Dear Mr Kershaw, page 20
The Christians, I am absolutely humbled. If pop music’s thus far brief history has taught us anything, it is surely that those of its proponents that lay claim to be able to soothsay (most notably Zager And Evans, Prince, and Busted) have been haplessly inept in comparison to your good selves, whose unimpeachably fastidious clairvoyance, released to the predominantly non-prognosticating ‘record buying public’ in December 1987, sagely foresaw the first transmission of one of QVC’s closest rivals (launched on 17th April 2000) by a harbinger sceptic-
silencing period of 13 years. In indisputable fact, not only was the televisual retail emporium itself but also many of its key characteristics uncannily foretold by the highly melodic augury.
As you correctly heralded, all spectators are now indeed ‘free to choose’ from a multitude of never-to-be-repeated discounted bargains, ranging from, for example, stylish Raquel Welch wigs (hewn from fine, synthetic fibres) and the Snore Wizard, all the way through to the ultimate waterless car-cleaning product, and Steve Whatley’s tan accelerator, ‘Zhuzh’. And, when an untimetabled blaze swept through the vending channel’s Peterborough studio on 6th March 2001, a sudden blackout did stop the show and the whole thing did disappear, as also eerily and soulfully prophesied.
Although Ideal World does not have a ‘catch-up option’ (presumably owing to stock and pricing issues), your veracious divinations continue with firstly a direct reference to a handy feature on their website where ‘we can start again’ by reviewing all products featured in the previous hour’s schedule, and secondly a recent episode at Philpott Place, whereupon my wife Jean recklessly purchased a ‘Bricky Pro’, ‘Cricut’ and ‘Vergari Magnetic Knee Support’ (all in the same month), at a total cost of £418.98; although this financial blow was softened by the utilisation of their ‘Flexi-Basket’, which enabled me to stagger the cost into three more manageable instalments, I had to tighten my belt for some weeks as ‘my money filled their pockets’, which led to some terse words in the household.
In recognition of your prodigious precognitive talents, one is tempted to suggest that you hawk your potential services to Psychic Today (Sky Channel 886), given that with calls to all sibyls charged at £1.53 per minute (plus network extras), the additional income could be a welcome augmentation to your existing pop star salaries. Sadly, however, this entrepreneurial advice is errant on two levels; your trading name may prove controversial and result in a slump in ratings considering its monotheistic connotations would be in direct conflict with the esoteric theme of your prospective employer; and I also think you will find it problematic – as portended in your song Hooverville – convincing even the most open-minded patrons of an imminent town built entirely from vacuum cleaners.
Jean and I therefore wish you continued success in your sole occupation as ‘recording and touring artists’.
Amen to that!
Yours sincerely,
Derek Philpott
Hi Derek… sorry for delay in replying… been a bit crazy… new album out, gigs, promo here at Priestman Towers in the last 2 weeks… it’s all go! Busy writing and gigging for next few days (and I need to give it serious thought!)… but I’m back home on Sunday, so will put my mind to it then. Feel free to nudge me on this email if you’ve not heard from me by next Wed.
… It’s in the pipeline, Derek… I’ve got co-writer Mark Herman involved too (we wrote Ideal World together back in 1986). It’s on our list ‘to do’… thing is we’re both Hull City fans, so it’s a case of trying to get a song sorted by end of this week (as they’re in FA Cup final). What exciting lives we lead :-)
… Hi Derek… spent a 3 hour journey to London (no distractions) trying to come up with something… Kept binning it… this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do since English A level I reckon (which I failed)!!… as it’s there for all time, and for all to see (unlike my English A level), and what other people have written is great… (and yet I’m fine doing my pithy one liners on Facebook every day!)
… Hi Derek… So if you’ll remain calm, and give us just a bit more leeway… then after that, if we don’t manage it you can give us up as a dead loss, and tell us to finally p*** off!
Henry Priestman
I would never be so vulgar… Sling your hook!
Derek Philpott
Very special thanks to the following for obtaining replies, and support:
Olivia Fawkes, Tim Quy, Patrick Dalton, Pete Dee, Keith Bell, Francesca Lord, Kev Moore, Dirk Ewald, Keith and Yvonne Watterson, Phil Bonsor, Pete R Jones, Jake Blight, Kim Halliday, Angela Cranwell, my friend Daniel Wylie (a criminally overlooked talent), Martin Coogan, Angela Loughran, Clive Leighton, Alan Roots, Steve ‘Slim’ Wainwright, Jim Rowland, Toby Woby, Colin UT Bear (who started it with first reply) and Lorna Willetts, Tim Brooks, Ged Hayes, Maurice Thomas, Bruce Dessau, Jacky Carroll, Brian Grogan, The Scorbies, The Patraks, Vic Godard and Georgie, Julianne Regan, Rachel McCarthy, Richard Butchins, Roy Corkill (an impossible task without you, you lovely man), Chris Topham (there are no words to express my thanks), Bruce Thomas (a like-minded thinker who I am humbled to call a friend), Tosh Flood, John Robert Allen, Vicki Cattermoul, Gary Jefferies, Frank Jordan, Lynton Cox and Martin Shuttlecock from Café Spike, Tom Denton, Spike Worsley, Peter Broughton-Rates, Ged Hayes, Graham and all at Viz (you lovely people), John Roberts, David ‘Gibby’ Gibson, Buttz BabyIdol, Dave Bascombe, Jackie Winn, Johnny ‘debonair’ Debonair, Richard Ponsford, Sharon Lacey, Peter Lee Smith, Neil Hughes, Neil Warburton, Clare Bown, Alan Cooke, Jules Scott, Pippa Reid, Nigel Karl Stone, Dee Snelling, Lisa Eaden, Tom and Sue (tomrobinson.com ‘Only The Now’), Steve Hancock, Jamie Kynaston, Andy Kynaston, Dougie Milne, Ty Atkins, Mark Gallacher, Mike Smith, Steve Kifaru, Daz Walters, Amanda Austin, Kavus Torabi, Johnnny and Gaz at Uber Rock, and James Marett at www.oastone.co.uk (without whom the book and website would not exist).
Lastly, I would very much like to thank my son, David, not only for introducing me to such varied music, but for making these letters a textual reality. He has taken my words, comments and questions, and transformed them with cohesion and continuity into the printed form that you see today. He didn’t want to be acknowledged, but I feel it’s only right that he gets the recognition he deserves for all his patience and hard work, and for turning these shenanigans into a reality.
Song credits
With apologies and thanks to the authors of all song lyrics used, who are in no way to blame for the content of outgoing letters:
10cc, ‘I’m Not In Love’ © Schubert Music Publishing Ltd
ABC, ‘When Smokey Sings’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC/EMI Music Publishing/Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Bryan Adams, ‘Everything I Do (I Do It For You)’ © Zachary Creek Music Inc., Miracle Creek Music Inc., Almo Music Corp., 2855 Music, Loon Echo Inc., Brian Adams Music
The Adverts, ‘Gary Gilmore’s Eyes’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Alabama 3, ‘Woke Up This Morning’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG Rights Management US LLC
All About Eve, ‘Martha’s Harbour’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC/Emi Music Publishing Ltd
Anvil, ‘Metal On Metal’ © Peermusic Publishing
Tasmin Archer, ‘Sleeping Satellite’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC
Rick Astley, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Baby Bird, ‘You’re Gorgeous’ © Chrysalis Music Ltd/BMG Rights Management US LLC
Beck, ‘Where It’s At’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
The Bee Gees, ‘Stayin’ Alive’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group
Beyonce, ‘Irreplaceable’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group, Z Songs, EMI Music Publishing, B-Day Publishing, Super Saying Publishing, EMI April Music Inc, Stellar Songs Ltd
Black Grape, ‘Kelly’s Heroes’ © OBO APRA/AMCOS
Black Sabbath, ‘Paranoid’ © TRO Inc.
Bon Jovi, ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Aggressive Music, Bon Jovi Publishing
David Bowie, ‘Ashes To Ashes’ © EMI Music Publishing, Tintoretto Music
Billy Bragg, ‘The Milkman Of Human Kindness’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC/
Captain Sensible, ‘Wot’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, Anglo-Rock, Inc.
The Carpenters, ‘Close To You’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG Rights Management US LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Cher, ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, Realsongs
The Christians, ‘Ideal World’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
The Clash, ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go?’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Colonel Abrams, ‘Trapped’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group
The Communards, ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’ © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.,Universal Music Publishing Group,Warner-tamerlane Publishing Corp.
Culture Club, ‘I’ll Tumble 4 Ya’ © EMI Music Publishing, BMG Rights Management US LLC, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Def Leppard, ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC
Alesha Dixon, ‘The Boy Does Nothing’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing (UK) Limited, Warner/Chappell Music Ltd, Xenomania Songs, MG Rights Management US LLC
Elvis Costello And The Attractions, ‘Oliver’s Army’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Crowded House, ‘Weather With You’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC
Danny Wilson, ‘Mary’s Prayer’ © Nettwerk 1 Music
R Dean Taylor, ‘There’s A Ghost In My House’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Del Amitri, ‘Nothing Ever Happens’ © Polygram Music Publishing Ltd GB
Department S, ‘Is Vic There?’ © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
The Divine Comedy, ‘National Express’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management US LLC
Sophie Ellis-Bextor, ‘Murder On The Dancefloor’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management US LLC
The Eurythmics, ‘Who’s That Girl?’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Fish/Marillion, ‘Sugar Mice’ © Marillion Music, Charisma Music Pub. USA, Inc.
Flowered Up, ‘Take It’ © Universal Music Publishing Group/Notting Hill Music
Franz Ferdinand, ‘Take Me Out’ © Universal Music Publishing Ltd
Free, ‘All Right Now’ © OBO APRA/AMCOS, Blue Mountain Music Ltd, Cohen & Cohen
Dean Friedman, ‘Lydia’ & others referenced © Dean Friedman Music (PRS)
Fun Boy Three/The Gogos, ‘Our Lips Are Sealed’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Peter Gabriel, ‘Sledgehammer’ © Real World Music Ltd, Fox Film Music Corp. OBO Fourteen Ninety Two Music, Universal Music, Careers
Genesis, ‘Follow You Follow Me’ © EMI Music Publishing, Imagem US LLC
Go West, ‘Don’t Look Down’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC/Universal Music Publishing Group/Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Vic Godard & Subway Sect, with kind permission from V Godard for all titles & lyrics used
Gonzalez, ‘I Haven’t Stopped Dancing Yet’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel, ‘Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me)’ © OBO APRA/AMCOS, Music & Media Int’l, Inc.
Haysi Fantayzee, ‘John Wayne Is Big Leggy’ © Carbert Music Inc., Chrysalis Music Ltd
Chesney Hawkes, ‘The One And Only’ © Copyright: Imagem Songs Ltd, Chrysalis Songs
Heaven 17, All titles © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG Rights Management US LLC, © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd, Universal Music Publishing Group,, Royalty Network
Hue & Cry, ‘Labour Of Love’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd, Universal Music Publishing Group
The Human League, ‘Mirror Man’/‘Don’t You Want Me’ © Universal Music Publishing Group/BMG Rights Management US LLC/EMI Music Publishing/Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
The Icicle Works, ‘Love Is A Wonderful Colour’ © Peermusic Publishing
Inspiral Carpets, ‘Dragging Me Down’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management US LLC
It’s Immaterial, ‘Driving Away From Home (Jim’s Tune)’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC, Rosetta Vm Pka Virgin Music Lyrics
Janet Jackson, ‘What Have You Done For Me Lately?’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Joe Jackson, ‘Is She Really Going Out With Him?’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
The Jacksons, ‘Blame It On The Boogie’ © Chrysalis Music Holdings Gmbh, GEMA
The Jam, ‘‘A’ Bomb In Wardour Street’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Jethro Tull, ‘Songs From The Wood’ © The Ian Anderson Group Of Companies Ltd, BMG Rights Management US LLC
JoBoxers, ‘Just Got Lucky’/‘Boxerbeat’ © Sony Music Entertainment Publishing: Imagem/Black Dream Music
Elton John, ‘Candle In The Wind’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Howard Jones, ‘Like To Get To Know You Well’ © OBO APRA/AMCOS, Songs Of Kobalt Music Pub OBO Howard Jones Music America
Judas Priest, ‘Exciter’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Kajagoogooo, ‘Too Shy’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Nik Kershaw, ‘Wouldn’t It Be Good?’ © Imagem Songs Ltd/Universal Music Publishing Group
The Killers, ‘Human’ © Universal Music Publishing Ltd
The Korgis, ‘Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Lady Gaga, ‘Born This Way’ © House Of Gaga Publishing LLC, Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp., Sony/ATV Songs LLC, Universal Music Corp., Garibay Music Publishing, Glostream Music Publishing, Universal-polygram International Publishing Inc.
Level 42, ‘Lessons In Love’ © Universal Music Publishing Ltd
Jona Lewie, ‘You’ll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Living In A Box, ‘Living In a Box’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Madonna, ‘Like A Prayer’ © Emi Blackwood Music Inc., Orangejello Music, Crk Music Inc., Webo Girl Publishing Inc., Universal Music Publishing Ltd, Johnny Yuma Music, Associated Music International Ltd, WB Music Corp. Sire Records, WEA International, Bleu Disque Music Co.
All Mansun references © Universal Music Publishing Ltd, with permission granted by P Draper
Matt Bianco, ‘Get Out Of Your Lazy Bed’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Ralph McTell, ‘Streets Of London’ © TRO Inc.
Mel & Kim, ‘Showing Out’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC/Universal Music Publishing Group/Mike Stock Publishing Limited, Sids Songs Ltd, All Boys Music Ltd
The Members, ‘The Sound Of The Suburbs’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC
The Mock Turtles, ‘Can You Dig It?’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management US LLC
The Moody Blues, ‘Nights In White Satin’ © TRO Inc.
Motorhead, ‘Ace Of Spades’ © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Mr. Mister, ‘Broken Wings’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Panola Park Music, Hanseatic Musikverlag Gmbh & Co. Kg, Ali-aja Music, Indolent Sloth Music, WB Music Corp.
The Only Ones, ‘Another Girl Another Planet’ © P Perrett
Prince, ‘Take Me With You’ © WB Music Corp./Controversy Music/Warner Olive Music LLC, © Universal Music Publishing Group
The Piranhas, ‘Tom Hark’/‘Green Don’t Suit Me’, Kind Permission granted by Bob Grover
Public Image Limited, ‘This Is Not A Love Song’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management US LLC, EMI Music Publishing
REM, ‘Stand’ © Night Garden Music
Republica, ‘Ready To Go’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Right Said Fred, ‘I’m Too Sexy’ © Spirit Music Group
Roachford, ‘Cuddy Toy’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group
Tom Robinson, ‘2-4-6-8 Motorway’ © Conexion Media Group, Inc.
Roxy Music, ‘Dance Away’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, EG Music Ltd
Sad Café, ‘Everday Hurts’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC/EMI Music Publishing
Sailor, ‘A Glass Of Champagne’ © Morris Music, Inc.
Steve Miller Band, ‘Abracadabra’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Saxon, ‘Wheels Of Steel’ © Carlin America Inc.
Sigue Sigue Sputnik, ‘Love Missile F1-11’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
Simply Red, ‘Stars’ © EMI Music Publishing
Smokie, ‘Mexican Girl’/‘Oh Carol’ © BMG Rights Management US LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group/Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Space, ‘Neighbourhood’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Ultra Tunes
Spandau Ballet, ‘Musclebound’ © Reformation Publishing USA
Squeeze, ‘Up The Junction’ © Universal Music Publishing Group
The Specials, ‘A Message To You Rudy’ © Carbert Music Inc., Carlin Music Corp
Stereo MCs, ‘Step It Up’/‘Connected’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management US LLC
Stiff Little Fingers, ‘Gotta Gettaway’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
The Stranglers, ‘Straighten Out’ © Universal Music Publishing Group, Albion Music Ltd,
The Sweet, ‘Blockbuster’ © EMI Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group
Take That, ‘Never Forget’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management US LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Talking Heads, ‘Burning Down The House’ © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Technotronic, ‘Pump Up The Jam’ © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Bogam, BMC Publishing
