The Professor, page 5
“No—well, what do you . . . what do you mean by that?” She had caught me off guard which caused me to stumble on my words as I responded.
“I mean that you make it hard for me to keep things professional. I know that’s what you said you wanted.” She sounded dissatisfied as she placed the mug on a golden rose-shaped coaster on her coffee table.
“That’s not what I really want.” I lightly shook my head. “I just think that it’s best, given the overall situation.”
“I understand that . . . or at least I’m trying to, but it’s hard.” She errantly examined my body on the couch. “I’m extremely attracted to you,” she added, a helplessness staining her voice. “You have a certain charm about you, Amelia. I even felt it the very first time we met. Your entire aura thickens the atmosphere wherever you go. Any place is a little bit lighter once you’ve entered and left. I’m sure each person you meet is a little bit happier too.”
“I don’t know if I’d say all that,” I shyly denied, placing my tea down on a different coaster. I was stunned by the complexity of her compliments and the boldness of her flirtations. What the hell was I supposed to make of her praising me like this? Her expressions regarding me were far more intricate than I could have ever imagined them to be.
“It’s true. I apologize if that makes you uncomfortable,” she offered, but it didn’t seem sincere as the corner of her lips turned up before she grabbed her mug and took another sip.
“I still just find it hard to believe that my feelings for you are even mutual,” I explained.
“Why? We have good chemistry, shared interests, a similar moral compass. Our conversations are exhilarating and the way we laugh together is addicting. What more do you need for a mutual attraction?”
“Okay, so maybe we do have all those things going for us. But what about Teresa? I don’t understand why you’re choosing to split with her now. The timing just bothers me.” My leg bounced uncontrollably as I looked at her. It was clear that I was troubled, and I wasn’t trying to hide it. “It makes me feel guilty or responsible somehow.” I frowned.
“You have no reason to feel that way, Amelia. Teresa and I have long held our differences. The reason our marriage has been on the rocks is no fault of yours.” Her mug hit the coaster with a small clank, and she repositioned herself on the couch. “I know you have these thoughts that whatever has started up between us in some way contributes to my desire to leave her, but I can promise you that it doesn’t.”
“Then why did you mention that I was an additional source for the wedge between you two?” I huffed.
She released a long breath and rubbed at her brows. “When I said that my feelings for you are the tip of the iceberg, I meant just that. The rest of the issues that Teresa and I have are the reason for the sinking of our marriage. Not you.” She pushed back her curls. “I do view you in a very positive light though, especially at this point in my life. You are easily someone beautiful and . . .” She tapped a finger to her bottom lip now—the one I wished I could bite. “How can I put this?
“I’ve never taken an interest in one of my students before. I mean how could I have anyway since I’m married. But my marriage is over now, and you are . . . different.” She licked her lips. “Amelia, I honestly started feeling something for you after the third week you came into my office.” She blushed. “You tripped on your way in, and it was adorable. I’m sure you didn’t think I noticed, but unfortunately for you, I notice everything.”
She stood up and collected the two mugs. She carefully rinsed each of them in the sink then turned around and leaned on the counter while vainly tucking her curls behind her ears. I thought of the moment she mentioned, which I unfortunately remembered as well. I definitely almost ate the carpet of her office that day, but I thought for sure I had saved myself from the embarrassment. Yet somehow the calm in her eyes eased the rising anxiety resulting from her remarks about it.
She stepped a few paces back in my direction then stood blinking at me. “It wasn’t long after that week that I began paying more attention to you—a little in class, but mostly whenever you came to my office. I couldn’t get you out of my head. It was like every time you were there, I noticed something new and fascinating about you. You were also funny and kind and pure.” She paused. “All the feelings that started floating around inside of me were hard to admit to myself at first. They were more than I’ve felt for anyone in years . . .” Her voice trailed off and for a split second she even looked guilty.
“When you told me about your dream, I was shocked. I used to sway myself from indulging in any thoughts of more between us by telling myself that you were as straight as an arrow. I convinced myself that you would never have the same feelings for me that I was developing for you, but then you did.” She returned next to me on the sofa. “So you see, Amelia, you’re not the only one in disbelief here.” There was a hint of sass in her tone, although her face remained kind.
I hadn’t before considered her perception of things due to my unfortunate habit of externalizing my personal experiences with others. This made it difficult for me to comprehend their point of view. “I never really thought of that,” I admitted. “But I think this would be much easier for me if you weren’t—”
“Married,” she exhaled the word out indignantly. “I told you about the ‘agreement’ I have with Teresa—though it doesn’t make a difference anymore. I don’t believe in cheating, Amelia.”
“Does she already know about me?” I never dared ask the question before.
“She does. She knows that you’re my student and that the two of us have a romantic connection as well. It isn’t really her business, but I did tell her.”
A wave of fear permeated my insides now, and I felt a little sick. Panic also rose from somewhere inside of me resulting from her articulation of our mutual affections. “Has she mentioned anything about it?”
“No. But she’s very upset by it. I can tell.” Her brows drew together, and she frowned. I had never heard the version of sadness that currently stained her voice. “I hate it,” Alena continued. “She blames me but not herself when she was the one neglecting our relationship in the first place.” The pangs of anger could now be picked up in her speech. “I told her before that I wanted a divorce, but she refused to discuss it. The separation was her way of keeping me for longer, hopeful I might change my mind. But I just need to be free.” Alena’s voice trembled as her façade wavered, and the anger that faded revealed a thick layer of sadness.
“I tried, Amelia, I really did. And for so long. She was neglecting my needs for her work. I understand being passionate about her career because I definitely enjoy what I do, but I would never abandon someone I loved for it.” She shook her head as a tear trickled down her cheek. Without a second thought, I embraced her. I was not expecting the flood of tears that came as she wept in my arms. I hated to see her break down like this. It was the first time I had seen her strength falter and observed her as a weakened shell of herself. It was gut-wrenching and painful to watch yet somehow intimate to experience.
I struggled to keep in my own tears as I comforted her. “I’m so sorry, Alena,” I murmured as her cries got quieter. Her fragility was clear in the way she clung to me, and there was absolutely no way that I was going to let her go until she was ready.
Minutes later, she finally pulled away. She excused herself, standing up and walking through an open door behind the wall of the TV. I heard water running and concluded that she was cleaning herself up in a bathroom. I looked down at my shirt, which was now saturated with her tears, but I didn’t care about it at all. I was glad to be here for her, and I felt fortunate that she would share so much with me. Despite our current dynamic and age difference, she had always treated me as her equal and nothing less.
When she returned to the living room, I could see just how red and puffy her eyes had become from all of the crying. “Ugh, Amelia, I ruined your shirt. I’m sorry,” she uttered apologetically after noticing my tear-stained tee.
“It’s fine.” I waved my hand in the air.
“No, let me loan you another shirt. It looks like you got hit by a hurricane.” She laughed softly, though a defeated tone still plagued her voice. She then disappeared into the room across from the bathroom door and moments later called to me to get changed.
I strolled over to her room and peeked in, promptly scoping it out. The bedroom decorations flaunted a beautiful purple and teal color scheme. The dark wooden bed frame and matching dresser and wardrobe took up most of the space. The walls were a pearl-gray color which pleasantly accentuated the colorful bedspread. I stepped in right as Alena closed a drawer across the room.
“I love the design in here,” I noted as I approached her.
“Isn’t it cute? I actually helped Jess decorate the entire apartment when she first rented it,” she explained as she handed me the shirt. “I would’ve gone more for green and beige myself.”
I rubbed the linen between my fingers as I studied her. The red in her eyes had lightened into pink, and she looked more drained than when I first arrived.
“If you have any more time, we can finish our conversation so you can be on your way,” she suggested.
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea,” I hesitantly agreed. I did want to finish talking, but I didn’t want to leave. The vulnerability we had already achieved in this setting was very satisfying for me. Our emotions ran free in this apartment in a way they never could on campus.
“Okay, I’ll be in the other room waiting for you.” She walked out and closed the door behind her.
Upon her exit, I threw my shirt over my head, replacing it with the thick, fitted burgundy top she’d loaned me. The shirt was far too lengthy for my arms and my bare nipples peeked through the fabric, but I shrugged it off. I cuffed the sleeves several times and bunched the bottom of the shirt into my sweatpants. I then grabbed my top off the ground, opened the door, and walked back into the living room.
Alena sat there waiting for me on the couch as I entered the room. I held up my tear-soaked shirt, and she handed me a plastic bag to temporarily dispose of it. She had thrown back her hair since she’d left the room, and her curls were now falling into a tousled veil around her head. I felt stimulated as I silently bagged my shirt and set it next to the apartment door before returning next to her on the sofa, sitting closer to her this time around.
“I hope I didn’t put too much on you, Amelia. I feel so comfortable around you, but I’d hate to overwhelm you with everything going on in my life,” she said anxiously.
“Alena, you can tell me anything.” I spoke softly. “I’m always going to listen to you because I care about you. We have a bond—a friendship above all—so just know that I’m here for you no matter what.”
She nodded with a slight grin. “Thank you.”
“I know this may feel like a lot, and it is.” I leaned forward. “But from what I can see and from what I know about you . . . you are more than capable of overcoming it all. I really believe that.” I instinctively placed my hand on hers. It was merely an automatic response—a friendly gesture—but the emotions between us, especially at this point, were far from friendly.
The patter of my heart sounded like a drum in my ears as she left her hand under mine, searching my eyes in our closeness. Time crept to a halt as the distance between our lips diminished. She was almost close enough to taste by the time she stopped edging toward me. That’s when her hand slid from underneath mine.
Damn, I thought disappointedly, but I was pleasantly surprised when the same hand that had just pulled away now rested on my face. My heart palpitated violently as her long, cool fingers moved slowly across my cheeks.
“Is this okay?” she whispered, her warm breath tickling my nose. I nodded my head, not taking my eyes off her. When she started nearer to me once more, I hastily bridged the gap between us. Finally, her soft lips were pressed on mine.
There was a release I wasn’t quite prepared for once our lips touched, and the relief of it was indescribable. Right in the living room of Alena’s apartment, an unspoken rule I’d made for myself was now being broken. Crazy signals shot through the length of my body as warmth filled my entire being. The gravitational pull from within me to be nearer to her moved me forward, and I found myself pressed as close to her as physically possible.
Alena’s hand dropped from my face then and latched onto the sides of my hips. There was a rising heat from her touch there. She pulled me inward, causing her own body to compress onto the couch. Her hands slid lower, and she kissed my neck gently while squeezing my ass. A knot of guilt went straight to my stomach when I felt a familiar tingling in the lower half of my body. I knew that I craved her terribly, but now wasn’t the right time. It couldn’t be.
I abruptly pulled back from the kiss and looked down at her below me. I was stunned. Her beauty and warmth and the lust in her eyes taunted me, but the knowledge that fought its way back from below extinguished the heated feelings. I shut my eyes for a moment, struggling to recapture a firm grasp on reality. When I finally did, guilt weighed on me like a ton of bricks.
Alena’s hand seized my face which was undoubtedly filled with anguish as I opened my eyes. I turned from her immediately and tried my best to suppress the tears that were threatening to fall.
“Amelia, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?” she asked worriedly, sitting upright. Did I—” she froze.
I supposed that she feared my reaction to the kiss, but I loved it—more than any kiss I’d ever received in fact. It was equally as intense as it was sweet and tender, but I still somehow managed to feel terrible about the experience. I thought about Teresa who had longed for the same lips and missed the touch I was now receiving. It gave me such a dreadful feeling that I couldn’t speak or even look in her direction.
“Amelia, say something,” she impatiently urged.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” I whispered as I met her entrancing brown eyes and immediately lost myself in them. “I told myself not to.”
“So, you’re not uncomfortable? You didn’t feel any pressure to kiss me?” Alena sounded frightened. She seemed so worried about breaching my boundaries, which was admirable, but not the point.
“No, I wasn’t. It isn’t that I didn’t want to kiss you.” I fidgeted with my hands. “It’s just that some things you can hope for but still know that you probably shouldn’t do.”
Alena was quiet for a long moment. “You’re right.” Her eyebrows pressed together. “But you’re also wrong. If we both wanted to, I can’t see the problem with the fact that we did.”
I couldn’t think of something I wanted more than to taste her lips again. Actually, I could—but my mouth would still be the main character collaborating with her body. Yet the dilemma remained. “What if you and Teresa get back together?” I asked warily.
“We won’t. How can I convince you of that, Amelia? I started the process already, months ago, but she won’t even sign the initial papers. I’m not holding on to her, she’s holding on to me.” Somehow her tone remained soothing despite the obvious traces of distress in it.
I knew that Alena and I were running in circles, but I was having a hard time outrunning my conscience. “I hate this,” I admitted with watery eyes. I wanted nothing more than to freely take a chance on Alena, but things were just so complicated. My frustrations would have bled out through my tears had I not stifled them.
Alena was still clearly able to see how upset I was, and she pulled me into her arms and held me tightly. I felt completely protected with her and didn’t ever want to leave her embrace. She kissed my forehead for the first time, which put me at ease all the more. The tension was soon broken when my stomach erupted in a loud, gurgling sound. I looked at Alena, my mouth hanging open, and she laughed which sent my heart fluttering a little faster.
She released me from her grip. “Did you eat anything this evening?” she asked skeptically.
“I tried,” I guiltily admitted. “I made a sandwich before I came, but then I dropped it on the ground.”
It was obvious that she held back her laughter. “You’re a clumsy one, aren’t you?” She seemed to weigh the next words in her mind carefully. “I wanted to make tacos for dinner before our meeting tonight, but I didn’t get the chance. You’re welcome to stay while I cook and eat dinner with me afterward if you’d like.”
Is she nervous? I grinned. I was extremely pleased with the offer to stay with her longer. “I do love tacos.”
Chapter 5 Hate to Love
Mya was exhilarated now that I was willingly going along with her plans for the weekend. Ever since I’d left Alena’s apartment the other night with an invitation to return this Sunday, excitement became my personality. I couldn’t help but eagerly plan coordinated outfits with Mya for the club on Saturday or assist in the vote on what movie we would see tonight. Gabe had been allowed to choose the restaurant without objection since we had conspired against him on both the film and the location of the club we were visiting. He would much rather have seen Venom, but Mya and I were set on watching The Hate U Give.
Gabe decided on taking us to a Japanese steakhouse near the theater for dinner. He had only been to it twice before, but he continuously raved over it, and for good reason. We sat around the grill with strangers and watched the chef spin his knives and spatulas in between cooking the food and agitating the fire just for fun. We devoured our teriyaki chicken, shrimp, and steak with the rice and vegetables that came with it. Mya and I also drank our fair share of sake since Gabe was the designated driver.
Almost as soon as we entered the theater—Gabe, with his bottomless pit of a stomach, made a beeline to the concessions stand while Mya and I slipped away to the women’s restroom. By the time I had finished and washed my hands, Mya was playing around with her hair in the mirror, so I decided to wait for her in the hall. She came out giggling to herself and walked over to me.
