Knights Lady, page 8
NOW – LUCY
I PULL MY SHOES ON and grab my purse, then I look in the mirror.
I look good. Hot, really.
I’m going on my first date. I downloaded a few apps, chatted to a few men, and it didn’t take long for one to ask me out.
It’s for the best, and I must admit, getting ready for the date tonight really did help take my mind of things. Off Nicolai, mostly.
He’s invading my thoughts, consuming me, driving me around the bend. But I’ve held strong. I messaged him and told him I needed to get my shit together, to figure out what was best for me, and I’d leave him be.
He didn’t like that, of course.
It’s fine for him to ghost me, but I tell him I’m going off the radar and he loses his shit.
Okay, Nicolai doesn’t lose his shit exactly but he does let you know when something is not pleasing him.
This is certainly not pleasing him.
I didn’t dare tell him I was dating, that wouldn’t go down well at all.
But I have to do it. I have to collect myself. I have to be able to see this with a clear mind and to do that I need space.
I need to at least see what else is out there.
I step out my front door but come to a complete halt when I see Shania standing out the front of my place, having just gotten out of her car. She’s with Lincoln, of course she is, and they’re both walking up to my front door. They see me and stop. My heart thumps hard in my chest, and I have to take a minute to gather myself. I wasn’t expecting to see Shania for god knows how long, and here she is, and I’m not ready.
I don’t know what to say.
I take another deep breath and then walk down the front steps, purse clutched so tightly under my arm it is already hurting.
“Shania, Lincoln, I wasn’t expecting either of you ... not for a long time, to be honest,” I say, my voice full of emotion as I look at my sister.
I have so many things I want to say, but nothing comes out.
I’m not going to spill my soul to Shania, I swore I’d let her come to me, let her bring it up, let her take the lead. Even though right now all I want to do is hug her, tell her how sorry I am, and that I hate not talking to her, I don’t. I just stand there, studying them both.
“You look nice,” Lincoln says. “Goin’ on a date?”
“I am, actually,” I say. “Thanks.”
“Who with?” Shania asks.
It’s the first time I’ve heard her voice in a few weeks.
My heart aches.
I keep my shit together.
“A stranger,” I shrug. “I’m ... trying to date.”
I don’t want to tell her how much this is killing me, she won’t understand, and why should she?
She stares at me, and I can see a million things running through her mind, purely from the expression on her face, but she says none of them.
“Have you seen Nicolai?”
She comes straight out with it. Shania was never scared to speak her mind.
I owe her honesty.
“Yes, I saw him the other night when I was out with Erin and Damon. We had a brief conversation. That was it.”
I’m not going to tell her we had sex. Hell no.
She looks like she wants to know more, but she doesn’t ask. “That’s it?”
“Yes, Shania, that’s it.”
My voice surprises me. It has taken on a rather agitated edge, an edge I didn’t think I’d have when it came to my sister. She seems surprised, too, because she looks a little hurt.
“Are you going to keep seeing him?” she asks me, her voice a little kinder now, a little less confronting.
“I’m trying not to. I’m dating. I’m not speaking to him. Believe it or not, I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant to feel the way I felt about him. I didn’t see it coming and it hit me like a hurricane. Even still, you’re so important to me that I’m trying to push it all aside. But it hurts, don’t doubt for a second that I’m in pain right now. But I’m doing it. For you. Because you matter to me. Now, I’m going to have to leave, because I’ll be late for my date.”
Shania exhales, and her shoulders slump a little. “This is hurting me, too.”
“I’m aware of that,” I tell her. “But I can’t take it back. I can tell you how sorry I am. I can do my best to get past this. But I can’t take it back.”
She nods, understanding, which is kind of a relief. “Do you love him?”
Her question shocks me, because it wasn’t something I’d considered. I mean, we have something, obviously, or it wouldn’t hurt like this, but what that is, I don’t know.
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “I’m hurting. But I don’t really understand why. I’ve not been in love. I don’t even know if we’ve spent enough time together for it to be love, or if I’m feeling this way because of the fact that we’re not supposed to see each other, so it was thrilling. I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Again, my tone shocks me, because I can’t seem to understand why I’m suddenly feeling resentment toward Shania. It’s like deep down, I’m angry, and I’m covering it with my guilt. These feelings are rather confusing, and I really just need to get away from them.
“You’re angry,” Shania says, her eyes locked on mine.
I exhale. “I don’t know what I am. I really have to go because I’ll be late for this date.”
“Be careful on a date with a stranger,” Lincoln says. “Do you know anything about him?”
I shake my head. “No, but I’ll be fine.”
“He’s right,” Shania says, “be careful.”
I say nothing.
“We came to invite you to Tommy’s birthday party on the weekend,” Lincoln says, taking the lead and telling me what they came here for, though I know damn well it was for more than that, because they could have just texted. “Obviously Nicolai will be there, so it’s understandable if you don’t want to be, but you’re his aunty, and we don’t want him missing out on you.”
Well, hasn’t Lincoln taken on the step-daddy role nicely?
“I’ll see how I go. Of course I want to be there for Tommy, but I’m not certain you—“ I look to Shania “—Nicolai and I should all be in the same room right now. If I can’t make it, I’ll bring a present for Tommy, if that’s okay with you, on another day.”
Shania nods. “We’ll leave it up to you.”
“Okay, well, I’m leaving now.”
I walk past them, feeling a strange mix of emotions that, quite frankly, are confusing me. I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to hug my sister, and I want to slap her face.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Seriously?
MY DATE IS NICE.
He’s handsome, he’s friendly enough, and the conversation has been easy to have.
But I’m not into it.
I’m trying to be, I really am, and usually a man with his looks and seemingly easy personality would have me grinning from ear to ear, but this man, I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Nothing. Nothing but a horrible ache in my gut. I miss Nicolai. The very thought of that makes me want to scream, and cry, and curse everything.
I hate that I miss him.
I hate all these stupid feelings in my chest.
I wish it would all go away, to be honest.
My date, Cooper, is seemingly oblivious to it all. We had dinner, some drinks, and he spent most of the time happily chatting to me. That was fine, it meant I didn’t have to chat much. My mind was elsewhere and, honestly, I can’t really recall anything he said that stood out. That’s how distracted I am.
After the date, he walks me to my car, which is parked around the back of the building. It’s rather late now, around ten thirty, and I just want to go home and sleep. To forget everything for just a small amount of time.
Cooper is still chatting when we stop at the car, and he turns to me, a little too close for my liking but I think nothing of it.
“Did you enjoy tonight?” he asks me.
I look up at him. He’s tall, well over six feet, and has sandy brown hair, dazzling brown eyes, and nice skin. He’s handsome, more in the clean cut kind of way, but no doubt handsome.
“I did,” I lie. “Thanks for taking me out.”
“I’d like to see you again ...”
Dang it.
“Sure, yeah,” I force myself to say, even though I honestly don’t feel it.
He must realize that, because he frowns and says, “I don’t feel like you mean that at all.”
I exhale. No point in lying to the poor guy. “Look, I’m trying to get over someone. I thought dating would help, and it isn’t. I’m sorry to have waste your time but—”
“So you’re using me as some sort of rebound?” he snaps, shocking me.
“What? No ...”
“What is with you women?” he mutters. “You all run around complaining that men are dogs, but really, you are all worse than us. You’re using, bitchy, and cruel.”
Oh, boy. Cooper has a temper. Good to know.
“Look, I’m sorry if that’s how you see it. I honestly am trying to move on, and you’ve been wonderful, this is nothing against you ...”
I’m trying to remain calm.
Trying so hard.
“I could have gone out with anyone, I chose you. You’ve not been interested in a thing I’ve said, or done. I’m done being nice to women like you. No, women like you are only good for one thing ...”
He reaches around quickly, grabbing me by the ass and hauling me up against him. Shocked, it takes me a few minutes to shove at him. Panic grips my chest as I realize out here we’re completely alone and he could do anything. I’m not a big woman, and in no way strong enough to fight him off if he didn’t want me to.
“Let me go immediately,” I say, my voice firm, like a whip.
He squeezes my ass again and when his hand moves around to the front, I raise my knee and hit him in the balls. Oldest trick in the book, but guaranteed to work. Bellowing, he topples backward and roars in pain. I don’t look back. I pull out my keys, get into my car, and get the hell out of there.
What a jerk.
It just goes to show that some men, no matter how nice they act, are dogs deep down inside.
And he actually had the nerve to give me a lecture.
Pig.
Once I’m out on the road, the emotions hit hard.
He could have hurt me, or worse.
The thought has my mind reeling and, mixed with all the other emotions, I find myself unable to gain control.
I don’t want to go home.
I don’t want to stay here.
I don’t know what to do.
When I pull up out the front of Nicolai’s club, I know I should turn around. I know I should. But my chest, it hurts so bad, the ache almost bringing me to my knees. I want to talk to him, properly. I want to know, to understand, why the hell this feels so intense. I just ... I just need to see him.
I find a park and get out, trying to keep it together, but I’m shaken up, I’m hurting, and I’m not really sure what the hell I’m doing.
I wait in the line and get into the club. I don’t even know if he’s here. I think he is, because I’m sure he said this was a night he worked, but he could be upstairs, and I’ll never get in upstairs. Not into the strip club. Not alone. I walk through the crowd of people and can’t see him, so I go to the bar and ask for him.
“Is Nicolai here tonight?” I ask the bartender.
“Yeah, he is. He’s upstairs. Are you a friend of his?”
“Yeah,” I croak, hating how weak I sound. “My name is Lucy.”
The bartender raises his brows. “Oh, Lucy. I’ll call him and tell him you’re here.”
Obviously he knows about me.
That makes me feel a little warm inside.
I wait as he calls Nicolai and stare out at the people, almost in a complete daze. I’m keeping my shit together, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that for. I’m not embarrassed anymore, I’m not going to fight my emotions. Today, today has just been hard. Seeing Shania, the strange feelings that raised in me, and then that terrible fucking date, it shook me up, and I need to see the one person my heart craves right now.
He might not be right for me, but I know what I want in this moment and, in this moment, I want Nicolai.
To hell with the rest of it.
“Lucy.”
My voice comes out smooth and velvety from his lips.
My heart expands.
My lungs fill with air.
I turn around and see him standing behind me, looking impeccable as always, making my heart do little pitter patters as I take him in. This reaction, I’ve never felt anything like it, not with a man. I’ve never felt the strange feeling of being so drawn to someone, they’re like a damned magnet and you a little ball. No matter how hard you try to pull away, their strength is so much more, and they pull you in.
Every time.
“Are you okay?” Nicolai asks, his eyes scanning my face.
“No,” I say.
And that’s all I need to say.
Hell, it’s all I can say.
Because then I start crying.
And I can’t stop.
8
NOW – LUCY
NICOLAI LEADS ME THROUGH the crowd and into his office.
I hardly notice anything.
The only thing I can pay attention to, or even try to focus on, is his hand curled around mine, the way his fingers enclose mine, almost protectively, like nothing in the world can ever touch them.
I focus on that.
The moment we’re in his office, away from the noise and the intensity, I turn to him. He’s looking at me, concern etched in his features. He looks as though he has a million things he wants to say, or ask, but instead, he says, “What’s happened?”
I tell him.
I tell him Shania came by and how I felt about that.
I tell him I went on a date to try and get over him.
I tell him what that date tried to do.
Then, between sniffles and sobs, I look over to him, tears running down my cheeks.
He’s staring at me, his face at this current point expressionless. He isn’t showing me a single emotion, he’s keeping it together exceptionally well. He takes a deep breath in and slowly exhales. “Firstly,” he says, his voice gruff, “I’m trying to look past the last thing you told me, and my anger is white hot right now, so I’m going to focus on you for a second, then we’re going to get back to that piece of shit and how I’m going to deal with him.”
Oh.
Boy.
Nicolai moves closer to me, kneeling in front of me and taking my face in his hands. When he’s like this, so warm and giving, my heart explodes. It’s like he’s put the gruff, determined, professional man aside and is giving me what he reserves only for special people, like Tommy. I can see the warmth in his eyes, I can see that he cares. For the first time, I can truly see it, and it only makes things harder.
Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if he was just using me, because then maybe I could justify walking away and forgetting about him. When he’s looking at me the way he’s looking at me right now, it makes it very hard to do that.
“Why are you crying, Lucy?” he asks me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “The Lucy I know is strong, determined, and she doesn’t cry. It concerns me to see you like this.”
“I’m just tired,” I tell him. “Tired of the way all of this feels. Tired of Shania being angry at me. Tired of trying to get my life back on track. Tired of trying to do what everyone else wants me to do. Mostly, though, I’m tired of trying to stay away from you.”
He curls his hand around behind my neck, and pulls me forward, “Then don’t stay away from me.”
“She’s my sister, Nicolai,” I whisper. “I love her. I don’t want to lose her.”
“If she loves you, Lucy, she’ll get over it eventually. I understand her hurt, I understand it and accept it, but her and I are not a thing, we’ve never been a thing, and while our past is ugly, it is just that ... past. It’s finished. I’m free. You’re free. There is no reason for us to feel any sort of guilt.”
He’s right, I hate to admit it but he’s right.
I understand Shania’s pain.
I truly respect it.
But I also have to think about how it all feels for me, too.
Not every single part of this is about her.
“I’m scared of losing her ...” I admit, biting my lip.
He swipes a lone tear that breaks free and slides down my cheek. “If I know Shania, which I think I do, you won’t lose her. She’s angry. She’s hurt. She will get over it. I promise you she will.”
I hope he’s right.
I really do.
Because staying away from him, it’s almost impossible.
“What exactly are we doing here, Nicolai? It makes no sense to me. Tell me what you want, I need to be clear.”
He moves slowly, reaching down and pulling me into his arms, then he stands and walks over to the sofa, sitting and positioning me so I’m straddling him. My fingers go to the nape of his neck and play with the thick, dark hair curling there, and I hold his eyes, listening as he speaks.
“I’m sure you remember enough about me to know that I’m not the easiest man to love, even like, for that matter. I’ve not been the kindest to women, I’ve used them, and I’ve done the wrong thing by them, Shania included. I’m not that man anymore. When I started to talk to you again, something felt different. I wanted to know more about you, I was curious, you intrigued me. The more time we spent together, the more I realized you were the first woman to ever capture me like that, and I wasn’t about to give it up.”
My heart aches, and I smile at him. “What changed you then, from the womanizer to this man in front of me right now?”
“Tommy changed me.”
Damn.
My heart explodes.
It feels like it’s going to launch out of my chest.
Those words, so beautiful, so perfect, so real.
“He opened something up for me. He melted the ice, so to speak. I didn’t honestly know it was possible to love something so much, until I had my son.”
