Sakura Park, page 1
SAKURA PARK
BAILEY RAE
Copyright © 2023 by Bailey Rae
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
ISBN: 978-0-6452021-9-9
For everyone scared to fall in love.
Contents
Summer
Fall
Winter
Spring
Summer
Summer
One Year Later
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Bailey Rae
Adrian doesn’t know much, but he knows this: love causes nothing but pain and unhappiness to anyone who experiences it. Adrian doesn’t think he can be held responsible for any gagging noises he might make as he watches his friends walk ahead of him, hand in hand.
They’re walking along the paved path of Sakura Park. The sky is a clear blue, and the sun is hot against Adrian’s skin. Despite the near-perfect weather, the park is calm.
Around them, people are splayed on picnic blankets, a woman is sitting at the foot of a tree reading Jane Eyre and locals are walking their dogs. The dogs are Maggie’s favorite part, and the reason they ever found Sakura Park. Maggie had wanted a dog of her own, something to care for, but her shoebox apartment didn’t allow it. She settled for house plants and a compromise–dog parks. After six weekends of tourist-filled park after tourist-filled park, they arrived at this one.
He, Lucas and Maggie have come to this park almost every weekend of every summer for the past three years. It felt like a hidden gem, that first time. They know better now, after coming across the park on more than one ‘Must See New York Parks’ list. Despite that, the park has remained relatively free from tourists. It’s a world all of their own, a place that belongs only to Adrian and those he loves. A place where the sky is always blue, and the grass is green and mowed down to the inch. Hurt and heartbreak don’t exist here.
Adrian thought that might remain true even after Lucas and Maggie told him about their relationship. He told them he was happy for them, but that wasn’t exactly true. Adrian knows he shouldn’t be mad. He knows he has no right to feel bitter about their happiness, but he does it anyway. He says he can’t control how he feels, but that’s not exactly true either. Adrian will be the first to admit—though not to anyone but himself—that he hasn’t been the most tolerant of their relationship. Or any relationship, really.
He thinks that maybe a part of it is jealousy. Adrian has never had anyone like that. He did have Lucas and Maggie, but now they have each other. Where does that leave him? It used to be the three of them, always, and now he’s the friend that has to walk in the back when the pavement is too narrow because they’re up ahead, holding hands and making moon eyes at each other.
Adrian has never had a relationship. He dated a bit in high school, fooled around in college, but he’s never had a partner, someone to hold in winter or kiss at New Year’s. No one who has ever mattered the next day.
Adrian doesn’t want to spend his life alone. He wants someone to come home to, someone to share secrets with, someone to help ease the burden of his wounded mind and broken heart. He wants what Lucas and Maggie have, what his brother, Ben, has with Conrad, had with Sarah.
And maybe, Adrian thinks, that’s the other reason he rolls his eyes when he sees the way Maggie smiles up at Lucas, all bright and lovesick. Maybe, he reasons, it’s not just jealousy. Maybe it’s fear too, for his friends and the love that they share. Fear for the way it will destroy them all when it ends. Adrian has seen the destruction left in the wake of a love lost, and he’s seen how quickly that loss can happen.
He remembers how heartbroken Ben was when Sarah died. But Ben has Conrad now, who is so kind and sweet to him, who helped him through his grief after losing Sarah, who never pushed and was always patient as Ben needed him to be. Conrad, who has been in love with Ben since they were kids. Conrad, who Adrian watched as he loved someone who didn’t love him back, not in the way he wanted, for a long time.
Still, despite all the fear and the uncertainty and the heartache Adrian had seen, he wants to love and to feel loved in return. And for a moment, he does.
Adrian catches the gaze of a boy a few yards away, sitting in the central gazebo with a fluffy white dog on his lap. He shakes rich brown hair out of his eyes, then he smiles and Adrian swears it’s love. It’s not, but it could be. Adrian could very easily fall in love with that smile.
But that’s a dangerous thought. It’s not love and it can’t be love, it won’t ever be, because Adrian doesn’t know this boy and Adrian doesn’t ever want to fall in love. And even if some part of him did, his mind would never risk his heart—no matter how much his heart screamed to speak for itself.
Adrian looks ahead of him again, but Lucas and Maggie are oblivious to Adrian’s silent crisis. Or his existence. They’re already in their own world. Lucas has his arms around Maggie’s waist and she’s standing on her toes to kiss him, her fingers twirling locks of sandy blond hair at the nape of his neck.
Heat pools in his cheeks and the pit of his stomach. Whatever envy he had managed to bury is crawling its way back up and out of the grave, clawing at his insides and climbing his throat. Adrian clenches his jaw, swallows the envy back down before it can escape.
They wouldn’t notice if he was gone. The realization fills him with a new kind of fire. The kind that sends him marching across the too-green grass and over to the pretty brunette with the fluffy white dog. His cheeks are warm and his palms are starting to sweat and he looks at his feet the entire time, afraid that if he looks too soon he’ll chicken out.
He doesn’t want to chicken out.
When he sees a pair of Converse meet his Nikes, he stops walking. When he does look up, Adrian is met with the most brilliant smile he’s ever seen. Up close, the boy’s moss green eyes sparkle like his irises are speckled with stars. It has Adrian’s heart doing somersaults.
“Hi,” the boy says, his voice much deeper than Adrian was expecting. It sends a shiver down his spine.
“Hey,” Adrian says back, and his words crack like tired bones that haven’t been stretched in days. He thinks that’s just his nerves.
The boy smiles again, and he pets the fluffy dog but his gaze doesn’t eave Adrian’s. There’s a secret in his smile, and Adrian doesn’t yet know what it is, but he knows he likes it.
“I’m Adrian,” he holds his hand out like an idiot. Like this is some business meeting and not a bad attempt at hitting on a guy. He’s done this before. He has game, he knows he does, but this guy seems to have stolen his rulebook and is writing notes in the margins.
The boy looks down at Adrian’s raised hand and cocks a brow. He’s amused, which isn’t exactly the vibe Adrian was going for and he’s about to shove his hands so deep into his pockets when the boy reaches up and shakes it. His skin is soft, and his grip is firm and Adrian is pleased to know his palms are a little sweaty too.
“Noah,” he tells him, then nods at the dog. “This is Biscuit. Don’t let those big eyes fool you; she’s a menace.”
For the first time, Adrian looks down at the dog. She’s small and white and covered in short, curly fur. She looks just like the dog Sarah had wanted when she and Ben finally got their own place.
The thought of Ben and Sarah and their doomed love makes Adrian want to leave, run for the hills and prevent the heartbreak he’s so sure is coming. But then he looks at Noah again, and there’s sunlight shining on that brown hair like a halo and Adrian knows he’ll stay.
Noah throws a ball and Biscuit jumps off the bench to chase after it. A soft, sweaty palm taps the empty spot on the bench that Biscuit left.
“Sit,” Noah says, “I don’t bite.”
Adrian notices the way the corner of Noah’s mouth twitches up into an almost-smirk. He sees sharp, pearly white canines peek out from under his plump lips, and another thing Adrian knows is that he wouldn’t mind if Noah did bite.
He sits anyway, purposefully close. So close his thigh brushes against Noah’s. The warmth of him shoots through Adrian’s entire body and in an instant, Adrian can tell that Noah is going to ruin him.
Again, he wants to run.
Again, he stays.
Adrian is silently grateful when Noah speaks. He’s not a very chatty person as it is, but right now speaking feels more difficult than usual.
“So, what are you doing at a dog park without a dog?”
It’s not a very interesting conversation starter, but Adrian sees it for what it is: an excuse to keep talking, another reason for Adrian to stay.
Biscuit runs up and drops the ball at Adrian’s feet. He smiles down at the dog, scratches the top of her head and throws the ball across the park. If Adrian was looking at Noah at that moment, he would’ve seen a look so soft it might’ve sent him into cardiac arrest.
“I’m just here with my friends,” Adrian leans back to get comfortable, and then twists uncomfortably to face Noah. “They like to come here to look at the dogs.”
“You come to look at the dogs too?”
Adrian shrugs. “I wasn’t doing anything else, so they dragged me out. Happens like that a lot.”
“Really?” Noah ducks his head and lowers his voice like he doesn’t actually want Adrian to hear what he has to say. ”I figured a guy who looks like you would have quite the so cial life.”
Adrian smiles at the words. He smiles more at the shades of pink dusting Noah’s cheeks.
He likes this—seeing the way Noah responds to him. Seeing that he’s not alone in this unprecedented attraction. Shyness lumps in his throat.
“What does a guy like me look like?”
“Like you have girls lining up at your door,” Noah answers easily, finally lifting his face to look at Adrian again.
Adrian looks him dead in the eye. “It’s not girls I want lining my door.”
Something passes between them. A moment. A beat. A silence. Adrian hopes Noah understands what he’s trying to say, the unspoken message he wants him to know but would never be so forward to admit.
But it seems he does get it and his mouth twitches up into a half-smile that is enough to fuel Adrian’s fantasies for a week.
Adrian wants to kiss him.
Really, really wants to kiss him.
He’s leaning forward before he realizes it, and he can tell Noah is inching closer too and their lips are about to touch, and Adrian thinks there should be orchestral music swelling in the background, because it all feels a bit like a fairytale. But then Biscuit is jumping on Noah’s lap and he’s fumbling on the bench trying to find his balance. The moment passes.
They share sheepish smiles, both too embarrassed to say anything, or to try again. Adrian’s heart is racing, and Noah looks so unaffected, but Adrian’s hoping his heart is racing too. He hopes Noah’s blood is running hot and he wants to try again. Adrian’s hoping he’s not alone in this. He can’t be alone in this.
Noah opens his mouth to say something, and Adrian prays to anyone who will listen that he’s going to ask to try and kiss him again. But Adrian doesn’t get to hear what Noah has to say because Maggie is calling out his name.
“Adrian!”
Maggie is rushing toward him, Lucas is trailing behind, their hands are still connected as if they’re one being and not separate people.
“We almost thought we lost you!” Lucas calls out, a lazy grin on his face. He’s teasing, and Adrian clenches his fists at his sides. They did lose him. He left and they didn’t notice. They were too busy being one person and not separate people. Too busy being a couple and not his friends.
Jealousy rears its ugly head again, tears his heart in two and rattles the cage of bone it’s trapped behind.
“Yeah, sorry,” Adrian says, because that’s what you say in these situations—not because he means it. He’s not sorry, can’t be when Noah is looking at him like that. Adrian runs a hand through his black hair, pushes it out of his eyes and thoroughly dishevels it, just for something to do. “This is Noah.”
Noah finally looks away from Adrian and offers a wave to his friends.
Maggie looks between them, and a knowing smile grows on his face. She raises an eyebrow in his direction as if to say I’ll be hearing about this later, got it?
“We got caught up talking,” Adrian tells her, ignoring her silent demand. “Besides, I know when I’m a third wheel.”
“You weren’t third-wheeling!” Lucas argues, but even Maggie rolls her eyes at this. Lucas squirms. “Well, it wasn’t on purpose.”
“I know, Luke. It’s fine,” Adrian smiles, and this time he does mean it. “It’s getting late anyway. I’m sure Noah has things to do, and Biscuit is probably getting tired. We should get back too, I don’t want Ben to worry.”
Something like worry flashes across Noah’s face, but it’s gone before Adrian can read too much into it. He wants to read into it though. He wants to study every expression on Noah’s face, learn what makes his eyes shine and the way his mouth moves. Adrian thinks he could watch Noah all day and never get bored, thinks he could write sonnets about his smile.
“Yeah, that’s why we came to get you,” Lucas says. Adrian had forgotten he was even there. When he looks at Noah, it’s easy to think he’s the only other soul around. “We didn’t mean to interrupt your, uh, chat.”
Maggie flicks Lucas’ ear when she sees the way he’s smirking at Adrian, taunting him. They know how much loss Adrian has been through, know how hard it is for him to open up. Maggie knows it’s nothing, yet, but it’s a start and she will be damned if she lets Lucas ruin this possibility for him.
Lucas hisses and his face falls flat. Adrian wishes the Gods would grant him a small mercy, open up the ground beneath him and swallow him whole. He thinks that would be more enjoyable than letting Noah see his friends acting like this.
“You two can go on ahead,” he tells them, shooting them each a pointed look that says firmly: go away. “I’ll catch up in a minute.”
Lucas mutters something under his breath too quiet for Adrian to hear and Maggie drags him away, telling them, “It was nice to meet you, Noah.”
Silence lingers once they’re gone. Adrian wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. He wants to ask to see Noah again, he wants to know if he can kiss him, but the words don’t come out. Noah throws Biscuit’s ball again and they watch as she bounds after it.
“So,” Noah doesn’t look at Adrian. It kind of breaks his heart, but Adrian thinks he might not mind having his heart broken by Noah. “You have to go, I suppose.”
“Yeah.”
Noah may not be looking at him, but Adrian doesn’t tear his eyes away. He’s starting to think he can’t, that it’s physically impossible for him to look away, that there’s something otherworldly about him, some kind of mystical magnetism that has Adrian hypnotized. That’s the only explanation Adrian has for why he’s feeling like this, why his heart hasn’t stopped pounding since he made his way over here.
“Who is Ben?” Noah asks. There’s a hint of jealousy in his voice and he sucks in a breath like that will wash it away.
(It doesn’t.)
“My older brother,” Adrian answers readily, reassuringly. There’s an opening here, and he doesn’t want to lose his chance.
“Oh.” Noah finally looks at him.
“Who did you think he was?”
Adrian knows what he thought, at least he has a pretty good guess, but he wants to hear Noah say it. If he says it, it means that Adrian just might have a shot. It means Noah is feeling something too.
“Your boyfriend.”
Adrian is kind of surprised he admitted it, but he’s happy he did.
“Why would I be trying to kiss you if I had a boyfriend?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really know you, after all.”
He’s right. They don’t know each other, not yet, but Adrian knows they will. He knows because he is ready to answer any question Noah asks, ready to unlock the gates that protect his heart and have a second key made just for him. He is already preparing for the heartache he knows is coming. He will let Noah in, he will let Noah know him, more than anyone else ever has, and he will suffer the consequences and be proved right once more.
“I want to see you again.” It’s a cheesy line, but it’s also the most honest thing Adrian can think to say at that moment.
“I want to see you again, too.” Noah says, and he smiles that smile again. The one that says: fall in love with me, I dare you.
“Go on a date with me,” Adrian says. It comes out much more like an order than he means it to, but he doesn’t care too much about that right now. He’s just laid his heart on the line, now it’s uncaged and bleeding all over the floor, ready for Noah to step on if he wants to. Adrian hopes he doesn’t want to.
“I’d like that,” Noah says.
“You would?”
“Yeah. Did you expect me to say no?”
Adrian doesn’t tell him that he has learned to expect the worst when it comes to love and romance. He doesn’t tell him he knows they won’t last, or that he’s already counting down the days until Noah leaves him with nothing but an empty future, another slash on his heart and a head full of memories that he will never have the pleasure of reliving, nor the mercy of forgetting.
“I didn’t know what to expect,” Adrian tells him instead. “I don’t know you either, yet.”
Maggie calls out to him again, and Lucas taps his bare wrist where a watch would be. Adrian gets the hint and is quick to give Noah his number.
