Prisms, page 1
Table of Contents
PRISMS
WE COME IN THREES
ENCORE FOR AN EMPTY SKY
THE GIRL WITH BLACK FINGERS
THE SHIMMERING WALL
IN THIS, THERE IS NO STING
THE BIRTH OF VENUS
FIFTY SUPER-SAD MAD DOG SUI-HOMICIDAL SELF-SIBS, ALL IN A LEAKY TIN CAN HEAD
RIVERGRACE
SAUDADE
THERE IS NOTHING LOST
THIS HEIGHT AND FIERY SPEED
THE MOTEL BUSINESS
EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IS ALSO A LIE
THE GEARBOX
DISTRICT TO CERVIX: THE TIME BEFORE WE WERE BORN
HERE TODAY AND GONE TOMORROW
THE SECRETS OF MY PRISON HOUSE
A LUTA CONTINUA
I SHALL BUT LOVE THEE BETTER
PRISMS
PRISMS
EDITED BY DARREN SPEEGLE AND MICHAEL BAILEY
WE COME IN THREES
B. E. Scully
It begins with a spider.
The Artist lies on the bed, not moving. Watching the spider move. Soon he will have to get up, drink water, eliminate, move his body. Stay alive.
But not yet.
The Artist swings his feet to the floor and groans. The room is too bright today, the walls too white. He checks the paper calendar tacked beside the room’s only window. The tack is in the form of a golden rooster, but the calendar is plain. It is the seventeenth, which adds up to eight. An uncertain number for the Artist. A tricky number.
Today, the seventeenth of March—the day of the week does not concern him—the Artist turns his gaze toward his canvas. The work is almost finished, but he cannot concentrate. He is too hungry.
His feet slide against a finely woven woolen rug on the floor by the bed. The rug is patterned with dark blooms of flowers entangled in vines. The Artist craves the sensation of the rug against his feet, and leaves it reluctantly. Soon the Woman will come, and he is very hungry.
It isn’t thirst that drives him. He can access all the water he needs from a small porcelain sink by the toilet. No, it isn’t thirst but Hunger that consumes him.
If not for the Woman, he would starve.
The water tastes cold today, cold and metallic. The Artist approaches his canvas, begins to work. He does not—cannot—think of Time. Of Food. Of the Woman.
And yet how not to think of the things that sustain him?
The Artist looks up from what he has just painted. He looks for the Spider, but it is no longer there. Or no longer visible. The artist is painting the Woman—or a representation of the Woman. And yet it isn’t a woman at all. It’s a girl—long dark curls and heart-shaped face. Fine, thin hands and pale skin that tears easily beneath thorns and fingers alike.
And yet she isn’t a girl, either, not really. The Artist knows this, of course.
He dabbles in his paint pots, adjusts the Cadmium Yellow with some unexpected Rosewater Blue.
Of course, he knows. He is waiting for—he is painting—not a woman, not a girl, but the Page. He gently presses the brush to the canvas, then harder, a violent slash. Why does he always get confused about the Page? Not a girl, but a boy. A girlish boy. Or a boyish girl?
The Artist throws down his brush in disgust. She is so like a girl, and yet so not. That’s why he calls her the Page.
Of course, he knows.
He picks up his brush again but does not paint.
The Page will come soon. Must come. If not for the Page, the Hunger would conquer him. He has been in this room a long time—many turns of the Wheel, at times hard and fast, at times sweet and/or agonizingly slow. Sometimes stuck fast and not turning at all. But eventually, ever onwards, all to get here, to this room. To work on his projects and wait for the Skeleton to come riding in on his sad-eyed, sway-backed horse, sword hanging limp but not flaccid in his fine, thin hand.
The Hunger has distracted him again.
The Artist puts down his brush, selects another. Dark, dusky green paint this time. A swirl around the Page’s head. Another to gild the Sword, for this one is the troubled Page of Swords. Nothing limp about this one.
It is not a work of Surrealism, though symbolic, of course.
The Artist was not always consumed with this Hunger. At one point, he had overcome food altogether, going for days on nothing but bananas and fermented juice. But his soul grew leaner along with his body, until the hunger became starvation. Now, once a day the Page comes with a plain silver tray. It always holds the same thing: two cubes, one white, one black. He can consume one of the cubes—one, and only one.
The cubes differ not just in color, but in content. One contains Life—nutrients, protein, the stuff of the molecular strand. The other contains Death—poison, plain and lethally simple. One food, one fatal. The Artist thinks of the switch-’em-up card games he used to watch the men play on the streets outside his childhood home. Which one is which? Keep your eye on the prize, boyo, now you see it, now you don’t.
The colors of the cubes reveal nothing of what is inside. He does not know which contains the poison and which contains the food. He does not know if the poison is meant to kill him quickly or slowly. But kill him it will, if he chooses incorrectly one too many times. Or perhaps even just one time, the first and last, if the poison proves fatal enough someday.
The Artist does not know.
The Page never indicates which is which, never helps him decide. Never so much as lifts an eyebrow or turns up a corner of the mouth. She always stands silently, waiting. She neither speaks nor moves until after he’s eaten his chosen cube. Then, if he does not ask her to stay, she leaves as silently as she’s come. If he does, she sets the tray and the unchosen cube outside the door and returns to him for the afternoon.
The Artist pauses, lets his eyes go out of focus. Long ago, did he first ask her to stay, or did she ask him? Perhaps she stayed on her own, without being asked. The Artist is pleased with this version.
He remembers very little of life outside this room.
For years he kept an elaborate chart, trying to discern the pattern of the cubes. For there is always a pattern. White or black, food or poison? But in Time the Artist realized that his pattern was not to choose.
One choice Life, one choice Death. Eventually, the Artist stopped caring. He came to suspect there wasn’t any difference in the cubes at all, or if there was, it had lost its meaning.
“But did it ever have any meaning in the first place?” he asks, laughing, and adds a streak of black to the canvas.
One day, when the time came to choose, the Artist did not. Instead, he closed his eyes and spun around the room, spun so hard and fast that he no longer knew which way was up and which way was down. No matter how tempting, he did not open his eyes. Did not peek or call out for help.
Once thoroughly unmoored from spinning, he reached out. Kept reaching until he touched the tray. Found a cube. Ate it, eyes still wide shut. When he opened them again, there were no more cubes on the tray. He did not know which one he had eaten. He did not know what the Page had done with the uneaten cube.
It has been like this for many years now. The Artist does not choose, and does not see the cube he has not-chosen.
And so he goes on making his Art, and sleeping, and drinking, and hungering.
Today, the seventeenth of March, the day that adds up to a problematic eight, the Artist waits. His Hunger can be endured no more. Only this day the Artist does not hear the familiar turn of the handle telling him it is Time. This day he hears a thud, a falling. A something, out in the corridor. Confused, he stands, turns in a circle, moves toward ...
... the door rattles once in the frame and goes silent. The Page lies in bed, listening, and soon the chime tinkles once, twice, then the third time, the tricky, elusive third that sometimes still sets her teeth on edge just waiting for it to come. The third sometimes sounds like a cascade, sometimes like a kaleidoscope, sometimes like cacophony. Sometimes it is so faint she almost misses it, though what is there to miss? There is only one chime, really, one room, one job.
To feed the Artist.
She swings her feet to the ground, stands up, stretches. The open window lets in a gust of rain-wet air, and the Page lifts her head toward it. A womb, this room—safe, familiar, sealed off. Only one way out: down the dizzying corridor carpet of interlocking squares and circles that sometimes still cause her to stumble, to lose her way.
“Stop looking down then!” the Artist says, laughing. But it’s a hard habit to break, looking down.
Only one destination: down the hall and to the left and past the potted stands of oregano to the Artist’s room.
But first she must go to the Office, which, unlike the Artist’s room, is right next door.
Today, the seventeenth day of March, the Page pulls on a pair of linen pants that reach no farther than her ankles, and a long, plain tunic. Her short black hair needs no special tending. When she does check the mirror, she is often shocked. She is growing older, of course, and yet sometimes the mirror shows the same young girl she once was.
Is memory fooling her, or the mirror?
Not that it matters. Wh
The Page cannot know what another sees. No one can.
How old is she now anyway?
Menstruation doesn’t help her keep track. Sometimes she bleeds, gushing rivulets of blood, viscous and alive at first, then blackened and ropey like food left to turn. Sometimes she must ask the Management for new clothes, her body grows so fat and round, then other times her clothes are as small and narrow as a child’s. At such times, she looks more like a boy—a child—than a woman. She does not know how the Artist prefers her, and she does not care.
She is no prisoner. She can leave when she wants, and does. She tends a small garden, walks in the park, feeds the birds. Attends a weekly dance class, studies languages, takes a lover. Why would she wish for more? She has the Artist; or, more to the point, she has Art. She is not an Artist herself, nor does she wish to be. She does not wish to long like that, to hunger so greatly and be fed so little. To be so alone, in a barren white room with barren white walls save the ones he fills. No, her job is to feed the Artist what little he gets. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sometimes the Provider is in the Office, at the desk, and sometimes he is in the back, in the rooms where the Page never goes. She has never seen beyond the desk. Today the door is open, but there is no one inside. Like every other day, she wishes there was more food, that she had more to offer. But she only has what the Provider provides: two small discs of bread, one black, one white. The discs are placed on a wooden tray with two indentations made to match the discs perfectly, so that the tray’s surface is almost flat.
The Artist’s stomach, she has been told, can tolerate nothing else. A poor digestive system, years of unwholesome living. All that. She doesn’t know when he is hungry, or if he ever eats more than she gives him. She only knows that when the chime rings out, including the tricky third one, she reports to the Office, receives the tray of bread, and takes it to the Artist.
But that is almost a lie. For the Page does know when the Artist is hungry—all the time, perhaps even in his sleep.
And who wouldn’t be, eating so little?
Though she’s never been told, the Page knows that one of the discs has poison in it. Her duties are precise, her instructions complete, but her knowledge is minimal. She knows nothing of the Artist except for his work; he knows nothing of her except for the food.
Nevertheless, she smelled the poison immediately, her very first day. She would happily have eaten the bread first, to poison herself and spare the Artist. But she was not allowed to touch the bread, ever. Touching the bread was forbidden.
The Page believed in the Sacred, but she was no Priest, nor even a Queen. She didn’t dare remove the discs from their sunken circles on the tray. But slowly, cautiously, she began to scrape bits off the top of the bread—not touching it really, but...scraping it. To eat of each disc of bread by small degrees; to learn the taste of the poison. Even though she could neither speak nor move until the Artist had eaten, she would have found a way to protect the Artist, to discover and communicate to him which disc of bread could feed and which could foil.
But she never did either. Sometimes she was certain she knew which piece was poison; other times she was equally certain that both discs were poisoned, or neither. Once, in a fever dream, it occurred to her that the Artist might sometimes even want the poisoned disc, might choose it on purpose. For what if what was poison to her was sustenance to him? Or what if poison and sustenance can be the same thing?
The Page does not know.
One day the Artist began not choosing the bread but instead closing his eyes and spinning around the room, faster and faster until he stopped and stumbled forward, until he found her. Then he reached out, and how easy it would have been then to guide his hand, to determine his choice!
But she never had known which choice to guide him towards.
It has been a long time since the Page last tasted the bread. She is sick; she can feel it deep in her body. When the blood last came, it smelled feral, ancient. Soon she will no longer be able to take care of the Artist. Soon she will die.
Today, the Office is empty. The Page picks up the wooden tray with the two discs, one white, one black, each sunken in its circle.
Down the corridor and past the potted oregano, and at the Artist’s door she pauses, listening—strains of music. The song he’s been working on, in the strange minor key. As she stands at the door, she admits a truth she could not until now: the Provider is trying to kill the Artist. She has noticed, of course, that the discs keep getting smaller and smaller, the bread coarser and meaner, the time between the chime longer and longer. Of course the Provider is trying to kill the Artist, and using her to do it. She knows this, and can do nothing about it. And might not, even if she could.
For what to do?
Her job is to feed the Artist. Nothing more, nothing less.
And yet she cannot bear to watch the Artist starve to death. She cannot bear to see him die, even though everything of course must die, and will. Selfishly, she would rather die first, and is secretly pleased that she will. An even more secret part is glad, too, that the Artist will miss her, will suffer without her, even for a short time until another Page can be found.
She stands at the door, listening to the minor fall and the major lift. She pictures the Artist seated, playing his instrument with long-fingered hands. Today, she thinks but does not say, I will choose for you—I will choose which disc of bread, white or black, black or white, life or death.
But which one?
She reaches out and breaks the sacred—picks up a disc of bread and turns it over, hands trembling so hard she is certain she’ll drop it.
But she does not.
She places the disc back on the tray and picks up the other one. Turns it over, too, turning and turning as if she were a magician conjuring a trick.
And perhaps she is, because now she sees: the back of the white disc is black; the back of the black disc is white.
Whiteblackdeathlifeblackwhitelifedeathwhitelifeblackdeathwhit-edeathblacklife...
The Page drops the tray, drops the discs. Inside the room, the Artist looks up from his work. He stands, confused, moves toward...
...the door of the Office is closed, but unlocked. The Provider doesn’t remember leaving it unsecured. He shrugs, sighs, shakes his head. It doesn’t matter—the food will be here soon.
He goes and stands in front of his favorite object in the room: a full length mirror in an enormous, obscene gilt frame with naked cherubs and doves and vines holding up the cosmos. He stands straight, facing forward. He is overweight, belly round and pendulous. He has more hair on his face now than the top of his head. He is grotesque, enormous, resplendent. As heavy and earthbound as the Pages are slight and ethereal. Beasts versus birds.
Versus? He is not at war with the Pages, although the Pages are often at war with him, or think they are. He is not at war with the Artist, either. He has given up years of his life to see the Artist finish his great tale. Or at least keep writing, even if the epic tale never gets told, or partly told, or even poorly told.
For someone must tell the tales, and someone must feed the tale-tellers.
Although it grieves him, he is neither of those people.
The Pages don’t know it yet, but in seven days’ time the Provider will no longer be working here. No one has fired him, and no one has asked him to leave. He requires neither to know it is true.
Although he has worked in this Office a very long time—longer than either the Page or the Artist—his leaving neither surprises nor frightens him. He has always had other arrangements, other possibilities. He would have been a fool to think only of this situation, this Artist.
And yet.
He isn’t worried about the Pages. Each is clever in his or her own way, clever and resourceful. He is worried, of course, about the Artist. Needlessly, foolishly, arrogantly. Worrying about the Artist is not his job. His job is to keep the Office running, to make certain the food is there each day for the Page to take to the Artist. Although the Page thinks the Provider knows everything—that he is in on the whole thing—in fact, he knows very little.
