SERIES ONE

  Play Three

  www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com

  THE

  ARMCHAIR

  DETECTIVE

  and the

  Celebrity

  Stalker

  Ian Shimwell

  The Armchair Detective and the Celebrity Stalker Copyright Ian Shimwell © 2011

  ALSO AVAILABLE IN SERIES ONE:

  The Armchair Detective

  The Armchair Detective and the Manor-House Mystery

  The Armchair Detective On Holiday

  The Armchair Detective and the Psychological Secret

  The Armchair Detective’s Last Ever Case

  Contents

  Cast List

  Act One

  Act Two

  Act Three

  CAST LIST

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  SALLY-ANNE

  EDITOR LAW

  DARNIA STORM

  DONNY DAVIES

  VIVIEN VELVET

  BEN

  DIRECTOR

  ACT ONE

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  (There is a knock on the front door.)

  OLD TOM: Do come in, young man, the door is open.

  (We hear TRENCH enter the flat and settle down opposite OLD TOM.)

  TRENCH: You’ve just made yourself a cup of tea, Old Tom – it’s steaming.

  OLD TOM: Yes, it will be quite a while before it’s cold enough to drink.

  TRENCH: And it’s been quite a while since all that business at the Manor-House.

  OLD TOM: That was a particularly absorbing mystery and there is nothing, young Trench that I find more absorbing than an absorbing mystery. So, what particular story at the Stokeham Herald can I unleash my investigative mind on today?

  TRENCH: Err, that stunning glamour model-turned-actress, Darnia Storm is appearing in a Play all next week at the Stokeham Empire.

  OLD TOM: (Sounds bored all of a sudden.) And how can I help you with that?

  TRENCH: Does there always have to be some sort of case to solve? Can’t I come here just to simply see you? Is that a crime?

  OLD TOM: My time here, Trench is very valuable. I will not waste a minute of it on idle chatter or on a so-called celebrity who can’t even act.

  TRENCH: I’m sorry to have troubled you then. I don’t think I’ll bother coming here again.

  OLD TOM: It is probably best you don’t. I am not here just to talk, only to help.

  TRENCH: Well, Old Tom, from now on I’ll try to report my stories without your help.

  OLD TOM: Good for you, Trenchy.

  TRENCH: I’ll be off then.

  OLD TOM: Goodbye.

  TRENCH: And I’ll never come back, unless I become really stuck, of course.

  OLD TOM: (Who chuckles softly.) Of course.

  (We hear TRENCH leave the old man.)

  (Music moves on the time and scene.)

  (We hear TRENCH shuffling his papers about on his desk and tut-tutting.)

  SALLY-ANNE What is wrong with you, Trench?

  TRENCH: Nothing, why should anything be wrong?

  SALLY-ANNE You’ve been making a nuisance of yourself all afternoon. You’ve been quite remote, awkward, ignorant, grumbling to yourself and generally making the office look untidy. Come to think of it, Trenchy – you are actually just being your usual self.

  TRENCH: (Says slowly with a heavy hint of sarcasm:) Hah, hah – very funny, Sally-Anne.

  SALLY-ANNE: You nearly managed something half-resembling a smile then. Congratulations

  TRENCH: If you must know, me and Old Tom are finished.

  SALLY-ANNE: I didn’t know you were going out together!

  TRENCH: Will you let me know when you’ve taken your funny head off, and then we can have a proper conversation?

  SALLY-ANNE: Sorry, I know how fond you are of your cosy little chats with Old Thomas. What’s happened, had a lover’s tiff or something? Oops, at it again.

  TRENCH: Right that’s it, Sally-Anne – I’m not telling you now.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh come on, Trench. Really, have you had a disagreement?

  TRENCH: He virtually threw me out of his damned Mayflower flat. He complained that I wasn’t there to discuss a new story or case. Obviously it’s a problem to have an innocent chat with an old friend.

  SALLY-ANNE: Tom may be old, Trench – but isn’t he really more of a new friend?

  TRENCH: Oh, you know what I mean.

  SALLY-ANNE: Do you want me to go and have a talk with him?

  TRENCH: No. Old Tom doesn’t seem to like strangers or visitors of any kind in fact.

  SALLY-ANNE: Including you at the moment.

  TRENCH: Except when I have some sort of baffling mystery to solve, then Old Tom’s all ears.

  SALLY-ANNE: So it’s simple then – we just need a story with an intriguing puzzle to bring you two love-birds back together. I must stop that.

  (The door creaks open further and busy footsteps are heard.)

  TRENCH: Ah, Editor Law – what can we do for you?

  EDITOR LAW: Playing nicely children? Yes..? Well in that case, may I introduce you to, Miss Darnia Storm.

  (We hear intakes of breath as the sound of DARNIA’s stilleutoes are heard entering the office.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Close your mouth, Trench. Electric fly-traps are all that’s necessary for this building.

  TRENCH: Stunning, truly beautiful…

  DARNIA: I beg your pardon.

  TRENCH: I mean Storm, Miss Storm – truly a beautiful name.

  DARNIA: Oh call me Darnia please, darling – all my friends do.

  EDITOR LAW: This is Trench and his colleague Sally-Anne.

  SALLY-ANNE: Excuse me Editor Law, but I won’t have that. Trench is my colleague, not… Ooh, how nice – who is that gorgeous, err gentleman behind you, dear?

  DARNIA: Oh, that’s just Ben Brown. He’s my bodyguard.

  EDITOR LAW: Right, now that all the introductions are over with, I think it’s time we got down to business.

  DARNIA: Yes, I assume this is the show business department of the Paper?

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m afraid not, Darnia. The Stokeham Herald doesn’t exactly stretch to having a show…

  EDITOR LAW: … a showstopper section – that’s what we call it. Although unlike your profession Miss Storm, there are no stars here.

  TRENCH: Speak for yourself, boss.

  (DARNIA laughs.)

  EDITOR LAW: But we all like to muck in anyway. And yes, this is the section of my esteemed newspaper that handles all the showbiz gossip; I mean show business related items.

  DARNIA: I’m satisfied, so I’ll ‘cut to the chase’ – as I said in a B movie that I’m not terribly proud of.

  (TRENCH sniggers.)

  DARNIA: I have come here for your help. I am being… stalked – and I want you to expose the psycho that’s bothering me.

  SALLY-ANNE: Shouldn’t you be going to the police about this, or at least a private detective?

  DARNIA: Dear girl, the police would basically mean going public and my experience with private-eyes in the past has proved them unreliable.

  SALLY-ANNE: Journalists aren’t exactly known for their discretion, you know.

  DARNIA: Which brings me to the deal. In return for keeping quiet and discovering the identity of my sick stalker, you have my promise of an exclusive on this story – and my amazing life so far. Well, what do you say?

  EDITOR LAW: They agree to your deal, Miss Storm – unreservedly. This could be the making of this Paper.

  DARNIA: What is your reaction, Trench?

  TRENCH: I’ll have to stalk, I mean follow you around. I’ll need to stalk, sorry talk to you further; watch you when you are performing – in fact become part of your life to achieve what you are asking for.

  DARNIA: I will look forward to it. I am appearing all next week in ‘Model Murder’ at your Stokeham Empire theatre. And what about you, Sally-Anne?

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh, I’ll need your bodyguard, Ben’s number – purely for the sake of the investigation of course.

  BEN: I will be protecting my mistress – and I am the best bodyguard outside Chicago, so I am not easily distracted.

  SALLY-ANNE: Err, if you say so.

  DARNIA: So, my dear Sally-Anne – if you want Ben, you’ll have to go through me first.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who clears her throat.) I’ll bear that in mind.

  DARNIA: Your Editor Law here has the details of where you can find me. Goodbye my two friends – for now.

  EDITOR LAW: I’ll see you out.

  (We hear them leave.)

  TRENCH: Well, what do you make of that, Sally-Anne?

  SALLY-ANNE: I think she was coming on to both of us!

  TRENCH: Yes, I have a feeling that this case will be very, very interesting. And do you know what’s going to be even better?

  SALLY-ANNE: What?

  TRENCH: It looks like I’m going to have an excuse to visit Old Tom again after all.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Says in a withering tone:) Oh, Trench.

  (Music with a comedic touch, followed by a tune with an air of seduction changes scene.)

  (There is a careful knock on the door.)

  DARNIA: Who’s there?

  TRENCH: It’s me Trench, Darnia. The hotel receptionist should have said I was coming up.

  DARNIA: I know, with everything that is happening at the moment, I was just making sure.

  (We hear DARNIA remove a couple of chains; withdraw a bolt; unlock the door and eventually open it.)

  DARNIA: Drink Trench? Like me, my mini-bar is very accommodating.

  TRENCH: Why don’t you surprise me, dear Darnia?

  DARNIA: I like surprising people. You’re looking very smart, by the way.

  TRENCH: But not as, dare I say it, as sensationally sexy as you. That revealing skirt certainly shows off your shapely legs to their full potential. Wait a second, can you stop me? Or I’ll need a cold shower.

  (We hear DARNIA finish with the mini-bar.)

  DARNIA: Will a champagne spritzer calm you down?

  TRENCH: I’m not sure, but I’m prepared to give it a try.

  DARNIA: Cheers.

  (They clink their glasses together and start drinking.)

  TRENCH: Mm excellent Darnia. Bubbly but sharp.

  DARNIA: A bit like me, then. Where’s the lovely Sally-Anne?

  TRENCH: Indisposed, I’m afraid.

  DARNIA: Shame. I was looking forward to meeting her in my hotel bedroom…

  TRENCH: (His voice slightly high.) Do you realise that your hand is rubbing my thigh?

  DARNIA: Of course I do, Trench. But my hand is only moving gently, ever so gently…

  TRENCH: Before we get carried away, I thought you wanted to talk about your so-called stalker.

  (The caressing suddenly stops.)

  DARNIA: You know how to bring a girl down to earth, I’ll give you that.

  TRENCH: Sorry.

  DARNIA: We might as well sit down in the adjoining suite.

  (They move to the next room and sit down on a sumptuous sofa.)

  TRENCH: Now this is a sofa you could sink in.

  DARNIA: Quite. Well, unfortunately there is nothing so-called about the thing that stalks me. He is as real as you or I.

  TRENCH: You know he is a he then?

  DARNIA: Most of my fans are male. They are more than aware of my glamorous model days. Although I do have a strong female following too.

  TRENCH: So, the stalker could be male or female. I’m glad we’ve sorted that out!

  DARNIA: Don’t make fun of me. I’m liable to pounce on anybody that makes fun of me.

  TRENCH: According to the tabloid newspapers, you’re liable to pounce on anybody full stop – causing a storm wherever you go.

  DARNIA: Yes darling, they seem to like playing around with my surname.

  TRENCH: Right. Family and friends, where are they Darnia?

  DARNIA: My parents and real friends are still in my native Sweden.

  TRENCH: We can virtually cross them off our suspect list then. Silly question but, any lovers?

  DARNIA: Yes, and frequently. But I’m not going to mention them, besides there is nobody serious because I’m serious about love, but not seriously in love.

  TRENCH: All right, I can always check the tabloids for this weeks’ rumours and gossip. So let’s list the people closer to home to you right now.

  DARNIA: Well there’s my manager, Donny Davies who is also staying at this hotel, helping me to promote my Play. Oh, and I suppose the entire cast of ‘Model Murder’.

  TRENCH: And your bodyguard Ben – where is he, by the way?

  DARNIA: Ben? Oh yes, Sally-Anne liked him. He is only employed to protect me outside of the hotel – and of the theatre.

  TRENCH: And the stalker himself. What has he – or she – actually done to you so far?

  DARNIA: Come Trench, I’ll show you…

  (Thoughtful music changes scene and time.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, that’s the dodgy double-glazing story wrapped. Trenchy, and how did you fare with the flirtatious Miss Storm?

  TRENCH: Investigations are continuing…

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ll be blunt then – did she seduce you or not? This time you’ve been more careful about the lipstick marks. I can’t find a trace…

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne, don’t examine me too closely – I may kiss you instead.

  SALLY-ANNE: In that case, I’ll sit behind my desk like a good girl.

  (We hear her do just that.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well?

  TRENCH: I’m going to confine my revelations to the story.

  SALLY-ANNE: That means you probably didn’t get together then.

  TRENCH: She wanted to though.

  SALLY-ANNE: Big head.

  TRENCH: Darnia is irresistible and yet I resisted her. Now, why did I do that?

  SALLY-ANNE: You decided to exercise that virtually extinct quality in our profession: journalistic integrity.

  TRENCH: Something like that. Sexy Miss Storm did enquire after you though, Sally. She was most upset that you weren’t there with me…

  SALLY-ANNE: Don’t start that again, Trench. She’s behaving more and more like her football wife character from that dreadful television series, ‘Sporting Spouses’.

  TRENCH: Yes, glam model turned actress. She also featured in a few dodgy horror films which generally involve her screaming in skimpy outfits, that I err happened to watch – a bit.

  SALLY-ANNE: And onto that TV series before landing a role in a theatrical tour which starts here.

  TRENCH: I wonder why it didn’t begin in the West End? Most Plays do.

  SALLY-ANNE: They probably demanded a bit of actual acting – and that’s something dear Darnia Storm isn’t very good at.

  TRENCH: After the threats I saw, her next part may be, ‘The Victim’.

  SALLY-ANNE: But who’s playing the title-role of, ‘The Stalker’..?

  (Thoughtful music with a kind of sensationalism ends the scene.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man – the door is open.

  TRENCH: I might have known.

  (We hear TRENCH enter the flat and OLD TOM’s living room.)

  TRENCH: It’s all right, Old Tom – there’s no need to get up from that beloved armchair of yours.

  OLD TOM: You know me better than that.

  TRENCH: So, are we still friends?

  OLD TOM: Our relationship has not changed, if that’s what you mean. All you require to realise is that our time together is very precious – so don’t waste it.

  TRENCH: Agreed.

  OLD TOM: Right, as you can see young Trench, I have some stale cake left over and there is more cold tea in the pot, so would you like..?

  TRENCH: ‘A cup of tea an’ slice o ’cake’? Yes, yes I would. Wait a minute, why are you being so nice to me? How do you know I’m not here for another meaningless chat and therefore wasting your time?

  OLD TOM: I have greater respect for your intelligence than that, Trench. While you’re pouring the tea, tell me what’s on your mind…

  (A brief interlude of music passes some time.)

  OLD TOM: So, how fascinating - and challenging: to discover the mystery stalker of stage star, Darnia Storm.

  TRENCH: Challenging?

  OLD TOM: Well yes, in theory the anonymous antagonist could be virtually anyone in the country – but first let’s concentrate on the people close to Miss Storm.

  TRENCH: All we have so far then is: her dedicated bodyguard, Ben Brown; her manager – a Donny Davies whom I haven’t met yet who is, incidentally, staying in the same hotel; the cast of ‘Model Murder’; an ex-lover – I’ve heard there’s plenty of them, or a fan who’s perhaps become too fanatic?

  OLD TOM: Or an elaborate publicity stunt by madam Darnia herself. The ‘keep the stalker secret’ promise she made you keep could be a clever double-bluff.

  TRENCH: So, is this all a ‘storm in a teacup’ or is it something more serious?

  OLD TOM: Those threatening letters – all from newspaper cuttings.

  (We hear OLD TOM click his fingers.)

  TRENCH: Yes, here – have another look.

  (We hear OLD TOM study the letters.)

  OLD TOM: ‘I’m watching you’. ‘I can smell you’. ‘Your next performance will be your last’. ‘You must seek greater protection’. ‘I am your death’.

  TRENCH: Yes, it sounds serious and rather disturbing. So, Old Tom, what do you think?

  OLD TOM: I think a storm is brewing…

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  ACT TWO

  SALLY-ANNE: Well Trench, have you two kissed and made up?

  TRENCH: You mean me and Old Tom, yes. Hey, what do you mean ‘kissed and… Sally-Anne, you’re teasing me again.

  SALLY-ANNE: All right then, did the old mucker shed any light on this stalker story then?

 

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