Ugly Man, page 7
thing, but that,
yeah, you thought I
was good looking.
I think what I
said was that I
would fuck you in
a millisecond.
Yeah. Well, I
guess you sort of
got over that.
No, I didn’t.
Yeah, right.
I still think you’d
be an amazing
fuck.
Right.
I do.
What, are you
fucking nuts? I’m
sorry.
There’s just
something about
you. It’s not just
the looks,
although there’s
this tragedy to
you, to what the
drugs have done
to your looks,
that’s incredibly
hot. You’ve gone
from really cute
to beautiful in this
scary, profound
way. But it’s not
physical. It’s the
whole thing. It’s
the way you are,
the way you
move, the fucked
up shit, the
boring stuff, what
a loser you are,
the whole thing.
It just gets to me.
You turn me on
even more than
you used to, since
you asked.
Yeah, right.
You’ll be nodding
out, watching TV,
whatever, and I’ll
get hard just
looking at you.
Sometimes when
you’re out of it, I
bury my face in
your crotch just
to smell you.
Yeah, well, I know
that.
Yeah, just
to know what
having you would
be like.
Okay, that’s
enough of that.
That’s just one
example. You
don’t even want
to know.
Shit. If you’d said
that a month ago, I
would’ve fucking
…
What?
I don’t know.
That’s fucked up.
You would have
had sex with me,
or…?
No. I don’t know.
I don’t even
remember…
Remember…
I don’t know. You
know, why? Why,
you know…
don’t know. Fuck,
I hate myself.
I know.
I’m so fucked up.
I’m just a waste. I
just drain the
fucking world. I’m
just a fucking pain
in the ass. There’s
just nothing about
me that means any
fucking thing. I
hate that I’m
fucking alive.
I understand.
I know you
fucking do.
Go ahead and
cry. I don’t mind.
Fuck. I’m so
fucking selfish,
and I don’t even
know what I want.
I don’t understand
myself. I never
did. I don’t know
why I do things or
don’t do things,
and then I don’t
fucking do
anything, and I’m
such a fucking
asshole. I really
fucking hate
myself.
You shouldn’t,
but you’ve never
let anyone help
you.
I let you help me.
Yeah, in your
own weird way.
I want you to help
me, okay? It’s just
…I never
understood why. I
don’t understand
anything. I’m
afraid of you. I’m
afraid of my
fucking self, you
know?
I know.
You know, a
month ago…It’s
just, I don’t know.
What?
I thought about it.
About what?
You know. Just
sort of…you
know. Fuck, you
know what I mean.
Sleeping with me.
Yeah, but…Fuck.
Why are you doing
this shit? You
know what I mean.
I want you to say
it.
Why?
Because I need to
know you really
want it. I need to
know that you’re
sure.
I’m sure.
Then say it.
Make it real.
Fuck. I want…
I’m just going to
say it like this,
because…I hate
that you’re making
me do this. Don’t
fucking look at me.
I thought about
what if…I wanted
to be with God?
Would that be like
your big dream
come true?
Honestly?
Yeah.
If you mean if you
were dead, yeah.
If it were you,
yeah.
It makes a
difference that it’s
me.
A huge difference.
Why?
Because I’d know
who was dying so
it would be heavy
and tragic. You’d
be here, and then
you wouldn’t.
You’d just be
something that
looks like you.
And then it would
look less and less
like you until you
were just a
corpse, a male
corpse.
Because I’d rot.
I wouldn’t let you
rot. I’d fuck you
for a while and
then burn you or
dismember you or
bury you.
Wait. After I was
dead?
I honestly don’t know.
You haven’t said
anything about that
in a while.
Really?
Yeah, you used to
say things. You
used to make these
weird jokes about
it.
I think it’s too
real to be funny
now.
So you’re not
going to kill me?
I was, but…I
don’t know. I
haven’t done it,
have I? So I
honestly don’t
know. I think I
waited too long.
Maybe I never
really wanted to
anyway. Maybe it
was just an idea.
So you aren’t
going to?
Why, do you want
me to?
No. I don’t know.
When I think about
killing myself
sometimes, I do.
But maybe that’s
because I can’t do
it myself. All I
have to do is shoot
too much dope, but
I just can’t. I’ve
tried a couple of
times, obviously.
I know.
But you didn’t let
me die.
I didn’t want it to
happen like that.
I could have made myself
OD when you weren’t
around, but I guess
I was afraid to.
Yeah, well, please
don’t.
I won’t. Wow,
that’s kind of cool.
What is?
You saying please
don’t.
You know…
honestly, you’re
very sweet. It’s a
shame. You
really had
possibilities.
That’s cool.
But I meant
please don’t
because I don’t
want to have to
deal with it. I’d
have to…deal
with it, you
know? I mean
with your body
and the guilt and
all of that.
Oh, right. That
would be fucked
up.
But…I also don’t
want you to die
because I just
don’t want you to,
okay?
Okay.
I can’t believe I
told you that.
So you don’t want
to be boyfriends?
I don’t think you
even know what
that means.
I know what
boyfriends means.
I’m not a fucking
idiot. I had gay
friends and shit. I
just think that way
I could do
something useful,
and maybe you’d
give me some
money, and you’d
maybe get off on
that.
That’s what you
meant?
Yeah, what did you
think?
I thought you
meant boyfriends.
Like normal in
love boyfriends.
Yeah, well…yeah,
I did. I just
thought that’s how
you wanted it.
But aren’t you
straight? I mean
you’ve always
made this big deal
about how you’re
straight.
Fuck off.
And…look, I’m
sort of…I’m not
sure if I…
It’s okay. Forget
it.
No, listen. The
boyfriend thing…
I’ve never even
considered it.
Forget it.
No, I’m saying
maybe that’s the
answer. I’m just
not sure.
I don’t care.
Yeah, you do.
No, why would I?
Oh, you mean
you’re going to
throw me out?
What?
You’re going to kick
me out.
Where the hell
did that come
from?
You will. I
fucking know it. I
never should have
said that. God, I
hate you.
No, that’s the
problem. I don’t
want to throw you
out. I know how
horrible that
would be for you.
I’ve put you and
me in this total
mess. There’s no
solution, and I
don’t know what
in the hell to do.
Yeah, you do. You
want me dead so
you can do your
sex thing and then
feel sad that I’m
dead or whatever.
You just said that.
Ideally, yeah.
Realistically, no.
Didn’t you say
that?
Basically.
Then I don’t
understand.
It’s not a realistic
idea.
But I’ve fucked
everything up, and
you never made it
seem like I was so
…Oh, forget it.
Whatever. I really
don’t care.
Look, you’re
straight.
Fuck you.
And you’re a
junkie. You
chose that. You
don’t care about
anything but
doing dope.
How do you
fucking know?
What, I’m
wrong?
I…Fuck, man.
What?
You know what
I’m going to say.
No, I don’t. This
is your problem.
You don’t give me
anything. You
just assume I’m
so interested in
you that I know
what you think.
Fuck. You don’t
love me.
What?
You don’t love me,
right? You don’t
fucking love me,
right? That’s what
you’re saying.
You’re not even
gay. You’re such
a junkie, you
don’t even think
about things like
that.
Fuck off.
What?
You know fucking
what. Shit.
I honestly don’t.
Fuck you. You
know I’m gay.
You know I just
can’t fucking deal
with it. I hate that
you do that. I just
hate that you do
that.
Chris.
What?!
I don’t think you
know what you
are.
Yeah, I do.
Then why haven’t
you given me a
sign? I would
have fucked you
in a second. You
know that. You
knew it would
have been a
disaster, but I
would have done
it in a second.
You know why I
didn’t.
Because you
aren’t really gay
and when you
thought about the
sex you couldn’t
do it.
No, because people
want what they
can’t have and all
that shit. They
make things they
can’t have into
more than they are,
and…you know,
that’s the one thing
I had, that I have,
that you…like me
or whatever so
much and it
doesn’t make any
sense.
It makes total
sense.
Yeah, well, I don’t
think so.
Look, from
your perspective, have
you ever had
anyone in your
life like me, who
accepts you so
unconditionally,
who wants to
spend all their
time with you,
and who gives you
anything you
want?
Yeah, my uncle.
Who you loved.
Yeah, and who
fucking died
because of me.
So what else do
you need to
know?
What? I don’t
know what the
fuck you’re saying.
Your paranoia
aside, I’ve never
wavered in my
interest in you.
What are you
saying?
I don’t know
what I’m saying.
I’m just saying it.
Forget it. It’s just
fucking bullshit
anyway.
What is?
You want to fuck
me but you don’t
want to fuck me or
I don’t know.
I do.
Bullshit. I don’t
want to do it
anyway. You’d
just hate me after
that.
You’re the one
who’d hate me.
No, I wouldn’t.
Why, what do you
think you’d feel?
It depends on what
you felt.
What do you
think I’d feel?
That I’m an ugly,
skinny piece of shit
who’s boring in
bed.
You don’t get it.
What?
Do you think
you’re that hot?
Has your life been
filled with guys
and girls
obsessing on
