Girl Desecrated 1984: Vampires, Asylums and Highlanders, page 17
The “pffft pffft” sounds of her punching the air. If she had her gloves on, that meant she probably was not holding the phone.
I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled until she answered.
“Magda! Listen, I need your help reading my tea leaves. There might be a serious message here.”
She was humming the tune again, but stopped to ask what I’d seen.
“The arch. I saw the arch in my leaves.”
“Annnnd?” She drew out the word.
“And the three.”
“The three. Hmmmmm. Annnnnd?”
“It’s too confusing to explain over the phone.”
“It’s not confusing at all. I already have your reading figured out.”
Before I could explain she was missing half of what I saw, she smacked her lips and said, “The reading is this… you must stop the threesomes because it’s making me over-emotional.”
I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I was stressed, exhausted, and pretty much heartbroken. I laughed way too long, while Magda hummed her new favourite song and sucked loudly on her cigarette.
I could barely stop laughing.
“You’re such an ass.”
“Jean says she’ll give me a ride over to your place, today.”
I listened to the line crackle in the silence. I didn’t know if I could handle Magda right now.
“I can read the leaves for you.”
Her being at my place would be a good way to keep the landlord away.
“Cool. Come over, but listen, there’s something else you need to know about the tea leaves. I shared the tea with a man.”
The scrape of a needle scratching across a record killed Robert Plant’s voice.
“What man?”
“Just some guy, but that’s not the point. I …”
“Did you screw him? Did he have a big wang?”
“Magda, for god’s sakes.”
“Tell me everryyything!”
“There’s nothing to tell. That’s why I’m reading tea leaves.”
“You didn’t jump in the sack with him? What’s up with that?”
I ignored the insult, concentrating instead on the click I heard come over the phone line. My eyelid twitched.
“Sooooo, let me come over. I’ve got some new moves I want to try on you.”
Magda was a combat nut, and she loved pitting her karate moves against my street fighting skills. She had yet to take me down. There was no way I was going to engage in a wrestling match with her. Not tonight, not anytime soon in the next week.
“We can hit the bar tonight.” She pressed. “You can introduce me to this mystery man, and I’ll help you get him between your legs.”
I heard that weird shuffle noise in the background, again.
“Magda, someone’s listening in on our conversation.”
There was total silence, and then a click.
“It was just my loser brother.”
“You don’t have a brother.”
“That’s why he’s a loser.”
She surprised me into another laugh.
“We can work on your tea reading when I get there,” she promised. “And I’ll bring my Led Zeppelin albums.”
“You know I don’t have anything to play them on.”
“Who said anything about playing them? We can just look at the covers.”
She gave a dreamy sigh, and I made a vow to get drunk. Then I remembered the cassette. “Wait!” I yelled into the handset. “Bring your ghetto blaster.”
“What for?”
“I’ve got something I want to play.”
CHAPTER 18: ANCIENT READINGS
~
WHILE I WAITED FOR MAGDA to show up, I kept one ear on the driveway, hoping the landlord wouldn’t arrive first. Every time a car drove past on the road, my hands would start to sweat, and I’d fantasize about cutting the landlord’s balls off.
Thanks to my treatments with Casbus, I could spot the crippling worry and use some strategies to put the landlord and Angus out of my mind.
Tonight, my plan was to listen to the cassette tape and jot down what it said. Then, I was going to figure out the tea leaf reading with Magda’s help. And after that? I was going to prove to Angus, and myself, and anyone else who cared, that I damn well did have a life.
The plan set, I took advantage of the landlord being away by taking a quick shower. Standing in front of my closet door mirror, I squeezed my damp body into an acid washed mini skirt. I turned to the left and then right in front of the mirror. My bare legs did look like they went on forever, and tonight, I was going to use it to my advantage. I pulled a sheer black crop top over a red bra, and then back combed my hair into a totally awesome do. Magda arrived just as I was applying the last swipe of smoky shadow to my lids.
I opened the door. With my backcombed hair and my red pumps, I was over six feet tall. My vibe shouted I was ready to rock.
Magda leaned back, slid her John Lennon sunglasses down her nose, looked me up and down and announced her verdict. “Radical!”
I laughed, secretly pleased by her compliment.
As I held the door open for her to maneuver through, Jean pulled away in the station wagon, waving from the car.
“Hey, isn’t your step-mom coming in?”
“What for?” Magda smirked, putting the ghetto blaster and her military green canvas bag on my coffee table. She dug in her jean jacket pocket and held up a little, brown vial between her finger and her thumb. “She’d just be a bummer at the party.”
“Deadly!” I grinned back, shut the door and locked it.
Two burned knives later, I was hacking away, trying to clear what felt like a hairball in my throat, but oh, life was so much funnier.
“I’m surprised at you.” Magda turned sideways in the living room chair to hang her feet off the side.
The back of my head was resting against the couch. The ceiling was way too interesting at this moment to answer Magda. She kept talking anyway.
“Normally, you’d be all pissy.”
“What do you mean?”
She raised her voice in an imitation of a frightened little girl and waved her hands around. “Oh, the landlord.”
“Yeah, well, things change.” I sounded as if I were in complete control of the situation.
“Really? What’s changed? Did you finally spread your legs for the old creep?”
She was killing my high. I pushed myself up into a sitting position, not caring that my miniskirt was almost around my waist.
“How long have we known each other, Magda?” My voice droned out in the robotic tone I reserved for bullies and my mother.
“Long enough for you to have smoked 400 cigs I’ve paid for!”
Her answer made me forget where I was going with my question, so I ignored her and turned my attention to the cigarette case Magda had tossed onto the coffee table. I could hear her complaining. I didn’t answer. I ran my fingertips over the tinfoil slip protecting the filters. The rough feel of the tin paper drew me in, the crackling a mesmerizing reaction to my touch.
“Rachel!”
“What?” I put the cigarette case down and gawked my eyes.
“You’re such a space cadet!” She waved her hand in the air. A bubble of stoned laughter slipped past her lips.
I was still confused, “What?”
Magda imitated me, “What?”
The tickling in my cheeks pulled my mouth up into a smile, and I cracked up.
She slurred out some unintelligible line followed by blurts of stoned laughter.
“Stop it!” I slapped the couch cushion beside me in mock outrage. At the impact, a cloud of dust blew up from the old cushions to whiten the air.
I barked out a shocked laugh. Magda slapped her forehead with her hand and then pointed at my couch.
“Time to dust!” she shrieked.
“You think?” I leaned back and belly laughed. That was just too funny. Who gave a shit if there was dust when you’re going nuts! I laughed until a cramp started in my stomach muscles.
“Stop!” I begged and pushed the bubbling urge down, while I gasped for air. Then I remembered my gums, and sobered instantly. A gentle probing with tissue showed no more bleeding.
Slowly, Magda calmed, shaking her head and moaning out some call on mercy.
“Okay, okay.” I finally remembered our purpose. “So, listen, Magda, I want your help with this tea leaf thing.”
I retrieved my notepad and shoved it into her hands. She took hold of it but stared up at me with a stubborn look.
“What were you wiping at your teeth for?”
“Gingivitis. Now pay attention.”
I tapped the paper with my red fingernail, trying to draw her eyes to the symbols and lines I had jotted down.
She squinted at my face as if trying to see past my closed lips into my mouth.
“Magda, please.”
“Fine!”
Her delicate hands shook out the pad making the pages fan with a whoosh. She blinked a few times, comically drawing the pad closer to her nose and then pushing it out away from her face, as if she couldn’t read my drawings.
“C’mon!” I went back to my spot on the couch, fighting the urge to giggle. “Only you can tell me my future.”
She gave me a sly look. “If you only knew.”
“Knew what?” I was confused again.
“Knew how to read your own damn tea leaves.”
She tugged off her jean jacket, and I became mesmerized by the big blue eye on her Cheap Trick “All Shook Up” World Tour T-shirt. Leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, she took a closer look at my drawings.
I waited while she scanned the pages, pulled up one side of her lip and bit the end of the pencil.
“On the phone you said you shared the tea with a man, right?”
“Right.”
“That means everything I read in the symbols has to be taken in the context of that sharing.” She watched me for a minute. “Understand?”
“Maybe.” The drugs were interfering with my ability to think clearly.
Magda looked back at my notes. “This symbol is interesting.”
“Which one?”
She held up the paper and aimed the pencil’s point at one of the tea leaf sketches.
“Washroom for men, right?”
She sucked in her cheeks and gave me the ‘you’re an idiot’ look.
“It’s more than a washroom sign. It’s Mars.”
I smirked. “Tell me more, Professor.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know how you get through life. Listen. The signs come from … never mind… basically, the “washroom” sign represents Mars, iron, and men.”
I was already getting bored and started picking at my nail. “That’s what I said.”
“Okay. So this sign is used now for washrooms, but at one time it represented other things… like….like uh…”
She was giving me a funny look, as if debating whether to share with me or not.
“Like what Ms. Know-it-all?”
“Like biennial plants.”
I chuckled. “Waiting here for something relevant.”
“Everything could be relevant… that’s the point.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Okay fine, what’s a biennial plant?”
“A plant that flowers once every two years.”
“So, something you don’t want in your garden, right? Cause what’s the point?”
“Maybe,” she leaned back in her chair. “So this, what you say you found in your tea leaves…” She waved the paper at me. “Let’s say its a typical male sign with a circle and arrow.”
I nodded. “Let’s say that.”
I started to laugh at the seriousness of it all.
“But!” She interrupted me. “Why is the arrow turned backwards? That’s my first question.”
“Right,” I giggled, again.
I tried to put my thinking cap on. “Maybe it’s not really talking about a man?”
“No, it’s too detailed and specific. Do you know how hard it is to create a symbol like this with tea leaves?” She looked at me as if expecting an answer.
I started to shake my head, no, but she continued her little rant. “We have to respect that.”
“Ohhhh kay.” I reached for another smoke. “Respecting the tea leaves, here.”
She tapped the yellow pencil against her teeth. “It’s a male symbol.” Tap, tap. “But maybe the man doesn’t know he’s a man.”
“Like, omigod! Who couldn’t know?” I raised my hands in the air. “I can tell if someone’s a man from 20 feet away.”
“Is he a man?”
I frowned at her. “Who?”
“Duh!” She tilted her head, her chestnut hair falling like a curtain to the side. “The guy who shared the tea!”
I closed my eyes and let myself float back to that kiss. “God, he is undeniably a man.”
I lit the smoke, and blew out a fountain of grey into the air before me, thinking of Angus’ fine body.
“Oh, oh, somebody’s got it bad,” she mumbled, while she scribbled on the page. “Is this serious? Is this something I should know about?”
My high started to drop out at the bottom, dragging my emotions into a downer that only drugs can produce. “Don’t hold your breath. I think it’s over.”
“That’s a surprise.”
I slipped on a fake smile, trying not to be a downer. “So, the arrow points in…” I encouraged.
Magda was rude, but she was easy to redirect.
She scratched at the back of her head. “Maybe he has an inverted penis.”
I burst out into stoned laugher, choking on my smoke.
“How would that even work?” Magda was making all these lewd hand gestures.
“Stop, please…” I begged her, while tears ran down my face. I didn’t want my make-up ruined.
“Well does he have an inverted penis?” she asked.
“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t know. I didn’t look.”
“What’s wrong with you? You always look.”
I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to share with Magda.
“He’s… different.”
She flopped her hand in a weak wristed flap. “Diff-her-ant?”
“Or different?” Her golden-hazel eyes dominated her heart shaped face as she waited eagerly for my answer.
“Seriously.” I shook my head, but couldn’t stop smiling. “Just… not my regular type.”
She nodded and marked something down on the notepad. “Okay, so maybe that’s the backwards arrow. He’s a man, but not your regular man.”
I accepted her theory.
She looked at the markings I had written on the paper, then asked, “So, what’s with the thistle?”
“What thistle?”
She held up the pad and pointed to what I had thought was a puffer fish.
“That’s… is a thistle… what d’ya know.”
“Hmmm…” She was really getting into this. “So, thistles are plants, prickly, purple flower, feed the Goldfinch, symbol of Scotland.”
“Ohhhh.”
How could I have not connected to the Fergus Highland Games sign posted by the local high school? The one that had the big thistle on it.
“Scottish!” I slapped my thigh “He’s from Scotland!”
My heart started an excited pattering in my chest. “This reading is about him!”
Magda gave me a strange look, almost like a teacher would look at a student who was being led to an obvious answer. “Well, I’d say it’s pretty straightforward.”
“The reading?” I leaned toward her, excited to hear what she thought.
“Sure. He’s a Scottish man who is not your typical man. The arch in your leaves brings you together, and the Ram symbol, the V stands for fire, cleansing, or rebirth. He’s going to transform you, Rachel. In ways you can’t imagine.”
She threw the notepad down onto the table like she was making a touchdown with a football.
“Humma!”
A guffaw forced its way through my lips, buzzing out like a raspberry. At the ridiculous sound, I succumbed to hysterical giggles.
Magda laughed with me.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I let out a happy sigh.
“Okay, what about the three?” I asked when she’d calmed down.
“Isn’t it obvious?” she said. “The transformation is pregnancy. You’re going to give birth.”
“What?” I sat up straight and pulled my skirt down. “No way!”
“Well then, stop. That’s why you have the X warning. Stop now, while you’re ahead. Unless you want to be transformed into a big, fat preggo.”
The image was too much, and I burst into another fit of giggles.
“Let’s have some moosack!” Magda rifled through her bag.
“Wait! Wait! I want you to play something else.”
I hurried to the fridge and looked behind it for the cassette tape I’d chucked. It wasn’t visible so I tried to muscle the fridge away from the wall.
Magda was babbling on about wanting me to hear some top ten Much Music runaway hit, while I stared at the humming motor, a little worried about the wires and metal tubes at the back of the fridge. It was old, and I wasn’t sure what kind of safety rules they’d had, back when they made this model.
I squeezed behind the fridge, bending my knees and lowering myself down enough to reach under it. I was wiggling and grunting so I didn’t hear Magda approach.
“Be careful you don’t get electrocuted,” she warned, in a soft, low voice.
A spider skittered along the wall.
I couldn’t get any lower from this angle, so I cautiously pushed out from behind the fridge. Magda was standing too close to me. “What did you say?”
She looked a little calculating, but then her face cleared. “Be careful back there.”
I hoped the hash wasn’t making me paranoid.
“What are you looking for anyway?” She craned her neck trying to see behind me.
This time I squatted first and slipped my upper body between the wall and the fridge. “It’s a tape.”
“What kind of tape? And why’s it back there?”
