Doom System Survivor 2: A LitRPG Apocalypse, page 32
• Lunar mineral resale value on Alibaba
• The actual effectiveness of Congressional oversight
Hiro thought back to the powder they had snorted after a tough battle with the tax collector. The description came to him, and after sitting and closing his eyes for a moment so he could scan through his options, he provided the answer. “D, all of the above. And for the bonus question, the Sweating Man’s hyper-ossified plague meat.”
Amazing work, Survivor! The correct answer is indeed D, all of the above. You also got the bonus question correct. Your REG stat has been adjusted by 0.5. Congratulations!
The screen flashed the loading sign again and kept it there until a new question formed.
Question Three: The Brogre represents a critical point in Doom System psycho-historical modeling. Which of the following statements is most accurate according to the Brogre’s description?
Pablo Picasso’s Blue Period triggered a stock market sell-off the likes of which have only been seen twice in history
Picasso’s emotional damage, weaponized misogyny, and toxic genius all contributed to the creation of the modern Brogre’s acne
The Brogre is a naturally occurring evolutionary mistake, like Axe body spray or Harmon Tokens
The Brogre is confused and violent because he was forced to drop his championship belt mid-match in Quebec when the referee called for the bell while he was locked in the Sharpshooter—even though he never tapped out. He never tapped out! He spat at the promoter, suplexed a stagehand, and hasn’t trusted anyone since
“I don’t even remember fighting the Brogre.” Bianca laughed at her own comment. “Do you?”
“The answer is C,” Hiro told the screen. “And yes, I do. We fought it in Central Park.”
“Did we? Which time?”
“Exactly,” Hiro said as the Doom System’s announcer congratulated him again.
Great answer, Survivor! The correct answer is indeed C. You’re on a roll! Only two questions remain. Can you knock it out of the park and get all five questions right? I really hope so!
Hiro focused on the loading screen again.
“You are locked in, aren’t you?”
“I’m trying not to trigger {Terminal Lucidity}, if that’s what you’re asking,” he told Bianca. “But yes. As locked in as I’m going to be.”
“Oh, shit, I didn’t even think of that. Yes, please don’t overthink. Just think enough to get these next two questions so we can go back to New York City and get out of the desert. I really don’t want to be left in the desert!”
Question Four: Date Masamune’s most notable achievement was.
Preventing the global spread of hagelslag, a Dutch sugar sprinkle addiction, by waging a one-man war against industrial sweeteners
Leading a government-sanctioned massacre against Ben & Jerry’s AmeriCone Dream Ice Cream through the use of weaponized Pop Mart merchandise drops
Successfully conquering Hershey, Pennsylvania, in a 48-hour Fortnite tactical livestream under the alias “CowboyNecromancer69”
Convincing the FDA to replace high fructose corn syrup with MGK-infused keta-sperma-mine in public schools to satisfy nutritious demands
BONUS: For half a point in MIND, what famous JRPG sword shares a name with Date Masamune?
• Excalibur
• Buster Sword
• Masamune
• Froggy's Revenge Blade EX++
Once again, Hiro took a deep breath in and scanned the description in his head. He opened his eyes and focused on the answers again. “The answer is A. And for the bonus question, the answer is Masamune.”
Nice job, Survivor! The correct answer is indeed A. You also got the bonus question correct. Your MIND stat has been adjusted by 0.5. Just one more question remains. Everyone is counting on you now!
“Ugh, I hate the announcer guy so much,” Bianca said.
“We got this,” Hiro told her as he kept his eyes on the screen, the loading screen taking longer than it had last time.
Question Five: What critical mistake did Double Check make during the accounting scandal?
He trusted internal HR systems to handle ethical violations
He failed to diversify his whistleblowing portfolio across multiple firms
He acted on principle in a system designed to penalize visibility
He tried to unionize the espresso machine without executive approval
This one is harder, Hiro thought as he remembered his first against the statue with the briefcase. Technically, and according to the Doom System’s stupid lore, Double Check had trusted internal HR systems to handle ethical violations, even though that wasn’t explicitly stated. But that’s too obvious.
Hiro examined the other answers. B was clearly out, as was D, which was a throwaway answer. It has to be C. It could be A, but it has to be C…
“Well?” Bianca asked.
“I’m thinking.”
“But not too hard, right?”
“Not too hard. And what’s the worst that can happen?” Hiro asked, almost surprised at how blunt he had just become. “We’re fucked anyway. The answer is C.”
Ding, ding, ding! Correct once again! The correct answer is indeed C. You really are smarter than your average Survivor. And because you’re so smart, because you thought it would be a good idea to get every answer right to stroke your own ego and showcase your competitive edge, you will now be punished.
You can’t die in this next fight, Survivor.
But if you lose, you will be stuck here in the desert forever.
Maybe you’ll be able to hitchhike your way back to New York City by way of the Grand Canyon in time for the gates to open, but probably not. Good luck, Survivor. You’re going to need it!
55
KACHINA
Hiro reluctantly got to his feet and drew his katana.
“I can’t believe we freaking won and still lost,” Bianca said.
He stood still, bracing for whatever fresh hell the Doom System had queued up next as he focused on the space in front of them.
“Um, if we get stuck out here and we don’t have Hachi,” Bianca said, “that’s, like, totally sad. The poor pup doesn’t deserve that. We don’t deserve that either. I really don’t want to be stuck in the desert is what I’m saying here. That would totally suck. You definitely don’t have enough water.”
“I know.”
“Or food.”
“Bianca.”
“What? I’m just worried. I worry out loud sometimes. Maybe we can find civilization, maybe not. The desert is the desert because it’s vast, or whatever. I’m not some sort of desert sage, remember. I mean, I saw Dune, but that’s because Timothée Chalamet is hot. I didn’t really get the story. Also, since I’m freaking immortal, if you die, I’ll be stuck here. I think that’s how it works. But I’m more worried about you dying than being stuck here. Sorry, still thinking out loud.”
“Bianca.”
“Sorry!”
“Let’s just cross that bridge—”
“You mean desert?”
“—yes, let’s cross that desert when we get there, yes.”
They both fell quiet.
Even Bianca, for once.
The silence stretched, wide and empty, like the horizon around them. Nothing but sand and emptiness, the kind of stillness that felt like it was waiting to be broken.
And then the winds came.
They howled over the buttes and twisted through the sandstone arches, sharp and sudden, spiraling into columns that lashed at Hiro’s face. He raised his arm to shield his eyes as the world turned to grit.
When it cleared, something waited on the other side.
A life-sized kachina doll sculpted from sun-bleached sandstone now stood across from him, its joints webbed with glowing green glass veins filled with radioactive sap. Its head was bulbous, round, carved in the likeness of something sacred. A dried husk of corn hung from its neck like a medal of honor in a war no one remembered. Dozens of turquoise bracelets clinked faintly along its arms, and its feet were wrapped in soft leather boots, the kind made for ceremony rather than survival.
Description: Behold the Atomic Koyemsi Revenant, a dangerously irradiated kachina manifestation born of historical misunderstandings, religious greed, and an interplanetary nuclear fiasco.
According to both the Doom System and the Texas Board of Education’s approved Southwest History textbook, this sand-baked indigenous monstrosity isn’t from Planet Earth at all.
Yep, it’s an alien!
This bad little kachina first appeared at the start of Mars’s infamous Red Pueblo Uprising, an event triggered when Martians rebelled against Venetian timber barons peddling interplanetary Catholicism who had audaciously privatized the planet’s last sacred forest.
These interplanetary Catholic timber barons—descendants of Earth’s own Venetian lumber tycoons who stripped their city’s foundations of priceless ancient oak pilings and carried that ecological exploitation to Mars under orders from the Duke of Milan—really sucked.
No, seriously. They were total a-holes.
And after generations of exploitation, the Martian Puebloans finally snapped.
What started as a simple honey trap quickly escalated into a cleverly orchestrated psyop campaign involving social media misinformation and, ultimately, nuclear sabotage, all under the unhinged leadership of the Atomic Koyemsi Revenant, the same Revenant you’re now forced to fight because you just had to show off during our little quiz.
Unlike most uprisings, regardless of what your history professors insist, the Martian Puebloans actually won. And that’s not revisionist history, Survivor–-it’s a cold, hard fact.
Now, wandering Earth's deserts in search of his next uprising, the Atomic Koyemsi Revenant serves as both a cautionary tale and opportunistic agitator, mocking humanity’s eternal compulsion to commodify what should remain sacred, while paradoxically depending on that very commodification to sustain his purpose.
Two health bars appeared in the sky, one hovering above the kachina, the other directly over Hiro’s head.
“Ah, damn,” he said, gritting his teeth as he looked up at his own health bar, evidence of his life reduced to a single bar. You can’t die here, he reminded himself, but you might be left in the desert…
As added defense, Hiro summoned his bladed cloak, the pinch followed by a cascade of blades flaring as the bear-dragon scales along his back shifted.
The Atomic Koyemsi Revenant moved.
Fast. It didn’t run. It bounded. Like a centuries-old spirit still pissed about colonial land surveys and forced migration. Its fists, massive, fingerless stubs of clay and green glass, swung like wrecking balls.
The air around Hiro warped with faint divine interference as he cast {Thoughts and Prayers}, which, as always, did absolutely nothing.
Hiro ducked left. The first strike missed. The second grazed his ribs and stole his breath.
“Argh!” He stumbled and aimed his Bear-Dragon Claw.
Its teeth formed instantly, and white-hot flames jetted from his palm. Flames engulfed his opponent, but instead of damage, the heat only hardened the green-glass armor, fusing the cracks into a glistening, reinforced shell.
The kachina’s surface glittered, tougher now, slick and gleaming.
“Seriously?” Hiro growled.
He slashed at its neck with his katana. The blade pinged off like he’d tried to cut a marble countertop. Gritting his teeth, he leapt high, flipping over the Revenant and crashing down heel-first with his golden Nikes.
Wham!
A perfect head stomp. Dead center.
The kachina didn’t flinch. Its neck didn’t buckle. Its health bar didn’t budge.
“That’s some strong glass!” Pink tentacles lashed out from Bianca’s form in an attempt to tangle their opponent. It grabbed her mid-swing and chucked her right at Hiro as he landed. The fuzzy pink shield smashed into his chest like a cannonball, draining a solid hunk of his health bar.
“Okay,” Hiro wheezed, now flat on his back. “That hurt.”
The kachina didn’t wait.
Before he could pop back up, it closed the distance and tried to stomp Hiro’s head as Bianca protected him. He was just managing to get free when the Revenant brought its weight onto the shield again, which cracked against Hiro’s skull.
“Sorry!” Bianca said as a solid chunk vanished from Hiro’s health bar.
He triggered {Bounce} and launched himself sideways, kicking up sand. Hiro reversed course and hurled his body into the Revenant like a human missile.
They collided.
The Revenant skidded back but didn’t fall.
It struck again, fists hammering into Hiro’s arms, legs, and ribs. He slashed, burned, dodged, and cursed as he tried to get a solid strike in. Nothing landed. Nothing mattered. Nothing even tickled the enemy’s health bar.
He backed away, staggering, panting.
Bianca tried to rally him. “Okay, okay, so maybe the fight is not technically winnable, but we’ve been here before. We’ve had worse days!”
Hiro’s eyes flickered as a new idea came. {Hostile Architecture}. He had been so consumed with the fight that he hadn’t tried it, nor had he summoned his phantom cats.
He triggered the skill, and the desert warped before him. Jagged spikes pressed out of the ground, and sinkholes opened up like yawning troll mouths. One tower of rock nearly impaled the Revenant, but it dodged left, driving both fists into the dirt.
The desert cracked again, and a shockwave of solidified stone rippled forward, solidified sandstone curling up into a jagged arc beneath Hiro’s feet. He had just enough time to curse as an arc of solid rock slammed into his jaw like a concrete uppercut.
Hiro’s health bar collapsed, and a system prompt echoed in his skull.
[A Revenant has not fallen.]
[Survivor Hiro Johnson has fallen.]
The Revenant vanished, swallowed by the dust storm still spiraling around them. Sand scraped at his eyes as he stared up at the warping sky, his lungs burning with every breath. Hiro remained upright, barely, the weight of the prompt pressing against his thoughts like a verdict.
They hadn’t won. And worse, they were stranded.
56
FIGHT PSEUDOSCIENCE WITH PSEUDOSCIENCE
“Of course,” Hiro said, once the vultures started circling. He’d been stranded in the desert all of two minutes when they had appeared. “The dust hasn’t even settled, and we’re practically carrion.”
“Carry on? You mean like luggage? That’s the first thing you say? Ugh. We are going to die.”
“No—”
“Ugh. Ugh! We are definitely going to die.” Bianca collapsed against the cracked hardtop, the fuzzy pink shield slapping her tentacles against the pavement like a toddler in a full meltdown. “Or you’re going to die, and I’m going to be stuck here alone with Mishka. Who doesn’t even talk, by the way. Wait—” She tilted toward Hiro. “Wait a second.”
“Yes?”
“Mishka.”
“What about her?” Hiro asked.
“You can go to the past.”
“I can.”
“Then go back to the City.” Bianca sat up as best a shield could. “Maybe we just… stick around there until this whole desert apocalypse episode ends.”
“I don’t know if it works like that,” Hiro said as he got out the teddy bear, who was just coming awake. “Are you hungry?”
[Your Survivor Tenders have been poisoned. Pay 500 Soul Cash to remove the poison? Y/N?]
Hiro buried his hatred for the Doom System in his next reply. “Yes.” He set the bear against a rock and got out one of the Tenders. “Here you go, girl,” he said softly. Hiro watched the teddy bear eat the tender with a grim smile on his face.
Bianca moved closer to the two of them. “Why aren’t you worried?”
“I’m terrified. But…” Hiro looked at the bear again. “We’re in the desert. Based on the enemy we just fought, I’d guess the American Southwest. Maybe Arizona. Maybe New Mexico. Somewhere full of ghosts, pueblos, and gun stores.” He scanned the horizon. “If I could bounce up to those cliffs over there, we might get a better sense of where we are.”
“Why do you want to find civilization exactly?”
“If there are people, there could be a gate.” Hiro got out his phone and saw the countdown timer.
27:20
27:19
27:18
“Less than thirty minutes until the gates open,” he informed Bianca.
“It’s a cruel joke.”
“It always has been.”
“So we’re just going to wander the Doom System’s uncanny valley version of Arizona and hope for the best?”
“You know about the uncanny valley?”
“Not really, but it makes sense, right?”
“In a way, yes.”
“See, told you I was smart.”
“I never said that you weren’t.” Hiro scanned the terrain again. Sandstone cliffs. Scrub. Mesas and buttes rising like fossilized monuments to forgotten gods. He half-expected to see penis-shaped petroglyphs carved by the Doom System itself. “The best I can say is that we get to that cliff,” he told her, pointing to the one that looked like it would give them the best vantage point. “Maybe we’ll spot a gate. Maybe a town. Maybe nothing.”
“And if there’s not? What if we really are in the middle of freaking nowhere and we can’t find a little village, or whatever they have in the Southwest?”
“Then… we die together. Probably parched, half-delirious, and mid-argument. And just to be clear, they have towns in the Southwest.”
She took a place on his arm. “At least it’s pretty here, but… so dry. If I had skin, I would hate that.” Bianca shivered, despite having no body. “Well, enough out of me. Vantage point, right?”
