Lily’s Eagle: Devil’s Nightmare MC Next Generation, Book 1, page 4
Figures he’d notice I don’t even have my purse. But I don’t answer him. I just climb on the back of his bike and wrap my arms around his waist. “Let’s go.”
“Where?” he asks, chuckling like I’ve said a dumb thing.
“Anywhere,” I say and leave it at that.
He takes a few seconds like he’s puzzling it all out, then does the right thing and doesn’t ask any questions, just puts his helmet back on and drives off into the deep darkness of the empty street. My hair is flying loose in the wind as he takes the first turn off towards the one of the many country roads crisscrossing the hills and redwood forests around here. The wind caressing my bare arms is cold, but oh, so refreshing and cleansing.
Sanctuary, my father’s MC HQ is on one of these hills-Resolution Hill, it’s called—but that’s not where he’s taking me. Life could be so simple if this was enough for me. The wind in my hair, a well-oiled, smooth-riding bike beneath me and a guy in my arms. Every club girl’s dream. Or so I’m told. But it’ll never be enough. And I’ll never just be a club girl. Not in this, my father’s club anyway.
But for right now, I don’t have to think about any of that. I just have to let the cool air and the bike’s vibrations shake loose all the crap weighting me down, making it hard to move, let alone think. I can just enjoy the sweet, slightly tangy smell of the trees, and the coarser scent of the clean earth and asphalt beneath it, as Eagle’s bike eats up the road.
This is it. This is the freedom that is my birthright. To be one with this land, the land of my forefathers and mothers, the native peoples of this land. Every time the trees lining the road thin out, and the vast indigo sky dotted with diamond-bright stars opens up before us, I feel the beauty and peace of this world deep in my bones. We are all a part of this natural beauty, my grandfather taught me, but that’s been so easy to forget living so far from my people. It’s so clear to me right now, though.
But Eagle stops much too soon. Atop a hill, at a picnic area that’s not so very far from Sanctuary as I thought we were. But it’s also near the diamond stars, so I don’t complain as I dismount and walk over to the nearest picnic table, climbing up to sit on it with my feet resting on the bench. The night is even colder up here and I’ll probably start shivering any moment now.
“Here,” he says and hands me his jacket. The jacket’s warm from his body and being cold is just a distant afterthought as soon as I wrap it around my shoulders. He takes a seat beside me, and I don’t want to love his scent riding on the leather, as much as I do, but I can’t deny that I do either.
“It probably would’ve been better if I went with you earlier,” I say as I look at him from the corner of my eyes, smile at him wryly. His features are chiseled out by the moonlight, making him look more like a statue than a person. I hadn’t planned on telling him anything, and he wasn’t asking, but I want someone to know.
“They let you go quick enough, so no harm done, I guess,” he says, his voice clipped like he’s not quite over how I pushed him away earlier. “But why did all your fancy friends just leave you there?”
“Well, I knew you’d come riding by sooner rather than later,” I say, and watch him very closely from the corner of my eyes.
He turns to me sharply, his eyes almost as intense as mine can get. “Why? Because I have nothing better to do that follow you around?”
He sounds pissed off and he’s right to be. But that’s not how I meant what I said. I meant it as a thank you. I smile at him, wrap my arm under his and lean my head against his shoulder.
“No. Because you’re the only person I can count on to have my back one hundred percent of the time. And I’m really thankful for that. But I don’t express it enough.”
“Yeah, try never,” he says quietly. He was tense when I started talking but he’s relaxed now, sighs as he lets out the breath he was holding as he waited for whatever jibe he expected me to come up with next.
But I told him the truth. I had planned to tell him everything else too, tell him exactly what happened tonight. But that’s my burden to bear and it’s too much for him to carry. He’d have to tell Cross, that’s part of his job. And then Cross would do something stupid and Hunter wouldn’t have a dad anymore, and Roxie wouldn’t have a husband and it’d all be my fault, because I don’t belong here and therefore can never do anything right here. Or, if I made him swear not to tell anyone, he’d just try and do something on his own, and get hurt, or locked up and I couldn’t live with that.
“Look at this peaceful, gorgeous night all around us. The swaying trees, the sweet wind, the twinkling stars,” I say after he doesn’t say anything. “This is our birthright. This is where you and I belong. Where our people belong.”
“What’s wrong, Lily?” he asks sharply. “What happened to you tonight?”
“Nothing happened,” I snap back. “I just finally realized that I can’t do any damn good in this town.”
I can feel him looking at me, but I don’t meet his gaze. He’ll just know I’m hiding something, and then he’ll keep pressing. The chief is my problem to solve.
“Come on, Lily,” he persists. “Just spill it. You know you want to.”
Why is he choosing right now to be this inquisitive? Why isn’t he just letting me say goodbye? Probably because he’s still pissed over the way I sent him away earlier.
“I already told you—“
“Something happened to you,” he interrupts. “I know it did.”
“How do you know?”
“You’re all shaken up. And because you’re being too nice to me,” he says and chuckles like it’s a joke that I’m too snippy with him too often, even when I don’t want to be. Even when I shouldn’t be. Oh, what the hell am I thinking? There’s never gonna be anything between us because he doesn’t want it and neither do I.
“The police chief attacked me because he wants Cross to come after him so he can lock him up,” I say without pausing for breath. “And then I ran away and he just let me. Maybe he’s looking for me right now. Or maybe he’ll come knocking on the doors at Sanctuary in the morning. I don’t have the first clue about how to handle this, so I just wanted to sit here with you and not think about it, but you’re not gonna stop asking are you?”
He’s looking at me with wide eyes, the expression on his face frozen and suggesting he’d just run into a wall. Hard. Not a single muscle of his is moving. Only his hair is stirred by the breeze, moving across his forehead then flying out. He looks like a stone statue. I shouldn’t have told him. Why the hell did I? Because I’m selfish, that’s why.
“I know,” I say. “I’m just as speechless. And at a total loss on how to handle it.”
“I’m gonna kill that piece of shit,” he says, and it sounds like he’s grinding stones between his teeth as he speaks.
I wince. Those words sum up the entirety of why I should’ve told him. And exactly why I can’t tell anyone else. They’ll just get themselves hurt. And for what? Because a smelly old man kinda groped me. Come on.
I lace my fingers through his and squeeze his hand.
“No, Eagle,” I say. “He’s not worth it and it’s my problem to handle.”
“How the fuck…” he starts, but stops talking before he says the wrong thing and accuses me of not being able to. He knows me well enough to know that will not go over well at all.
“I fought him off just fine and I can do it again,” I say just to make it perfectly clear.
“We… you have to tell Cross.”
I shake my head. “That’ll just worry him and it’s pointless. He knows the cops are after him and he knows they’ve been trying to get to him through me. Nothing’s changed.”
“How can you say that?” he says sharply. “That guy assaulted you less than two hours ago.”
His arm is still wrapped around my shoulders, holding me tight. That is why I told him. For the support.
I shrug. “He just went a step further than ever before. But I’m out now and he’s never getting near me again.”
He shakes his head, rolling his eyes just a touch. “So you’re gonna stop protesting?”
His tone tells me exactly what he thinks of my fighting for the causes I believe in. Not much and nothing good. That will never change.
“No, I probably won’t ever do that again,” I say bitingly and slowly, letting every word hang before uttering the next. “But what I am going to do is get the hell out of this town like I should’ve done ages ago.”
He’s perfectly motionless again, only his silky, black hair stirring in the wind. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but it looks like it’s a lot.
“You’re saying you’re gonna leave?” he asks quietly and the words sink like a stone deep in my chest. “Like you’ve been doing since you got here?”
“Can you take me home now?” I ask. “I have to pack.”
I move to stand up, but he tightens his grip on my shoulders and won’t let me. He’s also still holding onto my hand.
“You can’t go,” he says in a choked voice, like it pains him to use it.
“Of course I’m going,” I say. “Back to the reservation, back to my roots. That’s where I belong. Not here.”
“Don’t be stupid, Lily,” he says. “Of course you belong here. And that reservation isn’t this nice place you imagine. It’s not a good place to be, especially not for a beautiful woman alone.”
He’s still gripping my hand very tightly, as though he’ll never let me go. It’s a strong grip, and warm, and ever so slightly desperate. I shouldn’t have told him I’m going. Why did I tell him? Because I want him to stop me? No, it’s not that. It’s worse than that. I want him to come with me. Even though I know it’s a path I must walk alone.
“You could come with me if you weren’t neck deep in MC business,” I say, not even sure why. It’s not like I’m changing anything by speaking it aloud.
He freezes yet again, his face turning to stone, right before a fire so bright lights up in his eyes I feel its heat.
And the next moment his lips are on mine, warm and silky and so much softer than I ever hoped they would be. It’s a hungry kiss, a desperate kiss, laden with years of waiting for it to happen. And my kiss in response is no different.
For the few seconds it lasts, nothing else matters. None of what was, none of what will be, none of what can’t be, and none of what needs to happen. All the peaceful freedom of the wild, untamed world I so long to be one with is in this kiss. All of what was, what is and what has yet to come.
I’ve waited so long for this kiss, I gave up any hope that it would ever come.
No.
I had no more hope for it.
And it has come at exactly the wrong time.
I pull back, pushing him away by laying my free hand firmly on his chest as he tries to follow. His heart is thumping fast and strong underneath my palm.
“No, Eagle,” I say. “Take me home.”
He looks so confused I’m sure he doesn’t even know his name right now.
“We’re not doing this,” I say firmly and manage to extricate my other hand from the iron grip he still has on it and stand up.
“That kiss didn’t say you don’t want it,” he says. “It said the opposite.”
“But I’m saying it. I’m saying I don’t want it,” I say and hop off the bench. “And I mean it. Let’s go.”
I turn my back on him and walk to his bike. The less we talk about this the better. Who cares if this is exactly what I wanted for the better part of my teenage years. I know that now. But it doesn’t change a thing.
It came too late, we’re not from the same world, and that’s that.
* * *
EAGLE
Women have always given me whiplash and none worse than Lily. I want her, she wants me. I want her, she doesn’t. I don’t, and she does. Story of our life together. I’ve never taken it this far. Never tried to kiss her before. I probably should’ve. Maybe I’d have a chance then.
But the rejection still hurts.
She’s being her silent, impenetrable fortress of self-assurance as she waits for me by the bike. She’s wearing my jacket now, and before I kissed her, I’d have taken that as a good sign, but now I have no idea what to make of it.
The moonlight spilling across the clearing is making her dark hair glow like old, unpolished silver. Her eyes glow silver too. And I can’t believe I fucked this up so bad. She just got assaulted and I kissed her. Who does that?
“Listen, I shouldn’t have… I’ll make sure the chief gets his,” I say as I walk up to her, but she shakes her head.
“Let’s not talk, Eagle,” she says. “That’s my problem to handle and you’re going to let me do that. And all this is hard enough without having to talk about it.”
I have no idea how to take that, but it feels like a blow to the stomach. Like rejection. Total and complete rejection. And few things have ever made me this angry.
I mount my bike, barely wait for her to get on behind me, and peel off, kicking up a cloud of dust and sharp pebbles.
In a minute, I’ll be sorry for feeling this way.
In another, I’ll be mad again.
And after I drop her off at Sanctuary and I have the rest of the night to think about all the ways I fucked this up and all the ways I should’ve done it differently, I’ll cycle through all of that a million more times.
Lily.
I can’t live without her and I can’t live with her.
And that’s never gonna change.
The wind is growing colder and colder the closer to Sanctuary we get. Normally I love riding the empty roads amid the tall, ancient trees. But tonight the redwood forest seems to be closing in on me, cutting off my air and my sanity, making me feel like I’ll never escape it.
“Just drop me off here,” she says as we reach the tall metal gate in the wall that encircles Devil’s Nightmare MC HQ. It’s already opening to let us in. “I want to walk.”
“Look, about earlier…” she silences me by laying her warm, soft fingers against my lips, sending all the blood straight to my cock, exactly the opposite of what needs to happen.
“I can’t talk,” she says. “I have to think.”
Typical. She needs her alone time. All the time. And I’ll be on pins and needles until she decides to take me off them. Just typical.
“I was out of line,” I say anyway. “After what happened to you…I shouldn’t have…”
She silences me once again with the same exact gesture. Then leans in and kisses my cheek, the touch delicate and soft like a feather’s caress, but actually more like the flap of a butterfly’s wing that causes a hurricane on the other side of the world.
“I’ll see you around,” she says, hands me my jacket and walks away, entering the compound before my head even stops spinning.
I want to go after her. I want to shout for her to stop. I want to fix this thing I managed to break. I want to know if she means it that I’ll see her soon, because I don’t think she does. I think she’s just saying it because it’s what I want to hear.
And most of all, I wish I knew what to do with this hurricane of feelings she always creates in me.
But I don’t think I ever will.
5
LILY
I always loved taking nighttime walks in the vast garden that encircles my father’s HQ and my home for the past twelve years or so.
The house itself is a sprawling, 19th century monstrosity, with buttresses on the roof and ornate stonework on all the corners and windows. The inside is even worse, with all the marble and polished wood and sparkling chandeliers everywhere.
On the reservation, I lived in a run down, two bedroom trailer and slept on a lumpy mattress that was at least fifty years old. We didn’t have running water, and sometimes the electricity went out too. This looked like a castle from some story book when I first saw it, and until I did, I didn’t even believe places like this existed. But I did know that I sure as hell never wanted to be cooped up in one of them. I belong on the prairie, the vast empty land I’m a part of.
But I always loved the garden though. It’s so full of life, so full of everything that is wholesome and good about this planet and I could get lost in it for hours. Nothing ever followed me in there. No care and no worry. And eventually I grew to like the house as well. Because I found a family inside its walls. But the family I left behind on the reservation has never stopped calling me back.
Sanctuary used to be a convalescent home for the rich back in the day before the last owner turned it into a HQ for Devil’s Nightmare MC. But that was well before my time. Or even my father’s.
The fresh, ancient scent of moist, resting earth, wild growing trees and bushes follows me as I make my way up the long gravel path to the house. The garden is calling me. And I could very well find that nook under a tall redwood tree, where I’d sometimes lay, sleeping on soft, fragrant needles on hot summer nights. One with the earth. That’s my birthright.
But I have other things I must do tonight. And they can’t wait.
I also can’t let myself think too hard about the Eagle’s kiss. If I do, I’ll be lost. I loved it too much. But it’s too late.
The huge, heavy double doors that lead into the house are closed, but they’re never locked and as I push them open, I hear voices coming from the spacious dining room just to the left of the door. Tank and Ice are having a heated discussion in there, and Rook and Scar are there too. None of them notice me slip past the door on my way to my father’s study at the far end of the ground floor.
The lobby is dark and there’s a band of bright light along the bottom of his door, meaning he’s in there. Good. At least one thing is going my way tonight.
I knock hastily but open the door before Cross responds.
“Lily?” he says, looking at me like I’m the last person he expected to see tonight.
He’s sitting in one of two black leather armchairs, a tumbler of whiskey in his hand. The coffee table is covered by papers and photos, several layers deep and the breeze coming in thought the open window stirs it all, making it rustle.
