Something Blue, page 19
Her chest ached at the realization.
Beth stared down at the tulle in her hands, the fine weave of the fabric blurring into a watery abstract.
“Oh, Beth.” Her sister’s voice came from a distance, someplace far, far away.
Her mind raced and her heart hurt.
She fell for Sawyer long before she fell into bed with him, but the truth was, she didn’t know him at all.
He’d been bent on ruining everything from the very beginning, and she’d been sleeping with the enemy.
Sawyer texted her right before he came over. We need to talk was all the text said.
He had to know that she knew. He had to realize that, after Garrett, Shelby would’ve come straight to Beth with what had happened.
With the truth.
“I know you’ve probably already talked to Shelby,” he said as she opened the back door. “But just hear me out.”
She didn’t want to hear him out.
She wanted to scream and cry. How could he? How could he ruin something so great with his suspicions and insecurity?
And she didn’t mean the wedding.
But she let him in.
“You can come in,” she said with ice in her voice. “But keep your voice down. We have guests at the inn and you’ve done enough damage. I don’t need you causing a scene and upsetting guests.”
“I have good reasons for what I did with Shelby,” he said, his voice low and even.
She hated that he still had that kind of control over himself. “I don’t care about your reasons and I don’t want to hear them.”
“What?” He sounded generally confused that she didn’t care what he had to say.
Beth pointed her finger. “You heard me. Nothing justifies spying on your brother’s fiancée and my dearest friend.”
“I saw her out with Clay Reynolds long before I ever thought to have her looked into.”
“So?”
“So, I didn’t hire someone to check up on her because I’m some paranoid jerk. I had every reason to be suspicious. Eating out at restaurants together, cavorting around a ranch together. What was I supposed to think?”
“That the woman your brother loves is innocent until proven guilty. You’re not supposed to think the worst of her.”
“I tried,” he insisted. “I asked her about it, and she lied, making up stories I know weren’t true, about shopping with her mom. I was well within my right mind to find it suspicious.”
“You weren’t within your rights to have her stalked. The girl was taking riding lessons, for crying out loud. As a gift for your brother.”
“Then why didn’t she tell me the truth when I asked her weeks ago?”
“Because it was supposed to be a surprise. And it’s not like she’s not going to run around advertising she can’t ride to you, the king of horses.” Beth bit off the last few words with more than a little attitude.
Sawyer flinched and blinked at the venom in her tone.
“She fell when she was a kid and she’s been terrified of horses ever since. Then she goes and falls in love with a guy who grew up on a horse ranch and loves to ride. She’s always been embarrassed about her fear and inability. So why would she ever confide in you?” Her voice was getting louder, but she didn’t care. “You’ve done nothing but push her away since you found out they were engaged. What reason would she have to trust you with a secret?”
Her anger and indignance boiled up and spilled over, and she let it spill. “And here’s something that might be new to you: It’s none of your business. Shelby doesn’t answer to you. She doesn’t owe you anything. She’s not the one who cheated on you.”
“That is not fair.”
“It’s the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. You can’t punish her or any other woman who comes into your life for the actions of someone else.”
“I don’t trust her.”
“It’s not just that, Sawyer. You didn’t trust me. I told you she was a good person and there’d be no way she’d cheat on your brother. You should’ve believed me, trusted in me and my judgment and my word, even if you can’t trust anyone else.”
A deep line creased Sawyer’s brow as he frowned. “I don’t understand why you’re being like this. I tried to do the right thing. Why are you so mad at me?”
“Because you hurt me,” she snapped, her voice wobbling at the end. “You didn’t just hurt my friend, you hurt me too.”
“I…” Panic filled his brown eyes. “I didn’t mean to. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do.”
“But you did.”
“I…I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t make it all go away.” She shook her head so hard her hair whipped against her face. “You saw what you wanted to see, because you refuse to trust anyone, including me. And if you can’t trust me, then you don’t need to be with me.”
“Beth, please.” He stepped toward her, but she moved away.
“There’s nothing else to say. I think you should go.” She crossed her arms and swallowed the knot in her throat, fighting against the tears.
“I don’t want to—”
“Go, Sawyer.” She ground out the words. “I don’t want you here.”
Chapter 19
The next day, Sawyer attempted to get back to work and focus on business, but every effort failed.
Garrett had told Uncle Joe and Lina about what he’d done. They’d all avoided him yesterday and had given him the silent treatment all day today.
He threw himself into manual labor to cope. After he checked on Amber, he started shoveling straw in the stables. It was work normally left for the hired help, but he needed something to do.
His mind was a wreck, and the only way to make it stop chewing on his fight with Beth was to exhaust himself physically.
He backed his truck up to the stable and lowered the gate. The back was stacked high with bales wrapped in twine. He took off his outer shirt and put on his oldest boots, which stayed in the truck.
One by one, he tossed bales off the back of the truck. A huge pile took up the entrance of the stable when he was done.
It wasn’t the most efficient way to work, but he didn’t even care. If he worked himself to death today, all the better. He deserved to ache in every bone and muscle the way he ached inside.
“If you can’t trust me, then you don’t need to be with me.”
Beth’s words echoed in his mind and around the stable.
“I don’t want you here.”
He picked up two bales and walked them all the way down to the farthest stall, dropping them outside the stall gate.
“Hey, Winston.” He patted the old fella who peeked out at the noise. “Just me out here working.” He stroked the horse and Winston nuzzled toward his face. “Me and my guilt, I guess. But you still like me, don’t you, Winston?”
Horses were a lot easier than people.
Feed them, give them water, treat them right and consistently so, and always operate under the same expectations and consequences, and there were no problems.
People, on the other hand? Expectations differed wildly, and changed on any given day, as did the consequences.
He went back for more bales, walking them two by two down the corridor.
Like the consequences of a well-meaning, well-intended inquiry into a future sister-in-law.
He would’ve understood if Garrett and Shelby, and Joe, were a bit upset, and even gave him a tongue-lashing for butting in. It would’ve stood to reason if Uncle Joe had a come-to-Jesus meeting with the two brothers and sorted things out.
But this?
Iced out of his family, his brother not wanting him in his life at all right now, and Beth…Well, she was gone.
He’d lost her.
Over this!
Sawyer cursed under his breath and went back for more bales. Sure, he could’ve gotten a wheelbarrow, or any number of tools to make the task easier, but he didn’t need easier.
Right now, he needed grueling, punishing work.
He needed something to hurt physically the way he hurt mentally because he didn’t understand.
How had he ended up the bad guy in all of this? How had he pushed his brother so far, and driven Beth away?
He kept moving the hay to each stall until his shoulders ached. Once done, he took off his gloves and got a swig of water from his thermos. With his forearm, he swiped the sweat from his brow, then arched his back in a long stretch, letting out a disgruntled groan.
Winston popped his head out again, and this time Dolly, one of the mares, did the same.
“Sorry, guys. Just me. Being mad at the world. It’s okay.”
After he downed about half the thermos, he searched for one of the large forks to start pitching the hay.
The best one was leaned up against the wall by Winston, so he started at that end, cutting the twine with the Swiss Army knife from his back pocket and opening the stall to get Winston to back up in the stall.
“Easy does it, buddy. Just some fresh bedding hay to keep things comfy around here.”
Looked like Winston had taken care of some business as well, so Sawyer cleaned that up first, before forking in the fresh hay.
He chuckled at the work, thinking he’d have to do this in every single stall today, and he didn’t mind. Typically, this was done for him, with him only occasionally doing grunt work.
He wasn’t above it, but it simply wasn’t in his usual rotation anymore. He’d served his time throughout childhood and his teen years, up until his early twenties. After that, he’d moved on to managing the broader operations of the ranch, being molded and shaped to take over someday.
Getting back to the basics, the day-to-day, wasn’t a bad thing at all.
In life, sometimes you needed to shovel a little stink to remember who you were.
And he was Sawyer Silva, a stand-up, genuine guy, who said what he meant and meant what he said.
He stuck the pitchfork into the ground and put his hand on top of the handle.
So why in the world hadn’t he just been honest with Beth about seeing Shelby out with Clay? Why hadn’t he just taken his brother to lunch and told him why he was worried?
Why hadn’t he pulled Shelby aside and talked to her about seeing her in that diner outside of Carson, or at the ranch that day?
He imagined talking to the girl in confidence.
“Hey, I saw you with Clay Reynolds. It’s just the two of us talking here, so what’s going on? It looks suspicious as all get-out, and I want to understand, because I’m trusting you’ve got a good reason to fib about it in front of my brother.”
How differently would things have gone? Would she have told him then about her childhood fall? That she was terrified of horses? Would she have then asked Sawyer for help?
If Shelby wanted to learn to ride, he could’ve taught her. He was a heck of a lot better than Clay.
So why hadn’t she come to him?
Sawyer pitched the other bale around Winston’s stall and talked to him before leaving. “I guess I’m not always the most approachable guy in the world. I’ll give her that. But Clay?”
He shook his head.
He felt bad for Shelby, for her fear of his favorite creature. He wouldn’t wish a bad fall on anyone, but he hadn’t known.
Had he known, he would’ve helped.
Instead, he’d been against her.
He moved on to Dolly’s stall next, cutting the twine and digging into the hay with the pitchfork.
“Heh.” And didn’t that kind of symbolism just smack you upside the head?
Him out here, with a pitchfork, like the dang devil.
That’s how his family saw him now. All of them. Even though he’d been trying to do the right thing.
Beth saw him as something even worse.
But anyone who’d seen what he saw at that diner in Carson would’ve thought and done the same.
Wouldn’t they?
Beth said he saw what he wanted to see. Because he refused to trust.
He didn’t want to see Garrett’s fiancée hurt him! That was ludicrous. But Beth insisted he could see nothing but the worst in people.
Beth.
He hadn’t thought this would cost him the one thing he was beginning to trust. Something he could believe in.
He didn’t realize she’d see his actions as a betrayal. But could he blame her?
Sawyer swallowed his emotions down hard and moved on to the next stall.
It was Amber’s stall.
His chest tightened, and inside, his heart twisted.
He’d never meant to hurt Beth with any of this. The reality that he would hadn’t even occurred to him. If he’d known, he would’ve…he would’ve what?
Stopped everything.
He cared for her so much. He hadn’t considered he might lose her over this. If he’d known then what he knew now, he would’ve handled everything differently.
And everything coming out about Shelby learning to ride? How was he supposed to know?
Who, in the whole Hill Country of Texas, didn’t ride horses before they could even drive a car?
Everyone was furious with him.
“I’m surprised you’re even talking to me.” Amber came to him as soon as he opened her stall. He stroked her short mane and checked the growth and development of her hindquarters.
She came from prime stock and would make someone an amazing horse one day. If she kept growing as he predicted, he may even be able to sell her for top asking price to race. It was in her blood, as her dad was a derby winner.
“Remember the lady from the night you were born?” Sawyer grabbed a brush and began grooming Amber, even though she didn’t really need it. “Pretty, auburn hair, kind of like yours. She cried when you were born. Yeah, you remember.” He sweet-talked the horse as he tended to her.
“I don’t know but…I think I messed up with her. Big time.” And he couldn’t shake the feeling that nothing would fix what he’d done wrong. “See, I—you don’t really know this about me yet, but I can be stubborn. And I got it in my head that something was true, so I was bound and determined to prove it. I’m like a horse with blinders, except worse.” He finished brushing Amber’s tail and ran his hand back up her side until it rested at her shoulder. “I pushed Beth away because I was so dead set on proving I was right.”
He moved around her to finish up her hay, and she stared at him with huge brown eyes.
“Somehow, I have to fix this mess I created.”
Amber whinnied and tossed her head, checking out her fresh hay.
“Any ideas how? No. You’ll get back to me if you think of something, right?”
He left her stall feeling only slightly better than when he’d started. He shoveled hay for hours, until all but the last bit of it was spread across each stable. He was drenched in sweat, with hay stuck to his jeans and bare arms, and still his mind jumped from thought to thought, replaying every word he’d said, everything he’d done. Analyzing and re-analyzing each thought. Second-guessing each and every action and reaction.
And he never second-guessed himself.
But this was Garrett and Beth and everyone he cared about.
Was it possible he was that wrong? About everything?
He’d never misjudged anything that completely. It couldn’t be.
But maybe there was a first time for everything. If he was wrong about the situation with Shelby, then what else had he been wrong about?
“Are you gonna stay out here all night or come in and face the music?”
Sawyer turned to find Uncle Joe standing in the open stable door, backlit by the disappearing sun.
He’d spent all day out here with the horses and his thoughts.
“You’re speaking to me now?”
“Don’t get smart with me, boy. I’m offering you an opportunity here.”
Sawyer jabbed the pitchfork into the last of the hay.
Boy.
He was a grown man and he’d handle this like one. “I’ll be in after a while, when I’m finished. But I’m not going to be your punching bag over this. I’ll listen and talk, but—”
“You’re just so doggone stubborn you can’t even admit it when you know you screwed up.”
“What?”
Joe walked over to him, checking in some stalls as he passed. He stopped in front of Sawyer, resignation and a little sadness in his gaze.
“I think you get it from your dad,” he said. “And our whole side of the family, truth be told. Silva men didn’t say they were sorry. Are you kidding? Your dad would’ve never spoken again before admitting he was wrong. I think we both grew up and never once apologized to one another. About anything. Though Lord knows we should’ve.”
Sawyer glanced down at his boots.
He wished he could say he knew his dad well enough to understand, but all he could do was imagine.
“What I’m saying is, you didn’t grow up hearing a lot about people messing up and being sorry for their actions. Eating crow and making amends and all that. Though I know you’ve got it in you, because I’ve heard you say sorry before. I know you took Beth out after y’all had a dustup at her inn, because you told me. So I know you’re capable.”
Sawyer opened his mouth to object, but Joe wouldn’t let him get a word in.
“What I don’t get is why you can’t see how wrong you are now and apologize. After the stunt you pulled, you ought to be seeking forgiveness and taking your licks. And just be glad they aren’t any worse than they are.”
“Joe?” Lina’s voice reached them before she appeared at the end of the stable.
“Aren’t any worse than they are?” Sawyer barely registered her presence as his voice went up a notch. “You-all haven’t said a word to me in almost two days. Garrett doesn’t want anything to do with me and told me to stay away from his wedding and him, and Beth wants me out of her life. I’m out here and everyone I care about hates me. How, exactly, could this be any worse?”
“You could be dead,” his uncle deadpanned.
With a roll of his eyes, Sawyer put up the pitchfork, preparing to walk out.
“No, I’m serious. You ain’t dead, son. And you aren’t beyond forgiveness. Which means you’ve got a chance to realize your mistakes, fix them, and make it right.”
