Heroes Who Annoy

  B. Joseph Huffman

  copyright 2012 by B. Joseph Huffman

  Special thanks to my sister, Bryde, for proofreading this story.

  Roger Hill, a brown-haired, blue-eyed man who looks to be in his mid-twenties, is guest speaking at a conference of the United Planetary Council. His idea is one that will change the world as we know it.

  “The Vexars are to establish and uphold truth, justice, and the laws of the civilizations they come into contact with,” Roger recites from his well-prepared speech.

  When Roger is finished speaking the conference goes into recess so the council members can deliberate.

  “How do you think I did?” Roger asks his four friends once he reaches the corridor where they are waiting for him.

  “Wonderfully,” Amy Cornillius, a brown-haired, green-eyed girl also in her mid-twenties, answers lovingly.

  “I have to admit,” Professor Numb McWierd, another girl who looks to be in her mid-twenties, but has curly black hair and brown eyes, begins. “This is one time that you have finished what you've started.”

  “Its pass or fail from here,” Fonz Heart, a man in his mid-twenties with long brown hair and brown eyes, states.

  “Thanks for the confidence,” Roger Hill tells his best friend with a hint of sarcasm.

  “Look at the bright side,” Bo McWierd, who would look exactly like Roger Hill if he ever changed out of his racing coveralls, begins. “If the Vexar project fails, you'll have more free time.”

  “Oh, whee,” Roger Hill replies to his identical cousin with even more sarcasm than he put into his response to Fonz.

  “You could always go back into teaching,” Amy Cornillius reminds her boyfriend.

  “I will have to remember that,” Roger responds as he gently kisses his girlfriend's cheek and begins to walk away. “I have to get back to the center of attention.”

  A few hours later, Roger Hill and his four friends are in his cousin Numb's laboratory, which happens to be inside the peak of a Canadian mountain. The place is often referred to as Numb Mountain.

  Bo McWierd, Numb's twin brother, lays on a sofa. “I don't believe it,” he says astonished. “They actually passed the Vexar project.”

  Roger, who paces back and forth across the rock floor, thinking, responds, “See what a little bit of faith can accomplish?” Roger stops pacing and smiles. “They even insisted that I appoint my highest ranking staff.”

  “So, what roles do we play?” Fonz asks excitedly, sitting straight up from his slouching position in an armchair.

  “You will be my second-in-command,” Roger smirks as he answers his best friend. “Amy will be our Head of Defense, Numb will be our Head of Offense, and Bo will be our Head of New Memebers and Repairs.”

  “You might want to rethink that,” Numb states matter-of-factly. “Bo can't repair anything. When he tries, the object he's repairing never works again.”

  “You are only saying that because he's your brother,” Roger rebukes.

  “Really?” Numb asks. “Who was the last person to work on your toaster?”

  “Speaking of my toaster,” Roger begins, “it has been a month and he's still not done fixing it. I have toaster parts all over my counter.”

  “He's your identical cousin,” Numb reminds him.

  “He's your twin brother,” Roger argues. “However, I see your point. We'll hire someone to do the repairs.”

  In an unknown location, a woman in her mid-twenties wearing red gloves, boots, and dress with a black belt, streaks across the sky with her black hair flowing in the breeze. She lands in what looks to be a ring of fire.

  Already standing inside the ring of fire is another woman in her mid-twenties. She has long-blonde hair and eyes that glow a solid red color. She wears an orange pantsuit with a red belt that is wider on her left side than on her right and red knee-high boots. Her pale skin looks almost ashen white.

  “Am I late, Speedway?” The woman in red asks.

  “No, Airhead,” Speedway answers. “Mutthead and Kwim haven't arrived yet.”

  A man in his mid-twenties with brown hair and wearing a black pantsuit with a big brown M on his chest, brown belt, boots, and gloves, and a woman, also in her mid-twenties in a sea green pantsuit with a big red K on the top and red belt, gloves, and boots, enter through the flames of the ring of fire.

  “What's the plan?” Kwim asks, the flames shadowing her sea green skin and waist-lenth red hair.

  “To stop the Vexars before they can stop us,” the man she entered with answers.

  “They are new and inexperienced,” Airhead ponders. “I don't think they will be any trouble.”

  “Alright,” Mutthead responds, the solid brown eyeslits in his mask showing obvious disgust for the new band of heroes known as the Vexars. “But, if they decide to cause us any problems, I want them out of my life permanently. Until then, we will continue our crime wave as planned.”

  “Soon every bank on this planet will be broke,” Speedway informs. “We'll be rich.”

  “We will meet again tomorrow to discuss our progress,” Mutthead, the unofficial leader of this group of money hungry thieves, orders.

  “I have this idea for a car,” Roger sates as he holds a set of blueprints while standing beside Numb's workstation. “Can you build it?”

  Numb takes the blueprints from Roger's hands and glances them over. “No problem,” the scientist and inventor answers.

  “How are the plans for Power Hall coming?” Roger Hill asks.

  “Perfectly,” Amy answers, excited at the chance to use her architecture skills.

  “How about the space crew?” Roger asks.

  “I can only think of one person with enough flight experience for it,” Bo explains.

  “I want a crew,” Roger informs, “not one person.”

  “Can't he select his own crew?” Bo asks.

  “Sure,” Roger answers. “Who is he?”

  “Domingo Denado,” Bo replies.

  “Our identical cousin?” Roger asks.

  “Yes,” the race car driving cousin answers.

  “No,” Roger begins. “With every mission he blows up a ship.” Roger waves his arms frantically as he explains his reluctance to hire his space-faring identical cousin. “Couldn't you come up with anyone else?”

  “No,” Bo answers matter-of-factly.

  “Then, against my better judgment, I'll agree to him being part of the team,” Roger reluctantly states.

  “As your second-in-command, what would you like me to do?” Fonz asks.

  “Call Domingo Denado and have him meet me at Amy's apartment in New York,” Roger instructs.

  “Right,” Fonz replies. “Would that be long distance?”

  “We're inside a mountain in Canada,” Roger states with sarcasm. “What do you think?”

  “What's the area code?” Fonz asks.

  “I don't know,” Roger answers. “Check the telephone book.”

  “What's his telephone number?” Fonz asks.

  “You live in Vermont,” Roger informs. “You should know most of this stuff.”

  “555-4762,” Amy answers.

  “How do you know that?” Fonz asks.

  “I have a photographic and phonographic memory,” Amy explains. “I read the New York telephone directory from cover-to-cover.”

  The President of the United Planetary Council appears on one of Numb Mountain's security monitors.

  “Hello, Mr. President,” Roger greets. “To what do we owe the priviledge of your call?”

  “There has been a rash of bank robberies throughout the Earth within the last few minutes,” the UPC President explains. “It appears as though they are being robbed by people with super-human abilities.”

  “We'll get right on it, Sir,” Roger informs. “You have nothing to worry about.”

  “See that I don't,” the President orders as his image disappears from the monitor.

  “I could use my powers of telekinesis to transport the rest of you to where banks are being robbed by super-humans, but I would have to stay here,” Bo informs.

  “Make it happen,” Roger orders.

  The room is suddenly filled with a bright yellow light. When the light dissipates, Bo is the only person left in the room.

  Somewhere in France, Airhead follows Numb into a bank.

  “Nobody move!” Airhead orders.

  “Why does this happen every time I walk into a bank?” Numb asks with mock interest.

  “Shut up!” Airhead demands. “I will blow your head off if you don't!”

  “Do you really think that is necessary?” Numb yawns.

  “I mean it,” Airhead reiterates, “one more word out of you and I will shoot your brains out!”

  “Not with that six-shooter you're not,” Numb informs.

  Airhead fires her pistol at Numb, but the Vexar catches the bullet in her hand. Airhead fires again, and the scene repeats itself. Airhead fires round after round at Numb and the Concentratian scientist

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