Safe Haven, page 11
I shrugged. I didn’t know how I felt or how I was handling any of it. I wasn’t a complete, shaky mess, so I knew I still had plenty of sedatives in my system. Maybe I would be in a corner sobbing when they wore off, but I was just happy to be able to stand up and talk when I needed to, which hadn’t been the case the day before. I’d been vulnerable and scared and, without realizing it, David had put me in my worst-case-scenario type of situation—where I had been so medicated that I was at the mercy of everyone else, where I was in a cage once more and not able to fight back.
I’d been too sedated to care. That had been the worst of it. I hadn’t been able to panic like I had when Malcolm had pulled me out of the pool, because I’d already been crashing from Uncle Phin’s accident, and I’d had too much of my sedative in my system. And now I couldn’t cry enough when the person who had raised me since I’d been seven was out of my life with just as much finality as my parents had been.
“Where is David?” Sophia asked.
I sipped my hot chocolate and rounded my shoulders. “I sent him away.”
She stared at me long and hard while I looked into my hot chocolate as if it held the answers for every question in the universe, including the ones I’d needed to know the answer to but had no idea how to ask.
Sophia got up from the couch. “I’m calling the boys. You can’t live alone, Blake. I’m sorry, but you can’t. We both know that.”
I’d done an okay job for a day. “They have a new client. They won’t have time.”
Sophia already had her phone out, and I wondered why she had any of their numbers. “What was the last thing you ate?” she asked. “And when?”
Food was…decidedly not hot chocolate. That meant the last thing I’d had to eat had been the day before yesterday, and it might have been a granola bar. I hung my head. Maybe she was right. At least I’d fed Bandit.
Sophia was on the phone talking to one of them while I got up and walked unsteadily over to the sink to put both of my mugs into the sink. I was dizzy and, as I tried walking toward the stairs, I lost my balance. I didn’t fall, but I did stumble. And Bandit yelled at me for nearly stepping on her.
I changed directions and went back to the couch. The snow was coming down harder now. I wished that I’d thought to bring down my blanket to wrap around me. Holding my head up was quickly becoming an ordeal, so I laid down with my head on the arm of the couch and Bandit pressed tightly against my chest.
Sophia came back into the living room, with a cup of tea for me this time. I didn’t like tea as much as I liked hot chocolate, but maybe she figured I needed less sugar and more real food because she also brought me some toast with melty peanut butter on it.
“They’ll be here in a few hours. I’ll wait with you until they get here, so that you’re not alone,” she said. Instead of sitting next to me on the big couch, she started cleaning and dusting the lounge.
“How did they get out of work?” I asked her as I continued to lie sideways and nibble on the toast she’d brought me.
“You’re going to get crumbs everywhere, then you’ll have mice to add to your problems—mice so big that even Bandit will be afraid of them.” She smiled at me to let me know that she was just teasing me, though. “They said that they had a family emergency.”
I didn’t like that they’d lied to be able to get out of a day’s worth of work to come visit me. “Can you be here all the time, so that I don’t have to go to an institution?”
Sophia sadly shook her head. “Blake, honey, I have a family. And you wouldn’t want them living here with you. The guys will be here soon, then you four can decide on what you want to do from there.”
“Okay.” I knew what would happen, though. They would be able to stay for a few hours, maybe, but then they’d have to go back to work. Perhaps they could recommend someone for me—someone gentle and caring like CJ and outspoken and pushy like Rex. And someone who made me know he was always watching over me, like Malcolm had.
I finished my toast and half of my tea, then turned over so I faced the back of the couch. Bandit laid down across my hip and I closed my eyes again. When the sedatives wore off completely, I wouldn’t be so sleepy. But, for right now, I could hardly force my eyes to stay open more than a half hour or so.
* * * *
The next time I woke up, it was to find CJ sitting down on the couch next to me. I got up on my knees and went over to him. He held his hands at his sides, not reaching for me at all, and I could hear Sophia, Rex and Malcolm talking in the kitchen.
“I’m sorry about your uncle,” he told me softly.
I nodded. “Thank you.” I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t, and I hated that. So I leaned forward and rested my head on the back of the couch and looked at the wall. He held up his hand, offering it to me, and I slid my hand over his palm. It was that touch, that simple bit of contact with him, that broke open the watershed and I started sobbing for everything I was worth. CJ didn’t ask me if it was okay to touch me as he brought me into his arms, and I didn’t care as I clung to him and let it all out. I’d lost my uncle, my parents, my security and my safety—and I’d lost my friends. I couldn’t live alone but I didn’t want to be drugged up to stare at some white wall by myself all day either. David had mistreated me, and I couldn’t even remember for sure the last time I’d eaten a decent meal.
CJ didn’t say anything as I sobbed against him. He just held me and kept his hands still on my back and on my side. Eventually I realized that there were other people in the room because I felt Rex beside us and Malcolm standing behind me. My tears started to slow. Sophia came over and kissed me on top of my head. They spoke some more, but I wasn’t listening. The door closed behind me and I heard her little sedan starting up.
“Can you walk?” CJ asked.
I nodded. I could cry, so I would probably be able to walk. Rex helped me off CJ’s lap, and Malcolm supported me as we headed upstairs and into my rooms. “Where’s the bathroom?” Malcolm asked me. I nodded in that direction and we walked there with Malcolm’s arm around my waist the whole time. Once we were in my big bathroom, Rex turned on the shower and Malcolm sat me down on the wooden bench just inside the door.
CJ came back to kneel in front of me. “Hey. We’d like you to get a shower. You’ll feel better.”
“And you stink,” Rex added in. CJ rolled his eyes, but Rex’s bluntness made me smile just slightly.
Malcolm added his voice to the mix—always deep, always reassuring. “You can take your clothes off and do this yourself, or we can help you,” he said. “It won’t be sexual, and you don’t have to worry. Rex won’t say anything stupid, and none of us will try to touch you in any way that won’t be to help you keep your balance or get clean. After this, you can do whatever you want and we won’t push you to do any more. What would you like to do?”
I couldn’t say that I needed help getting undressed or that I was barely able to sit up between my dizziness and lack of energy, so I lifted my hands and closed my eyes. They took the hint. My hoodie came off first, followed by the T-shirt I had on underneath it. Then I heard Rex curse. I opened my eyes to see him looking down at my arm where David had grabbed me.
“What the hell happened to you?” he demanded.
“Uncle Phin…” I shook my head as my voice broke on his name. I tried again, from a different angle this time. “I had to spend four hours a day out of my rooms. I didn’t go easily the first time.”
“So someone dragged you by your fucking arm?” Rex continued to seethe.
“You’re not helping,” CJ interjected.
But I nodded up at Rex. “My last bodyguard.”
Rex muttered a whole long string of curses then leaned down to kiss my forehead. “That’s not ever going to happen to you again.”
CJ brought me to my feet, then they removed my pants. I was naked with three gay guys, who all wanted me, but I wasn’t scared. Malcolm would protect me, and CJ would take care of me. And Rex looked ready to kill someone, but I knew it wouldn’t be me. CJ put his arm under my shoulders and led me into the shower where he sat me down on the bench inside then handed me my loofah and my body wash.
“Do you want some privacy?” he asked. “We can go wait in the hall until you call us to let us know that you’re done.”
I was feeling stronger under the hot water so I slowly nodded. He made sure I had a towel within easy reach, then the three of them left me alone. The sound of the water coming down around me didn’t help drown out their heated words, though. I heard Rex call someone an asshole, probably David, and that made me smile.
I spent as long as I could under the water, until I started to drop as the heat began to take away my strength. Then I turned off the water, got to my feet then willed myself to the door. I was still wet, but I had the towel around my waist.
As I opened the door, CJ came forward and put his arm back under mine to support me and let me lean on him. It was nice not having to worry about balancing or walking on my own for a while. They helped me into my room and I looked longingly at my bed.
“What would you like to wear?” Malcolm asked.
“Can I just nap, instead?”
They shared a look, like they were silently discussing something, before CJ nodded. “Sure. But I don’t like how you can’t walk on your own and seem extremely out of it. We’ll take turns watching over you.”
“I get first watch,” Rex said, taking me easily from CJ. He sounded excited by that, like he was declaring himself the winner of something. I kept the towel clutched around my hips as we went to the bed. He helped me lie down under the blankets, and I expected him just to sit up next to me but he pressed up behind me. He gave me his arm to rest my hand on then laid his arm loosely over my stomach.
“Be nice,” CJ warned him.
Malcolm nodded. “We’ll be close if you need us. Either of you. Don’t fall asleep, Rex.”
Rex snuggled up against me and I felt the whole length of his body against mine. I didn’t know if I should be panicky or if it was better just to relax into his warmth. I was too exhausted to fight him, so I closed my eyes. A few minutes later the bedroom door closed, and I felt Rex settle in.
“I love how big your bed is.”
I preferred to not have talking while I tried to nap.
“I’m so sorry we left you here. I wanted to kidnap you, but Malcolm said that would have made things worse. Then, some fucking asshole put his hands on you. I hope you fought like hell and punched him in the throat.”
I smiled. “I wanted to. And I tried to. But when I complained, I was told that I needed to be nice or else there’d be talk of an institution.”
Rex tightened his arm around me until I nearly couldn’t breathe. I didn’t panic, though. I got that he was angry. I had been, too. “Why can’t you live alone?”
“I can’t take care of myself. I didn’t eat, and I didn’t take my sedative when I was alone.”
Despite being naked except for a towel and what Rex had said to me before, there was nothing sexual about how he was holding me. It was as if I were nothing more than his favorite pillow—one that he liked talking to, even when his pillow was really tired.
“Do you need to take one now?”
I shook my head and looked at my hands, which I had tightly balled in the sheet in front of me. “I took one and a half yesterday morning.” Was it really only yesterday? “Then when I came downstairs, after Uncle Phin… I was on the phone with him. David gave me another pill. It made me… I don’t like being on more than one pill at a time but two and a half, plus what happened… It was too much. But I don’t need another one until tonight when I normally take one.”
Rex kissed my shoulder and I froze. He didn’t do it again, so I forced myself to keep breathing and not panic. This was Rex. I liked Rex—a lot. “What happens when you aren’t on them?”
“Life becomes intolerable.”
He nodded against my shoulder and kissed me again, on my same shoulder. “Did you really want to sleep or did you just need some quiet time?”
“Both.”
He started moving and I looked over my shoulder in time for him to move me onto my back. My towel fell open but he didn’t seem to notice, or care, as he pulled the blanket over us. I lay still under him, terrified of what his plan was and what he wanted to do to me, but he just laid down on top of me and rested his head on the pillow beside mine. He wasn’t being sexual, just weird.
“What’s this?” I asked him.
“What?”
I shrugged. “Whatever you’re doing. What is it?”
He chuckled. “It’s called laying on you. What did you think it was?”
I didn’t have the slightest idea.
“Is this too much for you?” he asked softly.
I nodded. It definitely was. But he wasn’t getting off me.
Rex kissed my cheek, and I closed my eyes. “Relax, Blake. Unless you’re doing something dangerous, like when Malcolm pulled you out of the pool, we’ll never, ever, make you do something that you don’t want to do. I know you like being touched, though, but it has to be on your terms. So, you tell me to get off you and I will. I’m not going to do anything but this—so if you like this, even a little, feel free to take your time getting used to having someone lying on top of you.”
“Not someone,” I quickly disagreed with him. “You. It’s not a blanket statement.”
“Fair enough.” He kissed my cheek again. This time I didn’t cringe. “Tell me you hate this, and I’ll stop.”
I knew that he would, too. And I trusted him to get off me the second I said that I’d had enough, but I wasn’t there. I didn’t hate this at all. It was weird, and I didn’t have a clue about what to do or where to put my hands on him, but I definitely didn’t want him to get off me either.
“You know that I’m a virgin, right?” I had no shame over that fact. It wasn’t something to be embarrassed about at all.
He nodded against my neck and laid little kisses over the curve of my neck where it met my shoulder. “I figured that out. I assumed that none of your bodyguards jumped you.”
No, they hadn’t. But it brought up the question of what he was doing. “Are CJ and Malcolm going to be okay with you being like this?”
“Are you asking me if they’re going to think that I’m cheating on them because I’m giving you a few little kisses?” Rex asked as he got up on his hands to loom over me.
I nodded and looked up at him. “I don’t know how any of this works. I don’t want to do something wrong here. I like having the three of you as my friends.”
Rex just smiled down at me. “You’re never going to do anything wrong.” He dropped down onto his elbows as he slowly brought his lips to mine. His kiss was slow, giving me plenty of time to decide if I wanted this or not. I didn’t understand how they were committed to one another, but he was kissing me. And I didn’t like that my very first kiss was clouded by that taint of uncertainty.
But I also did just like kissing him. He was gentle. Despite everything that he’d said and done to me, his kiss was like a whisper against my lips. And he never went further than that, as if he was letting me be rougher and faster if I wanted to be. But I didn’t. I couldn’t be. I didn’t know how to be. And when I turned my head to the side, he stopped kissing me.
“I’m sorry I made you cheat on them,” I whispered. I felt so guilty. What they’d had was so good, and I’d just ruined it by letting Rex kiss me.
“You didn’t,” he said before kissing me on my jaw. “It didn’t take the three of us long to figure out that we wanted to do more than just fuck you up against the island until you couldn’t stand, like I told you before. We care about you. We want you to feel safe, and we want you to be happy. We want you to be ours, in whatever way you can be.”
I froze under him. I couldn’t breathe. For a few seconds, I didn’t even know how to. He… They… But… I couldn’t even think. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could and I pressed my lips together.
“Blake?”
I didn’t answer him. I was too freaked out, too close to panic, to be able to come up with a rational thought. I finally got my hands up and pushed against his chest. Rex was quick to move off me. Then I could sit up and take some full, deep breaths as I tried to grab onto my scattered thoughts. I looked over at him and found him staring back at me.
“Are you so afraid of me that you’re going to panic at just the idea of belonging to us?” he teased me.
I blew out a shaky breath. Him teasing me had been just the thing I needed to break out of my panic, at least enough to be able to come up with a rational thought.
“Your client—”
“Is you. We quit the other one. Family emergency. You’re our family. And besides, he was a jackass. We were glad to be done with him. I wanted to tell him to fuck off. Malcolm was significantly more mature than me, but that’s generally how these things go.”
I shook my head before I plopped my head into my hands. “I’ve never had one relationship, let alone three. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know if I can,” I mumbled sadly. Part of me really wanted what he was offering me. A much bigger part of me, though, was absolutely terrified of even agreeing to try something like that. I didn’t want to get hurt, and I didn’t want to ruin what they had, either, with my issues and insecurities. I knew I could be normal and that any relationship with me would likely end in disaster. But I wanted something so badly. I wanted what they had, and I wanted to be a part of it. I was just so afraid to even try.
Rex pulled my hands away from my face and laced his fingers with mine. “Would it help to think of us like one person with three different personalities? Or one unit? We’re strong. Nothing is ever going to happen to that unit. But we’d like to include you in it too, if you want to be. I know it’s fast and this is a conversation that probably should have happened with the four of us over some kind of delicious dinner that you’ll be making for us. But I couldn’t resist, so it’s happening now. Here’s an analogy that might work. It’s one that we used on CJ. Say you have three socks, because you lost one, but those three are completely the same. So you can wear two of them at a time and it’s all fine, because they’re just your socks and that’s how they are. Well, how about if you found that missing sock in the back of your closet and now all of the sudden you have four socks, and they can go any way they want because they’re all the same socks, but they’re still just your socks.”
