Forever Changes, page 9
Brianna didn’t know how to feel as she listened to a guy named Zach talk about student life at MIT. On the one hand, she had to admit that it was kind of exciting to think about just being somewhere where she could totally focus on what she was good at. It would be like taking only the parts of school that she liked.
Except for the people she liked. Melissa would be across the river at BU and might as well be a hundred miles from here. Stephanie would be at UMass-Dartmouth or Lowell if she was lucky, North Shore Community College if she wasn’t. Brianna would be here with Adam. Maybe not everybody who went here was like him, but it hardly sounded like the fall of the Roman Empire party that Eccles had talked about.
The admissions lady—her name was Chia-Wen–stood up and started talking. “Of course, the advantages of an MIT education don’t stop when you graduate. Our graduates have the highest starting income of any alumni in the greater Boston area. You become part of an alumni network that includes major players in the top research universities and the top companies in software, biotech, and pretty much any other technical field you can think of.”
Here we go again, Brianna thought. In high school, everyone’s always talking about college. And apparently in college, everyone talks about life after college.
It was time for the tour, and they filed out of the room. “The guys aren’t much to look at, huh?” Brianna whispered to Chiquita.
Chiquita looked around and smiled. “Yeah, it’s a pretty sorry selection. But when I’ve got my biotech job and my six-figure salary, I’ll have options my communications major friends won’t even be able to dream of.”
Brianna laughed, even though she was jealous. It must be nice to be able to take the long view like that. As the tour went on, Brianna started listening to snatches of conversation as people walked by. “… too much attention to the signal,” a tall guy was saying to a short girl, “when the real action was in the noise!” They both laughed. “The whole time I was using the wrong coefficient!” an Indian guy was saying to a white guy. It seemed like everybody was talking about math, and she could tell by the looks on people’s faces that they really loved it. In spite of the stuff about job prospects, this was a place where she might be able to immerse herself in math. Her brain felt the way it felt when she did a puzzle or solved an equation: buzzing, contented, good.
Her imagination strained at the end of its leash, and, for the first time in months, she let it run free. She pictured herself as a student here, wearing a maroon sweatshirt with white letters and thinking about problem sets, thinking about physics, surrounded by smart people and staying up late and eating bad food and sleeping in a dorm and making friends and having all the guys she knew bugging her about when Melissa was coming over again.
Brianna was so caught up in her reverie that when the tour ended and Adam came up to her and said, “Hey, do you want to grab some coffee after our interviews?,” she told him sure without even thinking about it, because grabbing coffee at five in the afternoon was the kind of thing that cool college students did. Still buzzing with excitement, Brianna sailed through her interview, rhapsodizing about the beauty of math in a way that would have made Eccles proud.
It was only after they sat down that Brianna began to regret her decision to have coffee with him. After they’d talked about the tour and their interviews for about five minutes, there was an uncomfortable silence.
“Um,” Adam said, “Listen, I’ve been wanting to ask you something.”
Brianna wanted to smack herself on the forehead. Idiot! He’d asked her to coffee so he could reveal that he liked her. Who would she talk to in homeroom? Who would be her ally in Calc class?
“Yeah?” Brianna said.
“Well, I … God, this is so embarrassing … I guess I was just wondering if you thought I might have a chance in hell with Stephanie.”
Brianna really wanted to laugh with relief that it wasn’t her after all, that they could still be friends. But she couldn’t laugh, because he’d think she was laughing at the idea of him having a chance with Stephanie. Which was pretty laughable, but it would be mean to laugh.
It would also be mean to say the first thing she thought, which was, “maybe if she forgets her contacts and you have a bottle of tequila,” but she wasn’t sure if that was meaner about Adam or Stephanie.
“Hmmmm …” she said, stalling. Because how do you tell a guy no, you don’t have a prayer without hurting his feelings.
Uh-oh. Too late. Adam was looking at the table like it was the most interesting thing on earth. “I know, I know, it’s ridiculous. Just forget I said anything, I know she’s not really–”
“Well, here’s the thing,” Brianna said. “I really wish she would go out with you, because she’s a really good friend, and she deserves somebody as nice as you.” Adam looked up with a hopeful expression on his face. “But right now, I mean, she seems to only be interested in guys who are stupid and treat her like dirt. And you’re not dumb and you’d probably be really nice to her, and I wish for both of your sakes that that was what Stephanie wanted, but right now it’s not.”
Adam was obviously happy that Brianna had said some nice things about him, but he still looked embarrassed that he’d shared his impossible dream and found that it was, in fact, impossible.
“I mean, have you seen the guys she goes out with?”
“Size and IQ of oak trees,” Adam said grinning.
“Pretty much.
“Yeah. Well.” Adam said. “Her loss, I guess.” His face looked really sad for a second, but then he recovered, forced a smile and said, “I’ve always got Jessica Alba as a fallback.”
“That skank?”
“Hey, I know she’s not much to look at, but she has an inner beauty.”
Brianna smiled, and they silenty polished off their coffees. “Well, look, Dad’s expecting me for dinner, so I should head out. You want a ride?”
Traffic was nightmarish, and for a while they just listened to the music: Love’s Forever Changes. They didn’t talk, they just listened. She was glad they had this album in common, especially because listening to it was a lot easier than the conversation they’d just had.
no hassling me
When Brianna got home, just because she was kind of annoyed at Dad for being right, she decided to make him wait. He lasted five whole minutes before saying, “So.”
“Yeah?” Brianna said as she grabbed plates and glasses to put on the table.
“So how was it?”
“It was good. I’m going to apply. But it’s the only place I’m applying, no safety school, and no hassling me about the application.”
Dad said nothing, but he was beaming. He was trying to be cool, but he couldn’t keep this gigantic grin off his face. “I’m really proud of you sweetie,” he said.
Now Brianna was the one who couldn’t stop herself from smiling. She said, “okay, okay, none of that. Everything’s going to stay normal around here, alright, and don’t start bragging about me or anything because I might not get in.”
“You’ll get in.”
“Not if you keep jinxing it!”
“Okay. So do I get to hear about MIT, or is it all shrouded in mystery?”
Brianna found that she kind of wanted to talk about it, to tell Dad everything about the signal-to-noise guy and the campus and her sweatshirt fantasy, but she was too afraid that if she did say it out loud, that she was daring to hope for life after graduation, that she’d immediately fall sick.
“I know this sounds totally weird, but I just can’t really talk about it right now. I’m sorry. It was cool and I’m going to apply, and I will talk about it later, but not yet.”
“Okay. Do you have any recommendations yet?”
“Dad, that actually counts as hassling me about the application.”
Dad held up his hands in surrender. “All right. I’m not hassling. So guess what I found in the break room today?”
“I don’t know. Porno mags?”
“Worse. Webcam and mike.”
“They’re spying on you?”
“Well, not anymore. I just happened to trip over Joanne’s purse that she’d carelessly left on the floor, which sent my coffee flying, and I’m afraid it might have gotten on some of the electronics.”
Brianna laughed. “Good for you,” she said.
“Total accident!” Dad said, pointing to the light over the table like it held a microphone and smiling. “I would never intentionally sabotage the property of the Bargain Zone Corporation!”
After dinner, they washed dishes together, and then Brianna called Melissa and Stephanie and did her homework. When she finally turned off her desk lamp and got into her pajamas, she realized she didn’t hear the TV, and the sounds of classic rock coming from the garage must mean that Dad was still out there working on customizing somebody’s bike.
to be kind to our fellow creatures
The next week was November 8, Brianna’s nineteenth birthday. She hadn’t really made any plans. In fact, it snuck up on her. Nobody had asked her what she wanted or anything, and she hadn’t talked about it. It felt like bad luck. She knew this was probably crazy, but she thought she might only still be alive because of some sort of supernatural clerical error, and if she drew people’s attention to the fact that she was still around, somebody would catch their mistake and zap her into the grave. Dumb, but there it was.
“Happy Birthday,” Dad said in the morning. “I’m glad you were born.” He’d been saying this on her birthday for as long as she could remember, and it was corny, but also very sweet. “Do you want your present now or later?”
“Hmmm,” Brianna said. “I guess later.” It was probably an Old Navy gift card or some CDs that Dad got with his employee discount at Bargain Zone. Well, it would be fun to get something.
“Are you sure?” Dad said.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“I mean, I think you might actually enjoy your day a little more if you have this present,” Dad said.
“Okay,” Brianna said. Well, that pretty much ruled out the Old Navy gift card. Still, maybe it was a CD that he thought she might like to listen to.
“Great!” Dad beamed. “Follow me.” He started walking toward the garage, and all Brianna could think was that her present was probably pretty small if he could fit it in between the weights and all the bikes in there.
“Now there were some delays, and I’m really sorry it’s not completely ready, and I’m really sorry it’s not done, but I wanted you to know it was coming. Dad threw open the garage door. “Happy Birthday!” he said.
Brianna peered around him and saw, what was, or possibly would be, a motorcycle. It was a small one—looked like it had started life as a 150-cc Honda or something. It was still mostly in pieces, but the gas tank was painted to resemble a killer whale. When Brianna was younger, she’d been obsessed with marine mammals. She’d always liked the killer whales because they were fierce and mean, and the fact that they couldn’t breathe in the place where they spent most of their lives didn’t hold them back from being fearsome predators.
“Oh my God!” she yelled. “Dad! Is that really for me?”
“Yeah, Sweetie, it is.”
“Oh my God! How did you … when did you … it’s so awesome! Oh my God, this is the best freakin’ present I’ve ever seen!” She threw her arms around Dad and said, “Thank you thank you thank you!”
Dad smiled. “You’re welcome. I hope you like it. I’m sorry it’s not all ready to go. We have to teach you how to ride it and get you a license and everything, so I’m sorry, because it’s not–”
“Dad, shut up! I love it!”
She got dressed and medicated as quickly as she could and then hopped into the Sunfire. She patted the dashboard and said, “it won’t be long until you’re second choice, pal.”
Melissa and Stephanie both gave her cards and told her they were kidnapping her after school. “To go where?” she asked.
“It’s a surprise.”
“Okay.”
In homeroom, Adam was clutching an MIT application. “Got your recommendations yet?” he said.
“Adam, we were just there last night.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m a little excited. I got in early and asked Ms. Kellie for one. You should totally ask Eccles. He loves you.”
“Ew, don’t be gross.”
“I don’t mean like that. I mean in a teacher’s pet way, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, he’ll probably write a great recommendation.”
Brianna didn’t know if it was annoying or good that Adam was going to be making sure she got every step of the application done by the early decision deadline.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll ask him today.”
“Cool. Now, have you looked at the essays yet?”
“Adam, you seriously need to relax. I’ve had the thing for about fifteen hours, and I actually did sleep for about six of those, so if you have any more questions about what I’ve done yet, the answer is nothing.”
Adam grinned. “Sorry. Geeking out a little bit. Just walking around campus and picturing myself there and thinking about getting out of this place—I just can’t wait to get out of here.”
It was more complicated for Brianna. She had been excited at MIT, but she wanted to make this year last because it could represent as much as five percent of her time on earth, and she wasn’t going to wish it away. Before she could tell Adam any of this, or question whether this was a conversation she really wanted to get into before eight in the morning, the bell rang.
“Oh, by the way,” Adam said as they were dismissed, “happy birthday.” He handed her a card and practically ran out of homeroom. She was glad they’d talked about Stephanie because it meant she could just enjoy the card as a gesture of friendship. How had he known it was her birthday anyway?
The front of the card had this muscular guy with a big sword killing a dragon. Inside, it said, “I wanted to make sure there’d be no draggin’ around on your birthday!”
Adam had written, “I thought about getting a less geeky card, but I do have an image to maintain. Happy Birthday.”
She stowed the card in her bag and went to class.
Even though she knew Adam was right, Brianna was nervous about asking Eccles for a recommendation.
She hung back after class, and Adam gave a discreet thumbs up, and left her alone with the teacher.
“Uh, Mr. Eccles?” She said.
Eccles looked up from rooting through a desk drawer and grinned. “Ms. Pelletier! How can I help you?”
“Well, I’ve decided to get myself to a dormitory, and I was just wondering …” She trailed off. What was she supposed to say? Can you write something about how wonderful I am? She knew teachers did this stuff all the time, but it was still really hard to ask.
“You were wondering if I could write you a recommendation?”
Brianna blushed. “Yeah.”
“Ms. Pelletier, it would be my pleasure. It is so rare that I get to write a recommendation for someone with such a brilliant mathematical mind. Your recommendation practically writes itself.”
Now Brianna was really embarrassed. She managed to thank him and added, “Obviously I’m not going to see it or anything, but I really want them to know I can do math, you know, not just that I’m sick.”
“Ms. Pelletier, it would never even cross my mind to mention anything but your mathematical ability. Though I do hope your own essay will pull tears from the eyes of the hardest-hearted admissions counselor.”
“Oh, I’m gonna milk it for all it’s worth. It’s caused me enough trouble, I figure the least it can do is get me into MIT.”
Eccles laughed. “Wonderful, wonderful. Yes, Ms. Pelletier. Fantastic. I shall begin your recommendation with all due dispatch.”
“Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.”
“Yes. Time is short.”
Brianna suddenly felt bad, like he thought she wanted to make sure he wrote it before he croaked. “Oh, jeez, I didn’t mean…”
“Oh, I know, Ms. Pelletier. Forgive me. I know you are applying early decision. I’m sorry to drag mortality into the discussion. It’s never far from my mind, but that’s no reason I should trouble you.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s never far from my mind either.”
It was strange to have this kind of moment with a teacher, but it was really nice, too. They completely understood each other, and Brianna felt better about herself, because here was this guy who went to the beach to think deep thoughts, a guy who had all these years of pondering things that were impossible to understand, and when it came to looking at the end of his life, he was scared, too.
“I do think about what you said, though, with the math, and everything. It makes me feel better sometimes.”
“I’m glad, Ms. Pelletier. One tiny good deed to weigh against a lifetime of … well, in any case, I’m glad if anything I’ve said has provided any comfort. I’ve come to believe more and more that our mission is less to discover the beauty of the universe through mathematics and more to simply be kind to our fellow creatures.”
Eccles suddenly looked incredibly old and sad, and Brianna felt sorry for him. She had a weird thought—maybe the only good thing about dying young was that she hadn’t had time to build up a lifetime of regrets. When she thought about her life, she remembered a couple of times in middle school when she’d been really mean, and some of the times when she took out her bad feelings on Dad because he was the closest target. But she hadn’t done anything bad enough to feel like she’d made the world worse. All the years Eccles had been teaching, all the kids he’d helped get into college, all the kids who he’d shown that there were other, bigger things to think about besides who looked at you in the cafeteria, and he obviously still felt like his equation wasn’t balanced.
Eccles shook his head. “My apologies once again for waxing philosophical. I shall have your recommendation complete by next week.”
“Thanks so much. And don’t worry about the philosophy. I can handle it.”
