"Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Then it ain't the unknown anymore and it ain't scary. Or I guess it could be a shitload scarier." Fans of the #1 bestseller Sht My Dad Says* will recognize the always-patient voice of Justin Halpern's dad as it crackles through the pages of this hysterical new book. The story begins when Justin takes his dad out to lunch to announce that he's decided to propose to his girlfriend. You've been dating her for four years," his dad replies. "It ain't like you found a parallel fucking universe. But eventually he gives Justin some advice: that he should take a day off and think back over everything he's learned in life about women, relationships, and himself before making his decision. And that's just what Justin does—revisiting everything from his disastrous childhood crushes to the night he finally lost his virginity while working as a dishwasher at Hooters. I Suck at Girls is full of his dad's patented brand of wisdom. But it's also full of new characters just as funny as his dad—from his brother, who provides insights into wedding night rituals ("You stand in one corner of the room, and she stands in the other. You each take off one piece of clothing at a time") to his first boss, who warns Justin to man up: "That's what a man does. He takes his shots and then he scrubs the shit out of some dishes." The result is a pilgrim's progress through the landscape of sex and love—by one of the funniest writers at work today.

This compilation of five short stories can be read at any point in the “Series That Just Plain Sucks.”*This is a finished series*A peasant in a 16th century Russian market.A lawyer with a scheming wife.A maiden forced into an arranged marriage.A noble trapped in a life of duty.A cowboy with a knack for train heists.What do these people have in common? Each on is about to die, only to rise again. As vampires they will eventually unit against a common enemy, but for now they must first learn to survive their own transition.This compilation of five short stories can be read at any point in the “Series That Just Plain Sucks.”

Being undead sucks. Literally.Just ask C. Thomas Flood. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything he\'s ever experienced, he discovers that his girlfriend, Jody, is a vampire. And surprise! Now he\'s one, too. For some couples, the whole biting-and-blood thing would have been a deal breaker. But Tommy and Jody are in love, and they vow to work through their issues.But word has it that the vampire who initially nibbled on Jody wasn\'t supposed to be recruiting. Even worse, Tommy\'s erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a blue-dyed Las Vegas call girl named (duh) Blue. And that really sucks.

We all have that one person in our lives who we consider "Our Person". Whether it be our best friend, significant other, sibling or parent. Our number one speed dial for when things get low, our biggest cheer leader when we need it the most. The person who above all else, simply gets us the most. The person our life would suck without.An embalmer with sticky fingers gets a tip that he'll never forget.Firelight reveals the ghosts of conscience past.Film noir femmes fatales take on their craziest caper yet in a trip beyond the stars.Horrors crawl from the kitchen sink, only to find itself a monster among monsters.And six other stories full of twisting, turning hidden horrors await in Days of Madness 4.Featuring new stories by Absolutely*Kate, Chris Allinotte, R.S. Bohn, Erin Cole, Park Cooper & Barb Lien, William Davoll, Richard Godwin, Mav Skye, Benjamin Sobieck, Angel Zapata.

Vampire governor of New Jersey, Belladonna Barrone has just gotten an epic offer from an unexpected visitor, but it's not something she's ready to respond to without serious thought. Besides, she already has a lot on her plate. The recent death of a high-ranking vampire means she and her crew of staff and friends are headed off to the funeral in the middle of the country. But travel can be tricky when it comes to moving vampires. The solution? Rent some luxury motorcoaches and prepare for a road trip that will be unlike any other. For one thing, the trip includes a stop off to meet the parents of her daughter's boyfriend. Something Donna isn't particularly looking forward to. After all, they're upstanding citizens and she's, well, the soon-to-be former wife of a mobster currently awaiting trial. For another, the dark shadow of serious allegations hangs over Donna and her human assistant, Pierce. Allegations made by her arch nemesis, Governor Fitzhugh, that will require...

Salad instead of steak? Working out? Skipping that second beer or glass of wine? Healthy habits are THE WORST. If you're someone who gets up every morning and can't wait for your run, considers eating sweet potatoes a splurge, and sets aside thirty minutes before work to meditate—this book isn't for you. If you're someone who thinks about getting up to go for a run but goes back to sleep, regrets last night's dinner of fast food, and can barely get to work on time—let alone meditate—then this book will help you find the motivation you've been looking for to live your healthiest life, even when you don't want to.With this funny, in-your-face guide, you won't find advice on how to "enjoy" exercise, or tips for making broccoli and kale taste as good as donuts and ice cream. What you will find are solid skills to help you actually do the healthy things you know you should be doing. Using these skills—based in acceptance and...

Once upon a time, my family name meant something. It meant everything. Then my father was taken away and my world was shattered. Where our name once brought glory and recognition, now it brings only disdain.Now when I roam the halls of Crescent Academy, I'm nothing.A nobody.A forgotten girl who gets nasty looks from everyone.Especially Gavin.There was a time when our families were close. Our dads were practically brothers. Now Gavin can't stand to even look at me.Now he's nothing but a bully.And he makes my life hell at every fucking chance.YOU SUCK is a high school bully romance. Not for the faint of heart.

A funny, touching look at the life of a social media influencer who starts to question the #goals life she has created for herself.Every day, Ellie motivates her hundreds of thousands of followers to become the best versions of themselves by posting videos of exercise routines and high-protein breakfast recipes. Far from the shy teenager that she was, she is now in a very public relationship with singer Samuel Vanasse, and together they have become one of the most popular influencer couples in the country. She has succeeded. She shines.And yet, Ellie worries that her life is not as flawless as she makes it seem on YouTube and Instagram. Between her obsession with the "ideal weight," her growing attraction to another man, her family's disdain for her career as a content creator and a collaboration with another influencer who Ellie can't stand, a thought haunts her. What if, by trying to become everything she wanted to be, she's lost herself along...

They say it takes a predator to catch one. Does an overweight cat qualify? With my apartment scheduled for fumigation, Tabitha and I are forced to pitch camp in my friend’s living room. Fortunately, Kayla already knows my succubus cat can talk—and that she doesn’t hold back. But something’s been preying on our host. I immediately suspect her new roommates, mainly the creep with the vampiric vibes. The feeder could also be lurking inside Kayla’s favorite nightclub, which will require this bookish wizard to infiltrate New York’s hardcore punk scene. And since I can’t leave Tabitha alone, we’re teaming up again. Even if she is eyeing the crowd a little too hungrily… Can we nail the predator before it devours my friend? And can I keep Tabitha from going full predator herself? Let’s don some studded leather and find out. Croft & Tabby is a spinoff of the popular Prof Croft series, set before the main books. If you like snarky cats, fledgling mages, and supernatural investigations, you'll love Croft & Tabby!

Dunn Kelly seldom has a problem covering for his alcoholic father. As the police force's only Special Populations detective, he spends his time freeing zombies tangled in turnstiles, checking rabies tags on werewolves, and sweeping up vampires who oversleep when moon bathing. But when teen pop star Delilah Idaho sees a wrinkle on her forehead, his world is turned upside down.

Genre: LGBT Vampire ParanormalRelated Title: What to Buy for the Vamp Who Has EverythingAdam's an undercover vice cop dealing with a dark past. He's no stranger to bad nights; in fact, he's lived a lot of them. But he won't survive this one. First, a drug deal he's working goes south. Then his partner and sometimes-fuck-buddy Peter has to watch him bleed to death. But the kicker: he's not sure what's worse. Watching Peter cry over him or waking up undead.Peter's a good cop in love with a bad man. Or a bad vampire, now. Watching Adam die was the worst thing he could imagine. Until he woke up. Now their relationship's in crisis. Adam's in the middle of a vampire enclave at the center of Los Angeles motorcycle clubs and Peter just can't hack it.Adam thinks he's fine with that. He's a commitment-phobe. But he's about to discover, immortality is seriously the suck.Publisher's Note: This book contains explicit sexual content, graphic language, and situations that some readers may find objectionable: Anal play/intercourse, male/male sexual practices, violence.

Nearly two years after Suck It Up, all Morning McCobb wants is to complete his training at the NY Fire Academy and to stay head over heels in love with Portia for as long as the chronology-crossed lovers can, given that she's now eighteen and he's stalled at sixteen.It's nearly the first anniversary of American Out Day, the historic day on which the Leaguer vampires of America began going mainstream without going bloodstream on their fellow mortal citizens.The tension between Morning's wish for a simple, out of the spotlight life, and Portia's cinematic obsession with historic events escalates to the breaking point when a super-sinister vampire rises from the grave with a powerful thirst, for revenge.From the Hardcover edition.Review"This writer is beyond hysterical...each and every page has something new, interesting and laugh-out loud funny. All this reader wishes is that Morning could have a new adventure every single month! Forget Bella and Edward...THIS is the vamp book to fall in love with!" - The Golden Isles of GeorgiaFrom the Inside FlapDear Reader,Do you wish vampires would lighten up? You know, step from the twilight, stop being mopey misfits, and mood-shift from fearful to cheerful?Wait no more. After my fanging-out party in Suck It Up, the blood-slurping set is marching in the first Vampire Pride Parade, and celebrating the first anniversary of vampires going mainstream without going bloodstream.Meanwhile, I'm training to become the first vampire firefighter in the FDNY, and my mortal girlfriend, Portia Dredful, is making a documentary on vampires who have sworn off necks and nibble on Leech Treats. Just two problems. 1) There's mortals who believe we're still more fiends than friends, and that we're the new "red menace." 2) There's this super sinister vampire with a thirst for revenge, and he wants vampires to "Take back the bite!"Who gets sipped? Who gets flipped? I dunno how it all shakes out, and stakes out, but I guarantee this: in the end someone's gonna suck it up and die!Morning McCobbVampires continue their hijinks and hilarious makeover in Brian Meehl's folly-infested follow-up to Suck It Up.

"You bitch, you killed me. You suck!" Being dead sucks. Make that being undead sucks. Literally. Just ask Thomas C. Flood. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything he's ever experienced, he discovers that his girlfriend, Jody—the woman of his dreams—is a vampire. And surprise! Now he's one, too. For some couples, the whole biting-and-blood thing would have been a deal breaker. But Tommy and Jody are in love, and they vow to work through their issues. Like how much Jody should teach Tommy about his new superpowers (and how much he needs to learn on his own). Plus there's Tommy's cute new minion, sixteen-year-old goth girl Abby Normal. (Well, someone has to run errands during daylight hours!) Making the relationship work, however, is the least of Jody and Tommy's problems. Word has it that the vampire who nibbled on Jody wasn't supposed to be recruiting any new members into the club. Even worse, Tommy's erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a blue-dyed Las Vegas call girl named (duh) Blue.

In Suck and Blow, John Popper recounts his early days of musical discovery, shares a forthright assessment of his longstanding battle with obesity, and discusses a range of topics, including life as a gun enthusiast, the vibrant New York music scene of the late '80s and early '90s, his wide- reaching political views, and his romantic travails. Throughout these pages, Popper calls some musicians out, praises others, and talks about his successes and failures in a self-deprecating, laugh-out-loud voice. At the heart of it all is his love for the harmonica, which transformed him from a failing New Jersey high school student into a Grammy-winning musician. This memoir will captivate both steady supporters and newcomers alike, through his signature honesty, humility, and humor.

Welcome to Gemini City, where super-battles disrupt rush hour, insurance claim adjusters rival rock stars, and villains stash the souls of murdered superheroes inside little children.It's been ten years since Shay Sinclair's parents were murdered by a super villain, leaving she and her sister to fend for themselves. Now at age sixteen, Shay has something that villain wants. Something he needs. After a chance encounter with a superhero in a stairwell, something awakens in Shay, something that could get her killed.Max Steel has spent the last ten years searching for one particular soul. Now, a coincidental run-in with Shay Sinclair leaves Max closer than he's ever been to everything he's ever wanted. But Max hits a brick wall when he goes after her. Unlike other girls her age, Shay isn't into superheroes. So, if Max wants to win her over and be reunited with the soul inside her, he must get creative. He invites Shay into a seductive world of fame, glamour, luxury, and epic battles...

Sean's frustrated because his girlfriend Kelly won't use her mouth, ever. Looking for advice, Sean tells his about what's going on and finds out she's in the same boat, because his dad won't go down on her. To his surprise, mom comes up with an idea that will make them both happy; they can be suck buddies! Better yet, mom promises to go first and show her son just how much she loves to suck!

Zombies aren’t scary, undead corpses searching for brains. They are just sweet guys seeking male essence to survive. At twenty-three the transition completes, keeping them forever young—as long as they receive male ejaculate. Club Zombie offers a haven for zombies, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from the patrons, and opportunity to find their destined mate. Alex Waterman learned from an early age to believe he was vile, and to feel ashamed of his “unnatural desires”. His life is a desolate place of suffering until he discovers… it’s not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to Club Zombie, where he belongs. In this world, his desires aren’t evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and instead of fear and loathing, he receives appreciative stares and aggressive flirting. But casual sex isn’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the piece of his soul he never knew he was missing until he looked for it. Roommate Ulrich calls to Alex, a self-destructive Cutter who needs grounding, and an element of irresistible danger that clings to bad boy Storm. Alex must decide between three tempting possibilities, but which one will fill his void? Maybe he should keep them all… Only, how is a dominant, orgasm-fearing virgin going to manage three virile men?

With irreverence, humor, and soul-touching candor, the former editor of Bicycling magazine explores the CrossFit phenomenon, the fitness revolution sweeping America, chronicling his experience "inside the box" and how he got into the best shape of his life.Lifelong amateur athlete Stephen Madden decided to put himself to the test, physically and mentally, by immersing himself in the culture, diet, and psyche of CrossFit—the fast-growing but controversial fitness regime that's a stripped-down combination of high intensity aerobic activity, weightlifting, calisthenics, and gymnastics practiced by more than two million athletes worldwide. But what's crazier? The fact that such a grueling regimen—in which puking and muscle breakdowns during workouts are common—is so popular, or that people pay good money to do it?In Embrace the Suck, Madden chronicles the year he devoted to mastering all of the basic Crossfit exercises like double unders,...

ARE YOU UP to your neck in bloodsucking vampire stories?Tired of those tales about dentally enhanced dark lords?Before I wrote this book I thought all vampires were night-stalking, fangpopping, bloodsucking fiends. Then I met Morning McCobb. He’s a vegan vampire who drinks a soy-blood substitute called Blood Lite. He believes staking should be a hate crime. And someday he hopes to march in a Vampire Pride Parade. He was also the first vampire to out himself and try to show people of mortality, like you and me, that vampires are just another minority with special needs. Trust me—this is like no other vampire book you’ll ever feed on. So, as my buddy Morning says, “Pop the lid, and suck it up.”From the Hardcover edition.From School Library JournalGrade 8 Up—Morning McCobb is graduating from the IVLeague (International Vampire League) Academy, where students are schooled to be Leaguers (vampires who live peacefully though secretly among mortals and subsist on animal blood) instead of Loners (those who follow the old ways). A forever-16-year-old misfit among his perfect classmates—the slightly older "hunks and hotties" usually chosen to become vampires—Morning is a SangFU (blood flub up); he accidentally received the "virus" while being bled dry by a Loner. He's also a vegan who drinks only a soy blood substitute. When he's offered the opportunity to be the first Leaguer to come out of the closet to the world and show mortals that vampires are just another special-needs minority, he jumps at the chance to end his outcast status and perhaps fulfill his one-time dream of becoming a firefighter. Things are going well until he becomes attracted to Portia, his PR specialist's outspoken daughter, and begins to experience true bloodlust for the first time. Meanwhile, a menacing Loner is determined to stop Morning from succeeding. Not quite as dark as most vampire novels, Meehl's story is filled with humor, quirky characters, light romance, mild suspense, and a lot of fun. A strong addition to a very popular genre.—Sharon Senser McKellar, Oakland Public Library, CA Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. From BooklistMeehl creates an original and light variation on the current trend in brooding teen vampire protagonists with Morning McCobb, a geeky, 16-year-old, New York orphan doomed to immortality. Morning’s “turning” from mortal to vampire was an accident; usually, only the young and beautiful are selected to join the vampiric community. The leader of the International Vampire League selects Morning to be the first vampire to out himself to humans, or Lifers. Thus begins a mutually manipulative relationship involving Morning, ace publicist Penny Dredful, and her 16-year-old daughter, Portia, a beautiful would-be filmmaker. Puns abound in this lengthy, complicated romp that will appeal particularly to fans of Terry Pratchett and Piers Anthony’s books. Current cultural references and teen dialogue will eventually date this title, but for the moment, teens will find it delightful. Grades 8-11. --Debbie Carton

CUTE PETS, POOPER-SHOOTERS, ALIENS...ANOTHER EXTREMELY GROSS AGNATH ADVENTURE!Sam and Jared's lives are in chaos once again. Why would the cute, cuddly, spoilt pets that get to lay around all day and have their food slopped out right in front of them purposely want to get their masters into trouble? Were they evil, stupid...eere they even from this world?"Oooh Crap!! Fluff Butt just pooped right in middle of the lounge-room rug!...a week's worth of Chunky Beef Tongue with Vegetables, Chicken Liver in Noodles, Lambs Brain in Gravy...all mooshed together, dissolving and rotting in the gastric juices of the dog's stomach. All deposited at once in a huge greeny browny yellowish dump!"...Lick'd, book 3 from the new 9 book 'Freaky' Series is great—even for reluctant readers. Schools also are loving the books because they now find that lots of kids who wouldn't engage in reading previously are hanging out for the next title.

Like a bad dream Reese has return to torment China. It was bad enough shed spent most of her college years deeply in lust with the oaf, only to find him in bed with her roommates. Both of them. Now he seemed to have developed classic foot in mouth disease. Oh she just could not wait until the travesty that was her best friends wedding was over so she could go back to never having to see the best man, her nemeses, ever again. Okay, so he couldnt seem to say the right thing. But China knew him. Why didnt she cut him some slack. After all, she had blithely ignored him all through college as he bent over backward trying to catch her eye. This time he wasnt going to let her go. This time she would see him, the real him; not just the stupid things he said. Now if he could only get the groom to call of this wedding as an added bonus

"Sometimes I'd see my father, walking past my building on his way to another nowhere. I could have given him a key, offered a piece of my floor. But if I let him inside the line between us would blur, my own slow-motion car wreck would speed up." Nick Flynn met his father for the third time when he was twenty-seven years old, working as a caseworker in a homeless shelter in Boston. As a teenager he'd received letters from this stranger, a self-proclaimed poet and con man doing time in federal prison for bank robbery. Nick, his own life precariously unsettled, was living alternately in a ramshackle boat and in a warehouse that was once a strip joint. In bold, dazzling prose, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City (a phrase Flynn senior uses to describe his life on the streets) tells the story of two lives and the trajectory that led Nick and his father into that homeless shelter, onto those streets, and finally to each other.