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DALE
CARNEGIE
& ASSOCIATES
CONNECT!
How to Build
Trust-Based Relationships
Published 2022 by Gildan Media LLC
aka G&D Media
www.GandDmedia.com
Copyright © 2022 by Dale Carnegie & Associates
CONNECT!. Copyright ©2022 by Dale Carnegie & Associates. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used, reproduced or transmitted in any manner whatsoever, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. No liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained within. Although every precaution has been taken, the author and publisher assume no liability for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.
FIRST EDITION 2022
Interior design by Meghan Day Healey of Story Horse, LLC
Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication Data is available upon request
eISBN: 978-1-7225-2711-2
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
—DALE CARNEGIE
We would like to acknowledge the following members of the Dale Carnegie team who contributed to this book:
Joe Hart, President & CEO
Christine Buscarino, Chief Operating Officer & Chief Marketing Officer
Ercell Charles, VP of Customer Transformation & Carnegie Master
Silvia Carvalho, Carnegie Master, Senior Director of Training Quality, Latin America
Nan Drake, Carnegie Master, Director of Training Quality Online & North America
Nigel Alston, Trainer, Eastern & Central North Carolina
George Cantafio, Trainer, Miami/Fort Lauderdale, FL
Rebecca Collier, Global Carnegie Master
Grace Dagres, Senior Trainer, Ontario, Canada
Andreas Iffland, Carnegie Master, Germany
Robert Johnston, Master Trainer, Delaware
David Kabakoff, Trainer, Memphis, TN
Jayne Leedham, Carnegie Master, United Kingdom
Tom Mangan, Master Trainer, Pittsburgh, PA
Laura Nortz, Master Trainer, Cleveland, OH
Rena Parent, Master Trainer, Pensacola, FL
Antoinette Robinson, Trainer, Atlanta, GA
Jeff Shimer, Master Trainer, Tampa Bay, FL
Frank Starkey, Master Trainer, Dallas, TX
Jonathan Vehar, (former) VP of Product
CONTENTS
FOREWORD by Joe Hart
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
FIVE THINGS THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU ACHIEVE
30 PRINCIPLES from How to Win Friends and Influence People
ADVICE FROM THE MASTERS
INTRODUCTION
PART ONE
Awareness and Mindset
1. PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT (But Also the Same)
2. OVERCOMING SELF-IMPOSED LIMITATIONS
3. VALUING DIFFERENCES
4. FRAMES, FILTERS AND HOW THEY GET IN THE WAY
PART TWO
Competency and Creating Connection
5. INITIATING AND CULTIVATING RELATIONSHIPS
6. BUILDING AND RESTORING TRUST
7. CONFLICT
8. EMPATHETIC LISTENING—Being Humble Enough to Listen
9. VIRTUAL CONNECTIONS
CONCLUSION
Dale Carnegie Principles for Connection
APPENDIX
INDEX
FOREWORD
by Joe Hart, CEO of Dale Carnegie & Associates
Early in my career, I read How to Win Friends and Influence People and it impacted me profoundly. Most importantly, it helped me realize that I could be much more effective in my interactions with others if I applied the timeless and powerful principles put forth in Dale Carnegie’s classic book.
For twenty-five years, I developed these skills and saw my personal and professional relationships flourish. I became very good at listening, looking people in the eye, being empathetic, and offering a friendly smile to others. And then 2020 and COVID-19 hit. Overnight, things changed for me and for all of us.
When we couldn’t leave our homes, go to our places of work or even see the smiles of our friends and colleagues from behind their masks, our personal connections with other people suffered. Add to that the changes in social dynamics driven by a hyper-polarized political climate, vaccine and mask mandates, and other hot-button issues, and it’s been harder than ever to know what to say to someone you’re just meeting for the first time … or even whether or not you should shake their hand.
The good news is that the basic principles of how we create and nurture relationships has not changed, even if it looks a bit different and requires more hand sanitizer. We still need to focus on building connection, cooperating with others, and getting along. In short, we need to work our way through the rapid changes and curves that the world throws at us.
Human beings aren’t wired to operate independently. Living the life of a hermit on a subsistence farm without other people around us is likely not what any of us would choose. We are social beings who create mutually beneficial relationships to survive, thrive, and enjoy life.
Think about the person who is closest to you. Perhaps a significant other, a family member, a lifelong best friend, or a mentor. And imagine if they’d never been in your life. For most of us, it’s not a happy thought. The good news is that they are there for you, and you’re there for them. And because of that, your life is richer and fuller. So is theirs.
This book is about helping you improve your life by creating and building stronger relationships with other people, whether it’s at home or work, in-person or virtually. It offers insights that can enable you to achieve your full potential thanks to the support and friendship of others.
Dale Carnegie recognized that everyone has inherent greatness. Our work at Dale Carnegie Training is all about bringing that greatness out so that everyone can see it. Continuing his work, we change how people see themselves, so they can change how the world sees them, and that changes the impact they have on the world. It’s work about which we’re passionate. And it’s work that no one can do alone, which is why we all need to continually build and develop connections with others.
We’re excited to see what you’ll bring to the world with the new connections you’ll build based on what you learn in this book.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
Every morning, in virtually every country on the planet, Dale Carnegie trainers are preparing to share the timeless messages created by our founder Dale Carnegie. Whether we are connecting with members of the public, workers in Fortune 500 companies, or anyone in between, the lessons and skills taught have been improving and empowering people for eighty five years.
When we consider the societal changes that have happened globally since How to Win Friends and Influence People was originally published in 1937, it becomes apparent that the message from that book (and the training that came from it) never go out of date. They are truly timeless.
The Human Relations principles that are the foundation of our work can be applied in a variety of settings. From our homes to our places of worship, from the classroom to the boardroom, when we learn how to truly connect with one another, we can move mountains.
As you read this book, you’ll discover ways to apply the information that you might not have considered before. We find ourselves making interesting connections in the most surprising places! When we focus on creating genuine connections, the entire tone of our lives become happier and more fulfilling. Brief encounters leave us with a smile and we find ourselves feeling a little less lonely in an otherwise isolating world.
Since we assume that you’re reading this to somehow improve your ability to connect with others, we’d offer a few tips for interacting with this book:
The proven Dale Carnegie Performance Change Pathway offers some insights to set us up for success: Be aware of your goals: Since this book is in your hands, we know you want to change. Having an emotional commitment with something at stake (e.g. success, happiness, friends, effectiveness, etc.) will ensure you take action. As you read the book, connect what you’re reading to how you see yourself and what you want to accomplish.
Commit to experience learning: No one has all the answers. So if we’re reading this to confirm what we already know, we might as well go do something else. Just like a Dale Carnegie training program is intense and can take us out of our comfort zone, this book may make some suggestions or we might make some links to the content that makes us uncomfortable. These are the things we should pay attention to! If we think, “I don’t think I could do that,” or “I don’t think I want to …” then that may be the thing that really shifts our behavior and our performance. Let’s be sure to make notes, highlight, flag, dog-ear or underline those things that strike us as relevant and useful.
Sustain the learning: When we finish the book, let’s not just put it back on the shelf and go back to the old ways. No! Let’s create a way to keep the learning alive! Let’s commit to creating ti me on our schedules to make connections, find a partner who will hold us accountable to our goals (e.g. a friend, a mentor, a manager, a significant other, a relative) and check in with us periodically to see how we’re doing. We may be surprised at how people around us will support us when we ask for help and demonstrate that we’re willing to work to improve.
Make notes. Whether we’re using an e-reader or a paper copy, feel free to liberally underline/highlight those parts of the book that are interesting, intriguing or useful. Let’s flag those parts of the book that are relevant so that we can review them quickly. We shouldn’t think of this as some pristine manuscript that we can’t alter. Let’s make it our own and think of it as a workbook.
At the end of each chapter, we should ask ourselves if we’re ready to move on, or if we need to review what we’ve just read. It’s not a race to finish. It’s about understanding and integrating the content so that we can give it a try to improve our performance.
Teach someone else! A great way to learn something new is to teach it to someone else. When we find something that resonates with us, let’s take time to share it with someone else. Not in a formal classroom setting, but perhaps over a meal, while sharing a cup of coffee, while in the car, or when taking a walk. As we hear ourselves share, we’ll make new connections.
Review the book again. As parts of the book become habits, we should review the entire book or at least the underlining/highlighting to see what parts we could still integrate into our practices.
Relate the content to our lives. As we read through the book, let’s ask ourselves how we might have handled the situation, or how we might put this into practice to help achieve our connection goals.
As Dale Carnegie said, “Knowledge isn’t power until it’s applied.” Let’s apply what we learn from the pages that follow.
FIVE THINGS THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU ACHIEVE
(that will make you a better person)
Become a better listener
Handle conflict more easily
Discover the secrets to trusting relationships
Engage with others virtually
Build stronger relationships
THIRTY PRINCIPLES from
How to Win Friends andInfluence People
by Dale Carnegie
At the core of everything we do at Dale Carnegie Training is the foundation of the human relations principles that Dale Carnegie created many years ago. It amazes us how relevant these ideas are to modern life. In fact, if we are faced with a challenge, all we need to do is to look at these principles and see how it can improve the situation. Here are the classic principles that truly have stood the test of time.
Build Connection
BE A FRIENDLIER PERSON
1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
5. Smile.
6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
8. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
9. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
Gain Cooperation
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
11. Show respect for the other person’s opinions—never say, “you’re wrong.”
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
13. Begin in friendly way.
14. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
16. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
17. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Throw down a challenge.
Create Change
BE A LEADER
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
23. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Ask questions, instead of giving direct orders.
26. Let the other person save face.
27. Praise the slightest improvements and praise every improvement. “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
ADVICE FROM THE MASTERS
When researching this book, we interviewed several of our own subject matter experts on the topic of connection. We asked them, “If you were to give one piece of advice to someone on how to become better at connecting with others, what would it be?” Here are some of their answers.
Ercell Charles, VP of Customer Transformation & Carnegie Master
Not connecting with others can be caused by not listening, being open, respecting, appreciating, seeking the other person’s point of view. Instead, we need empathetic listening, and need to be humble enough to listen. This is the basis for finding common ground.
Nigel Alston, Trainer
Connecting with others is actually based on a formula. The quality of relationships are a function of the quality and consistency of the contact over time. We all have relationships with people we’ve known for years, but either the quality of that contact isn’t great or we don’t really see them consistently. The best relationships are made when you have high quality contacts with a person, consistently, over time.
George Cantafio, Trainer
My best piece of advice is this—It’s not about you. Listen more, talk less, and be yourself! If you are genuinely interested in the other person, you’ll build a connection. So many people, when they meet someone new for the first time, start talking about themselves. “I’m from Florida and have three kids and love to fish.” Instead, ask the other person where they live, what their family is like, and what they love to do. You can find common ground when you listen more than when you talk.
Rebecca Collier, Carnegie Master
When I was growing up, I went to thirteen different schools. I was always the new person at school, and had to learn how to connect with others pretty quickly. It’s important to develop relationships and to get as much information as you can—especially when it’s a different culture than you’re familiar with. Expect that they will be different from you and approach it with an attitude of curiosity. Different doesn’t mean bad or good—it’s just different. When you approach differences with an open attitude of asking and being curious, you can build relationships much more easily.
Grace Dagres, Senior Trainer
Over the past few years, we have all been called upon to not only change, but find a way to engage in a virtual world. It’s important to remember one’s own mindset and attitude and see yourself as “unapologetically human.” I like to call it “flaw-some.” Our flaws are what make us awesome.
To make connections, we have to make every interaction about the other person. It’s about finding success together. It really does go back to the Human Relations Principles. “A person’s name is the sweetest sound.” Ask them how to pronounce their name! “See things from the other person’s point of view.” Make an effort to understand the other person and where they’re coming from.
