The Hummingbird Sanctuary, page 15
You want me to come to you then?
That’s a loaded question. Absolutely.
I’ll see you at eight.
My heart is fluttering, and I try to remember the last time I felt like this. I don’t think I have ever felt like this before. There is something about the way Judy makes me feel that doesn’t seem like it will ever be replicated. I should probably tell her that. I should tell her how I have never wanted to settle down before, and now I keep picturing myself with her in a week, in a month, in a year, and that is not normal for me. Will it freak her out to know this is all brand-new? Will it freak her out to know this isn’t a fling?
Hell, it’s freaking me out to know this isn’t another notch in my headboard. I’ve never been in love. Not once. Not even when I was a kid trying to figure myself out. I don’t know if that means something is wrong with me or not. I’m thirty-five and have never felt the rush of looking at the person I’m with and thinking I would die for them. Is love something I should have felt before?
Sex, on the other hand, I’ve obviously felt that before. Way too many times to count. I don’t know what it is about her or why there is this pull to her, but it’s causing me a lot of inner turmoil, and I wonder if this is worth it. All these feelings and shit? That’s too much for me.
I mean, isn’t it?
When I think about kissing her, though…
The feel of her lips and the way she was so sure of herself and the taste of her breath and tongue. Wow. I just…wow.
She is, by far, the most incredible person I have ever met. I want to know everything about her. I want to sit and talk to her for hours, days, hell, the rest of my life.
Once I get to the house, I go into the kitchen and pull the crab cakes I premade from the freezer. They pan-fry nicely, especially when frozen. They stay together better and don’t dry out. I also throw a small frozen bag of the roasted red pepper sauce into a bowl with water to defrost. I’ll serve them with a small arugula, roasted mushroom, and truffle oil salad, and it’ll be delicious. I am giddy with excitement as I fly up the stairs to change.
Olive said she was going to be working late, and Eleanor texted that she was going to meet Mabel for a drink, then added a rolling eyes emoji for good measure. There are moments in our friendship where I want to throttle her because she has this stubborn streak and holds grudges. She’s such a Pisces, as she makes sure to remind us at all times. Artistic, funny, loves her naps, and will cut someone right out of her life if they become too much for her to handle.
In the time I’ve known her, she has cut out a couple people. The most notable was Natalie. But even then, she can’t quite seem to get past it completely. On the one hand, she’s easy to read; on the other hand, she’s a mystery. Her even allowing Mabel to be near her is shocking. I want her to be careful, but I’m also glad she’s going to try to forgive. Forgiveness is all we can control. And sometimes, it’s the best thing we can do.
I take a look at myself in the mirror and lift my chin. I look good. Casual in jeans and a white T-shirt, but good. I want Judy to see that I’m easygoing and carefree and that I am ready and willing to see where this goes.
Hattie, come on, get your head in the game. It’s too soon for those kinds of thoughts.
I have twenty minutes to start whipping together the impromptu dinner. I hope she enjoys it. The doorbell rings as I’m on my way to the kitchen. As I approach it, I take a deep breath and put on my best game face. “You got this.” My whisper sounds loud, even over the volume of the music playing. Wait. I don’t remember putting any music on.
Weird. I open the door and, “Sunny? What…what are you doing here?”
“Yeah, hi. I, um, I’m supposed to be meeting Olive?”
“Oh, you are, hmm?” What the actual fuck? Olive is meeting with Sunny? And I’m not allowed to do anything with Judy? I hear a small gasp behind me, a gasp that can only belong to… “Olive, Sunny has arrived.” I’m glaring at her now, and she knows. Oh, she knows how mad I am.
“Sunny, hi,” she says as she rushes up to us. Her voice is breathy, and she bounces on her toes a couple times like a teenager. “Come in.”
“I had no idea you were using the house to entertain tonight since, y’know, you said you were working late in the office,” I say.
“Can you please excuse us for one second?” Olive closes the door behind Sunny and ushers her to the kitchen. “I’ll be right with you.” She rushes back to me and pushes her hands frantically through her hair. “Hattie, please don’t be angry with me.”
“Too late.”
“I’m a hypocrite.”
“Ya sure are.” I realize I’m tapping my foot when I hear the sound of it on the tile. “Can you explain to me how you can tell me to lay off Judy, but you’re going to meet up with Sunny? I mean, seriously, explain it to me.”
“Please keep your voice down.” She wraps a hand around my wrist and pulls me outside on the patio. She’s pleading with her eyes. “This is not like me, you know this. But there is this pull to her I haven’t felt before, and I think I need to figure out what this means.” She pauses, and her shoulders relax as if she’s done fighting with me. “I didn’t know what to do except to explore it.”
It’s hard to be mad at her after that explanation. “Why didn’t you explain it like that to me instead of lying? You know you always get caught when you try to lie.”
She shrugs.
“Olive, I am never going to be mad at you for following your heart. Or your vagina.”
“Hattie, oh my God.” Her words are whispered but she chuckles at the end.
“I’m serious. You’ve got to stop being closed up about what’s going on inside you. Because lying to me? Of all people? Come on. Girl, that’s dumb.”
“God, I had this weird feeling you were going to find out.”
“It’s because I’m clairvoyant. You may be the mother figure, but I’m able to read you like a book.” I fold my arms. “And you, you sneaky bitch, you were so nervous at brunch.”
“Was I really? That’s embarrassing.”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re going to have to share the kitchen.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I invited Judy over.”
“Hattie. I specifically told you that you’re not allowed—”
I glare so hard that she immediately shuts up.
“I mean.” She clears her throat. “That you are more than welcome to share the kitchen with me.”
“That’s what I fucking thought.”
“Hattie, seriously, you’re okay? You’re not mad?”
“I’m not. But you’ve got to tell Eleanor because if you don’t, Olive, I swear to God I will.”
“I promise. I will.” She pulls me into a hug. “What are you making for dinner?”
When I try to pull away to glare at her again, she holds on even tighter.
“I love you.”
“Girl, you are very lucky that I love you, too.”
When we walk back inside, I see Judy has arrived. The look on her face says she knows exactly how I’m feeling about the company. It’ll be fine. We’ll have a good time. But I wanted it to be just us. And after I see her in black jeans and a denim button-down, sleeves rolled, buttons unbuttoned just far enough, I am very sad that I won’t be able to grab her and kiss her right then and there.
She seems a bit more nervous than normal as she swipes her bangs to the side. I want to ask if she’s okay, does she want to talk, run away together, anything. I’d do it if she asked. She walks over and gives me a hug. “I see we have to keep our hands to ourselves?” Her whisper is perfection against my ear.
“Yeah, but damn,” I say as I pull back to take her in. “You look fine as fuck.” Her hair is pulled back, and I can’t stop admiring the line of her jaw.
“So do you,” she says softly. I won’t last long without kissing her. I’m hoping Sunny and Olive find a way to get out of here.
“Don’t you need to give Sunny a tour?” I ask.
Olive gets the hint and turns to Sunny. “Come on, I’ll show you around.”
And as soon as they’re out of the kitchen, Judy has her hands on my face and is pulling me into her. Kissing her is becoming a drug. I cannot get enough of the taste of her lips and saliva and tongue. She is so fucking good at this. I want to ask how many people she has kissed, but that would mean I’d have to answer the same question, and I don’t know if I even have an idea. It’d take some tallying, for sure. My twenties were wild.
When she releases my lips, she sighs. “I could do that all night.”
“Fuckin’ preach.”
“Maybe we should cook, eat, and then go back to my room?” Her simple one-shoulder shrug is adorable. “Would that be something you’d be interested in?”
“Do we even need to cook and eat?”
“I’d love to say no, but I have a feeling you’d get into even more trouble. And”—she runs her hands up and down my arms—“I function better with food in me.”
“Holy fuck.”
“Come on.” She pulls me to the island. She pushes her sleeves even farther up her arms. “I’ll be your sous chef.”
“Hottest sous chef I’ve ever had.”
“Try to keep your hands to yourself.” Judy winks before she goes to the sink and washes her hands. In that instant, she could literally do anything, say anything, and I’d be all in. I wish there was a way to explain to my own brain how it’s possible to be enamored with someone this quickly. I need to stop questioning it. I need to go with the flow. I need to find a way to stop staring at Judy’s ass in those black jeans, or I’m going to combust.
“Come over here and wash those hands.” Her voice breaks into my dirty thoughts, and I clear my throat, do as she commands, and hope to God we move as perfectly together in the kitchen as we have since we met.
Chapter Fourteen
Olive
“Honestly, Sunny, I’m a giant hypocrite. I didn’t tell them because I get on their cases about not sleeping with guests, and I knew they’d take it wrong.”
Sunny’s eyebrows rise. “You think we’re going to sleep together?”
My entire body flushes, and I feel as if I’m going to faint. “Wait, no, that’s not what I meant. I only meant that I don’t like it when they fraternize.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I promise. That’s all I meant.”
“Sure.”
I playfully slap her arm. “I know how to put my foot in my mouth, don’t I?”
Her lighthearted chuckle is charming. She places a hand on my back as we stand in the middle of the theater room. “May I ask what exactly it is you’re looking for?”
“Ha!” I say and realize seconds later that she isn’t joking. “Oh, you’re serious?”
“Yes.”
God, she’s intense. “Y’know, the usual. Happiness, good friendships, a great bottle of wine.” I force another laugh. “Um, yeah, so, I’m not,” I let out a small groan, “uh, I’m not exactly sure…what I’m looking for.”
“That’s not a bad thing.”
“I’m fifty years old, Sunny. I should know what the hell I’m looking for in life.”
“Putting a time limit on things is a great way to drive yourself insane.”
Her wisdom astounds me. “True. God, that is so true.” Memories float around me, ones where I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m just not. “There are moments, especially recently, where I don’t…actually know who I am.” The way my heart sinks after the confession is almost too much for me. “Wow. I don’t have any idea why I’m being this honest with you.” It feels as if I’ve opened the floodgates. “I have to say this,” I say softly. “I was married to a man for a very long time. And all throughout our marriage, I…” Words fail me as I look into her deep brown eyes.
“You what?” Sunny tucks my hair behind my ear, then trails her index and middle finger down my jaw to my chin. I lean into her touch, into the soft pads of her fingertips, into whatever is happening between us that is causing my mind, body, and heart to short-circuit.
“I have never shared it with anyone.” My stomach is rolling, my palms are sweaty, and I realize yet again how powerful fear is.
“Not even your husband?”
“Especially not him.”
“Are you sure you want to tell me?” She gives me a very small smile. “I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t ready for.”
“That’s just it,” I say softly. “There’s something about you that makes me feel safe.”
“That’s good news.”
Maybe I should abort this mission? I can leave it at what I’ve already said and move on. There’s nothing holding me back now, right? Except there is. And it’s the same fear that has held me back my whole goddamn life. “I might as well spit it out. You see, I have never…that part of me, the drive, the desire…for, um, sex…it’s never been there.”
She places a hand on my arm. I can feel the heat radiating through my entire body. “You remind me of me.”
Deflated. I feel deflated. “Sunny, I just shared something super intense about myself. You’re…I mean, that’s sweet of you to say, and I see what you’re doing, but I’m not nearly as amazing and put together as you are.”
She leans against the back of the row of theater chairs. “I’d like to tell you something. If you don’t mind.”
“Of course, please.”
“It took me quite a few years to figure out what I want in a relationship, if I even wanted to have one. A lot of trials and tribulations and therapy, honestly. I finally figured out that I want that companionship. I want to be with someone. But I don’t necessarily need to be with them. Do you know what I mean?”
“I understand.” No, you don’t, Olive. “I lied, I don’t. What are you saying?”
Sunny’s eyes lighten as she says, “I’m asexual. I meant that you remind me of me because I used to feel the same way before I figured myself out.” She leans a little closer. “I wasn’t trying to be sweet, although I do think you deserve the sweetness.”
“Oh.” My brain has stalled. What has happened? I went from being attracted to this woman, to understanding her on a weird level I didn’t know existed, to being completely confused by her. “You’re asexual?”
She nods.
“And you’re saying you think maybe I am?”
“It’s a possibility.”
“But I like sex.”
“So do I.”
“I’m so confused.”
Sunny’s lighthearted laughter is perfectly timed. “Understandably so.” She slides down the back of the chair to the floor, where she sits cross-legged and pats the spot in front of her. I let out a puff of air and do as requested. “Let me tell you a bit about me…”
Sunny launches into a history about her life, her love life, and the reasons she identifies as asexual. I am enthralled and hang on every single word she says. There’s a realness about her in these moments, even more than before. It’s as if she had a filter on her, and now, I’m seeing her as she’s meant to be seen. No filter, no Photoshop, completely fresh. I’m moved by her. I’m moved by her ability to be emotional and caring and at the same time, truthful and raw.
“In the end, I know I want that romance and that push and pull of desire. But I don’t need that physical connection.” She has a hand on my knee when she finishes with, “You have all the answers. You just need someone to ask the questions.”
“Well, shit.” My voice comes out as a strained whisper. “Wow.”
“Is this the first time you’ve thought about being asexual?”
I nod. “I guess I need to do some research, hmm?”
“Google is a great research partner.” She places a hand on my cheek. “As am I.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna have to research how to handle feelings like this first. I don’t think you’ll be able to help me with those.”
“Listen, our bodies are complicated. Every person is different. And I think it’s perfectly fine to take as long as you need to get to a point where you can figure it out, waiting until you’re given the tools to understand why you feel certain things.”
“Does this make you not want to talk to me anymore?”
She laughs, and it’s such a lovely sound, one that calms me in a way I never expected. “On the contrary, my love. It makes me want to get to know you even more.”
My love. My heart starts to race. “Really?”
“Absolutely.” She cradles my face, her thumbs gently stroking my cheeks. “You tell me what you want, when you want it, and I’ll do my best to accommodate your desires.”
I lunge and wrap my arms around her, and she does the same. I don’t know what any of this means or how to feel about it, about myself, about her. I’m glad I told her what I’ve been feeling. I still don’t know what asexuality entails. Maybe I fall on some sort of spectrum? All I know is that I have been so afraid to say anything for so many years that finally getting it out in the open is like being able to breathe again.
Now I need to find a way to tell my friends.
* * *
“Dinner was absolutely amazing, Hattie.”
“Yeah, it did turn out, didn’t it? Not bad for an impromptu dinner party.” Harriet continues handing me plates, and I rinse them. “So.” She clears her throat. “Sunny, hmm?”
I roll my eyes. “We already discussed this.”
“I am simply happy to know you’re not as straight as I thought you were. Or as straight as you said you were.”
“I think I lean more toward bisexual than anything. I find the company of women far more enticing than men.”
“Yeah, but there’s like, the dick thing.”
