House on Fire, page 22
Chapter 21
This was going all the wrong way. I was falling more in love with her every second, and she was responding. My duty to protect her – the whole family – demanded that I put a stop to this, but how? She wouldn’t listen to reason; Daniel was right about that.
“Sis,” I began, “I have to tell you something.”
“Okay, so tell me.”
“It’s... something really difficult...”
“You can trust me.”
“It’s, it’s... I’m gay.” I avoided her eyes.
What the hell did I just say? Oh shit, now I’ve really messed this up.
“You’re what?”
I doubled down.
“I’m attracted to other guys.”
“You are not,” she said dismissively.
No, I wasn’t, but I had said it. I’d have to either backtrack or run with it. Who knew? Maybe it would work.
“You can’t tell anyone.” I tried to sound desperate, which was pretty easy right then.
“Cory, you are not a homosexual.”
“Please, Jessie, this is hard enough, okay? Just listen. I think about guys. All the time. I try not to, but I can’t help it.”
Her mouth hung open as she studied my face. Finally she gasped, “You’re serious?”
“Have I ever lied to you?” Not until now, and it tasted really bad.
“Holy shit, Cory! How long...?”
Dammit, now I had to make up a whole bunch of lies. “Months. I thought it might go away, but it just gets worse.”
“Is it someone in particular?”
“No,” I said, still unable to meet her gaze.
“Is it Spaz? Are you horny for Spaz?” She was angry. I guessed that was good.
“No, no, not him – please don’t do this to me. I feel like scum, and I have this secret, and you’re the only person in the world I can trust with it.” I did have a secret, and I really did feel like scum. So much so that I started to sob and found I couldn’t stop.
I cried for the love we could never have. I bawled for loss of my dreams. But now that I had started down this road there was no turning back. It was my only chance. I was trapped, and totally screwed.
She held me and cried along with me. I knew what that kiss on the neck meant to her, and I knew I was breaking her heart, too. Maybe I should just stop and tell the truth – this was too much to bear. No, I decided, everything depends on me – I can’t afford to be weak. We’d come so close earlier, so close to admitting the truth out loud – and then there’d be no stopping the train wreck. I had to save the family, and this was the price we’d have to pay.
“Wait, what about the shower? Didn’t you feel it? You said I was beautiful.” Oh my God, she did feel it!
“You are beautiful. That doesn’t fix my problem.”
“Bullshit!” She shoved my shoulder. “You were excited. I saw it.”
Now I was mortified, but worse, I was caught, betrayed by my own body.
“It wasn’t for you,” I lied.
“What if you’re bi?”
“I don’t know. That’s not how I feel.”
“Maybe it’s just a phase and it’ll pass.”
“Maybe, but right now I’m trying to deal with my reality.”
“Why are you doing this?” she yelled. “What about me? What about us? We said I do!”
“I’ll always be married to you in my heart, Jessie, but there are things I can’t control. You have to help me.”
“How? What do you want from me?”
“Dad. He reads me like a book, and he’ll know something’s up.”
She shrugged. “You could just tell him...”
“No way. I’m not ready for that.”
“No, no, you’re right. Not a good idea.”
“You have to promise you won’t tell him. Him, or anyone.”
She laid her hands in her lap and sighed.
“Okay, I promise. You’re right, nobody in this little town would accept it. But what’ll you say to Dad?”
“I guess I’ll have to say the nightmares are worse. That’s the only plausible thing I can come up with.”
“What about me? He’ll know I’m hiding something.”
“He doesn’t read you as well. Besides, now you’re a hormonal teenage girl. There’s just no telling how you’ll act or feel.”
“Gee, thanks, Cory. But you’re right; I can probably get away with it.”
“I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m sorry to dump this on you. I just have nowhere else to turn.”
“It’s okay. We’ve always protected each other. I love you, even though you’re seriously messed up.”
“I am, aren’t I? Thanks Jess. I love you, too.” I kissed her forehead.
Our eyes finally met and I felt that jolt again, just as strong as before. I quickly looked away.
“I’m exhausted,” I said. “I’m going to bed, okay?”
That night I could hear her crying in her room. She finally fell asleep, and it was safe for me to cry. When Dad came home I had to be quiet.
This was going all the wrong way. I was falling more in love with her every second, and she was responding. My duty to protect her – the whole family – demanded that I put a stop to this, but how? She wouldn’t listen to reason; Daniel was right about that.
“Sis,” I began, “I have to tell you something.”
“Okay, so tell me.”
“It’s... something really difficult...”
“You can trust me.”
“It’s, it’s... I’m gay.” I avoided her eyes.
What the hell did I just say? Oh shit, now I’ve really messed this up.
“You’re what?”
I doubled down.
“I’m attracted to other guys.”
“You are not,” she said dismissively.
No, I wasn’t, but I had said it. I’d have to either backtrack or run with it. Who knew? Maybe it would work.
“You can’t tell anyone.” I tried to sound desperate, which was pretty easy right then.
“Cory, you are not a homosexual.”
“Please, Jessie, this is hard enough, okay? Just listen. I think about guys. All the time. I try not to, but I can’t help it.”
Her mouth hung open as she studied my face. Finally she gasped, “You’re serious?”
“Have I ever lied to you?” Not until now, and it tasted really bad.
“Holy shit, Cory! How long...?”
Dammit, now I had to make up a whole bunch of lies. “Months. I thought it might go away, but it just gets worse.”
“Is it someone in particular?”
“No,” I said, still unable to meet her gaze.
“Is it Spaz? Are you horny for Spaz?” She was angry. I guessed that was good.
“No, no, not him – please don’t do this to me. I feel like scum, and I have this secret, and you’re the only person in the world I can trust with it.” I did have a secret, and I really did feel like scum. So much so that I started to sob and found I couldn’t stop.
I cried for the love we could never have. I bawled for loss of my dreams. But now that I had started down this road there was no turning back. It was my only chance. I was trapped, and totally screwed.
She held me and cried along with me. I knew what that kiss on the neck meant to her, and I knew I was breaking her heart, too. Maybe I should just stop and tell the truth – this was too much to bear. No, I decided, everything depends on me – I can’t afford to be weak. We’d come so close earlier, so close to admitting the truth out loud – and then there’d be no stopping the train wreck. I had to save the family, and this was the price we’d have to pay.
“Wait, what about the shower? Didn’t you feel it? You said I was beautiful.” Oh my God, she did feel it!
“You are beautiful. That doesn’t fix my problem.”
“Bullshit!” She shoved my shoulder. “You were excited. I saw it.”
Now I was mortified, but worse, I was caught, betrayed by my own body.
“It wasn’t for you,” I lied.
“What if you’re bi?”
“I don’t know. That’s not how I feel.”
“Maybe it’s just a phase and it’ll pass.”
“Maybe, but right now I’m trying to deal with my reality.”
“Why are you doing this?” she yelled. “What about me? What about us? We said I do!”
“I’ll always be married to you in my heart, Jessie, but there are things I can’t control. You have to help me.”
“How? What do you want from me?”
“Dad. He reads me like a book, and he’ll know something’s up.”
She shrugged. “You could just tell him...”
“No way. I’m not ready for that.”
“No, no, you’re right. Not a good idea.”
“You have to promise you won’t tell him. Him, or anyone.”
She laid her hands in her lap and sighed.
“Okay, I promise. You’re right, nobody in this little town would accept it. But what’ll you say to Dad?”
“I guess I’ll have to say the nightmares are worse. That’s the only plausible thing I can come up with.”
“What about me? He’ll know I’m hiding something.”
“He doesn’t read you as well. Besides, now you’re a hormonal teenage girl. There’s just no telling how you’ll act or feel.”
“Gee, thanks, Cory. But you’re right; I can probably get away with it.”
“I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m sorry to dump this on you. I just have nowhere else to turn.”
“It’s okay. We’ve always protected each other. I love you, even though you’re seriously messed up.”
“I am, aren’t I? Thanks Jess. I love you, too.” I kissed her forehead.
Our eyes finally met and I felt that jolt again, just as strong as before. I quickly looked away.
“I’m exhausted,” I said. “I’m going to bed, okay?”
That night I could hear her crying in her room. She finally fell asleep, and it was safe for me to cry. When Dad came home I had to be quiet.
