A Cowboy's Reunion (Family Ties Book 1), page 15
“It always did.” She spoke so quietly, he wondered if he had heard her correctly.
“That song you were singing…”
“It’s about you.”
Her admission was like an arrow to his soul. Hard, piercing, and life-changing.
Kane couldn’t stand the distance between them. He drew her into his arms and turned her head up to him. Her arms slipped around his waist, and he laid his head on hers, holding her close, letting them have this moment.
Your love has lingered on my soul.
“I never stopped caring about you,” he said. “Never.”
She clung to him, then drew back enough so their gazes locked.
He wasn’t sure what to expect, but the pain deep in her eyes concerned him. “I never stopped caring either,” she said. “And because of that I made some bad mistakes.” She stopped, her voice choking.
He didn’t want to talk anymore. He brushed a gentle kiss over her lips. Then another one, and then he kissed her in earnest, his mouth moving over hers, drawing a willing response. Her arms wove around his neck, holding him against her, deepening the kiss.
This was right. This was true.
Each time they were together, each time he kissed her, he felt as if they were moving back to a place he’d been yearning for ever since she left.
“I’m so sorry,” she said quietly, finally ending the kiss, laying her head on his shoulder. “Not for the kiss, but for, well, everything else.”
He didn’t want to say anything more to add to the guilt she seemed to carry. For now, it was enough that they were together. Holding her close made him dare think of a future beyond the moment.
Maybe, just maybe, things would come together for them.
You have to tell him.
Faith sat down on her bed, her lips still warm from Kane’s kisses, her heart pounding from their moment of togetherness. She felt as if they had moved to a place of no return, and she wasn’t sure what to do in this new territory.
Tricia’s words rang through her head, braided through with Kane’s admission that he had never forgotten about her.
You’re not the girl you used to be, you’re not the girl he remembers.
Faith wrung her hands, her knuckles white, then lowered her head as she prayed.
“Dear Lord, I haven’t spent a lot of time with You lately, but I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t deserve what’s been happening. Kane doesn’t deserve it either. What do I do?”
She waited a moment, as if to give the Lord time to recognize who she was.
What should she feel now? Some answer? Divine guidance?
She walked over to her suitcase. Now that Tricia was back, Faith had moved into the room beside Tricia's. It was smaller but was also connected to the bathroom. She knew this was Lucas’s old room. But unlike Elliott’s, there was no evidence of its previous occupant.
Faith squatted down, unzipping one compartment of the suitcase. She dug to the bottom of a pile of blue jeans, pulled her Bible out, and walked to her bed. Her grandfather had given her this Bible when she graduated high school. He had her name engraved on it. She opened it up and once again read the inscription inside.
“To my dear granddaughter, with hopes for a bright and successful future. Trust in the Lord always and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”
Faith knew which paths her grandfather wanted her to walk on. Definitely not the one she had chosen.
She flipped through the Bible, feeling tiny jolts of shame as she saw notes she had made in margins. Most of these happened in the Bible study she attended in college. She had been so lonely for Kane and for home that she leaned on her faith and read her Bible regularly. When she wasn’t doing homework, she was taking part in one of the two Bible studies she was involved in. Her faith in God helped mitigate the loneliness she felt. Not only the loneliness, but an underlying and unspoken fear that Kane’s push for her to go to college was a way to get rid of her. At the time it was the only way she could understand and explain the pressure he put on her. The same pressure her grandfather did.
She knew better now, but as she saw the comments jotted down in the margins, she felt as if time had slipped back, and once again she was that lonely, uncertain, and frightened young girl.
A corner of a page was folded over. She turned to it and saw a highlighted passage from Psalm 103.
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Faith traced her fingers over the words, remembering herself as an earnest student, a sincere Christian girl struggling with forgiveness for—what? Not studying hard enough? Not getting top grades like her grandfather always insisted she do?
Oh girl, what little you knew of sin, Faith thought, speaking to her younger self. She leaned back against the headboard of the bed, pulling her knees up, the Bible resting against them.
She reread the passage, wondering what her optimistic and innocent younger self would say to her now.
Could God really forgive what she had done? What she had thought? What she had hoped for?
And what had actually happened?
Unconsciously she laid her hand on her stomach, feeling once again the confusion of emotions that had spun through her when she first saw those lines on the pregnancy test. Positive.
Her first emotion had been panic, and right behind that fear of how he would react.
She hadn’t always feared Keith.
When she first met him, he was full of compliments over her music. Encouraged her to try writing songs. He’d been the one to convince Gavin to try some of her songs.
That was the ultimate rush for Faith. Singing her songs with the band as the audience clapped along, and cheering when a set went well. The drums, guitars, electric piano blending with their voices in perfect harmony, belting out tunes they spent hours practicing in small, rented halls. Her tunes.
It made up for the lousy wages and the crappy motels they stayed in when they were touring.
And every time a performance went especially well, Keith would grab her and swing her around, tell her how amazing she was. They spent more time together, staying up after a performance, jamming, trying out new songs. Keith would look her way, grinning his encouragement. She was caught up in the excitement, the thrill of it all. Then glances turned to touches, which turned to kisses. She tried to keep it at that, but he kept pushing and pushing. The nights were long and lonely, and she finally gave in. Eight weeks later she was pregnant. She kept it quiet, not sure what to tell him. Not sure what to think.
Keith became more demanding. More possessive. He was angry whenever someone in the audience paid her a compliment, or, worse, tried to buy her a drink after their set if they played in a bar.
She wanted to break up with him, but if she did it would cause such incredible tension for the band, and they were starting to go places. And she was carrying his baby.
She wondered how much longer she could keep her pregnancy a secret from not only Gavin but Keith. Because this was his child too, she knew she had to tell him eventually.
Then, after a horrible performance at a rodeo, things went downhill. Gavin berated them all for not being in the zone. For letting distractions infiltrate the music. The most important thing was the music, he kept saying, zeroing in on Faith, as if it was all her fault.
She thought he would kick her out. Thought he had found out about the baby. Fear had gripped her and that night, she wished the baby was out of her life. She had nowhere to go. Her grandfather wouldn’t take her back, and she couldn’t live on the road with a baby. She felt cornered and lost.
And then, two days later, she had a miscarriage and lost the baby. She was inconsolable. She blamed herself. The erratic lifestyle.
Her horrible wish.
When Keith found out, he didn’t comfort her. Didn’t give her any sympathy.
Probably for the best, he had said. A baby would mess up what they had going. Would mess up the music and the band.
She had been crushed by his indifference and weighed down with a burden of sorrow and guilt.
Their relationship went downhill from there. Professionally, the time between gigs grew larger. Gavin kept promising that he had a line on a great tour they could open for.
However, Keith grew distant. Angry. Sullen. He drank more.
Then, one day, as Faith was ignoring the heckling from the crowd in a particularly sleazy bar, the sadness that had haunted her since she lost the child overcame her like a dark, heavy blanket. She couldn’t do this anymore.
That night, Keith got drunk and belligerent. He accused her of flirting with someone in the crowd. Told her she wasn't playing like she should. That she'd lost her touch. The more he drank, the louder and more cruel he got. Finally, she’d had enough. She told him she was leaving. Leaving him, the band, this life that was nothing like she’d imagined.
His slap across her face sealed the deal. She wasn’t sticking around to find out what would happen next time. After contacting Stacy and discovering she might have a line on a decent job for her, Faith packed her backpack, grabbed her guitar and, in the middle of the tour that was supposed to be the band's big break, she walked away.
But as she did she felt as if she was moving backwards, returning to the life she had left behind.
And now she was here. Back at the ranch. She’d come full circle. Her emotions for Kane resurfacing, shifting. Her choices for her life going in a direction she couldn't see the end result of.
If Kane had been enraged over an innocent kiss with Elliot, how would he react to her relationship with Keith? With her pregnancy and the loss of her child? If she told him would she lose him again?
But in spite of her doubts, she owed Kane the truth.
Maybe, possibly, he could forgive her.
That would take some kind of miracle.
All she could do was pray.
Chapter 17
“Hold still, munchkin,” Faith muttered as she twisted Hope’s hair into the second pigtail, setting the brush down on the bathroom counter.
“Owwie,” Hope shrieked, pressing her hands to her head.
“Oh, honey. It doesn’t hurt that much.” Faith chuckled at the dramatics.
“Sounds like another Sunday torture session,” Zach called out from the kitchen.
“Hope sure seems to think so.” Tricia stood in the doorway of the bathroom, leaning against the doorjamb, smiling as she watched Faith work. Tricia’s face still held remnants of bruising despite a liberal application of foundation. Her eyes still held a haunted look, and Faith knew she was still in a lot of pain.
“Are you sure you want to go to church?” Faith asked, smoothing the little girl’s hair, still hoping that Tricia would say no.
Not only did Faith want an out, Tricia had really struggled yesterday. Her arm had ached, she had excruciating pain in her ribs when she breathed, her legs kept cramping, and she’d slept most of the afternoon.
Saturday hadn’t been a great day for Faith either. All Friday night her mind relived the kisses she and Kane had shared. Again. The kisses that held hope, promise, and potential.
Things were moving in a direction she never thought possible, and because of that she knew Kane deserved the truth. She couldn’t put it off any longer.
However, when she dragged herself out of bed Saturday morning, hoping to catch Kane at breakfast, she’d discovered that he had left early to take the tractor into town for repairs.
Kane didn’t come back until later that night, and then he had to deal with a cow calving. He only had time to give her a discreet smile and touch her hand as he came through the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. She had hoped to go out and sit with him, but the twins were rambunctious and Tricia wasn’t feeling well, so she’d stayed with them. Finally, exhausted, she had crawled into bed herself.
This morning, Kane wasn’t at breakfast either. She didn’t know if he was sleeping in, prepping the ranch for the showing, or getting ready for church like they were.
Every time she missed him it was as if the burden of the story she was carrying grew heavier.
Maybe she should just leave it? Maybe it wouldn’t matter?
Tricia pushed herself away from the doorjamb and limped into the bathroom. “To tell you the truth, part of me wants to stay home. But I need to go to church. It’s been ages, and I need spiritual nourishment. People will find out I’m back. They always do in Rockyview. Might as well face people now, rather than later.”
Faith wished she had Tricia’s confidence. She wasn’t too eager to head to church and face a God she’d disobeyed and ignored.
She turned back to Hope, who was squirming on her chair, and tied a curly ribbon on each pigtail. “There you go, missy. All done.”
Hope pulled her hands away from her face and scowled in the mirror. Her dark look brightened as soon as she saw her reflection. She patted her pigtails, grinning now. “Pretties,” she said. “Show Grampa.”
“Do I look okay?” Tricia asked Faith, tweaking her own blonde curls, pulling them closer around her face.
“You look almost as beautiful as you usually do,” Faith said with a smile, brushing her own hair. She wore it loose today, dark against the white shift she had chosen. She didn’t have a lot of choices, and she hoped it would be okay.
“Well, you’re looking especially gorgeous,” Tricia returned. “I hope Kane is impressed.”
Faith couldn’t stop the faint blush at Tricia’s comment. “I don’t know if he’ll be coming to church today. He’s been busy.”
“He’ll be there. He knows how important it is to Dad to show up. Plus, I think Kane will want to be with you.”
Her words were a gentle comfort, and she held them close as she caught Cash and Hope by the hand and headed out of the room.
She looked amazing.
As Faith walked into the kitchen, leading Cash and Hope all dressed up in their Sunday best, his heart lifted. She wore a simple white dress that set off her perfect complexion and contrasted with the dark curls falling over her shoulders.
He wanted to get up and walk over to her, pull her close, and kiss her again.
Yesterday had been one long train wreck of busyness and running around. He got up early, hoping to get the cows fed on time so he could spend part of the day with Faith, Tricia, and the kids. But then the tractor broke down, and he had to take it into town. Things went downhill from there.
The whole time he had been gone, he kept thinking about what Faith had said. The fact that she had encouraged him to talk to his father about taking over the ranch made him wonder if her plans were changing.
When he had kissed her, and she had responded so eagerly, hope had once again bloomed in his chest.
“Good morning,” he said, looking up at her.
“Good morning to you too,” she said, sounding formal. But the smile she gave him was anything but. Her eyes held a glimmer of affection, and he knew he hadn’t imagined her response the other day.
As she settled the kids in their chairs, Tricia limped into the kitchen. She wore her hair loose, curling around her face, hiding the bruises. He recognized the pink dress as one they bought for her when he and Faith brought her home from the hospital.
“You look nice, Tricia,” Zach said to his daughter. “You coming to church too?”
“I really want to,” Tricia said. “Is that okay?” She sat down beside Zach, and he took her hand in his, holding it close.
“Of course it is. Church is the place we go when we need each other and God.” He leaned closer to her and gently brushed a kiss over her cheek. “I’ll be very proud to have my two kids with me in church.” Then he looked up at Faith. “Are you coming as well?”
Faith nodded. Her response made Kane sweep in a deep breath of thanks. Each moment they spent together solidified the faint hope that grew with each kiss.
“Kane made breakfast,” Zach said, pushing a platter with a large stack of pancakes on it toward them.
“Aren’t you getting to be the domestic,” Tricia said with a teasing note in her voice.
“I can hold my own with the flipper,” Kane returned.
Kane was glad to see his sister smiling, but part of him felt she was a little too flip. A little too comfortable. She seemed to act as if nothing had happened. As if he and Faith hadn’t picked her up from the hospital battered and bruised. As if they hadn’t taken care of the children they knew nothing about while she was there. Had she learned anything from her situation?
He pushed the questions aside as he helped Faith get the kids’ pancakes ready. It didn’t matter what he thought. Tricia had to figure things out for herself. He didn’t feel like getting pulled into the drama of her life. He had other priorities.
He looked over at Faith, the largest part of his other priorities, just as she glanced at him. Their eyes held, and Kane felt as if the possibility could become a reality. Did he dare make plans yet?
“Yummy pancakes,” Cash said. “Want another.”
“What do you say?”
Tricia and Faith spoke at exactly the same time.
Faith held her hand up to Tricia in a gesture of apology. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“Please don’t apologize,” Tricia said. “You are taking care of my children, and you have every right.”
The note of contrition in her voice made Kane feel a little better.
“You guys better hurry up,” Zach said, wiping his mouth and slowly getting to his feet. “We have to leave for church in about fifteen minutes.”
This created an immediate hustle as food was eaten, plates were cleaned, brought to the dishwasher, and loaded up.
Kane still had put the car seats back in the truck, so he took Tricia and the children, and Faith rode with Zach.
