Accidentally Ever After, page 1
Accidentally Ever After
ACCIDENTALLY PARANOMAL
BOOK 2
DAKOTA CASSIDY
Important Note to Readers
Author Note: For anyone new to The Accidentals, there are nine books prior to this addition to the series. The series began with a traditional NY publisher (Penguin Putnam-Berkley Sensation) way back in 2008 with The Accidental Werewolf, which is Marty’s story and where this madness all turned into twenty-one (almost 22 and counting) books later.
The series was originally titled Accidentally Paranormal Novel and had nine books, the last being book 9 titled The Accidental Dragon. You are, of course, welcome to look up and read all nine. They’re listed in “Also by Dakota Cassidy.”
However, it’s not necessary!
As of now, I don’t have control of the first nine books. Yet, when I began self-publishing in 2014, I continued to write in the series with books 10-21 which will now, and ever after be titled simply, The Accidentals. They’ll also be renumbered 1-12 (with thirteen coming soon!).
If you’re interested, I do believe with a little aide from the quick read I mention below, you should be able to catch up to how it all began and where the core characters of the series are now with a modicum of ease.
It’s a FREE read called Interview With An Accidental. A quick (mostly painless), interview-style introduction to the women who are the heart and soul of the first nine books of the series that remain traditionally published. It’s basically me, interviewing my characters so their backstories and origins make a bit more sense when you jump into Accidentally Aphrodite.
Please note: This freebie is absolutely NOT a part of the series in terms of a new story or a move forward in the development of the characters.
Interview with an Accidental
I hope you enjoy Marty, Nina, and Wanda as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them for the last fifteen years!
Dakota Cassidy XXOO
About This Book
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the prettiest shoes of all?
Antonia Vitali's on the run and in hiding, working as a salesclerk in a designer outlet mall in Jersey. Toni's life has been on a steady downward decline for three years now, the ghosts of her past always nipping at her heels.
Little does she know, her life's about to change when the OOPS girls whisk in for a day of Christmas shopping and fall through a wormhole in the store's dressing room, taking Toni with them!
Now Toni's got a pair of sparkly purple heels gifted to her by the Good Witch of the South--gorgeous heels she can't take off until she returns them to the king. With a trio of reluctant fairy godmothers and an ogre named Dannan, Toni's on a mission to get to the castle to receive a happily-ever-after she never asked for. Along the way, she meets an amazingly handsome, utterly chiseled stable boy named Jon Doe, who offers to help them navigate the Not So Sherwood Forest and get them all to Castle Beckett before Christmas Eve.
But if her happily-ever-after is at the castle, why would she rather make time with the stable boy? And why does the evil Queen Angria want Toni's head on a platter? And how in the world has she developed her newfound, peculiar...um...talents?
Join Toni, Marty, Nina, Wanda and Carl, as they journey along the treacherous road to love and eternal happiness in the magical realm of Shamalot!
Copyright
Accidentally Ever After
The Accidentals
Book 2
Accidentally Paranormal
Editor Kelli Collins
Cover Art Katie Wood
Copyright © 2023, Dakota Cassidy
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from Dakota Cassidy.
This book is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, locales, or events is wholly coincidental. The names, characters, dialogue, and events in this book are from the author’s imagination and should not be construed as real.
Dedication
Darling readers,
I’ve gone and mucked it up again, sticking my nose where it surely doesn’t belong by using snippets of famous fairy tales and ideas from various television shows to suit my twisted needs. Enormous thanks to: Outlander, Game of Thrones, Galavant, Shrek, Once Upon a Time, and, in one facet or another, every Disney/Pixar movie with a princess or memorable villain in it ever made. Basically what I’m saying is, I’ve maybe toyed with some classics (eep!), but it’s all done with utter and total respect.
I don’t care what anyone thinks about the non-feminist properties attached to my wish to be a princess; I’m honest enough to tell you that when I was five, I wanted to be Cinderella. I didn’t much care about the prince then, but I sure wanted talking mice, a coach, hair that floated around my waist, and that darn ball gown. Nowadays, at almost fifty, I just wanna wear a floaty dress while small forest creatures clean my house. But my love of a good fairytale remains.
Also grateful thanks to Mindy Dawn Fletcher for the brilliant title, my ever-awesome BFF Renee George for the brainstorming, and my amazing DH for some of the whacky parodies on names you’re about to encounter!
Dakota XXOO
Author Note: For anyone new to The Accidentals, I’ve included a link to Interview With An Accidental, a quick (and mostly painless) interview-style introduction to the women who are the heart and soul of this eleven-book series, originally published traditionally. If you’re a repeat offender (YAY to repeat offending, you rebels!), skip right to chapter one!
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Epilogue
Bearly Accidental
About the Author
Also by Dakota Cassidy
Chapter
One
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (or as some call it, Jersey), there were three lovely maidens and a zombie off for a day full of mirth-filled Christmas shopping and friendship.
Okay, that’s not totally true. Yes, there’s a zombie, but there are only two maidens full of mirth and friendship. The third maiden is so unlike the other two maidens, she wouldn’t know mirth if it slapped her on the ass and called her Snuggle Bunny.
But she totally gets friendship. Swear it.
Back to the story. Allow me to introduce the players in our tale: The first of the trio is our fair Marty Flaherty. With hair fashioned of spun gold—or in some circles, a box of Clairol #222—light of heart and blessed with a gift for perpetual optimism (see Pollyanna), one can surely see the charming Marty comes by her title with ease.
A cosmetic/fashion guru/werewolf, our Marty is an admitted shopaholic, and happily married to her life mate, with whom she shares the blending of two cosmetic empires and a young daughter named Hollis.
The second maiden, equally as fair, is our ever-elegant and oh-so-tasteful Wanda Schwartz. Warm, nurturing, a paragon of decorum, lovingly titled “halfsie” by her BFFs. Which translates to half vampire, half werewolf. Wanda is also happily married, and has an amazing manservant named Archibald who loves to cook gourmet meals.
And then there’s Nina Blackman-Statleon…
Fair maiden number three. Though, I warn you, this storyteller is only using the word “fair” to keep things on an equal playing field so when all is said and done, there’s no bandying the word “unjust” about. #storytellereyeroll
Ahem…
Anyway, Nina is the trio’s resident vampire, adorned with almond-shaped eyes the color of coal and luxurious raven hair totally untouched by any sort of finery. In other words, according to the two previously mentioned maidens, a total babe without even trying.
Dark, broody—dare I say crusty?—and easily provoked, she’s a lover of whatever doesn’t irritate her. Which is next to nothing except for five things: All animals, the elderly, children, someone in paranormal distress, and Barry Manilow. Mother to little vampini Charlie, surrogate mother to zombie Carl, and happily married wife of Gregori.
On this bright, crisp pre-winter day in December, the women and their zombie Carl find themselves fresh off their recent OOPS (Out In The Open Paranormal Support; a crisis hotline, as such) case. A harrowing encounter, wherein they came to blows with the goddess of disorder and chaos, Eris, in a mythological battle to the bitter end to save their friend and client Quinn Morris from certain death.
It was all manner of crazy, people. Fire-breathing horses, serpents, even a Cyclops (hand to heart—swear it’s true) were among their foes—all of which they valiantly conquered like the true warriors they are. That skirmish included Carl, our sweet, sweet zombie, who defeated said Cyclops by using a mighty blow to his big, scary eyeball with, of all things, a copy of Jane Eyre.
Obviously, fine readers, the three fair maidens and one zombie were in dire need of some R and R. So on this unusually chilly, early December day, the gregarious and light-of-heart maiden Marty suggested a shopping trip to the outlet mall in Jersey (I think like exit 92 off the turnpike, for those of you who speak
Little did they know this particular day would not only change their lives forever, but take them on a treacherous journey filled with pitfalls, magic, a new pair of shoes (so cute!)—and bad, bad dudes.
Lots of bad dudes…
Chapter
Two
Nina let out a hiss just before she lunged for Toni’s throat, her wings fluttering angrily behind her.
But her friend Marty soared through the air in a leap to rival that of a pole-vaulter, her enormous ball gown in a lovely shade of sky blue twisting around her legs.
She landed in front of Nina so fast, she rammed into her, making them tumble to the ground, the two women tangling up in each other’s elaborate dresses. Nina reached around her and yanked one of Marty’s wings.
“Ow! That’s my wing, Nina! I swear, I’ll poke your eyeballs out with my hair if you don’t knock it off!” Marty yelped and managed to wrestle Nina to her back, securing her by mounting her hips and pulling her glasses from her face.
Gripping Nina’s wrists, Marty planted them above her head as a small crowd of villagers gathered, passing a bag of coins and placing bets. “Knock it the hell off, Vampire! Why in all of the universe would you think this woman’s responsible for us falling through that hole in the dressing room, you violent, un-trainable, testy beast?”
Vampire? Had she said vampire?
No. This day wasn’t happening. It was not.
“Get the hell off me, Blondie, and give me back my damn shades or I’m gonna eat your face off!” Nina screeched with her closed eyes.
But Marty shook her head, the mile-high hair on the top of her skull never budging. “Nope. Not until you promise to use your manners. I absolutely will not have your chaos erupting all over the place like so much vomit until we know what’s going on and where we are. And I won’t have you threatening to beat anyone up until we need you to.”
Wanda leaned into Toni, smoothing one of her long white gloves over her elbow as though it had always been there while her friends continued to bicker. “Very impressive show there. I can’t remember the last person who stood up to Nina, other than one of us or her husband, Greg. Clearly, your fear factor is high, Kimosabe. I like that in a girl,” she said on a chuckle.
Toni turned to look at her, still visually trying to block out Candyland while people peeked out from behind trees and stood at the doorways of their charming, snow-covered cottages. “Question?”
“Certainly.”
“Did that woman—um, Marty, is it?—just call the angry pale lady a vampire?”
Wanda nodded, her hair equally as unmoving as Marty’s. “Marty it is, and she did call Nina a vampire. I fear we’ll have some explaining to do. Your world’s going to be rocked in more ways than one today, I’m afraid. But bear with me until we work out this little kink?” She waved an elegant hand at the ball of limbs and taffeta dresses Nina and Marty had become.
Toni nodded, also refusing to acknowledge that her own hair was now swinging at her waist. “Let’s table that for a little while and focus on,” she swept her hand around at the landscape, “um, this. You seem really reasonable compared to your friend, so I’m going to appeal to you. I swear I don’t know how this happened. Swear it on my life. I’m just a salesclerk at a stupid designer outlet mall store, making just above minimum wage. I don’t know anyone who’d do this. I don’t even know what’s been done, but if at all possible, I say we blame my boss Bree. She’s a horrible human being.”
Wanda nodded again and patted Toni’s arm, her long fingers giving her flesh a squeeze. “You know, I noticed that. Kind of pushy and power-hungry for someone so young, huh? You’d think she was ruling a kingdom, not an outlet store.” Then she giggled, like they weren’t in the middle of some whacked fairytale. “Sorry. Pardon the pun.”
“You heard Bree say those things to me?”
Wanda pulled at her earlobe with the shiny cascade earring attached to it. “Half vampire, half werewolf. Good hearing is one of the tricks of the trade. Though sometimes, it’s a curse.”
Werewolf… Toni gulped more air into her lungs while her heart raced. “Not ready to acknowledge that just yet either, if that’s okay.”
“Oh, of course, Toni. I understand. You have bigger fish to fry right now. We can talk later about that part of this—whatever this is. For now, I have to wrangle the twins. So if you’ll excuse me?”
Now Toni nodded, unable to do much else. “Of course.”
Wanda lifted the hem of her gorgeous champagne-colored gown and hopped over a patch of ice as though she always wore ball gowns and stopped to assess the two quarreling women as they tussled.
Looking down, she said, “Marty, I’m going to suggest you get off Nina and hand her back her glasses before she explodes into a pile of ashes. I know she makes you want to choke her out, but you’d regret the loss of her black soul. I know you would. You’d cry, and quite frankly, you’re a messy crier. Nina? Shut your big fat flapping lips until further notice, or it won’t be Marty you have to worry about.
“Now, the two of you will get up off this ground because you’re ruining your magnificent gowns in the dirty snow; you will introduce yourselves to Toni, who is as freaked-out and in as much a state of shock as we are; and you will do it with your manners intact and your indoor voices. Are we all in agreement?”
Nina’s jaw clenched tight, her face a mask of anger. “Wanda, the fuck—”
Wanda’s fingers snaked out and clamped Nina’s lips together. “Shhh! Now. Don’t speak. Wag that razor-sharp tongue of yours again, lose your sunscreen.”
Marty let go of Nina’s wrists and rasped a sigh, shoving off from her friend’s lean torso to sit upright. “Fine. But one wrong move in Toni’s direction and it’s curtains for you, Dark One. Oh, and nice ball gown, Cinder-Nightmare. Very, very bright and sunny, just like your sparkling personality,” she taunted, letting her head fall back on her shoulders to laugh out loud.
Nina growled and with a flat palm to Marty’s chest, knocked her on her back. Scooping up her glasses to prop them crookedly on her nose with an aggravated hand, she shoved the stems of them into the nest of her triple-tier, wedding-cake-like hair.
“You watch yourself, Werewolf, or I’m gonna spin that color wheel of yours until you puke.”
Marty took Wanda’s hand and allowed her to help her up, but Nina dismissed the offer, slapping at the yards and yards of constricting yellow material around her legs when she rose.
Marty approached Toni as she brushed the wet snow from her gown, heavily embroidered with dark-blue and gold thread along the bodice. “I’m Marty Flaherty, by the way. So nice to meet you.”
Toni stuck out her frozen hand and offered it to the pretty blonde. “Toni Vitali. I’m really sorry about this. I’m as confused as you are—”
“No apologies necessary,” Marty cut in on a smile as warm as Wanda’s voice. “If you had any idea what we’ve seen… Well, let’s just say, we’ve seen a lot. We’ve also kicked some ass while we’ve seen a lot. So we’ll figure this out and kick some ass if the situation deems necessary.”
Wanda jammed a finger into the spot between Nina’s shoulder blades. “Speak, Cavewoman. Talk pretty. Make words.”
Nina popped her lips, crossing her arms over her chest, her stance defensive. “Nina If-You-Ever-Stick-Your-Face-in-Mine-Again-I’ll-Rip-it-Off Statleon.”
Wanda’s lips thinned as she drove two knuckles into Nina’s back. “Can it, Bruiser.”
“Well, all right then,” Marty said, a bright smile wreathing her face when she looked to Toni and tucked her clasped hands under her chin. “Let’s figure this out, huh, girls?”
