Untitled DBBW, page 5
I shrugged as Little Red offered me another.
‘She’s right,’ said Little Red. ‘Break it up with your teeth… Things taste much better that way.’
Well, I’ll try anything once. I decided to give it a go and eat this one more slowly. I was amazed. Let me tell you – things taste WAY better when you chew! You get the full flavour, know what I mean? Not just a lump in your stomach that tells you you’re full, but the herbs, the butter, the delicious, dripping, melty cheese – mmm mmm – it was incredible!
‘Good?’ asked Little Red.
‘Not bad,’ I said, trying to play it cool as I reached for a third pie.
‘Okay, but that’s your last one!’ said the witch. ‘It’s important to know when you’re full too.’
‘Oh, I almost forgot,’ said Little Red, ‘you have some visitors outside, if you’re up to it?’
I blinked. Visitors? Who would come and visit the Big Bad Wolf? ‘Sure, why not,’ I said. I was curious to see who was out there.
When they poked their little heads round the door, I couldn’t believe my eyes. They shuffled into the room, hats in their hands, eyes on the floor, tails drooping.
‘We’re sorry, wolf,’ said the first.
‘We didn’t mean to tease you…’ said the second.
‘Hope we can be friends?’ said the third.
Friends? Well, I didn’t even know what to say to that. Those little piggies want to be friends with the Big Bad Wolf? You have to respect that sort of bravery!
‘Sure, why not?’ I said, and in spite of myself, I found I was smiling. ‘And, you know, sorry about the whole –’ I waved my paw around – ‘trying-to-EAT-you thing.’
The pigs laughed nervously, and moved closer to each other.
‘Well, that’s lovely,’ said Little Red, offering pies around to everyone. ‘You see, wolfy, vegetables can be just as satisfying as meat.’
Then there was another knock at the door. ‘What is this, a birthday party?’ I said, but in truth I was enjoying myself now.
‘It’s open!’ called Grandma, and a moment later, a little head popped round the door.
A wolf’s head!
It was Squirt!
The runtiest wolf from the spring barbecue.
‘Hi, Lawrence,’ he said in a quiet voice. ‘I, um, heard you weren’t well and I just came to see how you were doing?’
I opened my mouth, and closed it again, but no words came out. I was in shock. I guess I didn’t expect to see any of the pack again after my humiliation at the barbecue, and least of all Squirt. I had been so rude to him.
I wiped at my cheek. I must have got a bit of pastry crust in my eye or something, because I seemed to have tears rolling down my cheek. ‘You… came to see me? After how I treated you…’
I hung my head. I couldn’t even finish my sentence.
‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘I knew you didn’t mean it.’
Then he turned to Little Red. ‘Did you like the new batch?’ he asked.
‘Oh yes,’ she said, beaming. ‘These ones are REALLY good! What’s the new ingredient?’
‘Wild oregano,’ he said. ‘Found some growing in the woods… Seems to really bring out the flavour of the cheese.’
‘Wait a minute. Are you telling me YOU made these pies?’
‘Yup,’ said Squirt. ‘I tried to offer you one at the barbecue, but…’
‘I told you that weeks ago, wolfy, but you just ignored me,’ Little Red said, sighing.
‘These are tasty pies, Squirt,’ I said. ‘You don’t even miss the meat, they’re so full of flavour.’
He smiled. ‘Thanks, Lawrence.’
‘Wait a second –’ my mind was working overtime now – ‘have you ever tried selling these?’
He shook his head.
‘And have you ever tried using… what are those things called…
MUSHROOMS?’
Monday 1 May
Well – what a time to be alive! Summer is well and truly in the air today! The sun is warm, the sky is blue and – let me tell you – generally speaking, things are ON THE UP!
‘Good morning, Mister Bird!’ I said to my friend in the tree who
TWEET-
TWEET-
TWEETED
me out of my bed this morning, as usual. ‘And thank you for waking me. You’re right – I DO need an early start today.’
Aced my workout too. I am in fine form now, fit as a fiddle and ready for anything!
So once I’d filled my basket with the latest batch of mushrooms from outside my den, I set off for the clearing. When I got there, Wolfman and his crew were still half asleep, lazing around in the shade of the trees.
‘Oh great,’ muttered Wolfman, ‘Lawrence is here…’ And the others all sniggered, as usual.
‘Well, top of the morning to you too, Wolfman! Now, please –’ I held up my paw – ‘don’t get up! I’m afraid I can’t stop. Just came to drop off this shipment of wild organic mushrooms, and to collect the brains of the bunch… Let me tell you, this guy –’ I pointed a thumb in Squirt’s direction – ‘he may not be the biggest wolf in the pack, but he is huge in the skills department. His pies are going to be Big Bad Business too! You ready over there, Spice Dog?’
Spice Dog – the wolf previously known as Squirt – grinned as he took the mushrooms from me, then handed me a couple of baskets, each one stacked high with delicious-smelling cheese and mushroom pies…
‘Anyway, can’t stop… Catch you later, LOSERS!’
And with the pack staring slack-jawed after us, we strolled on out of there, heading for market.
I’ll admit, I was a little nervous when we got to the bridge and my old enemy the troll shuffled out in front of us.
‘BRIDGE TAX,’ he muttered.
But this time I was ready for him.
‘Good day to you, Mister Troll, Sir!’ I said. ‘Now, I don’t know about tax exactly, but might I interest you in one of these here TASTY AS ANYTHING pies, and don’t even think about reaching for that wallet, because we won’t accept a penny from you… This one’s gratis, by which I mean, on the house, free, your money is no good here, my trollish friend!’ And before he could say anything, I chucked a pie at him and we marched straight past.
We hadn’t made it far when he shouted, ‘Hey!’
Oh here we go… I thought, steeling myself for another dip in the river, but then through a mouthful of pie he cooed, ‘This is absolutely delicious! Are those mushrooms in there?’
Or words to that effect – it was hard to tell with his mouth full – but me and Spice Dog took it as a good sign, anyhow.
And indeed the day was a BIG success.
The three little pigs had used their connections at the market to get us one of the best stalls there, and Little Red had even made a banner for us.
‘Ta-da!’ she said when we arrived. ‘What do you think?’
The banner read:
Well, Spice Dog and I were speechless.
‘Thanks, Red,’ I said, at last. ‘It’s perfection.’
‘You’re welcome, wolfy,’ she said, reaching up to give me a little scratch behind the ear. ‘I’m proud of you.’
I have to admit – I do like a little scratch behind the ear. Who knew?
What’s more, I’m pleased to report that the new recipe mushroom pies were a HUGE hit. The stall was a complete sell-out and we had some seriously stiff competition. Rapunzel was selling some phenomenal herbal teas. The witch doctor was there, selling packets of gingerbread, and there was an enormous queue outside the golden egg stall. But we held our own, and even had a royal visit – Prince Charming himself stopped by! – and after he’d tried one of the pies, he ordered a whole shipment to the castle!
In no time at all, our baskets were empty and our pockets were full of cold, hard cash. I knew just what to spend it on…
‘Hello, my good man!’ I said, swinging by my favourite stall. ‘A string of your finest sausages, please!’
Well, come on, what do you expect? Nobody’s perfect. I’m still a wolf after all… And, boy, those sausages tasted good! The best I ever had. Responsibly farmed too. It said so on the label.
‘Spice Dog…’ I said, throwing my arm around my new wolfy pal as the sun went down and we made our way back over the bridge towards the woods. ‘How about we start our own pack?’
‘You got it, L-Man!’
I still had one pie left, and I broke it in two, handing him a chunk.
‘For the road!’
We both grinned and took a giant bite, savouring those juicy flavours. Then we threw back our heads and…
Meet Everyone in the Fairytale Woods
Lawrence
That’s me! The BIG BAD WOLF. Also, the smartest, fastest, most charming and handsome wolf in the Fairytale Woods.
Little Red
A little girl in a bright red cape who visits her Grandmother every Sunday. How sweet! NO! Don’t let her fool you… Little Red is rude, sneaky and ANNOYING.
TASTINESS LEVEL: OFF THE SCALE
The Three Little Pigs
There’s nothing more annoying than a giggling pig… except THREE giggling pigs! What do they have to be so happy about?
TASTINESS LEVEL: THREE FOR THE PRICE OF ONE
The Troll
The grumpiest creature in the Fairytale Woods. Takes his job as bridge tax collector waaay too seriously.
TASTINESS LEVEL: TOO CRANKY.
The Witch
A very scary old woman. Lives in a house made entirely of gingerbread – strange, but delicious.
TASTINESS LEVEL: TOO WARTY.
The Woodcutter
The only HELPFUL person in all of the Fairytale Woods, but also the most gullible. Makes a great soup.
TASTINESS LEVEL: TOO DOPEY.
Grandma
Old and sweet, but pretty speedy. Wears a size medium (like me).
TASTINESS LEVEL: MATURE.
WRITE YOUR OWN FAIRYTALE DIARY!
What do you think the people of the Fairytale Woods get up to when we’re not there? Maybe the Three Bears love to experiment with porridge flavours. Perhaps someone has hidden Prince Charming’s favourite jumper and there’s trouble brewing in the Fairytale Castle. We’ve heard that Sleeping Beauty is having trouble nodding off…
It’s over to you now. Tell us your favourite fairytale as a diary. Turn the page, share the adventure!
More from the Author
Adventures of a Christmas Elf
Once Upon a Legend
Secrets of a Christmas Elf
The Night We Got Stuck in a Story
Diary of a Christmas Elf
How I Became a Dog Called Midnight
About the Author
Author photo © Faye Thomas
BEN MILLER is the bestselling author of magical stories for all the family:
The Night I Met Father Christmas,
The Boy Who Made the World Disappear,
The Day I Fell Into a Fairytale,
How I Became a Dog Called Midnight,
The Night We Got Stuck in a Story,
Once Upon a Legend,
Diary of a Christmas Elf,
Secrets of a Christmas Elf,
Adventures of a Christmas Elf.
He is an actor, director and comedian, best-known for the Armstrong and Miller sketch show, the Johnny English and Paddington films, BBC’s Death in Paradise and Netflix smash, Bridgerton.
@actualbenmiller
www.SimonandSchuster.co.uk/Authors/Ben-Miller
More magical adventures from Ben Miller:
The Night I Met Father Christmas
The Boy Who Made the World Disappear
The Day I Fell into A Fairytale
How I Became a Dog Called Midnight
The Night We Got Stuck in a Story
Once Upon a Legend
The Elf Chronicles
Diary of a Christmas Elf
Secrets of a Christmas Elf
Adventures of a Christmas Elf
First published in Great Britain in 2024 by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd
Text copyright © Passion Projects Limited 2024
Illustrations copyright © Elisa Paganelli 2024
This book is copyright under the Berne Convention.
No reproduction without permission.
The right of Ben Miller and Elisa Paganelli to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
Simon & Schuster UK Ltd
1st Floor, 222 Gray’s Inn Road
London WC1X 8HB
Simon & Schuster: Celebrating 100 Years of Publishing in 2024
www.simonandschuster.co.uk
www.simonandschuster.com.au
www.simonandschuster.co.in
Simon & Schuster Australia, Sydney
Simon & Schuster India, New Delhi
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
HB ISBN 978-1-3985-3036-2
eBook ISBN 978-1-3985-3037-9
eAudio ISBN 978-1-3985-3038-6
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
Jacket illustration © 2024 Elisa Paganelli
Ben Miller, Untitled DBBW
