Camgirl, page 8
I definitely would’ve been able to narrow down the search area once the danger had passed.
“But I see your side too,” Kyle admitted. “I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that it only takes a second for shit to go south in the worst ways, but…it’s the same the other way around. An extra second can save a life.”
The relief was palpable, but I kept it contained for fear it’d be ripped away the next time someone opened their mouth.
It was exactly what I wanted him to see, though. I never should’ve taken my pack off, but going back for it could’ve resulted in disaster for Emily.
Kyle stared unseeingly at his plate, fingers trembling on the table, jaw clenching, and I could sense his inner turmoil. I could sense he was about to bolt—and I was right. He pushed back his chair and excused himself in a clipped tone before he disappeared down the hall.
I let out a breath, feeling queasy, and knew I had a choice. I could let him calm down, and he’d eventually come back more composed—or I could follow him and risk another fight. In the end, the risk was worth it. When he was at his rawest, whatever I would get would be real.
“I’ll be right back,” I said quietly and stood up.
I found Dad in their bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, his eyes glued to the floorboards.
Taking a seat next to him, I let the silence work a little first. The tension was too explosive, and—
“The reason I never felt the need to suffocate you with protection before that day was because I never sent you into a situation I didn’t know you could handle.”
I swallowed hard and glanced up at him. Part of me found that hard to believe. I’d been hunting small game on my own since I was nine, and sure, he hadn’t let me stray very far, but it didn’t take much in this state for control to slip between your fingers.
Then again, the hunting grounds on the North Slope were tundra and ice. Katmai National Park was wild rivers, mountains, unpredictable terrain, and heavy on predators.
“It killed me not to be there, Lani,” Dad said tiredly. “Every minute was an increasing risk of you being dead. And for thirteen fucking hours… Christ, Logan and I lost our minds that day.” He paused as he rubbed a hand over his mouth. “We know those woods, too. We’re there all the time, and we knew you couldn’t have gotten that far, and yet—not a goddamn sign of you.”
“But don’t you see, Dad?” I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. “That’s the beauty of everything you’ve taught me. You’re always there. You were there in that pit with Emily and me, too. You taught me to survive, and it was thanks to you I never ran out of options.”
I remembered agonizing over the fact that I’d run away from my gear, until his voice had popped up in my head. Use what you got. No reason to cry over something I couldn’t change. Instead, it’d sharpened my senses and my determination, and I tried my best to explain it to him now. My rifle had been worthless because while a shot had let my parents know I was alive, the sound wouldn’t have narrowed down the search area because it’d been small already; however, that old rifle had become something else.
“Do you remember when you taught me how to build a stretcher?” I asked.
He furrowed his brow and nodded once.
“I used the same technique to keep us afloat in that hole,” I went on. “The mud kept pouring in with the rain, and I knew that if I could just keep us from sinking, eventually we’d be able to climb out on our own. We just had to stay on top of the mud.”
Dad’s eyes flicked as his mind connected the dots. “That’s why the barrel was clogged.”
I nodded. “I could grab on to roots and rocks and stay near the walls, and—”
“With a broken arm,” he grumbled.
I almost smiled. “And I used one of the sleeves on my jacket to loop it around my belt, and the other sleeve around the rifle.” With the jacket stretched out, it left a small space for Emily to spread out as much as she could, effectively keeping her feet away from the wet soil. Preventing her from sinking. “All I had to do was make sure the rifle didn’t get buried. The rising mud did the lifting.” I nudged his arm with mine. “I was afraid of a lot that day, but never about not making it out alive, and that was thanks to you, Dad.”
I needed him to understand that he’d taught me well. The way he assessed risks was the same way I did. If the slope had been steeper or if the mudslide had been right on top of us, maybe I would’ve panicked more. I definitely would’ve gone with another plan. But that day, we’d faced heavy rain and mud that’d taken thirteen slow hours to fill a fifteen-foot-deep hole in the ground. My distress had come from dropping temperatures, my arm, and Emily’s panic.
Dad sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. “To fear the unknown is to fear life.”
I quirked a small smile. “Quoting the Elders is never a good thing, Dad.”
He let out a tired chuckle and side-eyed me. “Whoever said that couldn’t have had kids. Christ—that day. It was the not knowing—thirteen fucking hours. The girl couldn’t have run that far. That’s what we kept thinking. Over and over. It was physically impossible—unless…”
I nodded and placed a hand over his. He didn’t have to finish. I’d heard the scenarios my dads had feared that day. Emily and I could’ve gotten ripped away in the mudslide down the mountain; we could’ve been buried.
Dad shook his head and looked away. “When even our dogs couldn’t pick up your scent…can you blame us for freaking the fuck out?”
“No.” I slipped a hand under his arm and rested my head on his shoulder.
He did this sometimes, went through the events of that day, as if he still hadn’t moved on. Problem was, it kept the worry fresh in his mind, and it tortured him. It was as if my only chances of survival had been in that bag…
I straightened, the thought never having occurred to me before, and I tapped his arm with a finger. “You know, most of the stuff you’ve taught me over the years doesn’t fit in a sling pack.” I met his frown and went with my sincerest honesty. “I will never deny that I made a mistake that day. I should’ve put the pack on after we ate, and I will also never deny that the bag could’ve come in handy. But, Dad, you’ve sent me into the woods with nothing but the clothes on my body and the means to defend myself. Where was the flare gun then? Or the rope or the fire starter or the flipping energy bars.” I pulled up my leg a bit and faced him more fully. “No emergency gear could replace the mind-set you’ve given me or the traditions from my mother’s side. That’s why I didn’t fear for my life that day, because I didn’t run out of options, and you brought me up to be resourceful.”
I could see him processing what I’d said, his silvery eyes flicking between mine, and that it was new to him too. He hadn’t considered the mental backpack I carried every minute of the day, one I couldn’t take off even if I tried. And maybe it wouldn’t magically fix things, but perhaps it could be a comfort, a beginning. Maybe. To restore only one of the bridges we’d burned would mean everything.
Dad let out another sigh, and then he pulled me in for a hug. His arms were heavy and tired around me, but as I felt the tension leaving him, I let the relief run wild inside of me.
I’d half expected to get overwhelmed and emotional, but if anything, peace rolled over me. I relaxed in Dad’s arms and closed my eyes, confident that I could fall asleep. Fighting was exhausting, and we’d been at it for three years.
“You’re right.” He stroked my back and planted a kiss at the top of my head. “You’ve always been resourceful. You’re a Shaw, after all.”
I smiled sleepily and relaxed further. Perhaps we could work things out, despite everything.
“I should have trusted you more, miki,” he admitted quietly.
At that, a surge of emotions decided I couldn’t bask in the serenity anymore, and I got choked up. I swallowed thickly and hugged him a little harder. “I love you, Dad.”
He tightened his hold too and let out a long breath. “More than life, Lani.”
12
Lani Shaw
“How happy are you that I made you go back tonight?” Jax asked. “You can’t stop smiling.”
I chuckled and looked up at the night sky. The evening was extra crisp, making me wonder if we’d get snow soon. Which made me think of winter and what my dads had asked once Kyle and I had returned to the table.
They were flying back home to the Peninsula the day after tomorrow, but they’d be back in a month and a half. They spent most winters up here doing minor construction when the weather allowed it. Uncle Declan and Uncle Quinn were here for that every year too.
Once the hunting season was over, most cabins stood empty for several months. Some tourists ventured up, of course, though it wouldn’t be until spring that the place came to life again.
The thought of being here then burned in my heart. The longing had grown so much that I wanted to barf just thinking about returning to Seattle.
Jax and I passed the cabins in silence, on our way to our own two, and I tried to picture what a winter where we all got along would look like. Hell, it’d never happened before. Not if we included Jax. Board game nights by the fire in the main house would be a lot less hostile, I reckoned. We wouldn’t have to depend on Justin, Caleb, and Uncle Quinn to break the tension.
“What’re your dad’s plans for this winter?” I wondered.
Jax stuck his hands down into the pockets of his pants. Goose bumps rose on his arms with the cold wind, but I didn’t mention it. I just hoped he wouldn’t get sick.
“They’re gonna renovate the old staff house, I think,” he answered. “Ma wants it to be like a hostel. Dorms with bunk beds and whatever.”
I nodded, having heard her talk about it. She wanted the retreat to be accessible for budget travelers too. And at least the renovations meant indoor work. The building stood next to the main house, and back in the day when I first started coming here, it was where we stayed.
Jax side-eyed me. “You thinking about staying?”
God, yes.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Kyle and Logan asked me to.” I cleared my throat and kept my gaze on the ground. “Are you staying?”
“Well, yeah. This is my home.”
That was…so fucking weird. And a little painful. I’d thought he was happy in Fairbanks, but Nina had hinted that he was here to stay, and to hear it from Jax… A long-lost dream stirred deep within me, and I couldn’t afford it.
He wants you.
Even weirder. And a lot more painful.
How was I going to stick to my plan now?
And to what extent did he want me? Did he want us to pick up where we left off all those years ago and…I didn’t even know. I could ask him and probably get every answer I needed, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for an information dump of that magnitude. I’d wanted Jax since I was a kid, and it still stung when I thought about how he’d rejected me.
When we reached my cabin, I wanted to ask him to come in as much as I wanted to hide under my bed.
It’d been a great night in the end, and it was stupid to push it, wasn’t it? I’d had dinner with my parents, and we hadn’t fought, the second time. Logan had been beside himself with relief, and he’d pounced right away. There were breakfast plans tomorrow morning, another dinner, and then a hunt before they went home. We have a lot of catching up to do, he’d said.
Okay, so I was getting increasingly overwhelmed.
“You think the Lights will be out soon?” Jax was looking up at the sky.
I followed his gaze. There were no stars, so it definitely wouldn’t be tonight. But yeah, probably soon. The Aurora season was fast approaching too, and it caused more memories to resurface, each one screaming at me to stay, to cling to this place, to make it my own. To call it home out loud.
I loved it up here more than I could express.
And I owed Jax a thank-you for tonight, for giving me more time at the retreat. Because of how things had turned out at dinner, I wouldn’t have to avoid coming up here just because my dads were here or because the grief was too strong.
“You know I’m still angry with you, right?” I asked.
He lowered his gaze from the sky and nodded with a dip of his chin, a sober look in his eyes. “I know.”
I nodded too. He didn’t have to know the anger had faded a lot. The betrayal and rejection lingered, even though that was slowly easing off too.
That was the problem with this guy. He could be clumsy as shit, but he always had good intentions.
“I still can’t believe you pretended to be someone else,” I told him. “I mean, we’ve talked for months, and I didn’t even know.”
To his credit, his stare didn’t waver. “I got hooked on every glimpse of the real you I got. Not the blond camgirl who lied about going to school, but when you laughed at the music I sent, when you scrunched up your nose at some of my recipes—”
“Jax…” Okay, so I wavered and looked away. It was genuinely painful. A big burn. “You had so many opportunities to tell me the truth.”
“I know,” he repeated. “I’m not gonna come at you with any excuses, Lani. I missed you and took what I could get. I know I had no right.”
A cold breeze whipped past us, and I hugged myself as my hair blew in my face. The shorter strands still took me by surprise. “For the record, I don’t hate my job.” Despite that it felt entirely wrong to take on any sessions right now. Being up here was messing with my mind. “I’m not quitting until I have all the money I need.”
“Okay.” His expression shuttered a bit.
A rock sank to the pit of my stomach, and I felt like an asshole, but I needed to know why he didn’t like my job. “Do you still think it’s morally wrong?”
“No,” he replied quickly. “I never did—really. I was a dick. It’s just…” He cleared his throat, then let out a humorless chuckle. A pinch of bitterness flashed in his eyes. “Jealousy fucking blows. It rots you from the inside.” He clenched his jaw and averted his gaze. “I won’t pretend I like it, but it’s not for the reason I made you believe when I was wasted. I crossed every line in the book, and—”
“And you told on me,” I blurted out. The incredulousness of it all resurfaced every time I thought about it. “I never wanted them to find out. Not that.”
He cringed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah… Yeah, I really fucked up.”
I huffed and rolled my eyes. Part of me wanted him to get defensive so we could fight it out properly. When he shouldered the blame and acted all mature, I couldn’t justify another punch or muster the anger to yell at him.
Damn, we Shaws really had temper issues sometimes.
“At least I didn’t say you quit school,” he offered. “Your dads probably think the camming is a side gig.”
I stared at him flatly. Going to college wasn’t exactly in the plans for anyone in our family, and dropping out wouldn’t anger them. Kyle had even been disgruntled when I’d said I was going in the first place.
My grandparents on Logan’s side would be slightly disappointed, but that was it. Each time they’d offered to help with tuition, I’d declined. And in the end, they just wanted me to be happy.
My dads might’ve found a reason to be mad last week, or even yesterday, because then it would’ve added to the pile of Lani Fuckups.
If I read them right earlier, it was what they wanted to discuss tomorrow at breakfast. Logan had taken me to the side after dinner with a remorseful expression and said he wanted to talk about the standards to which they’d held me the past three years—his words.
“I’m gonna go to bed,” I muttered. “I’m genuinely thankful for what you did tonight, Jax. You were there for me, and it means a lot.”
He looked at me cautiously. “I’m sensing a but.”
“Yeah…” I grabbed the door handle to my cabin and twisted it. “I have some anger to deal with, and I don’t know where to put it when you’re trying to redeem yourself. Goodnight.”
I actually managed to avoid Jax throughout the next day. Probably because I didn’t eat breakfast in the main house, and I was out on the tundra with the dogs until it was getting dark.
Logan drove out on an ATV to see me and to bring lunch, and we spent some much-needed time together. Breakfast had already been a success, so two for two was a bit of a miracle. Although, things with Logan had never been that infected.
We’d joked that having dinner tonight would be pushing things, something Justin had been fretting about in several text messages today. Maybe we count our blessings and take it easy, he’d suggested. A couple hours later, he’d threatened us in a family text. If you throw away the progress you’ve made, I’m gonna cut you all! He was cute. And he definitely had a point, but there was hope on a deeper level now.
For the first time in years, I felt like my fathers were listening to me. Not just hearing me or humoring me.
In return, it made me less defensive, and I could relax and apologize for the times I’d provoked them as a way of giving my anger an outlet.
I’d also confessed that I’d dropped out of school, and Kyle and Logan were mostly saddened that our situation had devolved to the point where I’d first, felt the need to run away, and second, hadn’t felt like I could tell them.
“Your father and I will never like your, uh, job…but we trust that you know what you’re doing,” Logan had told me when we had lunch. Then he’d made a face. “Truth be told, I’m glad we were under the impression you were in school all this time.”
I smirked to myself even now, hours after, and I couldn’t blame them there. Stepping out of the shower, I felt tons lighter, and I tiptoed into my room where I put on a pair of loose cargo pants and a tank top. Kyle was picking up pizza from the main house, and we were gonna get comfy in front of a movie, so that required dressing for comfort.
