Down with the Dirty Danes!, page 2
But the man dosent say it was my fault. He says, ‘Im sorry I forgot the cakes. I was thinking.’
‘THINKING!’ screems Mum. ‘What have you got to think abowt? Yore just a dripping man. GET OUT!’
And she hits him with the pan agen.
He cant hit her bak becoz of not fiting women so he starts making for the dore. Only he dosent get there becoz suddenly my dad looks at him and goes –
‘ITS YOU!’
Then he grabs my mum and goes, ‘You stupid fuel, its the king. Its King Alfrid and you hit him with the pan!’
‘Oh no,’ says Mum. ‘Now heel chop off our heds!’
She falls down on her nees and starts screeming. ‘Dont kill me sir. Im a mother and I have to look after all this lot becoz theyve got no sense. What will they do if you chop off my hed?’
‘Dont be a fuel,’ says King Alfrid. ‘Im not a Dirty Dane. I dont chop off peoples heds for nothing. Annyway Ive got a much better idea.’
‘You have?’ says Mum. Shees even more scared now.
‘Of corse I have,’ says King Alfrid. ‘Im the king, arent I? Having good ideas is what kings do. And Ive got a really grate idea. Its abowt yore sun Berry.’
Help! Suddenly I remember that I rapped the dirty baby in the Kings cloke. And then I put it in the log basket. And I waved Dads axe at the King.
I dont think I want to no his idea.
Mum gives a huge screem. ‘Dont chop off Berrys hed! Hees a good boy even if he dosent like babys.’
‘Im not going to chop off annywuns hed,’ says King Alfrid. ‘Why dont you—’ But he dosent get to say his idea just then becoz theres anuther big noise outside. Much worse than the geese.
OINK! OINK!! OINK!!!
‘Its that baby!’ Mum says. ‘Whats it doing to those pigs?’ She pulls the dore open in a fyury feeoory temper.
‘Mum—’ I say.
Im trying to tell her it cant be the baby becoz its rapped up in the cloke in the log basket. But I cant get the words out becoz when Mum opens the dore I see sumthing terribul. Dredful.
THE WORST THING OF ALL!!!
So you can guess what that was cant you? Yes, yore rite.
THE HOLE YARDS FULL OF DIRTY DANES!
There larfing and pulling up the cabbidges and throwing the pigs into the water troff. Which is really dirty becoz it spoils all the water.
‘THATS IT!’ Mum yells. ‘Ive had enuff of Dirty Danes. I no women dont do fiting but sumtimes you have to do things you dont do.’
And she picks up the axe and goes charging out at the DDs.
‘No! No!’ showts Dad. ‘Cum back you silly woman! Theyll chop you up!’
But Mums not even lissening and Dad cant go and fite too becoz he hasent got the axe. He looks round to find a weppon – and he sees the barley cakes that got burnt. There black and hard like rocks. So Dad grabs sum up and starts chucking them at the DDs, yelling ‘TAKE THAT! AND THAT!’
So then I grab sum as well and so dose King Alfrid. (The baby wants wun too, but only to eat of corse.) Dad and me chuck the cakes at the DDs and we both hit wun rite on the nose.
‘Hurrah for Berry and Eggy!’ Dad yells. ‘What abowt you, Alfy?’
Then he goes wite becoz hees said Alfy to the King. But King Alfrid just larfs.
‘I can do sumthing better,’ he says. ‘Watch this!’ And he chucks a barley cake really hard.
‘Missed!’ Dad says. ‘That was a rotten shot!’
‘No it wasent,’ says King Alfrid. ‘Look!’
He wasent aiming at the Danes. He was aiming at the barn – and he nocked out the peg that holds the dore shut. So what came running out?
You got it! GEESE!
The DDs go crazy. First they get run at by a madd woman with an axe and mudd and green hair. Then they get hit by rocks (they think). Then the geese cum out and there madder than Mum becoz they hate being shut up.
SSSSS! SSSSS!! PECK!!! PECK!!!! PECK!!!!!
King Alfrid starts yelling reelly lowd. ‘Cum on men! Surround them!’
Of corse, there arnt any men, only Dad and me, but the DDs dont no that.
They think theyve run into a trap and theres a hole army waiting to tie them up and chop off there heds and thro them in the water troff. They give a grate Danish showt and start running off as hard as they can.
Im cheering and Dads cheering, but Mums really dissapointed. She tries to chase them, but of corse she cant (becoz of skirts) so she cums back in and showts at the geese instead.
‘WHO LET YOU OUT?’
‘It was King Alfrid with a cake!’ says Dad. ‘Hees really good at throing throhing.’ (He ment he could hit things with barley cakes.)
‘Im better at ideas,’ King Alfrid says. ‘And my next idea is to get rid of all the Dirty Danes and send them home to there own country.’ He grins at Mum. ‘Youd better tell me what plotts you herd when you were in the bush being a spy.’
Mums really happy abowt that. She dident no she was a spy. She thort she was just a woman in a bush.
‘They said there going to make a trapp for King Alfrid and his army,’ she says, ‘and they drew a big mapp in the mudd.’
‘Did you see it?’ King Alfrid says.
‘Of corse I saw it,’ says Mum.
King Alfrid looks really pleesed. ‘Can you draw it?’
‘Of corse,’ says Mum.
She goes over to the harth, to draw the mapp in the ashes. But then she sees the letters I did when King Alfrid was teaching me.
‘WHOSE BEEN RITEING IN MY FIRE??’ she says.
Im scared shees going to be cross, but King Alfrid says, ‘Oh, that was Berry.’
‘BERRYS BEEN DOING RITEING?’
‘Yes,’ says King A. ‘Hees a good fire-riter. Thats why I had my idea abowt him.’
Oh no! Not the idea! I thort heed forgotten abowt that! Im really scared I can tell you. I get the baby and pull off the cloke.
‘Im sorry abowt the cloke,’ I say as fast as I can. ‘Ill wash it I promise! And Im sorry abowt waving the axe at you. Dont chop off my hed! Pleeese!’
‘Of corse Im not going to chop off yore hed,’ King Alfrid says, as if Im really stupid. ‘Im going let you cum to my skool.’
‘Skool?’ I say.
‘Skool?’ says Mum.
‘Skool,’ says King A. ‘Im going to start wun when Ive got rid of all the Dirty Danes. Berry can cum to it and learn redeing.’
Mum gives him a look.
‘Oh and riteing,’ King Alfrid says.
Mum gives him a worse look but she cant do annything becoz of him being the king ha ha ha. So she says ‘Yes sir!’
‘Oh and Latin,’ says King Alfrid. ‘Then he can be a person who works for me.’
‘Latin?’ says Mum. Thats different becoz only important people do Latin. She starts smiling and you can tell shees really happy. Shees thinking she can tell everywun in the village that King Alfrid came to dinner and hees going to take her sun to work for him.
And thats what she did. She went on and on abowt it until everywun in the village was sick of it. Then sumwun asked her what she gave King A to eat and she shut up v. fast.
So thats it, Wulfie. Im going to the Kings skool and Im going to do redeing and riteing and Latin. Ive been practissing all over the village riteing
KING ALFRID IS GRATE!
and
DOWN WITH THE DIRTY DANES!!
Redeing is harder becoz I cant rede anything heer except what I do myself. Pleese rite me a letter soon Wulfie, becoz Im tired of redeing the walls heer.
Your riteing-without-monking cosen,
Berwin sun of Egfrith
PS I no sum Latin too becoz King A told me sum.
MAGNUS EST REX ALFREDUS!
and
VAE SORDIDIS DANIS!!
PPS Whats rong with being a monk annyway?
Also by the Author
Some other Roaring Good Reads from Collins
King Henry VIII’s Shoes by Karen Wallace
Elephant Child by Mary Ellis
Mister Skip by Michael Morpurgo
Spider McDrew by Alan Durant
The Witch’s Tears by Jenny Nimmo
Dazzling Danny by Jean Ure
Copyright
First published in Great Britain by CollinsChildren’sBooks in 2000
This edition published by CollinsChildren’sBooks in 2003
Collins is an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
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The HarperCollins website address is www.harpercollins.co.uk
Text copyright © Gillian Cross 2000
Illustrations by Tim Stevens 2000
Gillian Cross asserts her moral right to be identified as author of the work.
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Source ISBN: 9780007158423
Ebook Edition © JANUARY ISBN: 9780007573189
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Gillian Cross, Down with the Dirty Danes!
