Hell Formed A Union, page 4
I had to get this crowd under control, otherwise the devil might have more reason to reject our proposal. Besides that, they were making me nervous with all the questions. I told the anxious workers that the devil had listened to all the details of the proposal and that he wanted a resolution just as much as we did. I almost choked on that last bit, but all things considered, I do think that he wanted a stable, reliable work force. As the union steward, I reassured the workers that some sort of deal would definitely come out of this. I also reminded them of the fact that there were still no marbles in our water rooms, so the devil did not go completely off the rails again. “Let’s give this just a little more time and if we don’t hear anything soon, then I will go back for an update.”
It took no longer than the beginning of the next work cycle before the devil made himself present. He did not, however, want an audience for his announcement. He asked me to come to his office to discuss the matter and I could then return to inform the rest of the group of the results. I obliged. As we walked toward his desk, the door closed behind us and he began to speak. He said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I find your proposition for a working agreement is fair and equitable, and I accept it.”
“That’s fantastic!” I said enthusiastically. I could not even imagine any bad news to go with that. The devil offered me a drink and asked me to have a seat. I took both.
The devil summed it up. ”You see, the reason it took so long for me to get back to you with my decision was that damned point system. Somebody above me has always made the decisions or judgements, if you will. The only thing I ever had to do was the enforcement. The bad news is that when I ran your numbers, I found that you only have a few more cycles to work then you’re free. As it turns out, petty larceny does not carry that long of a sentence.” I was shocked to say the least. This was the bad news?” The devil continued, “As it turns out, I have actually grown rather fond of our adversarial conversations. As you can imagine, I don’t make a lot of friends around here.”
I did not know what to think. My head was spinning and it had nothing to do with the whisky. I was going to be leaving this place and I had inadvertently found a friend in the devil. I surely wanted to get out, but now I was curious about so many things. How did the devil end up with such a crappy and lonely job? Why are there no animals nor aliens here? Does he know all of the answers of the universe? What are the two materials we are collection and where do they end up? Where does he get his scotch from? Why does he keep in such good shape? Finally, will I have enough time to get the answers to all of these questions before I go?
“You had better get going,” the devil said. “You need to find someone to take your place and make sure that person is going to keep up the union’s end of the bargain. Just remember, there are plenty of rookies in need of training and I can always go back to the old system if things don’t work out.” I assured him that he would not have to worry about the agreement nor the new replacements. I was sure that now that we had incentive, we would be so much more willing to do whatever was needed to get the job done.
I stepped toward the door, looked over my shoulder at the devil and asked, “Why the marble stunt in the first place?”
He answered, “I wanted to find out just how far you can push people before they get fed up and do something about it. I always hear plenty of complaining, but it seems strange that people just keep on working. Maybe you can tell me why people put up with so much for so long.”
“I wish I knew.” I said as I walked out the door.
Time’s up
The office door closed behind me and I was looking at a sea of anxious faces. “It’s done. We have an agreement!” I said. A loud roar of cheers filled the cool dank air. This victory was so important because it guaranteed that we would be rewarded for our work and time. The devil was still the boss and we were still the workers. Very little had actually changed in the dynamics of the workplace. When you think about it, the devil did not have to give up much at all. He should have been letting people go all along after they had served their time. The little bit of free time he threw in to sweeten the deal more than made up for with the increase in productivity. It truly was a win-win situation.
Over the next few work cycles, we elected a new union steward to take my place. Several of our co-workers were able to leave even sooner than me. We set up training schedules for our replacement workers. The new hires really did not mind being trained on how to do their new duties correctly and they actually turned into some of our best workers. Everything was in place for the United Hell Force to continue on successfully. Every resident in hell was given a number which represented the number of hell years they needed to serve.
At the end of the fifth work cycle since the agreement was ratified, the devil came to me and said, “Time’s up.”
I had to ask him, “So then, how is this going to work? Will it hurt like dying? Do I just show up on some random street corner on Earth?”
“Not at all,” the devil explained. “You will not have a vivid memory of your time here or that of your past life. It will be more like a knowing of things.”
“Cool,” I said. “By the way, let me ask you this. How did you work out the point system for so many of us so quickly?”
He said, “Turns out it was really quite simple once I let one of those I T people show me how to work a spread sheet.” Nice, I thought. I just hope that I don’t get back to Earth and find the devil on social media.
“One more thing, if I may…” I asked reluctantly. “How do I know that you won’t tempt me when I get back on Earth?”
He looked a little stern at me and said, “I don’t need to temp the people on Earth. They have free will and frequently mess up enough on their own.”
“Wait a minute.” I said. “Back in your office you tried to tempt me, remember?”
“That was different,” he said. “That was just business.” That was the end of my time in hell.
Born Again
Ok. So wow! I guess I really am born again. Somebody ought to write that down. They named me Jimmy and I don’t know what I’m going to do with this life or where I’ll end up. I seem to have an unshakeable feeling of de’ja vu. I think my life is normal for the most part. I try to do the right thing and be a good example of what a person should be. I don’t go out of my way to be super spiritual or religious, but I just accept others for who they are. Of course I mess things up in my life once in a while, but that’s just life.
My time comes and goes rather uneventfully then ends. Now this is cool! I am welcomed into Heaven by what I can only assume are angles. They tell me that I have done well and learned what was expected of me even though I have no idea as to what exactly that is.
One of the angles tells me to relax and make myself at home. The other said to me, “Help yourself to some refreshments. We have an endless supply of milk and honey now that the UHF containers arrive daily.” “WHAT THE F…?”
[Congratulations! You have completed level one of hell.]
[SAVE AND CONTINUE?] Or [RESTART]
The end.
D. A. Weeks, Hell Formed A Union
