Devil Inside, page 17
What’s worse is that she could feel the blood loss beginning to take effect. She felt sick to her stomach and light headed. She could feel the pull on her heart and it slammed against her throat causing the blood to pump out even faster. She could hear Levi sucking at her neck trying to keep up with the flow. Despite his efforts she could feel blood spilling down her shoulder and onto her chest in a warm trickle. Her vision had become blurry and she couldn’t focus on anything. She had been staring at the hardwood floor this whole time but it had become a brown blur. She struggled not to cry. This is for Jamie, this is for Jamie she began a mantra in her head. It distracted her from the pain. But not from the nausea that threatened to overwhelm her and her breathing became more erratic and her flickering vision told her that her eyes were rolling back in her head.
Suddenly, a warm hand gripping hers broke through her agony. Levi hadn’t broken his hold on her neck, but he had reached out and grabbed her hand. Almost without her control her hand gripped his back. She felt her breathing slowing and at first thought that it was because he had calmed her down. But as she felt her heart flopping like a dying fish her fear picked up again. This is what it feels like to die she realized. I’m dying.
Despair broke through the pain and sickness. She didn’t think she was going to be able to hold on long enough and Levi was going too far. She was dying and she couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t find the strength to push Levi away as she felt her heartbeat weaken more and more with each beat. Her vision began to darken from the outside in, creating a tunneling effect. Nya’s face, blurred and indistinct, suddenly appeared in the pinpricks of sight that she still had left. It looked like her mouth was moving but Harley’s ears had stopped working. She felt an immense weight bearing down on her body as the darkness pulled her down into the waiting void. Maybe I’ll see Jamie…
Chapter 13
Being dead wasn’t like Harley had expected. There weren’t any white lights or people greeting her. And no Jamie. Instead, there was just nothingness. It was like floating in water that was body temperature—only without any eyes, ears or the need to breathe. She was just a consciousness—a mind existing. She didn’t feel any panic about her situation—she was beyond panic and worry. This isn’t so bad she thought. It might get kind of old after a while though…I wonder if this is purgatory and if she could have, she would have laughed over the silliness of that idea.
Harley had never been the religious type and hadn’t given much thought to what would happen after she died. Even when Jamie had died she hadn’t given it much thought. Not having ever been religious she hadn’t worried about what was after death—it was unavoidable and whatever would happen would happen. Slowly, a bruised raw feeling began aching where her heart used to be. Harley realized that it was sadness melting around her and she was surprised that she could still feel sadness not having a body any longer. Only now the pain of Jamie’s loss was accompanied by disappointment and guilt. She felt that she had disappointed everyone—Jamie, Levi, Nya even. She had hoped to become a warrior. Everyone had thought she was so strong, but she wasn’t after all. Apparently, she was just as average as she thought she had always thought she was.
Suddenly, from the darkness Harley heard a sound. It sounded like music coming from far away. It was too far away, she couldn’t pick out the melody or even distinct notes. Even from far away and as faint as it was, it was causing a strange sensation to echo through her. She could feel the music more than she could actually hear it and as it drew closer and seemed to vibrate within her very being. As the sound grew stronger and stronger it began to tear at her nerves. It was like a buzzing in her ears that threw off her equilibrium, only it was in her soul and made her feel as if she was going to burst apart into millions of particles. She lost any and all sense of herself and she felt like the sound was drowning out her existence. Each deep chime reverberated through her with increasing intensity. She knew that if she still had been able she would be screaming.
Harley tried to block the music out but it was in vain. The music wasn’t coming through her ears; the sound was coming from all around her. The unrelenting sound was driving her madder with each passing second. She didn’t know how much longer she would be able to stand the music before it broke apart her mind. In one last desperate attempt to hold onto her sanity, her mind found a reason to the madness. Nya had said that she used sound to open the space between the worlds. Is that what this is? Harley fought to find a rational thought. Even the tiniest seed of explanation as to the origin of the sound gave her strength to continue to withstand the noise.
Suddenly, she her attention was pulled from the violent music when without warning the darkness moved around her. Like ripples in water the darkness shifted. It wasn’t just something dark colored moving within the darkness—it was the darkness itself that moved. Harley hadn’t even been aware that she could still see—or maybe her eyesight had just come back like her hearing. Nothing made sense in this black, black world of nothing. Harley didn’t like it. She tried to move but realized that she had no way to do so. She was still just a mind—a brain—experiencing what was happening around her.
The moving darkness crept closer and closer to Harley. She felt it more than saw it as it drew nearer to her. Every fiber of her being shouted at her to run—to get away even though she knew it wasn’t possible. The music still vibrated in her soul with painful urgency and it seemed louder now than ever. The darkness was a cold draft that was creeping closer and closer to her causing the cold tingle that would have been the hair standing up on her arms had she still had a body. Finally, the icy breath of darkness was upon her, pressing against her from all sides. Harley was unable to move beyond its reach. It felt like being buried beneath ice or snow. She continued to struggle against the weight with everything she had. Is this hell? She knew that she wasn’t a perfect person, but she would have never thought she deserved to go to hell. And I didn’t think hell would be so cold…
The music was more distinct now but Harley still couldn’t distinguish a recognizable tune. It was just toneless sounds droning into her brain now. She imagined that this is what it would feel like stuck inside an immense bell tower at high noon. The sounds drowned out every thought except the pressure of the darkness. She was helpless against the oppressive black void surrounding her. Breaking through the sound, a new consciousness materialized. Like something from a horror movie, Harley heard the voice whisper inside her head. Let me in. The voice was dry, ageless and while it was barely more than a whisper, Harley got the impression that it was female. Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. It beat at her mind in time with the sounds. If she had hands left she would be clawing at her head trying to get the sound and the voice out. She knew that the voice came from the darkness itself and she struggled in terror and despair trying to escape.
There was no use—she couldn’t escape the sound or the pressure of the darkness. She fought to regain sense of what was happening. The sound was key—Nya had said she used sound. Harley tried to put the pieces together. Harley found herself on the edge of sanity and she was ready to jump—just to make it all end. As Harley’s resistance broke she stopped fighting and she found that when she didn’t resist the sound and the pressure were more bearable. She finally accepted that the only way to make the music and the voice stop was to give in—give the voice what it wanted. Suddenly, she knew that was what she was supposed to do. I’m not dead after all! Is this the bond! Harley’s disoriented brain began putting the pieces together. If she wanted to escape she would have to let the darkness in. She struggled to relax against the icy pressure that surrounded her but her instincts still struggled against the pressure. Little by little she convinced herself to relax and give in and as she did so, she could feel the darkness fill her. The cold emptiness started in the center of her body and spread through the rest of her.
It seemed like ages before the pressure stopped and the darkness filled Harley completely. Every second of the process was agony. The blood in her veins seemed to turn to ice and her organs froze. The coldness burned worse than fire. It was the coldness that made Harley realize that she had never lost her body. She had simply lost control and awareness over it. If she had completely lost her body she would never be able to hurt this much. She had been stuck inside her brain—somewhere inside a deep unconsciousness. When the pressure finally faded, so did the sound. As the music stopped she found she was no longer floating; instead she was falling and could do nothing to stop it. Her body burned with cold as she fell faster and faster. Suddenly, it felt like she had fallen through a sheet of ice to land back inside of herself and she knew she was in her body again because she could feel the bed beneath her. Also, she could feel the warmth of the room that contrasted with the coldness she had been floating in for so long. The warm air brushed across her skin without melting any of the frigidity away. She could hear talking in the room around her and she knew that she should recognize the voices, but her brain couldn’t lock onto them. Her brain had frozen along with the rest of her, and her thoughts were still sluggish and ineffective.
Harley tried to focus on what was going on around her. She tried to feel her body beyond the burning cold pain but failed in both tasks. She didn’t know how long she lay there in frozen catatonia but when she wasn’t able to stand it any longer she retreated inside the darkness of her mind again. She simply stopped trying to regain control over the dead weight of her body. She backed away from the physical pain and sought the glorious nothingness inside her head. She didn’t fly away from her body this time—instead, she just crawled inside it. And she quickly realized she wasn’t alone inside her head anymore. The darkness that had bore down on her with the music was now inside her head. Like a memory just beyond reach, the darkness was there. It was coiled inside her mind and even though she knew she had asked for this, she was still alarmed by this intrusion.
Harley knew that she should be afraid of this thing inside her head, but she also knew that it couldn’t hurt her. She felt the presence as an invasion inside her mind. The darkness raced through her searching for a way out. Harley sensed that it wanted control over her body as much as she did and it pressed against her will and writhed to be free of the block that Harley had erected to keep it out. Her heart quickened with alarm but through that alarm Harley felt anger as well. She refused to give in and let the darkness take over. You don’t get to take over, Harley shouted inside her head. Then why did you come here? The voice whispered back. Harley felt her anger flare at the words. She had to admit that the voice was right. She had chosen this. She just had not anticipated how much of her it would cost to allow the darkness inside. She was sure that if she gave in that she would lose herself to this creature—she was sure that Harley would cease to exist and be sucked into the black void of her own mind. The presence was so real, so big, inside her mind that she couldn’t believe that it would ever just be a subconscious part of her.
When she felt ready to try again Harley clawed her way out of her head a second time. From deep within her mind she made her way back towards her frozen body. She fought hard to regain control over her limbs again—but it was futile. Her body was still a dead weight. Her body was just an empty shell waiting. As Harley lay there she felt the darkness pushing against her. It had lost some of its strength once she had let it in—it seemed as disoriented as she was. It was now just a baby pushing against its mother’s ribs. But Harley knew that the darkness’ weakness wouldn’t last. It was growing stronger by the minute and in turn the nudges she felt in the darkest corners of her mind were growing stronger. She pushed back against it unable to let it push its way through.
Thus was the pattern that emerged. The Darkness would push against Harley’s mind and she would push back. Sometimes there were voices in the room with her, other times she was surrounded by silence. Sometimes she felt like she was on her back and then with the effort of the struggle she would find herself facedown, barely able to breathe. Physically, her body was being buffeted about by the struggle as much as her mind was. She didn’t know how much time had passed. But the darkness was so strong she knew she wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer.
____________________
Harley felt herself screaming in frustration and was surprised to realize that the sound had burst from her body as well. But her excitement at regaining a shred of control over her body was short lived because she heard the angry cry die off in an inhuman growl. If she could, she would have wept. This battle had been going on for far too long and she was amazed that she continued to hold out. Harley couldn’t believe that she hadn’t lost her mind or her will power already. Her hopes had been raised by having been able to make a sound for the first time in what seemed like ages, but the darkness had equaled her victory. Every time she felt like she took a step forward, the darkness stepped forward with her as well. Harley wasn’t able to extricate her mind from the shadow that stalked her. Surges of fear and anger tore through her body.
Suddenly, a warm hand interrupted the coldness of Harley’s face. Someone had placed their hand on her forehead. It burned soothingly. It reminded her of the rare times as a child that someone had cared enough to test her temperature by hand. She tried to remember if her mother had ever done this, but could not recall. Her exhaustion and frustration and despair shuddered through her. The struggle had taken its toll on her and she wanted to let go—so badly. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. The one thing that she had always had was herself and letting go went against every self-preservation instinct she had. Even as she tried to tell herself to stop fighting her will rebelled. Her body instinctively refused to let go.
A burst of bright light stabbed itself into her eye. It took a moment for her eye to adjust to the harsh glare. She must have been unconscious even longer than she realized. Her eyes burned as if they had never seen light before. She felt a hot tear slide from her eye, down her cheek and into her ear. Behind the light a warm dark face materialized. Nya. She struggled to speak to Nya. She tried to cry out to her, to ask her for help. But she couldn’t voluntarily make sounds.
Nya’s intense face was normally softened by a mischievous smile. But now it was twisted with concern. Her brows were knit together and her lips were pursed creating faint lines around her mouth. Harley knew that Nya had forced her other eye open when the painful, blinding light stabbed through her head again. She realized that for the first time, in what seemed like years, she couldn’t feel the darkness trying to beat its way through her defenses. She could feel it shrinking back from the light and the momentary reprieve was a moment of bliss. Nya took her hands away from Harley’s face and leaned back. Harley found that her eyes stayed open.
“You must stop fighting,” Nya spoke softly. “I know that it feels like if you let go you will never find your way back. But that is not true. The darkness is a part of you now. It is no longer an either/or situation.”
Harley felt another tear spill from her eye as they slowly closed.
----------------------------
OK. I can do this. She let out an imaginary breath. She could feel the darkness waiting. It knew what she had decided. It knew because it was her now and knew what she knew. She had to get used to that idea now—get used to not being alone any longer. She slowly forced herself to relax and steadied herself against the pressure that she had fought against for so long. Painfully, slowly she focused on not pushing back against the pressure of the darkness. She pictured it as a door that she had been using her body to hold closed. First, she imagined relaxing her shoulders against the door. Even the tiny bit of relaxation she had found brought an immense relief followed by a trickle of coldness that she found startling. It wasn’t just cold. It was a jagged, lightning strike of iciness that shot through her. Immediately, she slammed her weight back into the metaphorical door involuntarily. She stopped anymore from coming in, but the sliver of darkness embedded itself in her consciousness as Harley struggled to remain calm. It wasn’t altogether unpleasant. But it was startling and alien and would take her some time to come to terms with this new presence.
It was a long and slow process, but Harley found herself able to let a little more of the darkness inside the door little by little. Now that it knew that she was going to stop fighting, the darkness stopped its aggressive assault on her psyche. She could feel its impatience, but it resisted its natural urge to take what it wanted and instead waited for her to relax. Harley was amazed by the connection she felt with the Nocte when she stopped fighting it. That’s what the darkness was—the darkness was the Nocte itself. The more she let it in, the more that she began to understand what was happening. And the Nocte seemed to understand her better with time as well. It stopped fighting her and patiently waited for her to accept it because it knew that it would never be able to get in if she chose not to let it. Eventually, they both would languish and die if they didn’t come to an accord—this was clear to them both.
_____________________
Eventually, Harley realized that she would have to let go and just open the door completely. As she finally found the strength to relax and trust the darkness she felt the door begin to crumble away. The bonding process ended with unexpected uneventfulness. With the internal struggle that had gone on and on she figured there would be some sort of fireworks or something when it was done. However, quite the contrary, Harley knew that the bonding was complete when everything went still. The physical and mental silence was as shocking and disorienting as it would be if someone suddenly muted a wild, heavy metal concert.
