Capacity, page 27
I shook my head at the unfortunate details and let my shoulders drop. “What are you going to do? That’s a lot to take in.”
“I know. I’m letting her stay at my place but it’s fucking weird. She’s a total stranger to me. She’s amazing and we talk all the time but I keep waiting for that connection parents have to their kids to pop up. It’s not there.” He shrugged his shoulders and sighed.
“How old is she?”
“Twenty-one. She lived twenty-one years without me. I don’t mind but I don’t feel like she’s my child even though I know she is.”
“You can’t expect a connection to form instantaneously, T.”
“I wish it would.” His words held a shadowy veil that masked the thoughts in his mind.
“Let her stay with you for a little while if you trust her. The relationship will grow organically from there.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.”
“Don’t worry about it, man. Look at it as a blessing. It’s a blessing twenty-one years later but a blessing nonetheless. You got a picture of her? What’s her name?”
He handed me his phone with a half-smile and said, “Her name is Rivia. She’s beautiful.”
She was beautiful. She had honey-brown skin the same complexion as Terrence’s with big brown eyes that made her look younger than twenty-one and the picture of innocence.
“Congrats, Dad. It’s a girl,” I laughed handing him the phone.
“Yeah, thanks,” he scoffed. He stole one more glance at the picture on his phone before tucking it in his pocket.
“You’re going to be fine, T. You’re in a good place in your life and the universe is putting Rivia in your path for a reason. Hopefully, you can build a relationship with her.”
“Hopefully…”
We spent an hour talking about ways to make Rivia feel comfortable in her new living situation and how T would adjust to having a woman in his house. He’d been alone for so long he didn’t know how to handle having anyone else in his space.
“You gotta help me out, Knight. I have no idea what to do with her.”
“She’s grown. You don’t have to do anything. She doesn’t have to go to school, she has a job, and she doesn’t need you to cook for her.”
“I mean I don’t know how to forge a relationship.”
“You said you two talk a lot, right? That’s a great start.”
“We talk but it doesn’t feel like father-daughter shit.”
“It doesn’t have to. The whole point is to establish some kind of relationship. It doesn’t have to be a traditional father-daughter relationship. It can be a friendship. Just be happy there’s something.”
“You know what, Knight? You’re right. Some kind of relationship is better than nothing.”
I was happy to see the storm cloud lift from his expression. I could tell he was still struggling with something but I knew Terrance and if he wanted to talk about he would. I knew I’d be there for him whenever he needed to talk because he was always there for me.
After lunch with Terrence, I got a call from Mr. Wells. He asked if I could meet him at the house and I, of course, jumped at the chance. He and Mrs. Wells had been on my mind after Lumi got back from Texas.
“Knight, come on in. I’m glad to see your face.” Something was different about his eyes. He hugged me then we walked inside. I noticed the space where Mrs. Wells’ hospital bed used to sit, swallowing most of their living room, was gone. A blank space was there instead.
I knew right away what was wrong with his eyes.
His light was gone.
I hung my head and pulled in a breath. “Mr. Wells.” I swallowed hard, begging my own selfish tears not to surface.
“She’s gone, Knight. Penny is gone. She died six days ago and my life has been hell ever since. Even though I saw it coming, I could never imagine the pain of it.”
I had no words. So, I pulled him in for a hug that spoke louder than my mouth ever could. I knew the pain he was dealing with and I knew it would take him a while to heal. It brought my pain rushing to the surface but instead of drowning in it, I let it wash over me.
There was no denying the presence of painful memories but they didn’t soak me to the bone like they normally did. I was forever grateful for that. It may have taken me years but I was finally starting to heal the healthy way.
“I wanted to personally thank you for everything you did for us, Knight. Penny loved you. She thought you were amazing and I have to say she was right.” We took a seat on the couch and I couldn’t take my eyes off that empty space.
I’d been there. I remembered staring at the empty space left behind when Hazel died. Hospice took back their hospital bed and got it ready for the next person who needed it and my life was left gaping.
“Her funeral is in a couple of days and I’d be honored if you came. I’ll be using some of the photos you took for the program and slide show and since you’ve gotten close to us, I feel it’s right for you to come. I understand if it’s too close to home for you.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m grateful that you asked me to come. Of course I’ll be there, Mr. Wells.”
“Call me Ron.” He inhaled and fixed his eyes to the blank space in his living room that I’m sure echoed the blank space in his heart. “I’m a part of a grief and transitioning group for spouses at the hospital and I’ve told all sixty-two members about your services. I’ve shown them examples of your work and handed out your information. Every single one of them wants to book a session with you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Mind?” I let out a soft chuckle. “Mr. Wells…I mean Ron, you have no idea how huge that is.”
“It’s the least I could do. I look back at these pictures and…” he shook his head, composing himself. “I don’t know how I would have found the ability to smile if it weren’t for the love you captured between us.” He patted my back and stood. “I don’t want to keep you but I did want to look you in the eye and tell you what a good man you are, Knight Cunningham.”
A good man.
Me.
I was stunned silent. I’d spent the last two years thinking I was the dirt people found when they hit rock bottom. I thought I was the lowest of the low and beyond redemption. Hearing that I was a good man not only from Mr. Wells, but from Lumi and Terrence made me actually believe it.
The spiky feeling of self-doubt and loathing melted away, leaving behind self-love and acceptance. I wasn’t perfect but I was a good man and that’s all I ever wanted to be.
I thanked Mr. Wells and assured him that I’d be in attendance at his wife’s funeral. I didn’t tell him about the candid pictures I’d snapped of them because I wanted it to be a welcome surprise after he was done with one of the hardest day of his life. I decided right then that I’d offer the same courtesy to all my clients free of charge. After hearing I’d have an onslaught of business, I wanted to be ready. If I could wade through the pain of reliving my past through the Wells’ then I could take on other clients and do the same. I would continue to heal through my passion while helping others heal in the process. It was more than I could ask for.
I was turning into the man I thought was a figment of my imagination. I was living my life in honor of Hazel and I hoped she was proud.
…
CHAPTER 21
Summertime…
I couldn’t stop smiling. From the ceremony to the pictures outside with Zach in his cap and gown. I was so proud of him for graduating I could’ve popped in a shower of confetti. I knew Knight was proud too but he had to tend to all of the students and not just Zach.
I let him have his moment with the handful of classmates he’d gotten close to but when we were alone afterward at Coco’s house, I pulled him to the side. The smile in his soft brown eyes let me know he expected me to be mushy. He was right. I touched the side of his face and smiled.
“I’m so proud of you, Zach. I’m serious. I see you brushing it off already but I’m not gonna allow you to brush off how far you’ve come. You could have never reached out to me. You could have stayed right where you were but you didn’t. Now, you’re light years away from that quiet kid who came to my office every day to wait out homeroom, lying about having a headache.”
He cracked a bashful smile then pulled me in for a hug. “But you played a huge part in that, Lumi. You were down for me from the beginning. There aren’t a lot of adults out there like you. Most of them don’t care but you do. I sensed that. Thank you for stepping up and being a mom when I needed one.”
“Yo, come on Zach. Let’s go before there’s nowhere to park at the party.” Luke bounced around the corner wearing the rightfully giddy smile of a kid who just graduated high school. He was going to a party with a bunch of other seniors and even though I was nervous about letting Zach go, I did. I wanted him to make memories and have fun. I wanted him to experience living after being stained by death.
He looked at me and smiled before kissing my forehead. “I’ll text you, I promise,” he said walking toward the door. I waved and waited until he got into the car with Luke before I turned to Coco and let the tears out.
“Aww, Lumi,” she chuckled but she had tears in her eyes too. “I know you didn’t raise him but it’s emotional seeing a kid growing up, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is.” I squeezed her hand once we broke our embrace and watched Luke’s car pull off. “He thanked me for being a mom when he didn’t have one,” I sniffed, moving to the couch.
“Oh god, I’d be crying too.”
“I never thought of myself as even a stand-in mom for him. I just wanted to help. I wanted him to feel like he had someone in his corner.”
“That’s what moms do. We help. We stand by quietly, well…sometimes not so quietly and we cheer them on. That’s what you did for Zach. I know Kaiden isn’t here anymore but you’re still a mom, Lumi. Nothing is going to change that.”
I wiped my eyes and thanked her. It meant a lot to hear her say that. Even though I didn’t have my own child to mother, it didn’t stop my motherly love from shining through. I was okay with not having kids after Kaiden because I knew I’d always be faced with chances to help kids through working at Lakeview.
“Ooh girl, Knight is calling. Is it time for us to head over to his place already?” She checked her watch and I picked up the phone before it stopped ringing. Me, Coco, Andrew, Mom, Terrence and Knight were all meeting at his house to celebrate graduation and life in general. We had so much to be grateful for that it seemed right to use Zach’s graduation as a celebration for all of it.
“Hey, Knight,” I smiled into the phone.
“Hey, where are you guys? Terrance is here and your mother just walked through the door. How in the hell do you let your own mother beat you here?”
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” I stood and motioned for Coco and Andrew to hurry up.
“I want to see your face here in front of me in twenty minutes, Lumi Foster.”
“Yes sir,” I laughed.
“I’ll turn that into a yes Daddy later on,” his voice was low and gruff. It made my knees turn to mush.
…
We all arrived at Knight’s place in twenty-five minutes and when I walked in, it sounded like the party was already going. I hugged my mother coming in the door and found Terrance in the kitchen quietly laughing and talking to the tiniest, most adorable girl I’d ever seen.
“Hey, T,” I grinned making my way to him. He stretched out his long arms for a hug then pulled back to look at me. I heard we have a lot to celebrate,” he said.
“Any day I’m above ground is a day to celebrate,” I told him. I flicked my eyes to the girl stuck to his side then back at him. “So um…wanna introduce me to your…”
“Daughter. Lumi, this is my daughter, Rivia.” My eyes grew wide and I nodded quickly. I was so glad I didn’t go with my first assumption. I’d heard Terrance talk about his newfound daughter, Rivia but I hadn’t met her yet. I don’t know what I was expecting but the woman in Knight’s kitchen wasn’t it.
I knew she was twenty-one but in person, Rivia looked like a teenager with big doe eyes and a dusting of copper freckles across the bridge of her nose. She was gorgeous. She clung to Terrance like she was afraid he’d vanish any minute if she moved from his side.
“Oh my goodness! Rivia, it’s so nice to finally meet you!” I swallowed my embarrassment and gave her a warm hug. “You have such a beautiful name.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes lit up in response.
“Hey, I see you met Rivia,” Knight said from behind me.
“Yeah, I was just telling her how beautiful her name is.”
I noticed her burrow deeper into Terrance’s side while I spoke to Knight. He tugged on my hand and I excused myself so we could go into the living room. “Why didn’t you tell me she was here? I thought she was Terrance’s…” I swept my gaze around the living room full of our family and friends and lowered my voice. “I thought she was his girlfriend.”
“They’re really close, that’s all.”
“That’s beautiful.” My smile brightened genuinely. It was good to see Terrence happy.
“You know what else is beautiful?” Knight touched my chin and turned me to face everyone in the room. He held me from behind and rested his clasped hands on my stomach. “All these people are here to celebrate with us.”
“That is beautiful,” I nodded.
“You know what else is even more beautiful?”
“What?” I said, a hint of laughter hanging on my voice.
“Your face after this moment.”
“What’s happening after this moment?” I quizzed, turning to look at him. My brows knitted together as I looked between him and everyone else. They were all staring at me with heart eyes and I had no idea why.
Knight dropped to one knee, holding my hands in his while he looked up at me. My heart stuttered in my chest, refusing to relinquish my next breath. I blinked rapidly forcing the tears back. I wanted to see every second of what was happening.
“Lumi Foster, you stole my breath away the moment I saw you in The Pour People. I gravitated toward your light and I made a promise to you that if you would smile for me, I’d go to my AA meeting and actually take it seriously. You smiled for me and it changed my entire life. I want to make you smile every day for the rest of our lives.” He pulled out a black box from his pocket and cracked it open revealing a beautiful diamond ring that glittered under the light. Everyone in the room gasped and gushed quietly. “Lumi, will you marry me?”
“Yes!” I squeaked. I covered my face with trembling hands as I watched him remove the engagement ring and hold it between his fingers. He took my left hand gingerly and slipped the ring on my fourth finger. Instead of kissing the back of my hand, he kissed the scar on my left wrist and only I knew that it meant he thought I was beautiful. It reduced me to tears.
I tried so hard to hold them back but it was no use. My stomach flopped when he stood to kiss my lips. I’d never get tired of staring up into his sapphire eyes and feeling my heart flutter.
“I love you, Knight,” I said quietly against his lips.
“I love you too, Lumi.”
Cheers and applause rang through the air and my smile grew bigger and bigger. Knight was right. Seeing everyone gathered around and celebrating life was beautiful.
It was beautiful because I knew the struggle and sacrifice it took for me to stand there. I could have given up and decided my life was over, and as much as I wanted to…I didn’t. I didn’t walk down that dark and twisted path anymore because there was nothing for me at the end.
I fought my way through the immense grief of losing my only child. I closed my heart off. I swore I didn’t have the capacity to ever love again. Nothing would have made me believe otherwise. Then Knight came along and showed me that everything I believed was wrong. Every negative notion I seared into my mind was bullshit.
We pulled each other out of the mud and rinsed each other clean.
We were new.
We were healed.
Now, we had each other for as long as time would allow. If I had my way, time would spin golden strands of forever just for us.
I knew things wouldn’t work that way but I’d lost enough to know that I would appreciate every second I got with Knight. Time wasn’t promised but love was and I had enough love to outlive me. I had a love that would be talked about for generations to come. It tested my limits and obliterated my boundaries in the best way. I’d always be grateful for the way Knight came in and changed everything.
My golden boy.
My love.
My forever.
THE END
Perfectly Warped
Coming soon…
TERRANCE…
One year clean and sober. I walked out of my AA meeting feeling good but still not as euphoric as other members. I remembered thinking some golden fucking halo would drop from the sky and sit on top of my head once I’d been alcohol-free for one year.
Well, not really but I thought I’d feel different. Instead, I felt like I wanted a fucking drink. I was still a train wreck.
I pulled my leather jacket tight around myself as a sharp wind zipped past me. I turned my head, avoiding the harsh winter air trying to force the breath from my lungs.
That’s when I saw her.
I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at her. I felt like a teenager at the mall seeing a fine girl for the first time. I narrowed my eyes seemingly against the cold but actually, I was trying to see if this angel in front of me was real.
She was petite, only coming to the center of my chest but her curves were anything but petite. They were deep long strokes from God’s finest brush. The swell of her breasts was noticeable even beneath the red pea coat she had on. Her waist was tiny in comparison to her full hips and I knew without even looking behind her that she had one hell of an ass.
Her body was the cherry on top. Her honey brown face was cherubic with rounded cheeks, a button nose, full glossy lips and the biggest doe eyes I’d ever seen. She was flawless and she was looking right at me like I was the sole reason she was standing there.
