For our anniversary, I cooked him dinner and invited him over to my place. I wore slacks and a collared shirt, something that made my shoulders look broad and muscular. My slacks were a little tighter than usual so they showed off my ass. I hoped Heath would notice.

  When the table was set with a red tablecloth and white candles, I turned on the light classical music in the background. The table was set near the windows so the backdrop was the New York Skyline. I couldn’t think of anything more perfect.

  He knocked on the door and announced his presence.

  Butterflies took me and I felt nervous. I’d had dinner with Heath a million times before, but he still excited me. I made sure there were no wrinkles or stains in my clothes before I answered the door. “Hey.”

  He smiled at me while he stood in front of my door. He wore dark slacks and a yellow collared shirt. He always looked good in the color because it brought out his eyes. “Happy Anniversary.” His hand was behind his back like he was hiding something.

  “Happy Anniversary,” I said.

  He pulled out a square item with a large red bow on it. “I know you aren’t a flowers or candy kind of guy.”

  I took it and ripped off the bow. It was a new video game I’d been wanting. I smiled then looked at him. “Thanks. Nothing says romance like video games.”

  He chuckled then kissed me. “Thanks for having me over for dinner.”

  “Shut up, Heath,” I said. “You’re always welcome.”

  He came inside and I shut the door behind him. He stared at the table with the flickering candles. Then he listened to the music. “Wow, it’s lovely.”

  “I hoped you would like it.”

  “I love it.” He grabbed my hand and walked with me to the table.

  We sat down and faced each other. Silver platters were on the table, and lids covered the food.

  “You went the extra mile, huh?” Heath said.

  “You deserve nothing but the best.” I didn’t like wine and preferred beer, so I took the frosty pitcher of beer and poured two glasses.

  “Classy,” he said with a smile.

  We removed the lids and began to eat.

  “Oysters,” he said. “That’s pretty romantic.”

  “I’m just trying to loosen you up.” I winked at him.

  “Well, it’s safe to say you’re going to get laid tonight.” He gave me a serious look then kept eating.

  “Sick,” I said.

  He chuckled. “Yes, sick.”

  I picked at my food. “How was your day?”

  “Good. Research can be a hassle sometimes.”

  “Can I help?” I asked.

  “No. I know you have a million things to take care of.”

  “I don’t mind,” I objected.

  “It’s really okay, Ro.” He gave me a gentle look before he kept eating. “So, what’s after this?”

  “Well, there’s cheesecake.”

  “You made cheesecake?” he asked in surprise.

  “Well, no…The Cheesecake Factory did, actually.”

  He chuckled. “Well, at least it’ll be delicious.”

  “And I thought we’d watch a movie and go to bed…or something.”

  He clanked his glass against mine. “Sounds like an excellent plan.”

  “I thought you’d like it.”

  He took a long drink of his beer before he returned to eating his dinner. He ate a lot faster than I did, but he always did it with such elegance. He snuck glances at me every now and then, and the looks were always accompanied with a smile. “What are you thinking about?”

  I shrugged. “You…me…us.”

  He nodded. “That’s what I’m always thinking about.”

  I wondered if I should give him the gift now. I was excited to see his reaction. I’d been thinking about it for a long time, ever since I picked it up. After I made my decision, I pulled the small box out of my pocket. “For you.” I placed it on the table in front of him.

  He eyed it before he cracked it open. Inside sat two platinum rings. One was sized for me, and one was sized for him. Heath examined them for a long time before he looked at me.

  I took the ring made for me and slipped it on my right ring finger. “I read online that it’s a subtle indicator of homosexuality, and it also protests the fact that not all gay people have the right to get married in this country. I thought we could wear them…”

  Heath stared at me for a long moment before he slipped on his own. “That was really thoughtful of you.”

  I averted my gaze because the attention became too much.

  “I love it,” he whispered. “And I love the fact you’re coming out.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that…”

  He eyed me in explanation.

  “My family would never figure out the symbol of the rings. They probably won’t even notice.”

  Disappointment came into his eyes but he didn’t express it. “It’s still a step forward.”

  “Yeah…”

  He came around the table and kissed me. After he rubbed his nose against mine, he returned to his seat. He eyed the ring on his finger for a long time, feeling the material under his thumb. “It’s so plain but so elegant at the same time.”

  “I think designs take away the natural beauty of it.”

  “Yeah,” he said. “And maybe one day we can switch these to the opposite hand.”

  “Yeah…” It was a future I wanted but feared at the same time. There would be no hiding then.

  We returned to our dinner when there was a loud knock on the door. “Ro!”

  I flinched when I recognized Conrad’s voice. “What does he want?” I whispered.

  Heath stopped eating and stared at me.

  “Ro, answer the door.” He knocked again. “I know you’re home.”

  The worst-case scenario flashed across my mind. What if something happened? What if he needed me? “Excuse me.” I left the table then went to the door. I cracked it open so Conrad couldn’t see Heath sitting at the romantic table with the candles. “Hey…everything alright?”

  “Hey, I haven’t seen you much this week. Let’s go out tonight.” He was wearing dark jeans and a blazer.

  How was I going to get out of this? “Actually, I think I’m just going to stay in tonight…”

  “Then why are you dressed like that?” he asked.

  Uh… “Just got home.”

  “From what?”

  Shit, was he a detective? “I had to go into the office for a little bit.”

  “Then you definitely need a beer and a good lay.”

  “How about we go out tomorrow night?” I asked. “I’m a little tired.”

  “Come on, dude. It seems like you’re always busy. You don’t have a girlfriend so what could you possibly be doing that makes you so busy?”

  Conrad wasn’t going to let this go. “How about in a few hours?”

  He looked at his watch. “It’s almost eight as it is…”

  Shit, what was I going to do? If I left Heath on our anniversary I’d be the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. But if I didn’t go out with Conrad he would take it personally. And I didn’t even have a good excuse to turn him down. Why the hell was this happening to me? “Uh…let me change real quick.”

  “What’s wrong with what you’re wearing?”

  “It’s just…uncomfortable.”

  He tried to come inside.

  I pushed the door closed so he would stay out. “Wait out here. My place is a mess.”

  “Dude, what are you hiding?” he asked. “You got a drug deal going on in there?”

  I tried to laugh it off. “Something like that.” I shut the door and locked it. When I turned back to Heath, he wouldn’t look at me. He sipped his beer then stared off into the distance. I came to his side and sighed. “I don’t know what else to do…he’s not backing off.”

  He rested his elbows on the table and didn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry, okay? I wish he would just leave.”

  Heath continued his silence.

  I rubbed the back of my neck anxiously. “I wish he would call first…”

  Heath slowly rose from the chair. “Let’s put this away so he doesn’t see it. Then I’ll hide in your room.” He started to stack the plates before he even finished his meal. The sadness in his voice broke my heart.

  “Heath…I’m sorry.”

  Without looking at me, he moved the table into the kitchen and set the dishes on the counters.

  I carried everything else then followed him to my bedroom.

  He sat at the edge of the bed and pulled out his phone, purposely avoiding eye contact with me.

  I changed into jeans and a t-shirt. Then I stopped and stared at him, hating myself. “I don’t want to do this, for what its worth.”

  “Have a good time.” He kept looking at his phone.

  I stood there like my presence would make a difference or show my remorse. I didn’t want to leave Heath but I didn’t have a choice. He understood that, right? I put my hands in my pockets and tried to think of something good to say. “I love you.”

  He sighed but kept looking at his phone. “I love you too.” He said it with resignation, like he didn’t really mean it. It seemed like he was just saying it to get me to leave. “Now go. I’ll wait ten minutes before I go back to my apartment.”

  “I’ll make it up to you.”

  Heath didn’t respond to the comment. “You shouldn’t keep him waiting.”

  I gave him one final look before I walked out. As I approached the front door, I felt sick. Never in my life had I loathed myself as much as I did now. Heath was hurting, and I was responsible for all his pain. But I couldn’t let Conrad see what we were. He was my best friend. What if I lost him when he knew the truth? I stepped out then locked the door behind me.

  “Dude, you look like a ghost.”

  I avoided his look. “Just tired.” I pocketed my keys. “Shall we?”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” he questioned. He stared at my face like he’d find the answer.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  We walked down the hallway toward the elevators. Conrad went on about the success of the studio and he mentioned PIXEL a few times.

  In a daze, I silently listened and thought of Heath. Our romantic evening was ruined. I worked so hard to make it special, and it seemed to mean a lot to Heath. And then I destroyed it by shoving him in my room and hiding him like I was embarrassed. We didn’t even finish our meal and I kicked him out like a dog.

  Fuck, I hated myself.

  “Having a secretary is so cool,” Conrad said. “She gets my coffee and everything.”

  I ignored him, thinking about Heath sitting on my bed and staring out the window. I was doing the same thing Ander did to him, and eventually, Heath wouldn’t put up with it anymore. He would leave me the way he left Ander. It was just a matter of time.

  And that terrified me.

  We waited for the elevator to arrive, and Conrad continued to discuss his job at the company. All I could think about was Heath, sitting in my apartment alone on our anniversary. It was supposed to be a memorable night, and not because we spent it separately.

  The doors opened and Conrad walked inside. “I’m a little nervous about the CEO position but if my dad can do it, I can, right?”

  I stared at him and didn’t step inside.

  The doors started to close, and Conrad stuck out his arm. “Get in, idiot.”

  I took a deep breath and felt my self-loathing increase. Would I really be that guy? The guy who acted as a coward and hurt the person he loved most? Would I be the person who lived a lie? “No.”

  “No?” He gave me a confused look. “Afraid of elevators or something?”

  I couldn’t do this. It felt wrong. I was terrified of what that meant but I couldn’t stop. “Come with me.”

  “What?”

  “Just do it.” I turned back to the hallway.

  Conrad came behind me then caught up to me. “Did you forget something?”

  “Actually, I did.” I breathed hard while we returned to my apartment. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. But I couldn’t do this to Heath. I couldn’t give him those rings and then walk out on him. I couldn’t keep ditching him like this. The sadness in his voice and the disappointment in his eyes was enough to kill me.

  We reached my apartment then walked inside.

  Conrad looked around. “Well, at least there aren’t piles of cocaine around.” He chuckled at his own comment.

  I didn’t even hear him. “Heath, come out.” My heart was beating a million miles an hour. A spike of adrenaline came in, and I felt invigorated but also weak. There was no going back, and I couldn’t believe I was doing this. This probably wasn’t the best way to go about it but it was too late now.

  “Heath?” Conrad asked in confusion. “What’s he doing here?”

  Heath finally emerged from the hallway, confusion in his eyes. His hands were in his pockets and he regarded me with suspicion. He eyed Conrad then looked at me again. But he didn’t speak, obviously not knowing what to say.

  “Is Heath coming along?” Conrad asked.

  He obviously didn’t get it.

  Heath continued to stare at me, trying to figure out what I was trying to do.

  I took a deep breath then came to Heath’s side.

  Heath stared at me passively.

  Then I reached into his pocket and grabbed his hand. In shame, I stared at the floor. Then I looked at Conrad, feeling judged and persecuted.

  He stared at our joined hands, clearly confused.

  “I’m gay.” The words came out of my mouth quietly. I felt my throat burn in emotion. Conrad would probably leave and not want to see me anymore. He would probably be disgusted by me. He would think less of me. But I didn’t have a choice. He was my best friend and I couldn’t picture my life without him. And I was terrified he would leave.

  Conrad stared at me blankly, taking a long time to process it.

  Heath turned to me, emotion in his eyes. He squeezed my hand in support.

  I couldn’t look at Conrad anymore so I stared at the floor. “If you don’t want to see me anymore, I understand. But…I can’t hide it anymore.”

  Conrad continued to stare at me. Then his eyes focused on our joined hands.

  He was going to walk out. He hated me. He saw me as devil’s spawn.

  Conrad came closer and cleared this throat. “I’m sorry…I just…I’m having a hard time processing this.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and didn’t say anything.

  He put his hands in his pockets while he remained quiet.

  “You can go if you want,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”

  “Why would I leave?” he asked.

  “Because…you want nothing to do with me.” I felt the tears behind my eyes. I didn’t want them to fall and make me appear weak. But it was becoming difficult to do.

  “Nothing to do with you?” Conrad asked quietly. “Ro, I don’t care who you love or what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. I…it doesn’t make a difference to me. It’s just a lot to take in so quickly.”

  My eyes burned and I blinked, feeling the moisture release and fall down my cheeks.

  “Roland…” He came closer to me. “Dude, it’s okay.”

  “You’re my best friend…” I sniffed and wiped my tears away. “I don’t want to lose you.” I felt Heath pull away from me and drop his embrace, giving us a moment. “I don’t want you to hate me. I can’t change the way I am and I can’t hide it from you anymore…I’m sorry.”

  Conrad grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. “You can’t lose me, man. We’re best friends no matter what.”

  I sniffed again. “Really?”

  “Of course,” he said. “I love you.”

  More tears burned. “I love you too.”

  He gave me a look full of emotion. “You could have sex with horses and I wouldn’t care. I’m sorry I made you think otherwise.”

  I chuckled lightly. “Horses?”

  “Or cows. Whatever your preference is.” He gave me a light smile. “If you love Heath, that’s your own perogative. It doesn’t make a difference to me. You’re still my best friend.”

  “Yeah?” I whispered.

  “Ro, you know I’ve never been weird about homosexuals or anything like that. What made you think I would care?”

  “I don’t know…it’s different when it’s someone you know.”

  “It doesn’t change anything as far as I’m concerned,” he said seriously. “I only wish you had told me sooner. I wish you’d been comfortable enough with me to say something…”

  “I was just scared…”

  “I get that,” he said. “But you shouldn’t be scared with me. We’ve been best friends since we were born. You think anything could possibly change what we have? You could kill someone and I would still stand beside you. Whether you love a man or a woman is irrelevant.”

  Relief washed through me and I felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. My biggest fear hadn’t come to pass. Conrad was still my friend and he looked at me in the same way as before. My tears and pain were for nothing. “Thanks…you have no idea what that means to me.”

  He pulled me in for a hug and held me for a long time. “Best friends forever,” he said. “That’s what we used to say when we were kids. And it’s still true now.”

  “Yeah.” I returned his embrace and felt lighter than air.

  He pulled away then patted my shoulder. “Can you stop being a drama queen now?”

  I released a chuckle. “Well, I am gay.”

  Heath leaned against the back of the couch and watched us with a slight smile on his lips.

  Conrad walked to him then extended his hand. “It’s time I formally met my best friend’s boyfriend.”

  Heath smiled but didn’t shake his hand. Instead, he hugged him. “Thanks for being supportive. I knew you would be.”

  “Of course.” He pulled away. “I just wish I’d known sooner.”

  “I tried to convince him to say something but he had this ridiculous idea you would hate him,” Heath said.

  Conrad rolled his eyes. “Ro has never been very bright.”

  “You know I’m standing right here,” I said in an irritated voice.

  Conrad looked at me and purposely rolled his eyes again. “Let’s go out—the three of us. I’ll pick up a date on the way.”

 

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