Devil of a Chance, page 13
He was wrong. The fire had a mind of its own, and all it wanted was to kill again. I felt its hunger. The flames stretched higher, and through their roaring, I heard Hank’s shout when he was burned alive. I saw Mom’s dead body on the floor at our old house. I watched the blood dripping from my wrists and hit the ground of the warehouse floor, where I thought my life would finally end.
Too much, it was all too much.
His grip on my shoulder disappeared. I figured he was running for the door. It was probably for the best, but a moment later, I was wrapped in his arms, and his wings were closed around me, smothering the flames.
I dug my claws into his back, straining to keep hold of something tangible. He pressed his hand to the back of my head, keeping me tucked against his chest and in the shelter his wings provided.
“—here, I’m right here,” I realized he was whispering. “You’re not alone. I can take your rage. Let it go.”
The struggle to hold back the last sliver of control vanished, and I screamed into his chest. The fire cried with me, reaching to the ceiling and charring the floor around us. When my voice cut off, the flames crackled until they went out completely. Drained, my knees buckled, but Samazrael didn’t let me fall. His wings and arms held me up while he ran his hand through my hair, talking to me. I had no idea what he was saying, but whatever it was calmed my nerves and stopped me from shaking.
I lifted my head, and his glowing gaze met mine. The lines etched into his face deepened the longer I stayed in his protective embrace. I wanted to remain there as long as possible, his wings pressed against my body, shielding me from the outside world. His hands slipped to my back, pressing me closer, and his eyes narrowed. When they dropped to my mouth, I swallowed hard, the rush of anger I’d been feeling earlier replaced by the same desire I’d felt the first time he kissed me.
His arms tensed, and right when I thought he was going to let me go, he slanted his lips across mine. They were all heat, and I dragged my claws down his back, giving in to the moment. I nipped his lip, and he growled, crushing me to him and lifting me off my feet, his lips moving passionately over mine.
As fast as it had started, he released me and stormed away.
“Samazrael?”
“I’m sorry,” he growled, keeping his back to me. His wings retreated, and he reached for the door. “I’ll see Cara returns with something else for you to eat in a while. You should rest until then.”
“Something’s obviously wrong, and it’s my fault. Can we just talk about it?”
“You should be worried about yourself right now.” He hesitated and, glancing over his shoulder, added, “This has nothing to do with you.”
“It feels like it does since it always happens around me. I might’ve been out of it the last few days, but I’m not blind.” I rushed toward him. “Does this have anything to do with why Lucifer mentioned a cell?”
He whipped around and grabbed my arms, baring his fangs at me with a furious growl. “Don’t,” he grunted. “Don’t ever ask me about that, understand? Never.” His face morphed, showing me a hint of his rage, and his lip lifted in a snarl while he held me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and he flinched, letting me go and backing to the door.
“No, I am.” He cursed and yanked the door open.
“Wait,” I said, but the door slammed shut behind him. “Damn it, seriously?”
After our return to Hell, Samazrael had spent every day watching over me. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen him struggling against his demon rage. It was the first time it’d been so bad he’d taken off.
The night Lucifer found out I was his daughter, he’d yelled something to Samazrael about letting him out of his cell. I’d been so wrapped up in myself, I hadn’t remembered until today. Obviously, I wasn’t the only one suffering here.
Or feeling as if there was far more to this relationship than just bodyguard and princess.
Lips tingling, I pressed my fingers to them and wished he’d stayed a few minutes longer. That was twice he’d kissed me, and twice he acted like he was crossing a line that neither of us had drawn as far as I knew. Was it because of Lucifer?
A spike of anger pricked my chest, but I shut my eyes, breathed in deeply, and thought of Samazrael and those leather wings of his holding me. The anger faded and my heart stopped pounding away in my chest. Whatever Samazrael’s issues were with getting close to me, he’d have to get over them. He clearly wanted me as much as I wanted him. Hell if I knew why, but I wasn’t about to simply let him pretend he hadn’t kissed me like that. I’d been around plenty of guys over the years, and none of them left me feeling anxious when they weren’t around or able to take my anger.
But Samazrael did.
“Or maybe you’re simply getting caught up in the moment,” I muttered to myself.
Puffing out my cheeks and wondering what I should do next, I glanced around the room. With the numbing fog lifted from my mind, I no longer felt adrift. Bottling everything up might’ve saved me some pain, but Samazrael was right. This was my life now. If I was going to navigate it, I had to be clear-headed.
“Well, Hank, I hope wherever you are, you won’t see whatever shit I’m about to get myself dragged into now.”
Grief brought tears to my eyes, and I let them fall. I’d let myself have one more day to mourn, then I’d have to find a way to face what was outside that door.
And what was outside that door was the King of Hell whom I’d have to see again.
Sooner or later.
Chapter 2
Samazrael
After snagging another demon to guard Ashmielle’s door and sending word for Cara, I quickly walked out of the east wing of the fortress. I’d barely made it down the corridor to my set of chambers when the storm of anger and desire ripped through me like a storm, leaving me gasping for air. Vision blurry, I staggered a few more steps forward then crashed to my knees, digging my claws into the stone floor.
Snarling, I gnashed my teeth, my face morphing while my muscles bulged beneath my skin. I’d taken Ashmielle’s fury, and in turn, my own rage burst free, ready to tear apart the next living thing to cross my path.
Each breath I sucked in was shaky, and I fought to sort out what was me and what was Ashmielle. This past week had been a torture of a different kind. In her unstable state of mind, there’d been no mental shields in place to block me from what she felt. Whatever she went through, I was right there with her, experiencing the exact same emotions. Her grief and guilt had merged with the weight of my own until I’d barely been able to stand upright. And her rage, god, her rage called to mine like a siren’s song. It took everything I had not to show that side of myself in front of her. I hadn’t left her side, not for a second. I’d been worried she’d never find a way to let the hurt go.
Thankfully, she had, but all it did was threaten to tear my soul apart more than it already was.
Clutching a hand to my chest, I shut my eyes, grit my teeth, and focused only on myself. Ashmielle’s aura clung to me like I’d wrapped my wings around my body. Even this far away, a trickle of her emotions found me and tried to yank me back to her side.
This is what you wanted, isn’t it? A reason to fight, to live. She’s giving you that.
I growled quietly at the voice, the one that had been on my side since finding Ashmielle. The others were slowly fading away with every day that passed. She was doing it, she had to be.
Or maybe Heph was right, and the echoes I carried from the cell were finally leaving me be. I knelt on the floor, breathed in deeply, and let it out. With a quiet grunt, my face shifted back, and my body relaxed. This week had been rough, but my strength was quickly returning.
Slowly, I was becoming the demon I had been before Lucifer had thrown me in a cell. Physically, at least. Mentally was an entirely different issue.
But the voice was right. These changes were because of Ashmielle.
As well as I was doing, nothing could fully erase the taint left behind from years in the ninth level of Hell. A few times, I’d entered Ashmielle’s chambers and flinched to see myself back in Dahlia’s house the night the Demon Hunters came. The vision would fade quickly, but for those few seconds, I was gripped with a terror so fierce, it widened the scars I’d buried deep. Sleeping was a near impossibility. The nightmares hardly let me get any rest. If it wasn’t my nightmares keeping me up, it was Ashmielle’s fear and hatred creating a maelstrom of chaos between her aura and my mind.
Less shaky now, I made it to my feet and prowled around my chambers. I needed to get back to Ashmielle’s side. My hands twitched, and I was back at my door without realizing what I’d been about to do.
You should go back.
“Why? So I can kiss her again?” I growled, turning from the door. “I’m her bodyguard. Nothing more.”
Are you sure about that?
Unsure what the voice meant, I ignored it and did another two laps around my chambers. They hadn’t changed in all the years I’d been gone. The simple bed, chest of drawers, and armchair with end table were all the same. I’d never been a sentimental demon and had nothing personal in here aside from a few random books I’d taken from the surface. The closet still had all my clothes. They’d been cleaned before I entered a few weeks ago, probably thanks to Cara. The bathroom was, well, the bathroom. I paused long enough to glance out the windows at the sky that never turned dark. Each time I passed the door, I reached out to open it.
And each time, I forced my hand back to my side and kept walking.
I shouldn’t feel Ashmielle’s presence this sharply. Her aura was strong, but no other demon was affected to this extent. Nothing about it made sense. And as much as I wanted to blame her fierce emotions for the reason I’d kissed her twice now, I couldn’t. If Lucifer found out, I doubted he’d want me watching over his daughter any longer. I had two jobs when it came to Ashmielle. Protect her and train her. Nothing else mattered. Whatever I felt had to be shoved as far down as it could go. Otherwise, it’d become a distraction.
Distraction was not something I could afford to deal with right now.
Is that really what you think this is? A distraction?
I stopped mid-step. “If you’re not going to be helpful, just disappear with the rest of the voices.”
The last word barely left my mouth when a chorus of furious shouts erupted in my head. I fell into the door, gnashing my teeth until they ceased as suddenly as they started.
They’re still here. They’ll never go away unless you find what’s missing.
“Missing?” I gasped, my head throbbing now. “What are you talking about?”
We’re missing something. You feel it. I know you do. What is it? What are we not seeing?
I wanted to argue, but after returning to Hell with Ashmielle, and then being around her constantly, I couldn’t stop the nagging in my gut that whatever Lucifer and Heph weren’t telling me was damned important. If it had to do with keeping Ashmielle safe, why wouldn’t they let me know? I thought about asking Heph again, but the demon was a pain in the ass. If he wanted me to know, he would’ve told me by now. And as for Lucifer, I wasn’t sure I was ready to see him face to face, not after hearing everything Ashmielle ranted to me today.
He expected me to keep him apprised of the situation. I growled at his choice of words. He’d come to see Ashmielle one time. She hadn’t been conscious, and when I told him what occurred at the bar, he said nothing like it didn’t matter she had a mental breakdown over killing humans.
If he wanted to know what she’d been through, he was going to have to ask her himself.
What she said replayed through my mind once more. She blamed herself for so much, but that wasn’t what had me itching to take my spike of fury out on the wall.
She’d tried to throw her life away. The suspicions I had about the scars on her wrists and the others on her arms were right. Picturing a younger Ashmielle feeling so lost and overwhelmed with grief that she tried to take her own life ripped a new wound in me, and I let my fist fly, cracking the stone. The pain did little to ease the guilt of knowing if I’d been able to stop the Demon Hunters that night, if I had done my job, Ashmielle wouldn’t have had to suffer so much. It took all the willpower I had not to bombard her with questions and make her swear she’d never try to harm herself again.
That was a conversation for a day when she didn’t just have another outburst.
It’s not only her past you need to worry about, the voice whispered so quietly I almost couldn’t hear it. It’s your own.
There was more, but the voice became muffled as if I’d shoved cotton in my ears. A chill chased away the heat that remained from Ashmielle’s Hellfire. When it passed, I decided I’d freshen up then head back to her chambers. I’d stay in the hall, keep some distance between us. There was no reason for me to be in the room with her.
Absolutely none.
A hand closed around my arm, and I snarled, whirling around with my claws extended. Heph’s brow rose, and he gave me a curious glance while I quickly lowered my hand, muttering an apology.
“What’s got you on edge?” he asked, glancing from me to Ashmielle’s door behind me. “You’re not still coming down from swallowing those souls, are you?”
“No,” I replied, nearly forgetting what I’d done that night. “It’s nothing.”
“Doesn’t exactly look like nothing. I thought Cara told me Ashmielle was doing better.”
“She is, for the most part.”
A quiet growl rumbled through me as Ashmielle’s aura seeped through the walls, calling to me. My eyes slipped shut, and I tilted my head, listening to her emotions. Much like the voices that had been taunting me, her aura spoke to me now. It was the strangest experience, and I’d told myself repeatedly it wasn’t normal.
And yet, I felt it was at the same time. That it was normal for me to feel her like this. I’d been spending as much time as I could in the hall, hoping space would help me figure out how to deal with what I felt whenever I was around her. Being out here didn’t do a damn thing except prevent me from asking her all the questions that were always on the tip of my tongue or her asking me what was wrong. I could watch over her just fine from the hall.
A flicker of annoyance made my lip twitch, and I scowled at the door. Ashmielle didn’t have to say a word for me to know she hated my being out here instead of in there with her. I’d barely said anything to her after the last kiss four days ago.
“Care to share why you’re out here, and she’s in there?” Heph asked. “I thought you were meant to be training her.”
“Haven’t exactly started yet,” I muttered. “She’s barely emotionally stable enough not to catch her rooms on fire by accident. When she tries to call her fire, it doesn’t always respond. Unless she’s pissed. Then she can’t always control it.” I might not stay in there with her all day long, but I went in first thing in the morning, gave her instructions for the day on how to meditate to start understanding the Hellfire burning inside her. Then, I’d step away. Unless there was an issue, like her unable to put her fire out, I’d leave her rooms. She’d tried to talk to me each time, and I pointedly ignored her questions.
Then she’d go and pull on her Hellfire and panic. I’d have no choice then but to return to her side. All it took was me taking her hand or holding her by her shoulders for the fire to settle. I was as confused as she was by her reaction to me but never stuck around to talk about it.
“Is that the only reason?” Heph asked, and I whipped my head back to stare at him.
“If you came here to say something, then say it,” I snapped.
Heph’s lips twitched, and he crossed his arms. “Did something happen between you two that you’re not telling me?”
“Why would I tell you that when it’s clear you and Lucifer are keeping shit from me?”
“Fair point.”
“And?”
He clapped me on the shoulder. “And nothing. I came here to deliver a message from our king.”
“Really? He sent you here instead of coming himself? He hasn’t been by once. You know that? Not once. He has no idea how much pain she’s in.”
“And you do?”
I bared my fangs at him and paced in front of the door, waiting for him to speak.
“Lucifer is having a dinner to announce the return of his heir,” Heph stated, and I jerked to a stop, glaring. “Ashmielle is expected to be present, of course.”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
My hand curled into a fist and nearly collided with Heph’s face until I stopped myself. “No.”
Heph’s eyes narrowed on my clenched hand, a calculating look in his eyes. “I’m afraid that’s not your decision to make. In fact, there is no decision. She’s to be present or else. And I’m also supposed to inform you that if you do not report to Lucifer beforehand with any and all information regarding Ashmielle’s whereabouts for the last twenty-five years, then you won’t like how the conversation will go if he has to summon for you.”
“She hasn’t said anything,” I lied, keeping my face blank.
Heph’s eyes narrowed. “I would remind you not to test your king’s patience. He might’ve let you continue to guard his daughter, but things can change very quickly.”
“Anything else?”
“No, just make sure she’s there tonight. I won’t be in attendance. You know how those stuck-up assholes are about having me around. Just do us both a favor and behave. Both of you.”
Heph might be Lucifer’s half-brother, but most treated him as merely another demon, even if he made the greatest weapons and armor Hell had ever seen.
He strode down the corridor, and I relaxed my stance once he was out of sight. Dinner with the demon elite? What was Lucifer thinking? Ashmielle was in no state to deal with a room full of demons, especially if Lucifer would be essentially showing her off. How could he not know this was a terrible idea? If Ashmielle didn’t hate him already for ignoring her, she would after tonight.
