String of Tears, page 26
She sure didn’t know how it all worked, but the energy from his hand to hers flowed easily, and then went back up his arm and disappeared into the distance.
Despite the bizarre lightning threads, it felt right. It felt like this was meant to be. She closed her eyes and let out a happy sigh. If she could just stay here, like this, she knew that her life would be peaceful and calm forever.
At that thought, her eyelids popped open. Maybe this was forever. Was this heaven? Was this hell? Or was this just the stasis in between? She had no idea; she’d never been dead before. She almost laughed at that because of course she had. She’d been dead for a couple days, according to what the doctor had said during her first of two recent hospital stays. And now here she was, floating in this weird space, wondering if she’d been here before.
She searched her surroundings to see if anything was familiar, if anything made her heart smile with recognition. Something was comforting about this place, but it wasn’t so much that she knew it as much as she recognized it. Maybe from a book or a dream or even a vision.
She wasn’t sure how to put this recognition into words. The three energy workers all seemed to think she had more skills than she would acknowledge, but she had no idea what they were talking about. Yet she’d managed to lift her soul, her spirit up and out of her body in the hospital this last time, plus had spoken with Hurricane mentally. That was a telepathic connection, according to the research she had done, when he wasn’t watching.
That research had taken her down a rabbit hole of various kinds, but she knew none of those research papers or articles in any way described what she was currently experiencing. The sense of well-being continued, and her body glowed with this golden light. She wasn’t sure whether that was her light or Dr. Maddy’s or even Hurricane’s. When she heard Dr. Maddy’s comforting voice in her mind, she smiled. Thanks for acknowledging your presence.
Hey, it’s the least I can do, the other woman replied softly. We’re really here to help. You know that.
You are, she murmured. I’m not sure about Hurricane.
At that, a jolt in the energy stream came from him to her. You better believe it, he replied, his voice strong and caring. I wouldn’t be here if this wasn’t what was best for you.
She smiled. Every child feels the same way when their parents force them to take their medicine because it’s good for them, she murmured.
I get it, he noted. This is very foreign to you.
At that, Dr. Maddy whispered, Or maybe not so foreign at all. You’re very in tune with this. You’re very … comfortable, and you seem to have already adapted. I can flow through your system easily.
That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Jewel asked, then noted Maddy’s hesitation. Not such a good thing then? she asked in a dry tone. She wondered at no one being upset or even questioning her words. You tell me then, she murmured. What does it mean?
Dr. Maddy hesitated still for a moment, then murmured, I sense a wall here. I sensed something when I was in last time, but I was more concerned about helping you to heal and to get back to full awareness of what was going on.
Is this wall blocking my memories?
It could be, yes, she answered, and it could also be blocking your history. It could be blocking what happened to you when you died, and it could be trying to keep you safe.
So, it is my own creation, or … is it something somebody else has done?
What you need to remember, Dr. Maddy began, her voice hesitant, yet soothing, is that, even if it is from somebody else, you have allowed it.
At that, Jewel sucked in her breath, but immediately Hurricane sent more calming energy to pacify her fight-or-flight response.
It’s all right, he told her. We’re working away on checking everything out. I know what Dr. Maddy just said came as a bit of a shock, but, even if it turns out to be somebody else’s energy, it really just means that it’s probably somebody you knew, somebody you cared about. It’s very common within relationships to have an exchange, so to speak, of energy.
And in bad relationships? Jewel asked.
In that case, Maddy explained, we have what’s known as hooks, and hooks can exist in good relationships too. The trouble comes when it starts becoming more about one person versus the other.
What do you mean? Jewel asked.
When somebody is needier than the other, they’ll have a hook that drains a little more energy from the one person, and sometimes you give a little too much to that needy person, so you feed that hook a little more than you should. So, when they leave, you’re tired, or, when they go to sleep, you can cut back that flow and rest and reenergize yourself.
But there isn’t anybody in my life like that.
No, so that means it’s from your history. This wall of yours, Dr. Maddy noted, her voice sounding more distant, I’m standing in front of it.
What? You are?
Dr. Maddy replied, Think about me, think about the wall, and picture yourself standing beside me.
Jewel blinked at that, but suddenly she was there, looking at a beautiful woman standing beside her. Maddy? she asked.
Yes, that’s me, Maddy replied. It’s hard to see my features though, isn’t it?
It is and it isn’t, Jewel noted. You’re tall. You have long dark hair. Your skin is beautiful, but it’s the glow around you that I recognize.
At that, Dr. Maddy laughed gently. That’s my energy. Now, with me beside you, turn and look at the wall in front of you. You will have to think that you are actually looking at it.
When Jewel turned, this craggy monster of a cliff sat in front of her. Good God. She reached out a hand and Maddy grasped it in hers.
Maddy said, Take a moment to look at it first. Do you see that it’s sheer-faced, so you can’t climb it? Do you see that it’s smooth, so you can’t reach for anything to hang on to? Do you see how hard it is, without even touching it?
Jewel nodded. It looks like rock, like granite of some kind.
It’s darker than that, but it could be, Maddy noted. This is in your mind, and it’s been here all this time. Then Maddy stopped, uncertain. Hurricane?
I’m right here.
At that, Jewel looked on the other side of Maddy to see Hurricane physically, just as she would have seen him in the loft, if her eyes were open. He stood there, his hands on his hips, staring at the wall.
What’s the matter with the wall? he asked curiously.
It gives the appearance of being old, Maddy noted, but here’s the kicker. It’s not.
No, it’s not, Hurricane agreed, pointing to the edges, where they were still being formed.
So, who’s creating this? Jewel asked, stunned, as she watched the wall get bigger and wider right before her eyes. Why is it building up more and more, when I want to clear it down?
Because it knows we’re here, Dr. Maddy stated softly. It’s preparing to withstand an attack.
But wait. Hang on, Jewel cried out. This is my … It’s my head we’re talking about.
It’s your soul, Maddy corrected. It’s your energy.
So, if it’s preparing to withstand an attack, and if it knows it’s us and that we’re all standing here, … then who is it that’s building it up? Jewel cried out.
They both turned to look at her.
My best guess, Maddy replied gently, is you.
Hurricane looked at Jewel and added, You are fortifying the wall, even as we stand before it.
*
Hurricane watched the shock waves hit Jewel.
She immediately held up her hands, trying to disconnect from the whole thing. He reached out and grabbed both of them.
Easy, he said. Remember. We’re not here to attack it. You don’t have to fight us off.
She stilled, then looked up at him, her gaze going from Maddy to him and back to Maddy again. But it feels like an attack. Everything inside of me is shrinking.
They both nodded.
Look around you, Maddy said.
The wall was still craggy, dark, and foreboding in front of Jewel, but, as she looked back and up, the rock seemed to be expanding all around her. The meadow was gone. The sun was gone. The fluffy white clouds were no more, and, instead of the light breeze, there was darkness and a ravaging storm.
She tilted her head and could feel raindrops splashing on her face, but they came faster and faster, until it came in a sheet, a hard pouring deluge from the storm.
Hurricane whispered, You’re creating this, Jewel. You’re doing this.
She shook her head in denial. That’s not possible. … I can’t be. I don’t know how. I’m not like you two.
At that, Dr. Maddy reached out a hand to them, joining theirs, which were still entwined. You are an incredibly powerful energy worker, she declared, and at a skill level I find astronomical.
Jewel opened her eyes, and, with a head jolt, the storm completely stopped. She stared at Maddy and Hurricane, their eyes glowing like orbs. You’re the ones who handle the energy in here. Maybe that was you two.
Hurricane shook his head. No, but—because I can recognize that kind of energy, that storm of strong emotions—that’s how I know it was you.
So what’s going on? Jewel whispered. If I can do all this, why have I not torn down that wall? I wanted it gone, so, why is it growing?
Hurricane spoke. You haven’t torn it down because you’re the one who built it. Whatever is behind that wall is something that you don’t want us to see. You especially don’t want to see it yourself.
Chapter 25
Everything Hurricane and Maddy had said buffeted against Jewel, like a different storm, wave after wave after wave. She squeezed their hands. I feel like I’m being torn apart.
You are, Maddy confirmed. Whatever is going on here is tearing you apart in so many ways. You’ll have to let go and tear down that wall. I mean, not some half-assed effort, but really take it down for good.
No, I can’t, Jewel screamed. You don’t understand.
No, we don’t understand at all, Hurricane agreed, but we want to, and we’re here to help.
At that, Jewel continued to scream.
He gently stroked her temple, and something soothing and calm immediately spread through her.
She opened her eyes. That’s you, she whispered.
Yes, it’s me. You need to calm down, so we can deal with this.
She shuddered. Can’t you feel the danger? Can’t you see it? Can’t you sense it?
He stiffened, looked around, and, in a low tone, whispered, Maddy?
Yes, she replied, I see it too.
At that, Jewel turned, staring around in confusion. Then she saw dark shadows, creeping in toward them, and she cried out, See? They’re there. They’re all there.
They absolutely are, Maddy agreed. She whispered to Hurricane, I might need to call in Stefan.
Hurricane nodded. You do you, he said. My hands will be very full, very soon.
Maddy watched as he stared, his gaze glowing. He studied the shadows, the darkness all around, crouching stronger and stronger.
It’s him, Jewel cried out, shuddering.
Hurricane gripped her hands. Push back against the darkness, Jewel, Hurricane prodded her urgently. Fill yourself with love. Fill yourself with joy, sunlight, sunshine, think of happy things. Think of puppy dogs and kittens and all the good things in life, he whispered, staying calm, yet he was quick with ideas, hoping something would trigger her to be happy. She stared up at him, and he demanded, Do it now. She blinked and tried, she really did. Just so hard to get control of her thoughts, especially when all this had triggered such an overwhelming fear, and it was all crowding her.
Now, he murmured, again and again.
Slowly, with the thoughts and his help, she pushed back against the darkness, feeling her soul and everything in front of her open up and push outward, sending the darkness, the shadows, or whatever it was, whoever it was out there, back into the darkness again. She shuddered, collapsing against him.
He held her, filling her soul with energy, and whispered, See? I knew you could do that.
I did it, she said triumphantly. She looked up at him and grinned. But … Then her smile fell away. He knows that we’re here.
Yes, he does, but so do you.
She stared at the wall. Are you saying I have to go behind that wall?
No, I’m not saying that at all, Hurricane replied. We are definitely not going behind that wall.
Why not?
Because, if you do, if we do, none of us will come back out anytime soon. You need to bring it to the ground, once and for all.
How do I do that? She looked around and shook her head. I don’t have any tools, not even a hammer. But you almost need like a bulldozer or something to smash this to bits.
That would be one way, yes, Hurricane agreed, but chances are you would rebuild it faster and faster anyway.
Is that possible? she asked, her voice turning distant. She turned to look at where Maddy was earlier, wondering if she could help. But the golden glow, with the light mint green that was Maddy, was almost stilled, vibrating in place. What is Dr. Maddy doing? Jewel asked.
She’s trying to get the tone, the melody, of the energy. It’s a relatively new thing that she’s working on.
This energy, it has music to it?
It has notes to it. It’s held together and sends off a vibrational sound, and, if Maddy can disrupt that vibrational sound and weaken it slightly, she might help you to bring it down.
What about Stefan? Jewel cried out. Maddy said she would get his help.
Yeah, and it’s with Stefan’s help that she’s doing this right now.
Jewel grabbed Hurricane’s hands. I’m scared.
He pulled her close, so they both stood in the same golden light, then whispered, I know, but we can do this. For your sake, you need to do this. No other way for you to ever be free.
She let out a slow deep breath, feeling that same sense of knowing inside her. No, you’re right. It’s hard, like I don’t … I don’t even know what to say. But you’re right, it’s time.
Maddy turned, and, without any sign of a physical body, the words came from her, almost menacing, Yes, it’s time. She reached out a hand, yet it wasn’t a hand so much as a glowing wisp of energy.
Hurricane lifted both of Jewel’s hands and moved them toward Maddy. Reach for her, he told Jewel. Reach for Maddy.
Jewel knew it was time, that some storm waited for her, and yet she must do it. This storm was inevitable, but she grabbed on and clung to Hurricane. Don’t let go.
I won’t, sweetheart. Don’t you worry. I won’t. This is my specialty.
She reached out with her other hand and connected with Maddy. Instantly she was tossed into a violence that she hadn’t expected, her body buffeted from side to side, up and down, a storm raging over her and around her. She cried out, Hurricane?
I’m here, sweetheart, he replied, his voice steadfast.
I’m here too, Dr. Maddy whispered.
Farther away, Jewel heard Stefan. I’m here too. We’re all here to help.
Maddy turned Jewel gently toward the massive wall in front of her. Even now, she could barely see through the wind blasting at her eyes. The wall itself looking even worse, more impenetrable than ever.
How do I release this? Jewel asked.
Close your eyes and step into it, Maddy instructed. You cannot tear it down. You cannot go around it. It continues to build wider and wider, she noted. You must go through it.
The words made Jewel laugh because, of course, the only way was to go through it—metaphorically, but physically? That was also impossible to do. They were asking her to do an impossible thing. But somehow, with their supportive force behind her, her feet moved her closer and closer toward this horrific wall of darkness. Even as she got closer, it began its creepy, almost slimy movements that made her cry out in fear.
Just touch it, Stefan stated. Feel the recognition as it hits your soul, understand what this is, and realize you are already one with it. You don’t have to do anything. You are already here. Just be with it, be one with it.
With Hurricane and Maddy speaking over and over again, almost like a mantra, Jewel slowly reached out with her hand, the one still holding Hurricane’s, and touched the wall. As soon as she did, she was caught up in the middle of it. Stuck between the walls.
She cried out, It’s got me. It’s got me.
Yes, Hurricane agreed. It’s got you, and it’s got me.
She turned to find he was here, caught in the same storm that she was. Can you get us out? Her cries were urgent.
No, he replied, yet his voice calm. I’m not getting us out, not without your assistance. You’ll have to help me get us out.
No, I can’t. I can’t, she wailed. This is what you do, fight storms, right? You’re supposed to do this.
I can’t, he stated. This is your energy. This is all you.
You need to do this, Jewel, Dr. Maddy whispered.
Need to or have to? Jewel asked.
Both, Hurricane said. Otherwise we are stuck here together.
For a moment she wondered if that would be so bad.
But he squeezed her hand and whispered, Yes, it would be terrible. A whole life awaits us out there, a life together.
She shook her head. You don’t know anything about me.
Honey, I know a lot about you, and the rest I’m willing to learn over time.
She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that something good would come of all this that was salvageable.
Close your eyes, Hurricane whispered. Just try. Take another step forward and then another, until you get through to the other side. But don’t just go through. Think of it crumbling down, away from you, forever.
She closed her eyes and willed her legs to move forward, first one and then the other, but they wouldn’t budge. She struggled, feeling everything closing in on her.
Don’t struggle, he said urgently. You command this space. You are this space. Don’t let it walk all over you. You can do this, Jewel. Don’t let yourself become a victim of your own consciousness.
