“Esme,” I say. “I saved your life.”

  “No, no, no,” she mutters. “I didn’t want this.” She tosses the empty mug, and it smashes on the floor. “I have no life to go back to because of you.”

  I can’t believe I hurt her so much, but I can’t let her go on like this. I grab her shoulders and gaze into her eyes. “Would you rather be dead?”

  Her eyelids flutter. Her face is so close to mine. Even after the change, she smells of violets. In fact, between her and the violets on the nightstand, my entire room smells of them. She’s seeped into every cranny of my life and I love it. I try not to let it distract me. “Would you?”

  She licks her lips and I’m lost. I pull her into my arms and press my lips to hers.

  Chapter 5

  Esme

  I don’t feel dead. As Syd’s lips cover mine, I feel more alive than I’ve felt in my twenty-seven years.

  My body ignites in flames—an analogy I’m not sure Syd, as a vamp, would appreciate. But there is no other way to describe the heat that travels down to my core and makes my toes curl in my heels.

  Syd’s kiss is as demanding as the question echoing through my mind: would you rather be dead?

  He answers it for me with his lips, showing me all the delicious benefits of living. He nibbles on my lower lip, eliciting a moan from me, and I grab fistfuls of his silky hair.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” he says, before reclaiming my lips and kissing the daylights out of me. Literally, since I’m a vamp now and will never see the light of day.

  I shove him away. What am I doing? Jumping to my feet, I say, “My whole life is falling apart. I’m not going to hook up with a vamp to top it off.”“But—” He meets my gaze and I feel the concern there and something else.

  “Don’t you use your compulsion on me!” I avoid his eyes, looking at the other parts of his face, including lips that I had just been kissing. Dammit.

  He blinks, horror dawning. “You think . . . I . . .” He stands up. “I didn’t. I could never . . .” He shakes his head and storms out of the room.

  The sound of the door closing echos after he goes. My lips still tingle from our kiss, longing for him. I take a step to follow him then stop. Syd left me. He’s gone and my family will probably disown me. I’ve got no one. Can I even go back to work? I have a full day of clients Monday, but I can’t go out in daylight. What will I do? I’m going to have to message the other therapists in our clinic and get them to take my clients. I’m going to have to quit the job I love.

  I wipe my hand across my tear-stained eyes and stare at the red marks streaked across my skin. I don’t want to be a vamp! I want to rail against something, someone, but all I did was drive the only person I still have left in my life away. I stumble over to the armchair and drop into it, curling my arms around my knees.

  Laying my head on my knees, I let it all out—pity party of one. It’s what I’d tell my clients to do. Take the time to process this huge life change. Take the time to mourn.

  I cry red tears until there’s a soft knock on the door.

  “Who is it?” I call out. It won’t be Syd.

  “It’s me.” His gruff voice sends shivers down my spine.

  He steps inside. I know I should apologize for the way I’ve treated him, when all he’s done is save my life, but when I open my mouth, no words come out. He comes over to me and pulls a box out of a giant convenience store bag that’s filled with stuff. It’s a tub of chocolate chip ice cream and a spoon. He scratches his head. “In the movies, human women eat this to feel better,” he says, “and since you were human until recently, I thought . . .”

  “But I’m a vamp. Can I . . . eat?” I grimace at the stupid question. Obviously I can eat, or he wouldn’t be offering me food. But I’ve always assumed vamps subsisted on blood and little else.

  “Of course.” He grins. “We need blood to live, but we can still eat food and enjoy it.” He peels open the box and hands it to me.

  The tub is cold in my hands, but I take the spoon. The first bite is a sensation like I’ve never experienced. I take three more. “It’s better than it was as a human,” I mutter, shoving more into my mouth.

  “Good.” He sticks his hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking like a satisfied schoolboy. “Our taste buds are more sensitive to flavor. Which is why I also got you every type of chocolate bar and candy they had. I wasn’t sure what you like . . .”

  I can’t believe he’d do this for me. Most men aren’t this sweet, and he’s a monster. Well, I guess, so am I. I eat my fill and offer him a bite.

  He looks at the nearly empty container ruefully then takes it from my hands.

  His fingers briefly graze mine, and tingles shoot up my arm. “Thank you for this, Syd.” I mean the ice cream, not the touch, though I can’t help wanting to reach out and feel his skin against mine.

  He nods. “Do you feel better?”

  “A little.” I smile.

  “Then it did what it was meant to.” He looks in the near-empty tub and laughs.

  “Do I have to worry about calories?”

  “Nope,” he says with a chuckle. “Never again.”

  “Whoa, now that’s cool. You should have led with that.” My fangs start to ache and I rub them. “How am I still hungry after eating all that?” I glance at the tub of ice cream.

  “Yeah,” he says. “We can eat all the human food we want, and it tastes good, but it doesn’t sustain us.”“Oh, so I need more blood?”“Yeah, your eyes are turning red,” he says. “When you first turn, you need to feed a lot more often. Let’s go down to the bar and I’ll mix you up something good.”

  I frown. “But what about the humans? Won’t I hurt them?”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be right there beside you. It’s closing time, so there shouldn’t be that many around. The hunger is easier to manage when there are just a handful.” He offers me his hand again. “And you’ve already had a mug, so that will stave off some of the cravings.”

  My palm fits perfectly in his as he leads me downstairs, more slowly this time. The skirt of my dress billows around me, and I can’t believe I’m wearing something this lovely. I lift a soft section of it, rubbing it between my fingers. “It’s so beautiful.”

  Syd glances back. “You’re beautiful. That’s just a decoration.”

  I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks again as we continue our descent. The music is quieter now and there’s just a handful of people still here. I stop because I hear the pulse of their veins in my head. I squeeze Syd’s hand and he squeezes back.

  “It’s okay,” he says, as if reading my mind, “it's because you are hungry and new. I won’t let you hurt anyone.”

  I meet his gaze and despite what I said earlier—and that whole thing where he’s the one who turned me into a vamp in the first place—I trust him. But it does remind me of something I’d been meaning to ask. “Can you compel me like a human?”

  He shakes his head. “No. Because I turned you, I can command you as your sire, but it's different and I won’t do it unless I absolutely have to.”

  “How is it different?” I ask.

  “You’ll know I’ve done it, for one.” He tightens his grip on my hand. “Think of it like a safety measure. I could stop you if you tried to hurt a human as a new turn. Or if I needed you to act fast in an emergency.”

  “Okay.” I give him a smile.

  “Come on,” he says, tugging me toward the bar. He offers me a seat in a quiet corner, then goes in through the service entrance. “Do you like Bloody Marys?”

  I swallow, trying to decide if the name holds a whole different meaning now that I’m a vamp. “Mary’s blood?”

  He laughs. “No. Because we’re able to eat and drink the same things we could when we were human, we can also mix blood with our favorite food and beverages. It enhances the flavor, and it fills us up.” He adds the ingredients to the cocktail shaker, and I watch his bicep flex as he shakes it. When he’s done pouring the drink, he passes me the glass. “Try this.”

  There’s a celery stick in it which looks kind of weird, but I give it a try anyway. “This is good,” I say in surprise. “Is there alcohol in it?”

  “Yup.”

  I eye the drink suspiciously. “Will I get drunk?”

  He shakes his head. “There have been times when I wanted to . . .” He grimaced. “But even in huge quantities it has little effect on us.”

  “That’s too bad,” I say. I could use some liquid courage to help me face my family. They are going to hate what I’ve become. But then, they probably hated that I was human, too. They’ve never said so. They’ve always claimed they love me just the same, but I’ve never been convinced. I’ve always felt out of place. But now, I’m not just different—I’m their mortal enemy.

  I swallow hard and remind myself that as Syd said, would I rather be dead? No, not really.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Syd says, passing me a different drink. This one smells more citrusy.

  “Such an old man,” I tease. “And where’s my penny?”

  He digs in his pocket and drops one on the counter. “Paid. Now tell me what’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours.”

  I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. He thinks I’m gorgeous? I mean, he did tell me that earlier. “Um . . . well, I wanted you to know that I’m not really mad at you, for changing me.”

  He raises an eyebrow.

  “I mean I . . . I was,” I stammer. “But I’m glad to be alive.” I look toward the wall, which is covered in real red roses. It’s incredible, but I know I’m stalling.

  He lifts the lemony drink. “No good?”

  I make a face.

  Syd dumps it out and slides a new one over to me. Perks of being friends with a bartender. I briefly wonder if the events of the day mean we are friends, or if his compliments might be something more, and my cheeks flush even deeper.

  I focus on the drink. This one has a bright pink umbrella. I could get used to unlimited drinks . . . and the man serving them. I stop his hand on the bar and cover it with mine. “Syd, thank you, really, for saving me.”

  He smiles softly and then winks. “Vamp life isn’t so bad, is it?”

  “I know it's not . . . well, I know now.” I take a sip of the new drink. “I was just worried about my family, mostly. They will never accept me as a vamp.”

  He studies my face, and I feel the damn blush rising again. I also brace myself for questions about my family, but Syd surprises me by asking something entirely different. “Why’d you try to break into Kit’s office?”

  “Kit?” I ask. It takes me a second. “Do you mean The Composer?”

  He nods. His hand is still under mine, and he strokes my wrist with his thumb.

  “Oh, I needed his records,” I say. “I’m looking for my sister. Well, she’s not really my sister, she's my sister’s sister. It’s complicated.”

  “Sounds like it,” he says with a smile. “But I have all the time in the world.”

  I smile at the joke, then quickly sober up when I think about how I got here. “There was a mixup at the hospital when I was born. My family—I mean the family I grew up with—had twin girls. I was switched accidentally with one of them, so my parents—I mean her parents—raised me as their own.”

  “If they were twins, shouldn’t they look alike? How didn’t they know right away?”

  “They always assumed fraternal twins, though I suppose they could be identical,” I say, “and I guess I was close enough to pass.”

  “So now you’re looking for this lost sister to find your birth parents?”

  I shake my head. “Not really. I mean, I’m curious about what they’re like, but it’s not that. I was hoping if I found my sister’s real twin, that my family would be happy.”

  “’Cause they’re not happy with you?”

  I pick the umbrella out of my drink with my other hand and twirl it in the air. “They say they are, but we’re so different.” My shoulders sag, and I then blurt out, "They’re witches.”

  “Ah,” he says, “and you aren’t.”

  I shake my head. “When my sister came into her magic, they thought I was just a late bloomer, but here I am, twenty-seven and no magic. Which means my birth parents are human.”

  “Well, you’re magic now,” he says. “Vamps are a kind of magic.”

  I chuckle. “Unfortunately, not one my family likes or will accept.”

  “Well, you’ll always have a home right here,” Syd says. “With me.”

  My heart leaps.

  I meet his gaze again and I’m sucked in. Maybe his kindness can help me convince my family that not all vamps are monsters. He’s so down-to-earth and harmless. Maybe my family won’t hate him so much. I sip my drink, and for the first time since I’ve been turned, I feel hope.

  Chapter 6

  Syd

  As I’m fixing myself a drink, I think about what Esme has said. I’m glad I brought her down to the bar. People always open up when I’m behind the bar. There’s some sort of magic about this place—something that goes beyond the alcohol, since vamps can’t get drunk, yet it always gets them talking.

  I’m glad that I finally understand what’s bothering her. I am sorry that her family will have such a hard time with her new state, but I’m not sorry I turned her. In just these few hours I’ve spent with Esme, I’ve felt lighter than I have in years. Being with her just feels . . . right.

  I don’t know how I survived so long without her. She’s everything I could have dreamed of.

  Which is why I need to tell her the truth about my past. I can’t let her keep thinking I’m this all-around nice guy. Even if I did just spend all this time convincing her vamps aren’t so bad—some of us are. Some of us don’t deserve her.

  I look around at Crescendo—almost empty now at this late hour—and all we built, Kit and I, to make up for our past. We did so many terrible things, together and alone. Things we’ll spend a lifetime atoning for.

  Then I look over at the beautiful woman at my bar, and I think about her generosity. She risked her life to help her family find the child they lost, just to make them happy.

  I can’t tell her the truth. She’ll never understand. She’ll walk away from me and I’ll never have her again. This is my one chance at happiness . . . or as close to it as I’ll ever find. And as each moment passes, I know that I can’t give her up.

  I take a long pull of my drink, then I turn to Esme. “Let’s go back upstairs,” I say. “I want to talk.”

  “Okay,” she says, finishing her drink.

  I wipe down the counter, dump the empty glasses in the sink, and then come around the bar to join her. I offer my hand again and she takes it. Sparks travel up my arm, and I wonder if she can feel it too. This connection between us that goes far beyond vamp and sire. I’ve sired others, and it’s never been like this. Never been more than a responsibility. It’s different with Esme, and I hope that one day, she’ll feel the same. I think maybe she does care for me a little, and that’s a good start. It also means that what I’m doing is wrong.

  We silently cross the club and climb the stairs back to my room, but I stop her before we reach the door. It’s easier to have the conversation out here. In case she never wants anything to do with me once she knows the truth. “Esme . . .” I swallow hard. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  “What’s that?” Her expression turns serious, mirroring my own.

  “I haven’t been completely honest with you . . .”

  “There’s another woman?” she asks, though I can’t tell if she’s being serious or teasing.

  “Never,” I tell her honestly. “But Esme, I was not always the man I am today. When I was first turned, blood banks didn't exist. Vamps fed on humans, and . . .” I swallow hard, because this is the part that might destroy us. But I can't keep this from her. I can't let this thing between us continue when she doesn't know the real me.

  “It's okay,” she says softly, giving my hands a squeeze. “I assumed you bit people before.”

  I shake my head.

  “You never bit anyone?” she asks, and I can't help but notice the hope she tries hard to hide.

  I almost change my mind and keep my secrets, but I force myself to get the word out.

  “Killed,” I say softly. “I killed people, Esme.”

  “Did they”—she swallows hard—“deserve it?”

  I shake my head. “I don't know. Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t. I never asked questions. I was just following orders. Our sire . . . he told us it was kill or be killed. Suck every human dry, or he’ll come back and kill us in the dead of night. And sometimes, he chose our victims. We never asked why. We never had a choice.”

  She nods in understanding, but how could she ever know the horror we lived through.

  “I’m lying to you, Esme. We did have a choice. We should have given our own lives instead of taking the lives of so many others. Kit, Gene, and I . . . we committed countless atrocities that we can never take back.”

  “Gene?” she asks. “I thought the bouncer's name was Otto.”

  I shake my head. “We didn’t know Otto then. Gene . . .” I swallow hard. “Gene’s a story for another time.” I'm not hiding him from her. It's just not a story I'm ready to tell. “But the things I've done, Esme. I can never take them back. There will always be blood on my hands, no matter how hard I try to atone.”

  I expect her to recoil in horror. I expect her to push me away and look at me with all the disgust I deserve. But she pulls me into her arms instead.

  “It's not who you are,” she whispers. “Maybe it's who you were. But I know you. In my heart, I know you. And you're a good man, Syd.”

  She takes my hand and pulls me into my room. As soon as the door closes behind us, I can’t resist her anymore. I pull her into my arms and kiss her.

  Chapter 7

 

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