What the Taliban Told Me, page 26
“I think in order to be thankful for the things that made you who you are, you have to be happy with who you are.”
“Aren’t you?”
“I… Sometimes. But not usually, no.”
“Oh. Why not?”
“Fuck, man, I don’t know.”
It’s not that I’m necessarily unhappy with who I am, though that is sometimes, and sometimes even more than sometimes, the case. I’m not as suggestable, though. I have firmly held beliefs, things that I’ve decided are True. I’ll listen to others’ opinions about these things, but I’m not all that likely to change what I know. I spent so long not knowing what was true, and trying to forget what I eventually did know, that I’m not willing to risk my reality anymore.
So when I said “I don’t know” to my friend, it was the truth. I didn’t have a good answer as to why I’m not happy with who I am, in part, I think, because answering that question would run the risk of expanding my reality. But I suspect that realities are like the universe, constantly expanding, and so I’ve begun to wonder: If I’m right, and that in order to be thankful for certain experiences that made you who you are, you have to be happy with who you are, then it follows that you have to know who you are (I suppose it’s possible to be “happy” without any self-awareness, but I don’t believe that ignorance is in fact bliss). And maybe, more than simple unhappiness, more than the routine malaise, more than even clinical depression, this is my problem. I have these titles I can fall back on, things like physician, and scientist, and writer, and so on and so forth, but I don’t feel that any of these things are definitional. They don’t provide me with form, or substance. They don’t tell me who I am.
Only the Taliban could do that.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TO THOSE WHO TAUGHT ME how to write, in chronological order: Diane Ellis, Tara Diercks, Tara Gallagher, Jerry Mathis, Maura Spiegel, Pip Lipkin, Gaetan Sgro, Peter Trachtenberg.
To my agents, Frank Weimann and Claudia Cross; my editor at Simon & Schuster, Robert Messenger; my editor at the Atlantic, Brendan Vaughan; and to Kevin Maurer for telling Frank to find me.
I can’t list all the names of the men and women I worked alongside in the Air Force, for reasons of both brevity and security, but thank you to all of my language instructors, everyone I flew with, and to the myriad DSOs and TSOs who taught me about work and, more importantly, life. To all the Pashto DSOs, I hope you can recognize yourselves in the text. FTJ.
To Karen, for supporting me through the writing process, and reading so very many drafts of dubious quality. To Taylor, for the memories. And to all of my friends, whether we’ve spoken in the last few days, or in the last ten years. e.e. I am not, but I will always carry all of you in my heart.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
© WOHLER & CO.
IAN FRITZ was an airborne cryptologic linguist in the United States Air Force from 2008 to 2013. He became a physician after completing his enlistment.
Now, he writes.
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www.SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Ian-Fritz
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NOTES
LISTEN
“translate intelligence communications or data”: UAF Recruiting Quincy MA, August 20, 2020. https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=596647881212645.
“a lot of the things we do”: Ibid.
FLYING, OR THE VALLEY OF DEATH
Each Griffin is $127,233: “AGM-176 Griffin,” Wikipedia, August 25, 2022. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AGM-176_Griffin.
twelve of the fourteen Medals of Honor: “N2kl,” Wikipedia, August 21, 2021. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/N2KL.
the Taliban’s preferred method of communication: Ben Makuch, “Why the Taliban and Criminal Organizations Have Gone Low Tech,” VICE, November 14, 2017. https://www.vice.com/en/article/evb87z/why-the-taliban-and-criminal-organizations-have-gone-low-tech.
biggest battle since Vietnam: James Clark, “5 Incredible Firefight Photos from One of Afghanistan’s Deadliest Provinces,” Task & Purpose, September 13, 2016. https://taskandpurpose.com/history/5-incredible-firefight-photos-one-afghanistans-deadliest-provinces/.
“develop observable, achievable, and reasonable measures”: CJCSI 3162.02, Methodology for Combat Assessment (Joint Staff, Washington, D.C., March 8, 2019), B-2. https://www.jcs.mil/Portals/36/Documents/Doctrine/training/jts/cjcsi_3162_02.pdf?ver=2019-03-13-092459-350.
BEFORE, OR HOW TO BECOME A LINGUIST
“measures developed abilities and helps predict”: ASVAB, March 26, 2021. https://www.officialasvab.com/.
SAPIR-WHORF, OR NEXT TO MY HEART
differentiate between shades of blue: Jonathan Winawer, Nathan Witthoft, Michael C. Frank, Lisa Wu, Alex R. Wade, and Lera Boroditsky, “Russian Blues Reveal Effects of Language on Color Discrimination,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 104, no. 19 (2007): 7780–85. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.0701644104.
turning left or right: “Guugu Yimithirr Language,” Wikipedia, June 10, 2022. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guugu_Yimithirr_language.
a billion-dollar spy plane: “British Air Force Gets RC-135 Rivet Joint Surveillance Plane,” Stars and Stripes, September 4, 2015. https://www.stripes.com/news/british-air-force-gets-rc-135-rivet-joint-surveillance-plane-1.366430.
spent a quarter million dollars: Thomas Manacapilli, Carl F. Matthies, Louis W. Miller, Paul Howe, P. J. Perez, Chaitra M. Hardison, H. G. Massey, Jerald Greenberg, Christopher Beighley, and Carra S. Sims, “Reducing Attrition in Selected Air Force Training Pipelines” (Santa Monica, RAND Corporation, February 2, 2012), 27. https://www.rand.org/pubs/technical_reports/TR955.html.
“a person who uses unlawful violence”: “Terrorist,” New Oxford American Dictionary, 3rd ed., accessed February 23, 2023. https://www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/acref/9780195392883.001.0001/m_en_us1297922?rskey=ijRRkg&result=85611.
BULLSHIT, OR YOU’LL ONLY DIE TIRED
“so lacking in originality”: “Banal,” Encyclopedia.com, September 18, 2022. https://www.encyclopedia.com/literature-and-arts/language-linguistics-and-literary-terms/english-vocabulary-d/banal.
“up to a month”: Mark Memmott, “At Scene of Battle in Afghanistan, IEDs ‘Are Everywhere,’ ” NPR, February 14, 2010. https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2010/02/at_scene_of_battle_in_afghanis.html.
“bleeding ulcer” by General Stanley McChrystal: Jeff Muskus, “McChrystal: Marjah a ‘Bleeding Ulcer’ in Afghan Campaign,” HuffPost, May 25, 2011. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mcchrystal-marjah-bleeding-ulcer_n_587949.
reported the incident to higher-ups: Anna Mulrine, “Sexual Assault in the Military: What Happens When the Victim Is a Man?,” Christian Science Monitor, May 5, 2014. https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Military/2014/0505/Sexual-assault-in-the-military-What-happens-when-the-victim-is-a-man.
HOME, OR YOU LOOK LIKE MORE OF A MAN
All night I lay on my pillow: The National, “Baby We’ll Be Fine,” Val Jester Music, 2005.
“Process intelligence information in an airborne environment”: AFSC 1A8X2, Airborne Intelligence, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance (ISR) Operator Specialty Career Field Education and Training Plan (Washington, D.C., Department of the Air Force, 2020), 9. https://static.e-publishing.af.mil/production/1/af_a2_6/publication/cfetp1a8x2/cfetp1a8x2.pdf.
KANDAHAR, OR LISTENING TO AFGHANS
“the mere fact that a combatant”: “Practice Relating to Rule 47. Attacks against Persons Hors De Combat,” Customary IHL, accessed September 13, 2022. https://ihl-databases.icrc.org/customary-ihl/eng/docs/v2_rul_rule47_sectionb.
can be considered a violation of: Ibid.
FEAR, OR YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN
primarily used as an anti-aircraft weapon: Sebastien Roblin, “How a Deadly Russian World War II .50 Caliber Machine Gun Blasted Its Mark into History,” National Interest, November 10, 2018. https://nationalinterest.org/blog/buzz/how-deadly-russian-world-war-ii-50-caliber-machine-gun-blasted-its-mark-history-35762.
without the billions of dollars: Evan Koslof, “VERIFY: No, the U.S. Government Did Not Directly Fund the Taliban as Claimed Online,” wusa9.com, August 17, 2021. https://www.wusa9.com/article/news/verify/no-the-us-government-did-not-directly-fund-the-taliban-fact-check-afghanistan-cia-reagan-carter/65-fa07d053-aa77-4998-ad13-950bc6dc007e.
somewhere around six a day: Spencer Ackerman, “Petraeus’ Commando Raids Killed Lots of Taliban. So?,” Wired, July 19, 2011. https://www.wired.com/2011/07/commando-killed-taliban-so/.
ANGER, OR YOU CAN’T KILL AN IDEA
“I don’t want to be threatening”: Hanif Abdurraqib, The Crown Ain’t Worth Much (Minneapolis, MN: Button Poetry, 2016), 9.
“We checked with the legal team”: Fintan O’Toole, “The Lie of Nation Building,” New York Review of Books, October 11, 2021. https://www.nybooks.com/articles/2021/10/07/afghanistan-lie-nation-building/.
“not a war”: Matthew C. Brand, General McChrystal’s Strategic Assessment Evaluating the Operating Environment in Afghanistan in the Summer of 2009 (Alabama: Air University Air Force Research Institute, 2011), 2–3. https://media.defense.gov/2017/Jun/19/2001765050/-1/-1/0/AP_BRAND_MCCHRYSTALS_ASSESSMENT.PDF.
“the conventional sense”: Julian Borger, “The Afghanistan Papers Review: Superb Exposé of a War Built on Lies,” Guardian, September 5, 2021. https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/sep/05/the-afghanistan-papers-review-craig-whitlock-washington-post.
“You’re never going to eradicate that.”: Elisabeth Bumiller, “Soldier, Thinker, Hunter, Spy: Drawing a Bead on Al Qaeda,” New York Times, September 3, 2011. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/04/world/04vickers.html.
INFINITY, OR WHAT I WISH I HADN’T HEARD
“Moral injury is the damage”: “What Is Moral Injury,” The Moral Injury Project, accessed September 13, 2022. https://moralinjuryproject.syr.edu/about-moral-injury/.
“cognitive combat intimacy”: Eyal Press, “The Wounds of the Drone Warrior,” New York Times, June 13, 2018. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/13/magazine/veterans-ptsd-drone-warrior-wounds.html.
“strong affection for another”: “Love,” definition and meaning, Merriam-Webster, accessed September 13, 2022. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love.
“There is but one truly serious”: Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus (New York: Vintage Books, 2018), 3.
it was a survival skill: Jonathan Shay, Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Character (New York: Scribner, 2003), 175.
“when a man has seen so many”: Erich Maria Remarque, All Quiet on the Western Front (New York: Little, Brown and Company, 1929), 187.
TINNITUS, OR YOU SEEM FINE NOW
nightmared us for so long: Brian Turner, Here, Bullet (Farmington, ME: Alice James Books, 2005), 56.
“the truth does not instruct”: Tim O’Brien, The Things They Carried (New York: Penguin, 2009), 65.
12 percent of Americans: “The First Measured Century: Book: Section 11.9,” Public Broadcasting Service, accessed September 13, 2022. https://www.pbs.org/fmc/book/11government9.htm.
only 7 percent of the population: Katherine Schaeffer, “The Changing Face of America’s Veteran Population,” Pew Research Center, April 5, 2021. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/04/05/the-changing-face-of-americas-veteran-population/.
REAPING, OR FUCK ’EM
killed at least 170 people: Jim Garamone, “U.S. Central Command Releases Report on August Abbey Gate Attack,” U.S. Department of Defense, February 4, 2022. https://www.defense.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/2924398/us-central-command-releases-report-on-august-abbey-gate-attack/.
entitled “The Other Afghan Women”: Anand Gopal, “The Other Afghan Women,” New Yorker, September 6, 2021. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/09/13/the-other-afghan-women.
quiet that pervaded the countryside: Jim Huylebroek, “This Is Life in Rural Afghanistan After the Taliban Takeover,” New York Times, September 15, 2021. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/15/world/Afghanistan-rural-life-under-Taliban.html.
the Taliban reclaimed Afghanistan: Ruhullah Khapalwak and Carlotta Gull, “20-Year U.S. War Ending as It Began, with Taliban Ruling Afghanistan,” New York Times, August 29, 2021. https://www.nytimes.com/live/2021/08/15/world/taliban-afghanistan-news.
Whatever delusions existed about: Mike Jason, “What We Got Wrong in Afghanistan,” Atlantic, August 12, 2021. https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/08/how-america-failed-afghanistan/619740/.
how long it might take: Gordon Lubold and Yaroslav Trofimov, “WSJ News Exclusive | Afghan Government Could Collapse Six Months After U.S. Withdrawal, New Intelligence Assessment Says,” Wall Street Journal, June 23, 2021. https://www.wsj.com/articles/afghan-government-could-collapse-six-months-after-u-s-withdrawal-new-intelligence-assessment-says-11624466743.
AFTER, OR YOU CAN’T UNKILL THEM
the routine malaise: Grizzly Bear, “Two Weeks,” Warp Records, 2009.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Fritz, Ian, 1990– author.
Title: What the Taliban told me / Ian Fritz.
Description: First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition. | New York : Simon and Schuster, 2023. | “This book grew from the essay ‘What I Learned While Eavesdropping on the Taliban,’ first published in the Atlantic. Portions of the essay are reproduced throughout the book.”
Identifiers: LCCN 2023010727 (print) | LCCN 2023010728 (ebook) | ISBN 9781668010693 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781668010679 (paperback) | ISBN 9781668010686 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Fritz, Ian, 1990– | Operation Enduring Freedom, 2001—Personal narratives, American. | United States. United States. Air Force—Biography. | Military linguists—Afghanistan—Biography. | Afghan War, 2001–2021—Aerial operations, American. | Special operations (Military science)—United States—History—21st century. | United States. Air Force. Intelligence Squadron, 25th—Biography. | Taliban.
Classification: LCC DS371.413 .F75 2023 (print) | LCC DS371.413 (ebook) | DDC 958.104/7480973 [B]—dc23/eng/20230425
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023010727
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023010728
ISBN 978-1-6680-1069-3
ISBN 978-1-6680-1068-6 (ebook)
Ian Fritz, What the Taliban Told Me
