In Such Good Company, page 15
Oliver wants to know who he is, and Lyle tells him that he is the best doctor money can buy. Oliver wants to know how the doctor knew Jenny was sick, and he replies that he heard the sappy music.
He examines Jenny and quietly informs Oliver that she has only five minutes to live. Devastated, Oliver puts on a happy face and skips over to Jenny, and lies to her, saying that the doctor says she’s going to be fine. She’s thrilled to hear the news and when Oliver asks her if she’d like something to eat (What she says next is one of my very favorite lines in all the sketches we did), she replies, “I’d love a four-minute egg.”
The sketch ends when Lyle informs Oliver that whatever disease Jenny had…“is very contagious” and Oliver coughs and collapses on the bed next to Jenny, while the doctor pulls out a tiny violin and plays sad music.
THE END
—
I heard from Ali MacGraw that she loved our spoof. At a party, not too long after the show aired, Ryan O’Neal, who played Oliver in the movie, cornered me and told me in no uncertain terms that he hated it, and “that guy who played me was awful!”
Huh?
“The Funn Family”
Our salute to the backstage musical: Vicki, John Davidson, me, and Mickey Rooney.
In December 1967, our first season, we did the first of our many takeoffs on a type of movie, the backstage musical made popular in the forties and fifties. These were basically soap operas with music, especially those put out by 20th Century Fox. Our plots didn’t satirize a specific film, but incorporated several movies. They were written completely from scratch, with the original songs and book by our writers. This particular send-up holds a special place in my heart. It was the first of many to come over the next eleven years.
Our movie musical salute was called “The Funn Family,” written by a talented writing team who wrote both the book and the songs. It was the story of a vaudeville family in the early 1900s featuring Papa (Mickey) Funn, Mama (Fanny) Funn, and their children, Sonny Funn and Sissy Funn. Their act was terrible, and they were booed off the stage wherever they performed…however, they were grateful to have the fruits and vegetables that were thrown at them every so often.
Our guests that week were John Davidson, who played Sonny Funn, and Mickey Rooney, who was Papa Funn. I played Mama Funn and Vicki was Sissy Funn.
ACT I
The early 1900s. A vaudeville stage. The Four Funns are singing their signature song:
There’s no family like a show family
Like no family I know
Each of us is working for a common cause
And all we want for pay is your applause, applause, applause,
Because you’ve no business here in show business
If you’re only in the business for the dough
Oh! There’s no family like a show family
Like no family I know!
They finish the number to the sound of only one person clapping.
In their backstage dressing room Sonny apologizes to Papa for messing up part of his performance.
SONNY: “I’m sorry, Dad, but there was a guy in the second row who was making strange noises with his hands!”
PAPA: “Sonny, that man was applauding!”
SONNY: “Well, it was very rude of him, Dad. The only time he stopped was when you came on!”
Papa shoots him a dirty look. Mama pulls Papa aside.
MAMA: “Father, was that really applause?”
PAPA: “I wouldn’t swear to it, Mother. It’s been a while…I think so.”
MAMA: “That must be what it’s like to be in the big time!”
PAPA: “All we need to break into the big time is to get a new image! A new number!”
At this point, Papa comes up with the idea of writing a “Patriotic Song!” Encouraged by Mama, Sonny, and Sissy, he writes the song for a “Patriotic Trio.” Papa (at the piano), Mama (wielding the American flag), Sonny (playing a drum), and Sissy (with a fife) sing the new number, ending with:
Yes, everyone knows
America’s foes
Are gonna get their licks
We’re the Spirit of…Seventy-Six!
As they finish, Ziggy Flofeld (Harvey) enters the dressing room. He’s applauding.
SONNY: (Alarmed) “Dad! Dad! There’s that man doing that terrible thing again! Make him stop, Dad! Sing something!”
ZIGGY: “Forgive me for barging in. I’m Ziggy Flofeld.”
ALL: “Ziggy Flofeld!!! The world-famous producer???”
ZIGGY: “The one and only. I happened to be passing by your dressing room on my way to Rangoon, and I heard that song you were singing. You may not believe this, but there’s a spot in my next ‘Flofeld Follies’ for a Patriotic Trio.”
PAPA: “Patriotic Trio! That’s great! How many in a trio?”
MAMA: “Three, Father.”
The penny drops (!) and Papa, realizing that there are four of them, begins to unsuccessfully grapple with Sonny for his drum! When Sissy won’t relinquish her fife, Papa and Mama struggle over the flag she’s holding!
MAMA: (Finally, tearfully crying out) “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! Is this what show business does to people? Turns father against son? Daughter against father? Wife against husband?” (Pause) “Patriotic Trio…against father? I’m sorry, Mr. Flofeld, but if that’s what success in show business does to people, we want no part of it. Do we, kids?”
They don’t answer.
MAMA: (Annoyed) “Do we, kids?…Kids?”
SONNY AND SISSY: (Reluctantly) “Mom’s right.”
Papa is touched by Mama’s speech, and bravely gives in.
PAPA: (Tearfully) “Here, Fanny, you keep your flag. I don’t want it said that I’d stand in the way of my family’s happiness. Don’t worry, Mr. Flofeld, you’ll get your Patriotic Trio.” (False bravado) “Yes, I’ve been thinking of going out on my own! And now I can do it without hurting anybody! Yes, I’m gonna leave. Mother, don’t cry.” (Kisses her) “This is no time for tears. I’ll be back, my darling. I’ll be back when I’m a success.”
He sadly leaves the dressing room.
SISSY: “I guess we’ll never see him again.”
ACT II
Four years have passed, and the Patriotic Trio has been a big hit in the “Flofeld Follies.” Ziggy is now featuring them in a brand-new “Heavenly Production Number.”
The curtain opens and we see angels dancing around. There are clouds high upstage. Sonny and Sissy are sitting together with a gold telephone between them. They sing:
Mother, Dear Mother, Dear Mother’s gone away
She’s gone away before
But now she’s gone away to stay
The angels carried Mother
Way up in the sky
Before she had a chance to say good-bye
We miss the mother we once knew
As orphaned orphans often do
We know that you must miss us, too
And so we’ve placed this call to you
The upstage clouds part and we see Mother up in heaven. She’s wearing wings and sporting a halo. Her gold telephone rings and she picks it up. They all sing:
SONNY: “Hello, heaven, let me speak to Mother.”
MOTHER: “Hello, son, this is your mother dear. How are you and how’s your little sister?”
SONNY: “Sis is fine, and standing over here.” (Hands Sissy the phone) “Here.”
SISSY: “Hello, Mother, how are things in heaven?”
MOTHER: “Heaven’s heaven, but I miss you all.”
SONNY AND SISSY: “We miss you, too, let’s keep in touch.”
MOTHER: “But telephoning costs so much. Next time, reverse the charges when you call.”
Mama, Sonny, and Sissy are now major stars. Unknown to them, all these years, Papa has been with them, posing as a stagehand, disguised as Old Charlie, watching from the wings!
ACT III
Old Charlie is in the dressing room when Mama, Sonny, Sissy, and Ziggy enter, flush with their latest success. Ziggy is smitten with Fanny, and when he goes to hug her, Old Charlie physically puts himself between them. Ziggy complains, and Mama explains.
MAMA: “This is Old Charlie, Ziggy, he’s one of your stagehands. You know, he’s been hanging around Sonny and Sissy and me ever since Father left years ago. We feel like he’s almost one of the family.” (Pushing him out of the way, dismissively) “Go over there, Old Charlie.”
ZIGGY: “Fanny, I can’t wait to tell you about my new idea for the Three Funns!”
SONNY: “Ziggy, Mom, I’ve got to tell you something.”
MAMA: “What is it, Sonny?”
SONNY: “I’m quitting show business. I’ve been in it long enough and I’m ready to take the next step!”
MAMA: “What next step, Sonny?”
SONNY: “Politics, Mom…I wanna be president of the United States!”
There is a pause, and then Mama hauls off and decks Sonny in the breadbasket!
MAMA: “Where did I go wrong???” (She apologizes to Sonny for knocking him down) “I guess from now on it’ll just be Sissy and me.”
SISSY: “Mom, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, and now’s as good a time as any.”
ZIGGY: (To Sissy) “Shhhush…!”
SISSY: “Not that, Uncle Ziggy! Mom, you know I’ve always had a deep interest in medicine.”
MAMA: “But show business is in your blood!”
SISSY: “And I want to get out of it.”
Mama relents. Sonny and Sissy leave to celebrate. Ziggy confesses his love to Fanny with Old Charlie still in the room looking on. Fanny tells Ziggy how she feels about love:
FANNY: “I’m a one-man woman, and I’m one woman whose man is a one-woman man, and when a one-man woman has won a one-woman man, the one man that that one woman won…is the one.”
Old Charlie nods.
ZIGGY: “I knew you were gonna say that.”
Ziggy convinces Fanny that he can make her the biggest star ever!
ZIGGY: “What do you say to that?”
OLD CHARLIE: (Piping up) “It’s a deal!”
ACT IV
The years fly by, and now we find Fanny, as a very old lady, receiving a big show business honor for all the decades she has been a star: “A TRIBUTE TO THE GREATEST FANNY OF THEM ALL!”
After a huge production number, Fanny enters leaning on a cane and dressed to the nines. She speaks:
FANNY: “Ladies and gentleman, I am told that you have all come tonight to pay tribute to me. If this is so, you are paying tribute to the wrong person…True, I have won fame and fortune, but I owe it all to one person.” (A very old Ziggy enters from the wings) “I’m speaking of my husband…” (Ziggy makes a hasty exit, and Fanny looks after him) “You old fool!” (Returning to her speech) “Mickey’s not here. He left me many, many years ago, but he left me with two wonderful children…” (She nods off for a minute, then wakes up) “…two wonderful children who have gone on to great heights and have made this old woman very proud, indeed. I’m speaking of my son, Sonny Funn, whom some of you might know is president of the United States…and my daughter, Sissy Funn, five-time Nobel Prize winner and discoverer of a positive cure for hickeys. And now I would like to ring down the curtain on my fabulous career by singing the first song the Four Funns ever sang together.” (Tearfully, looking up to heaven) “Mickey, my dear departed husband…wherever you are, darlin’, this is for you…” (To the band) “HIT IT!”
She begins to sing:
“There’s no family like a show family
Like…no…family I…”
She falters, and lo and behold, Sonny Funn, the president of the United States, stands up in the audience and begins to sing! He is followed by Sissy Funn, who joins in the song! They run up on stage and join their overwhelmed mother. They are happily singing away, when Old Charlie enters and, out of the blue, starts singing Papa Funn’s part!
FANNY: (Screaming at Old Charlie) “You can’t sing that! Papa always sang that!”
Old Charlie rips off his disguise to reveal his true identity!
FANNY: (Furious) “You mean it’s been YOU all this time? You were Old Charlie??? Why didn’t you tell me??? You know how many men I turned down???”
They have a very loud argument while Sonny keeps singing away, with Sissy doing a tap dance that ends with her kicking Fanny’s cane, causing her mother to collapse as the number comes to a close!
THE END
—
This takeoff was twenty-five minutes long! In future shows we would continue to take our own sweet time with parodies. This wouldn’t happen in today’s television climate. The networks don’t believe that an audience would have the necessary attention span. I disagree. I think it all depends on the quality of the writing.
Mickey Rooney
Mickey was absolutely amazing as Papa Funn, in “The Funn Family.” The entire week was a joyful romp. He was fun to be with, and I loved watching him come up with one wonderful bit of business after another during rehearsals.
He brought his original shtick to every scene and enhanced an already hysterically funny script. I had been a huge fan of Mickey’s ever since I saw my first “Mickey and Judy” movie. There was nothing he couldn’t do as a performer. He sang, danced, played many musical instruments, and was a great comedian. He could also make you cry because he was a fine dramatic actor. He was, without a doubt, one of THE most talented people in show business, ever. I don’t think anyone could argue with that.
So I was thrilled when he accepted our invitation to get in the sandbox with us, and after his performance in “The Funn Family,” I couldn’t wait to have him back for another “funn”-filled week when we were picked up for our second season.
The second season rolled around, and the script for Mickey’s appearance that week didn’t measure up to “The Funn Family” episode the previous season. I hoped he wouldn’t be too disappointed when he came to the first table reading on Monday. He was right on time and bounded into the rehearsal hall, smiling and waving and even slapping a lot of us on the back. He reminded me of the Road Runner on a pogo stick. He laughed heartily at the (I thought) mediocre jokes in the main sketch. I was relieved that he liked what he read, but he was bubbling over so much that it was slightly unnerving. It was as if he had an IV of caffeine constantly pumping throughout his veins. He talked a mile a minute and never sat down for a single second all week. Think of a Ping-Pong ball constantly bouncing off the walls. I worried about him throughout the week, and when our Friday taping day rolled around I was exhausted! However, when we taped the show that night, the trouper in him came through. He was as wonderful and professional as ever. He gave the sketch his all, and the audience loved him.
And I was ready to go home and get into bed!
After the show, I knocked on his dressing room door to thank him for being with us again. He took my hands in his and said, “I gotta apologize to you, Carol.”
“For what, Mickey?”
He squeezed my hand. “For how I was that whole week last year when I was on your show the first time.”
“I don’t understand, you were fabulous.”
“No. I was depressed, but I’m glad I was back to being my regular self this week.”
Nanette Fabray
Nan was a guest on our show thirteen times. I loved working with her. She could do it all: act, sing, and dance. Plus, she had a great set of comedy chops. I fell in love with her work when she was Sid Caesar’s costar on Caesar’s Hour, for which she won three Emmy Awards. She began her career performing in vaudeville as a child and became a musical theater actress during the 1940s and 1950s, winning a Tony Award in 1949 for her performance in Love Life.
We did several sketches together. One of my favorites was our takeoff on 42nd Street, which we called “43rd Street.” She played a musical comedy diva, starring in a Broadway show, who is thwarted at every turn by my character, a dumb, klutzy chorus girl. As her clumsy understudy I accidentally cause her to wind up in a wheelchair sporting a leg cast and two arm casts plus a neck brace. At one point, she spits out a mouthful of teeth, while I go on to replace her in the show!
In another sketch, I was the plain, efficient secretary to Harvey’s boss, while Nan was the other (very sexy) secretary in the same office, who has trouble sharpening a pencil but no trouble in making the boss hot to trot! She was hysterical.
Nanette singing and signing to “Over the Rainbow.”
Nan had overcome a hearing impairment, and she became an advocate for the rights of the deaf and hard of hearing. Her honors representing the handicapped include the President’s Distinguished Service Award and the Eleanor Roosevelt Humanitarian Award.
I’ll never forget the number she did on our show when she sang a powerful, poignant sign-language version of “Over the Rainbow,” a cappella. As she was singing and signing, our cameras panned the studio audience, and rested on the faces of a couple of children…a young boy and a young girl. They sat there, completely still (almost not blinking), looking at and listening to Nan’s extraordinary rendition, completely mesmerized.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Babes in Arms was the iconic Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland movie made in 1939. Our tribute was called “Babes in Barns,” and featured Ken Berry and me as the fresh-off-the-farm teenagers (Mickey and Judy) with stars in their eyes, who decide to put on a show hoping it will wind up on Broadway. With the encouragement of Harvey and Vicki as an old vaudevillian couple and with the help of their local teenage pals, Mickey and Judy write the music and lyrics, build the scenery, sew the costumes, and mount an elaborate musical in a barn in a matter of minutes, hoping to attract a big New York producer.
