightning is probably greater than my chance of finding another man who wants to marry me. But I’ll tell you this. If it ever happens, it’ll be for real. He’ll be a good, kind, dependable man who will love me forever. That’s when I’ll get married, Jeremy. And not until.”
