Defenseless, page 17
However, he kept his promise, and I kept mine. That night in the vineyard was an anomaly. No more talk of making love, even though I do a shit job of not looking at him. I catch myself frequently, but for the most part . . . we’re back to Charlie and Mark—the hostile, sex-craved, sarcastic assholes who want to be on top of the world. It works better this way, even though I’m hopelessly in love with the jackass.
His eyes roll as he lays the surfboards down. “Whatever you say, Chartreuse.”
“That’s the worst one yet.”
“If you’d just tell me, I would stop having to guess. Unless your name really is Charlie?” I shake my head with a smile.
We spent some time with Aaron last night. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. He’s doing really well, and he actually had some information that might help me find Mazir. Seems I wasn’t the only one listening to everything.
“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” I smile over my shoulder as I go to put my toes in the water. I really hate this. There’s not much I’m afraid of, but sea creatures are one. I hate not being able to see what’s beneath me. It’s a vulnerability that doesn’t sit well with me. I understand, considering the amount of time Mark’s spent in the water, how this feels like home to him. I, however, do not feel the same. The only reason I agreed to this is that he promised to take me back to DC soon. I’ve been gone long enough, and all this mushy stuff between us has me spooked.
My toes dip in the cold water and I suppress a shiver. There’s no way I’m going in. It’s ice cold, and as much as I don’t do the swimming thing, I sure as hell don’t do the cold. I head back toward the beach, but I’ve barely turned before strong arms wrap around my middle, lifting me off the ground. Oh, hell no! “Mark!” I scream as he hoists me over his shoulder. “No!”
“The best way to overcome your fears is to face them head first.”
“I’m not kidding! If you do this, I’ll smother you in your sleep!” I promise as I slap his back and flail my legs. “Don’t!”
“It’s really important to know your surroundings. Here, I thought you were a spy,” he chides. “You should never let your guard down, babe. You never know when a predator is around.” His taunting is not cute.
We’re now clearly in the water. Mark seems to be completely fine with the temperature. He acts like he’s forging into bathwater. Stupid man.
“I hope your balls shrink into your throat. Maybe then I won’t be able to find them to rip them off!” He spins me around as water splashes around me. I slap his ass, which causes him to do it again. “Goddammit, Mark! Put me down!”
Mark lets out a chuckle, but his forward motion doesn’t stop. “Be careful what you ask for,” he warns.
He keeps walking deeper into the ocean as if the loud slapping against his skin is a featherlight touch. I start punching. Maybe that will deter him. “Don’t do it!” I threaten.
Instead of heeding my warning, the son of a bitch drops into a sitting position, submerging us both.
We come up for air. I glare. He glares back. Then I lunge for him. “You asshole!”
He laughs and splashes me as I try to catch him. “Gotta catch me if you’re going to kill me.” This is truly his advantage. He plunges back into the water, which is when I know I’m truly in trouble. I start to move as fast as I can toward shore, but his hands wrap around my ankles. As he yanks back, I fall forward and go under.
When I come up, he’s laughing hysterically. He moves slowly as I stand with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I hate you!” I spew the words.
“You don’t.”
“I do.”
“Not believing you,” he says. He’s standing close enough that I have to tip my head back to see his eyes. “You’re so beautiful.”
I fight the smile that begins to form. “You’re in so much trouble.”
His arms wrap around me and bring me flush against him. “I knew you would back out. This was me vetting my opponent.”
“Dead.”
“I’ll take the risk.”
He dips his head and then his lips brush against mine. I breathe him in, trying to memorize this moment. As angry as I want to be, I’ve never had so much fun. Felt so carefree and . . . safe. He brings out the playful side of me but always seems to be watching what’s going on. Mark is so much more than what he lets people see.
I stand here in his arms with our lips barely touching. The sun is behind me, casting its beautiful glow on us both. Mark’s eyes are warm, his heart is large, and for some reason, he’s trying with me. I’m far from an easy person to love. I’m not warm and fuzzy or open and honest. I’m stubborn, manipulative, cunning, and ready to crush anyone who stands in my way, because I’ve had to be. This though, is petrifying. It’s allowing someone into a heart I didn’t know I had.
Neither of us speak. The motion of the waves shifts us closer together. His lips press harder, and my arms wrap around his neck. Time drifts by us, just like the tide. I’m no longer cold, angry, or even upset. He warms me from the inside. I allow my fears to follow the current out into the great unknown. I have no more control over my heart than I do of the moon.
Mark’s lips touch the tip of my nose. “What have you done to me?”
I search his eyes. “I could ask you the same thing. You make me feel like I’m drifting.”
“I’ll keep you secure. I won’t let you float away.” Mark spins me so my back is to his chest. “See that out there?” he asks. I stare at nothing.
“See what?”
His arms wrap around me while he rests his chin on my shoulder. “It’s a clean slate. There’re no rules right here. We’re not defined by our jobs. It’s just us, open. You’re anyone you want to be.”
I recline into his embrace. “Sounds like we’re going on a mission.”
“The only mission is us.”
“And what are the risks?”
“That you’ll fall in love with me.”
“Is that so?”
I laugh as his arms tighten. “Yeah, I’d say the chances are high.”
I peer at him from the side. “I’m not so sure.”
“I never fail.”
Mark tilts down, pressing his lips to mine before I can retort. The kiss is short, but poignant. I feel it deep into my bones. He’s right. I’m doomed. I’ve already fallen in love with him, and that shouldn’t have happened. I won’t stand idly by and have something catastrophic happen. He’ll get shot this time, or worse. I’ll have to avenge the death of another person I love. I’ll lose the two men I’ve loved in my life, and realize all too late that I’m the black cloud.
“I worry about this.” I admit the abridged version of my thoughts.
He rubs his hands up and down my arms. “I would expect nothing less. Your mind is a scary place, beautiful.”
“You know I’m not one of those girls, right?”
His hands drop, and I turn to peer up into his face. I want to read his emotions. “Do tell,” he says with arms crossed.
“I don’t need—or want—you to call me every day, telling me you miss me. I don’t need flowers. Feel free to buy me purses though,” I throw in offhandedly. “And I don’t care if you sleep with other people. This isn’t a real relationship. This is fucking. Really good fucking. Fantastic even, but I won’t love you, you won’t love me, and we’ll be just fine. Oh . . .” I need to make my last point. “Don’t think I have to answer to you, either. I’m no one’s lapdog.”
Mark’s eyes narrow.
He stares without speaking.
And still nothing.
I throw my hands up. “Speak!”
He doesn’t respond verbally. No, he’s much too aggressive for simple conversation. He steps forward, grips my arms, and crushes his mouth against mine. His tongue presses forward, pushing against mine. His hands tighten as he pulls me so close that I think I could fade into him. I twist and push against him, but he controls himself more. Each swipe of his tongue against mine warms me. My breathing becomes erratic as I lose myself in his touch.
I could do nothing but kiss him all day and die happy.
Mark tears his mouth from mine, and I gasp for air. “First, fuck you and your stupid speech. You’ll answer my calls, and you’ll call me because, contrary to what you say, you like me. I’ll drive to DC just to fuck you, or because I actually miss your frustrating ass. You’ll cuddle the flowers, bears, or whatever stupid shit I send you, because secretly you love it.” His lust has turned to anger. “And I would never boss you around because that’s not who we are. But each time you try to push me away, Charlie,” he pauses as I stand before him stunned, “it’s because I scare you. It’s because you can imagine yourself falling for me, and you don’t know what to do with that.”
“Mark—” His hands cup my face, and his mouth comes back for more. My fingers fist in his hair. I pull at the wet strands as I leap into his arms and wrap my legs around him. His stupid speech. His stupid mouth that I can’t get enough of. Let’s not even talk about how turned on I am thinking of him having to drive up because he needs me.
Mark’s hands grip my ass and hold me against him as he sinks back down and allows the water to cover us. Our tongues slide and push against each other. His fingers slide through my hair as he tilts my head.
I fight for control.
I lose the battle.
“I’m going to fuck you now,” he informs me.
“The hell you are.”
“Shut up and take it.” The deep timbre of his voice sends shivers down my spine. He slips his hand between us and thrusts a finger deep inside. “So hot. You’re so fucking hot. You make it impossible to think of anything but getting my dick inside you.”
“Oh, God,” I moan as he pumps his fingers. He pushes another one in and my head falls back. Mark spins us around so his body blocks the view of any possible onlookers. “I want you so bad.”
“I know you do, beautiful.”
His head dips down and he bites my nipple through my bikini. I bite my lip to keep quiet as he does it again.
My fingers slip under the water to untie his bathing suit. Thank god for board shorts. I slip them off. Mark pushes my suit to the side. He slowly pushes himself inside me and moves deeper. “Fuck me, Charlie. Ride my dick.”
I use the buoyancy of the water to rock easier. He holds my ass in his hands and helps control it. “You feel so good,” I say against his lips.
“You feel incredible. You’re gonna be the death of me like this. Your tits bouncing in the water. Your pussy gripping my dick. I’ll die a thousand deaths if this is how I go.”
His fingers dig into the flesh of my thighs as I push faster. My climax is looming, and I can’t hold off. I use my hips to rub my clit against him. He supports my back, and my hair dips into the water when I tilt back so he hits the spot. “I’m gonna come.” I say. I’m out of breath and ready to explode.
Mark pulls my hair as he sucks on the spot right below my ear, and I fall apart. Everything goes bright while my muscles clench. I fall as he pumps his hips and draws my orgasm even longer. “Fuck,” Mark groans against my neck as he follows me.
We stay like this, entangled in each other’s arms as we both catch our breath.
“My name is Charisma,” I announce without thinking.
Mark pulls back and his eyes flash. “Really?”
“Yes,” I say, and I feel a little self-conscious about the disclosure. I hate the damn name, but now he knows. “So, now you know.”
“It fits you, beautiful. It fits you, and you fit me. I’ll never betray you, Charisma.”
A part of me is now his. A part of me I’ve never given to anyone. It shows me just how deep I really am. “I hope not.” Little does he know I’ve already done so by texting Mandi.
Mark laughs as he starts to slide out of me, and for once, this secret is killing me. I’ve been lying to him for a week. This is my thing. I’m a liar, but I can’t keep doing this. He’s broken me.
“I texted Mandi,” I blurt it out and his eyes close.
“You did what?”
“She can help.”
He huffs and turns away. “I can’t even look at you. How could you do this? How could you text her?” Mark spins back to glare at me, and he’s screaming. “Do you want to get killed? Do you need me to lose my fucking mind because something happens to you?”
I’ve never seen him like this. It’s as if I just destroyed him.
“Goddammit, Charlie! Did you think I was lying to you? That I was making this shit up for fun? The CIA is behind what happened to you.” He steps close. Every emotion plays across his face. He’s angry, that’s clear, but more than that . . . he’s hurt. “I can’t believe you.”
I need to explain this, because it makes sense. “Look, Mandi isn’t behind this. She would’ve never responded on that phone. There’s a bond between a handler and an operative. Something similar to what you and Jackson have! Why can’t you trust that I know what I’m doing?”
“Because you’re fucking blind!” Mark adjusts himself and stalks off. “You know, I thought we were finally past all this. I thought we were a team. It changed for us that night. I saw it in your eyes, but then you ask me, I say no, and you do it anyway? Fuck you!”
“No, fuck you!”
“Pretty sure you just fucked us both, babe.” My anger boils.
“Did you hit your head? Eat lead paint off the crib?” I ask with sarcasm laced through my words. “You keep putting your foot in your mouth.”
He runs his hands down his face. “You confuse the shit out of me!”
“And you piss me off!”
“Right back at you, babe!”
I start to head out of the water. I’m not about to let him scream at me. His hand grips my shoulder and he turns me. “You’re leaving?”
“I’m done arguing with you. I’m not going to justify myself. I’ve been doing this a long time. I know you feel one way, but I disagree.”
“You disagree?” he scoffs. “You disagree that you were drugged in DC at a function? Or maybe that only you were targeted? That the waiter doesn’t exist on any paperwork, and the other waiter who was supposed to attend is nowhere to be found? I’m not making any of this up! I’ve been investigating it, and all roads lead to one place.”
My mouth falls slightly agape. Okay, but that proves nothing. “And you think Mandi is involved?”
Mark groans and lifts his gaze skyward. “I think every person in your agency from your handler to your boss is a suspect. I’m pretty sure your brain is working overtime here, but you’re so stubborn you refuse to admit that you betrayed me. Me! The person who has been nothing but honest with you. Take all the other bullshit aside and see what you’ve done to me.”
“Do you think I want this right now? No! I don’t!” I inform him. “I don’t want anything to happen to either of us. But you’re out of your damn mind if you think I entered this carelessly. You dragged me on a plane to California to prove that Jackson was loyal.”
His jaw clenches. Fury radiates from him. “You—” He stops. “I—” He stops again.
“Sucks not being in control for once, huh?”
He steps forward but stops when we’re eye to eye. I wait for his typical mode of shutting me up, but he stands here. His nostrils flare and a storm rages in his eyes. I can see how angry he is.
“This isn’t about control. This is about you and me. This is about you going behind my back for how long? How many other times have you lied to me?”
I open my mouth to speak but close it before I say something I can’t take back.
“How many times have you told me something but it was just some twisted version of your truth?”
“Are you serious right now? I’ve been honest with you.”
“How many?” he yells.
I glare at him, ready to rip his throat out. “So much for not betraying me. You stupid idiot! I trusted you. I gave you something no one else has ever had. I gave you my name! If that isn’t a sign of how much I trusted you, I don’t know what is. Then, you treat me like I’ve been lying about everything? Fuck you!” Instead of allowing him to answer, I turn and leave him standing there.
“Don’t walk away from me!” he yells.
Instead of responding, I lift my middle finger in the air and head out of the water.
Once I reach the shoreline, I turn back. He hasn’t followed. No, Mark turned away, faced the vast ocean, and let me go. It hurts me, more than I care to admit. Knowing that he’s so upset—so ridiculous about me doing my job—breaks me apart.
I won’t let him hurt me. I won’t allow anyone to tear me down until I’m one of those girls. He won’t penetrate the remainder of my heart. Except . . . he already has. If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be this distraught.
When I bend down to grab my clothes, a tear falls. I hate that he’s now made me cry twice. No more. I wrap a towel around my wet body and trudge back to his house without looking back.
I check my phone and notice a new text.
Mandi: You need to come back to DC. I have something. Text me when you are in a safe place.
I call a cab, pack the rest of my things, and wait. He doesn’t return before I’m done, thank God, but that also says it all. If I were worth anything, he’d have followed. I thought things were different between us. I truly thought he loved me. Steel cages surround me and protect me from the pain. I won’t allow myself to feel it. Instead, I focus on what’s in store for me. I have a man to hunt down, and by doing so, I’ll hopefully save Mark. That can be my parting gift to him.
The driver grabs my bag and tosses it in the trunk. I open the back door and gaze out at the water once more.
“Good-bye, Mark.” I blow a kiss toward the water.
It’s time to go home and get back to work.
Mark
Of all the stupid, irresponsible shit she could’ve done, this takes the cake. To go to the one person I told her could be behind this is unbelievable. My anger toward her is beyond anything I’ve ever felt before.
Then she has the balls to tell me I’m wrong, and of course, she told me her name without me asking. Fuck. If she only knew how close I was to telling her the three little words I never thought I’d say. She’d never believe me, because even I don’t understand it. It’s too soon, she’s too frustrating, and we can barely tolerate each other.
