To Honor, page 6
“Dr. Williams has decided I can’t go home yet. Apparently I’m a drug addict.” Though her words were calm, he noticed that her face had become an emotionless mask. The idea that someone thought something like that about her obviously bothered her on a deep level.
“You are no such thing. Where did he get an idea like that?”
Evelyn took a bite from a taco, chewed it, then swallowed before answering. “My hospital papers from my transfer state I was a drug overdose case. In his mind, drug overdose automatically means drug addict.”
“I’ll have a talk with him. He sounds like a real dick and I wouldn’t mind giving him a piece of my mind.” Derek crumpled a wrapper in his hand as he imagined it was this Williams.
She waved his anger away before shooting him a half-hearted smile. “I fired him. Okay, so actually I told him that you were going to fire him. You are going to fire him, right?”
He met his wife’s gaze and summoned the most reassuring smile he could muster. “I’m thinking that Dr. Sherman might be a better therapist for you. I’ll speak to him as soon as we’re done with lunch and ask how to make that happen.”
With a sound of joy, Evelyn jumped up from her side of the table and wrapped him in a tight hug. “Thank you,” she whispered before kissing his temple. “That man is a negative Nelly and I can’t stand one more second of him. Please, I want to go home.”
“We’ll get you home, Eva. Just leave everything to me.”
Chapter Twelve
After they’d finished eating, Derek stayed true to his word and left to speak with Dr. Sherman. Evelyn remained in the cafeteria, staring at a TV screen as she mused over her own private thoughts. She didn’t feel like going back to her room, even upstairs at all, for that matter. Being up there gave her the creeps and some of the patients frightened her.
“Are you alright?”
The gentle voice, one that Evelyn recognized immediately, was a welcome intrusion on her thoughts. She smiled up at Sandra. “As okay as I can be.”
The nurse smiled and sat down across from her with a lunch tray. “Hmmm, something tells me you need a listening ear. What’s up? Everything okay between you and Mr. Moore?”
Her and Derek? Evelyn blinked, caught by surprise over the question. She and her husband were, for now, the least of her worries. But Sandra’s question did put things into perspective. She’d spent so much time worrying about how to get out of this place, she’d almost forgotten what put her here to begin with.
“I…” She frowned and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. “Well, I think we’re okay. I guess we’re okay.”
I like you better than my wife.
Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to block out the voice. No, no, no! Not now. She’d come too far to let the voices that haunted her gain ground again now. “Dr. Williams is an asshole and called me a drug addict,” she blurted out.
When silence met her, she opened a single eye tentatively. Sandra sat staring at her, mouth agape. “That’s awful. Not that I don’t believe you, but why would he say something like that?”
In misery, Evelyn opened her eyes fully and stared down at the table. “I took a bunch of pills when I tried to commit suicide. Because my hospital transfer records say I had an overdose, somehow that automatically labels me a drug addict. He told me I can’t go home for another month.”
Warmth enveloped her hand and she realized Sandra had covered it with her own. “You really want to go home, don’t you?”
Evelyn nodded as she blinked back tears. Why did it seem like she was always crying? She hated crying. “I’m sure a place like this is wonderful for people who truly are mentally disturbed, but being here just makes me feel worse. I don’t belong here. My depression stemmed from circumstance, not some kind of hormonal, chemical, whatever imbalance.”
“Are you no longer depressed?”
Somehow, she knew Sandra’s question had a deeper meaning than the obvious. Evelyn mulled the question over for a few moments. Was she no longer depressed? No. The wounds she suffered from would take a long time to heal. They would certainly take far longer than the month she’d been here. There was no instant cure, no magic fix-all that could take the pain of losing her baby away. And no eraser in the world was big enough to remove the memories of discovering the horrible text messages on her husband’s phone.
“I’m still depressed,” she admitted, speaking slowly as she chose her words with care. “I often find myself sitting and crying because I try so hard to figure out why these things happened, and I have no answer. Just a bunch of what-if’s and self accusations. But I no longer want to die.”
Sandra gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I like hearing that. Living is good.”
Evelyn offered her a weak smile. “After Astridea died, I spent a lot of time in stasis. Bed rest from the coma gave me lots of time to agonize and obsess over her death and the wreck. The few times I tried to talk to Derek about it, he was distant. I know now that it was his way of dealing with the pain and fear, and he’s promised me that he’ll never use that method again should anything else ever happen. Back then, though, I saw it as him rejecting me. Further proof that I was to blame for it all. Then…” Her voice wavered as the emotions washed over her, raw and stinging, like salt in an open wound. “When I saw the messages between him and his therapist. Derek and the woman who was supposed to be helping us fix our life…”
“It’s okay.” Sandra patted her hand. “I understand. I don’t approve of the way you chose to deal with it, but I understand.”
“Sandra? I know I’m not schizophrenic. I’m not. But since then, when I get scared, the things they wrote to each other…I hear them, in my head.”
“Well.” The nurse pulled back and stared at her with a thoughtful expression. “You just need to drown those voices out. They have no room in your life and no right to fill your head with terrible words. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know one thing that’ll help.”
Evelyn leaned forward as she awaited Sandra’s next words. She listened so intently that she held her breath for fear she might miss out on, or worse yet, misunderstand the golden wisdom that was about to be imparted to her.
“Every time you hear those nasty words, you yell even louder in your head. You say, I am loved. Don’t try to think about who or where or why. You just need to know, and believe those words.”
I am loved. She repeated the mantra in her head a few times, liking how it filled her with strength. “Thank you.” The words came out a mere whisper, but Evelyn knew Sandra heard them just the same.
Whatever reply that rested on Sandra’s lips was interrupted by the trill of her cell phone. The nurse pulled it out, glanced at the caller, then shot Evelyn an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, is it okay if I take this? It’s my mom.”
With a laugh, Evelyn waved a dismissive had at her. “Go on, shoo.”
After issuing another apology, Sandra left the table and disappeared out one of the doors. Evelyn sighed and contemplated the time. Normally she’d be in therapy with Dr. William’s right now, but she’d be damned if she was going to that. There was no help for it, she was just going to have to head up stairs and hide in her room.
As she rose, her foot hit something under the table that made a soft crinkle sound. Puzzled, Evelyn pulled a plastic bag out and opened it. Sandra hadn’t been carrying a bag when she sat down, so Evelyn assumed it was something Derek forgot.
Inside was a shoebox. She pulled the box out and opened it as well. A thrill of delight went through her at the sight of a new pair of boots in her size. Tucked in the top of one was a note.
Eva,
May your first steps in these be on the road to rebuilding our future.
Love, Derek
P.S. – Here’s a pair they can’t take laces from!
* * * *
Derek stepped outside and took a deep breath to calm his temper. His wife hadn’t been kidding, that doctor was a real prick. The board was willing to listen to both sides, but he knew it would take more than his word and Dr. Sherman’s endorsement to beat this guy. The man was smoother than a recruiter buttering up high school kids.
He knew if his wife stayed here any longer, what progress they’d made would go downhill and fast. Especially considering his emergency leave would be up in just a few days. Derek needed to get her home and settled before he returned to work. There was no doubt in his mind that if he left her here, alone, that he’d lose his wife. Maybe even in the worst and most permanent way possible. No other option would do; he was going to have to call in the big guns. Derek pulled his cell phone out and flipped it open. Flint answered before the second ring.
“Flint? It’s Moore. It’s about Eva…I need help.”
Chapter Thirteen
Evelyn paced the walkway that curved through the ground’s flower garden in restless anxiety. When she tried to stop, her whole body throbbed, making her imagine herself as a racehorse, pressing against the gate. All she needed was the go, a green light, for that gate to swing open, and she would be out of here faster than the blink of an eye.
Jonathan Flint had showed up earlier that morning, his face set in the firm lines of a man on a mission. The hug he gave her was still full of gentle care, but their short conversation had been terse, at best. Her husband acted much the same way, though the appearance of his longtime friend and superior officer seemed to put him more at ease.
They’d left her not long after Jonathan’s arrival. Derek pressed a kiss against her forehead before wrapping his arms around her in a sudden, unexpected hug. “Don’t worry, sweetheart,” he whispered against her ear. “One way or another, I’m not leaving you here alone. We have to go to a meeting now. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she’d replied.
That had been hours ago and Evelyn had yet to hear from them again. She didn’t like the fact that until Jonathan showed up, Derek had said nothing about a meeting. What kind of meeting was it anyway, and with who? She could only assume it had something to do with her dislike of Dr. Williams. Or maybe her desire to go home. Either way, the wait was killing her.
She’s a crazy bitch anyway.
Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut at the hateful words. I’m not crazy, she argued.
You say, “I am loved.” Don’t try think about who or where or why.
The soothing words that Sandra said yesterday filled her head. Yes, that was what she needed to do. With as much force as she could muster, Evelyn screamed the words in her head.
I am loved!
* * * *
The wind was like a balm on Derek’s skin. The office where the board meeting took place had been freezing. Or maybe it was just his nerves playing hell on his system? Either way, the warm summer breeze felt damn good. He inhaled, filling his chest with as much of it as he could and tried to wipe the smell of cleaning agents from his lungs.
“That was fun.” Flint leaned against the railing that ran along a patio outside of the cafeteria.
Derek smiled at the obvious sarcasm in his friend’s voice. “All that arguing and debating, just to be informed that since she signed herself in, all I had to do was insist on signing her out.”
“Told you that power of attorney would be helpful. Just be careful if Eva asks how you got her out. I’m not sure You were discharged into my care against medical advice will set well with her.” Flint’s smile almost reached his eyes as he gave Derek a sideways glance.
The bottom dropped out of Moore’s stomach. “Oh, hell. Can you just imagine? I could see her stomping her foot and screaming, I don’t need a babysitter.”
They both laughed at the imagine of petite, dark haired Evelyn losing her temper in such a way. The silence that followed hung heavy between them.
“So now what?” Jonathan Flint clasped his hands together as he stared out across the grounds.
Derek shook his head, at a loss. Now what, indeed. He searched deep into the pathways of his soul before he had an idea. “First thing I’m going to do is disassemble the nursery. It hurt bad enough to see everything intact the past few months, as if Astridea was coming home any minute. Now, I’ve got the memory of finding Evelyn in there, damn near dead too.”
“You think she’ll let you?”
“I don’t know,” Derek admitted with hesitation. “Not sure what else to do though.”
Flint raised up, stretched, and then grabbed one of the patio chairs and seated himself in it. “Are you two going to try for another baby?” His voice was quiet, neutral, careful.
With a sinking heart, Derek shook his head. “We can’t. Astridea was our one in a million shot. The doctors performed a hysterectomy after the birth because the polyps that were preventing us from carrying had gotten out of hand. They were afraid they’d turn cancerous soon. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Hell, we had our miracle…” He trailed off as a lump formed in his throat.
Jonathan nodded in silent understanding. He’d known about their trouble conceiving. His wife and Evelyn were close friends too. Or at least, they’d been before depression caused Evelyn to literally shut everyone out of her life by never leaving her home or answering her phone.
“I know it’s none of my business, but what about adoption?”
Adoption? Derek mulled it over, stunned. They’d never talked about it, never even thought about it. Well, at least he hadn’t. The two of them had been so busy trying to prove that they could, against all odds, have a baby, that they didn’t think to look at alternate routes. Now, with the gaping hole in their lives…
“We hadn’t thought about it.” Derek rubbed his jaw line and frowned over the stubble that scratched his palm. “But I’m sure as hell going to bring it up to Eva.”
Flint nodded before pointing across the grounds. “Isn’t that her, over there? Bet she’s about worry herself sick over the meeting. You’d better go break the good news to her.”
Derek smiled at the figure wandering around the flower garden across the way. He’d talk to her about the adoption bit, but not just yet. Right now, he just wanted to tell her that she was going home.
Chapter Fourteen
The voices were happening far less often these days. Evelyn smiled at the knowledge as she continued folding laundry. The words Sandra taught her, along with Derek striving to repair their marriage and weekly therapy appointments with a local psychiatrist had done wonders for her.
She was still sad. When she saw children out in public, it broke her heart. The first couple of times Derek managed to coax her into going shopping or out to dinner, it seemed the world wanted to taunt her. There were literally babies and toddlers everywhere! Evelyn ended up in tears and begged Derek to take her home.
Progress was slow, but it was being made. That, she reminded herself, was what really mattered.
Four months had passed since that night when she’d taken all those pills. Three since her release from R&R Resort. Evelyn sent letters to Sandra on a regular basis, updating her on the little milestones she’d conquered lately and promising she wasn’t suicidal anymore. The letters she got back where often short, scribbled in crayon, and full of positive words. It was funny that at the worst moment in her life, when Evelyn was at rock bottom, was when she’d made one of her greatest friends.
Derek often left her notes too. Little scraps of paper that simply said I love you, or praising her beauty. They were random, and usually in unexpected places. On her mirror above her sink so she’d see it in the morning while brushing her teeth, or on the table in the kitchen with flower beside it. The day after they’d finally had sex again, she’d gotten one stashed in her underwear drawer, describing how sexy she was and how grateful he was to have her as his wife.
Her favorite surprise, by far, was a fairly recent one. Her husband had come home with a card in hand. The front had a picture of a kitten being shielded from rain by a massive dog. The inside read,
I’ll always be your umbrella during any storm.
In tiny handwriting, at the bottom of the card, Derek had added more words.
But will mew be mine?
She’d smiled at the word play, but puzzled over it as well. The card was cute and she liked the message. “Of course I’ll be your umbrella too,” she exclaimed while she hugged him.
“That card isn’t from me,” he said with a cryptic smile.
Evelyn frowned at him, not understanding. “Then who is it from?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t tell me his name. Or more like, he tried, but I can’t speak his language.” He laughed at her then and, before she could say anything more, he reached into the side pocket of his fatigues. Time seemed to stand still as he pulled a tiny, orange striped kitten out of his uniform. The creature was sleeping and only stretched over the disturbance.
“Oh my gosh,” Evelyn squealed. “A kitten. Where on Earth did you get him? He’s such a little guy.” She pulled the baby animal close to her chest and fell instantly in love. His tiny body vibrated with an automatic purr as he opened his gray-green eyes and gazed up at her.
“We had shooting practice today. Aarons, one of the best snipers around, was on his stomach taking aim at a target when this rookie pops up larger than life in his scope. Damn near made Aarons shoot him out of reflex. He was trying to climb the barrel of the rifle. No one has the slightest idea where he came from, since our gun range is way out in the far corner of the base.” Derek shrugged as he patted the kitten on the head. “I thought maybe you’d like him, so I brought him home.”
Evelyn laughed again as she thought about the story. The kitten, now known as Sniper, was her constant companion. He couldn’t fill the aching gap in her heart, but he did a good job of trying. His antics were enough to make her forget some days.
