Ryan's Return, page 40
"Kara, help me with the boat," Ryan shouted as he backed the truck up to the edge of the river and let the rowboat slide down toward the water.
Kara held on to the boat as Ryan released it, then pulled the truck away. The water was up to their knees and rising fast, a raging torrent, impossible to fight. And their boat was small. It wouldn't hold more than two people. Only one of them could go.
Kara looked at Ryan's white face as he stared at the river in fatal fascination. He was terrified. She knew that as well as she knew her own name.
"I'll go," she said.
Ryan caught her arm. "You can't. You aren't strong enough to handle the current."
He was probably right. The river was an angry monster. Ryan's monster. The stuff his nightmares were made of.
"Ryan, are you sure?"
"I'll do it," he said grimly. "I'll save Angel. I promise you that. There's no way I'm going to let this river take my family away."
Ryan got into the boat, stuck his oars in the water, and pushed off. Kara watched him go with fear pounding against her chest. She took a breath every time he took a stroke, willing him to get to the tree, not to be swept downstream. Fortunately part of the tree's branches were in the water, providing a barricade that helped Ryan stay the course.
The trip seemed to take Ryan a lifetime. With each second that passed, Kara's love for him grew beyond all bounds, beyond all of her defenses. She loved this man. More than she had ever thought possible.
He was risking his life not just for his father but also for her daughter, a little girl he had known only a week. Ryan had told her he wasn't a hero, but she knew that he was. And more than just a hero, he was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
"Please God, let him be okay," she whispered. "Let Angel be okay. And Jonas, too. Jonas and Ryan are just learning how to be father and son. Don't take them now. Please." The litany of prayers went around and around in her head.
Finally Ryan reached the tree, stopping the boat by grabbing hold of one of the branches. Kara held her breath, watching and waiting. The boat could slip at any moment. They could all be lost. She had thought losing her home would be a horror beyond words, but losing the three of them seemed unimaginable.
Ryan held on to the branch, feeling the pressure of the water thrusting the boat forward. His muscles burned with the strain, but he would not let go. He would not let the river defeat him.
"Get in," Ryan shouted.
"You did it," Jonas said with amazement and pride. "I didn't think you had it in you. I'm proud of you, son." He looked up at Angel. "Put your feet on my shoulders and climb down. Now. There's no time to lose."
"But I don't want you to fall," Angel argued.
"I won't fall," Jonas said.
Angel slowly loosened her grip on one branch so she could take hold of another. She placed her tennis shoe on Jonas's shoulder and let him take her weight.
Ryan grabbed her arm with one hand, holding the boat steady with the other as she climbed in.
"Go on now," Jonas shouted. "Get her to shore."
"Not without you," Ryan said.
"The boat won't hold all of us."
He knew his father was right. "I'll come back for you."
"Don't come back. It's too late."
"What are you talking about?" Ryan cried.
Jonas held out the necklace in his hand, rain and tears drenching his face. "She was here all the time. Isabelle. She never left."
"What?"
"Your mother never left, Ryan. She got caught in the flood on her way back to us." Tears streamed down his face. "She drowned. All this time, she was here. If I had only looked up to the sky, to the top of the tree, I would have seen her necklace. I would have known the truth, but I always looked down."
Ryan didn't know what to say. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. But the roar of the water and the wind made discussion impossible. "We'll talk about it later."
"Ryan." Jonas looked at him for a long, heartbreaking moment. "I love you. Whatever happens, I want you to know that I love you."
Finally the words came from his father's mouth. They sounded like a good-bye.
"Tell Andrew I love him, too."
"You can tell him yourself."
"There's no time." Jonas put a hand to his heart. "I can't fight anymore, Ryan. Don't be sorry. No more wasted years. No more guilt." He looked toward the sky and smiled, his eyes suddenly filled with new light.
"I'm coming," he whispered before turning to Ryan. "Go on now."
Ryan hesitated, then steadied the boat and pushed off, rowing with all the strength he could find. When he got to the shore, Kara was up to her thighs in the water. She grabbed Angel, holding her close as if she would never let her go.
Ryan turned the boat around, intent on rescuing his father, but before he could put his oar in the water, his father let go of the branch. It didn't break. It didn't snap in two. His father just let go and slipped into the water.
"No!" Ryan screamed. "No!" He moved the oars with demon speed, racing after his father's fisherman's hat, which sailed down the water like a toy boat. When he finally reached the hat, he scooped it out of the water, but there was nothing else there. His father was gone.
"Dad. Dad." His voice broke as the horror of what had happened struck home. Ryan searched the water with his eyes, desperate for some trace of his father, but he knew it was too late.
His father was gone, buried in the river that he loved. Ryan closed his eyes and stopped rowing, letting the river carry him away, letting the rain mingle with his tears.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Kara watched Ryan disappear from view with a sense of horror. "Ryan!" she yelled. Her arms tightened around Angel until her daughter whimpered in pain.
The river couldn't take Ryan. He couldn't end up in the water, in the belly of the monster. God couldn't be so cruel.
Kara ran downstream, scrambling over rocks and through bushes, but the river moved too fast, veering away from her in a path she couldn't follow. She had to get to Ryan. She had to save him as he had saved her daughter.
But she couldn't reach him. She couldn't even see him anymore. Her heart ripped in two as her imagination took her down a path she didn't want to go. What if the boat tipped over? What if the water threw him against the jagged rocks? What if he became so paralyzed with fear that he couldn't swim?
She couldn't lose him. Not now -- not after realizing how much she loved him.
Finally she had to stop running. There was no more air in her chest, and no more room to run. She sank down on the ground and began to cry.
Angel's arms came around her shoulders, and Kara buried her face in her daughter's hair as they clung together.
"I'm sorry, Mom," Angel said tearfully. "I thought the lady would protect us, but she let Mr. Hunter fall.... I shouldn't have told him about her. I shouldn't have told anyone."
"Hush." Angel put her finger against Angel's lips. "You're not to blame."
"I thought there was time. The water wasn't that high when I climbed the tree. I thought I could get the locket and get down."
"I know." Kara tucked her daughter's hair behind one ear.
Angel took a deep breath. "I know you won't believe me, but the ghost was Ryan's mother. She told Mr. Hunter she loved him. He said he loved her, too."
Kara stared at her daughter, trying to make sense of her words. "Are you saying that Mr. Hunter saw the ghost?"
Angel nodded. "Yes."
"And then he let go," Kara said, more to herself than Angel. But there was no such thing as a ghost. She certainly hadn't seen anyone. But just before Jonas let go, he had lifted his hand toward the sky as if to grab on to someone.
No, that was nonsense. Or was it?
"Come on," Kara said decisively. "We have to find Ryan. We have to catch up with him."
"Do you think he's okay? Do you think he -- "
"Don't say it. Don't even think it."
Angel squeezed her hand. "I don't want Ryan to go away. It will be my fault if he does, just like when Dad left."
Kara immediately shook her head. "That wasn't your fault."
"I saw him with that woman in your bedroom," Angel said. "If I hadn't gone in there, he wouldn't have gotten mad and he wouldn't have left."
Kara stared at her daughter in shock, wondering how many more surprises were in store for her. "You saw him? Why didn't you tell me?"
"He told me not to tell you."
"Oh, Angel." Kara gathered her daughter close to her heart. No wonder Angel wanted to live in a fantasy world. But now that it was out in the open, maybe they could both heal. "We'll talk about this later, okay? A long, long talk. No more secrets between us, right?"
"All right."
"And Angel, if Ryan leaves, it won't be because of you."
"I just hope he's okay."
"So do I."
Kara and Angel headed back to the truck and drove south, trying to keep the river in view, but many of the roads were underwater and Kara found herself driving through backyards, next to abandoned houses and businesses.
They finally caught up with Ryan nearly an hour later. He had pulled the boat off to the side and was sitting on the ground, his face buried in his arms.
Kara put a hand on his neck. He jumped at her touch, his eyes wild with pain and fear. She pulled him into her arms, and he held on to her as if he could take her strength and make it his.
"He's gone," Ryan said, lifting his head so she could see his face. His eyes were red, his skin pale, and his eyes glittered with the pain of watching his father die. "I couldn't find him. I tried. I couldn't catch up. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't fast enough."
"You did everything you could."
Ryan looked into her eyes with deep intensity. "He let go, dammit. He let go."
"Yes," she said softly. "I saw him let go."
"Why? Why?"
There were no answers to his questions, at least none that she could supply. So Kara just held him.
"He finally said he loved me." Ryan's voice caught; his eyes filled with anguish. "But I didn't get a chance to tell him I loved him, too."
"He knew it," Kara said.
"How could he know? We fought just last night."
"He saw you coming back for him, Ryan. He saw you brave the river for him. If that isn't love, what is?"
"But I never said the words, Kara. I waited too long."
"Hush." She tightened her arms around his body, wanting to take his pain away.
"I'm sorry, Ryan." Angel's words came between them like the wind.
Ryan opened his arms and brought Angel into their warm circle. "It's not your fault."
"I didn't mean for him to fall, Ryan, honest. He said he wouldn't fall."
"I know, Angel, I heard him, too. For some reason he let go. He let the river take him," Ryan said.
"I think he wanted to be with your mom," Angel said.
Kara watched Ryan's face as he listened to Angel. He wanted to believe as much as she did that there had been some purpose to it all, but how could they believe in something they couldn't see?
Ryan turned to her. "Jonas told me my mother never left, that she drowned in the river during the last flood -- on her way back to us."
"That's what the lady told him," Angel said. "He looked so happy when he saw her. I never saw him smile before, but he smiled tonight."
"Oh, God, Angel, I don't care if you're telling me another story, tell me more," Ryan said, hugging her tight.
"It's not a story. Didn't you see the locket?"
Ryan's eyes suddenly lit with excitement. "I did see the locket, Kara. It was in Jonas's hand. Maybe Angel is right. Maybe there really is a ghost."
They turned their heads toward the water in unison. There was nothing there.
"When the lady asked him for the locket, he wouldn't give it to her," Angel said quietly. "I think he took it to her."
"I think you're right," Ryan agreed.
"We'll keep looking," Kara said. "Maybe Jonas somehow got to shore."
"I already alerted Dirk and the others. But I don't hold out much hope."
"I'm sorry, Ryan."
"I think I'd like to go home now."
"Back to L.A.?" Kara asked, holding her breath. "Or back to Aunt Josephine's house?"
Ryan looked into Kara's beautiful blue eyes and suddenly understood a lot of things. Jonas had told him to find his own family. As he put one arm around Kara and the other around Angel, he had a feeling he had done just that.
* * *
Andrew arrived at Josephine's house just before five that evening. When Ryan saw him, he felt a sudden attack of nerves and another rush of guilt.
"You heard?" Ryan asked, knowing by the set of Andrew's face that he had.
"Dirk told me," Andrew said, uttering the words through tight lips. "I couldn't believe it."
"I tried to find you."
"I was at the hospital in Sonoma. Loretta had her baby last night. I just got back an hour ago." Andrew paced around Josephine's tiny living room. "Goddammit, Ryan. Why didn't you save him? You were always the fastest, the strongest, the best. You always landed on your feet. You always won. Why couldn't you win this time? Why?"
Andrew's words ripped apart Ryan's heart. He had asked himself the same questions over and over and over again. Why couldn't he have saved his father? Because his father didn't want to be saved. Deep down in his heart, Ryan found the ultimate truth.
"Jonas let go." Ryan met his brother's eyes and saw the anguish there, the disbelief, the denial.
"You're just saying that so it won't be your fault."
"He said good-bye, Andrew. He said to tell you he loved you."
Andrew's face turned white. He put his hand to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them, there were tears gathering at the corners. "He never said that. Not once in all the time we were growing up."
"He said it tonight."
"God, I wish I could have heard it," Andrew said with desperate longing. "I wish I could have been there with you. I wish I could have told him how I felt."
"He knew, Andrew. You gave him your whole life. He knew that."
"But it wasn't enough. Never enough."
Ryan's heart broke at the sorrow in his brother's voice. How perfectly it matched his own pain. But then, they were brothers. Ryan took a deep breath, knowing he had to tell Andrew the rest of it, no matter how crazy it sounded. It was the only thing they had left.
