Nehan, page 11
We have walked for a few hours and have taken limited breaks only lasting a few minutes each. We're in parts of the cavern we have never been to before. Places that were too risky to reach without having a destination. Fewer insects roam this part, and the ceiling lights have become further apart. A few times we've had to walk in complete darkness, hoping the next light is near. The sound of bats waking up from their sleep has completely disappeared.
I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach and a headache is setting in my head. I haven't had anything to eat in a long time. If Hayden hadn't burned the food depot, we could have brought some snacks to rejuvenate us. I chew my lips as the taste of the last decent meal I had sets on my tongue. It was before I was brought here… The taste slowly returns to my mouth. My dad had spent the evening preparing a steak. It was cooked to perfection, not too hard, not too soft. A glazing brown color. Next to it, a mountain of assorted fries of different lengths and sizes. Then the perfect light sauce on top of the steak to give it that small, extra kick. The first bite was incredible. The spices and flavor mixed around in my mouth took me to heaven and the fries took me back. Back and forth until the whole plate was empty. He had looked at me as if I was mad. I hadn't realized how quickly I had cleared the plate. Except for the salad he made on the side.
As my mind is drifting and my mouth watering, Kai stops and looks at the map for a few seconds, then back up. She looks around and puts the map on the ground, and orients herself next to it.
"It's supposed to be here," she says.
But, in front of her, there's nothing but a stone wall. While I was thinking about food, I didn't realize the path had ended. The only roads left are the ones leading back into the cavern. No sign of an exit anywhere in front of us. No light coming in from any crack or open spaces to suggest this is the end.
"Are you sure?" I say as I walk over to her.
I look down at the map. This looks nothing like the place of the exit on the map. My mouth goes dry again as I look at our surroundings. The only light is coming from the ceiling lights.
"It can't be here," I say.
"I'm sure we walked the right way," Kai says. "I followed every turn according to the map."
She has to be wrong. We must have walked the wrong way. Why would the map be wrong? I opened the exit myself on the computer. There's not even a gate or any type of door nearby.
"Kai, are you sure we didn't miss a turn or something?"
"I'm sure," she asserts.
She's looking around for anything implying a way out. Ness is sitting on his knees on the ground, facing away from us as if he's praying. I go over to the wall in front of us and place both of my hands on it. I drive my feet forcefully into the ground and push against the wall. Nothing happens. I stand upright again and pound and kick the wall until my hands go numb. Not even a crack. A lump forms in my throat.
"There has to be something we missed," I say.
"There's not, Will," Ness protests as he gets up. "Or are you too stupid to understand that?"
He faces us with a darty gaze. His fingers are twitching and he’s grinding his teeth together. His eyes have turned devilish, as if something has possessed him.
"There was never any exit. I should have known something like that would go right over your tiny head. They never meant for us to leave. We're only here to satisfy their wicked scheme. There was never any chance for us. How has that still not occurred to you?… Will, do you believe in God?"
God… When I meet him, the first question out of my mouth will be why he took my family from me. Why he mentally tortured me. And then, to top it off, he put me in this place. I don’t know if I believe in God after all that’s happened, so I don’t answer Ness, but he keeps talking.
"Tell me, why did this happen to us? What point is there to bring us to this place just to watch us slowly die, one by one? Do you think God is a sadist? Sitting on his little cloud, sending bombs of terror down to us just for his own enjoyment? No, Will! That is not how any of this works! Don't you see? We have been given a chance here. We have been given a place of solitude. Nirvana."
"What are you talking about?" I say angrily.
"This cavern. It's an escape from modern society. You believe in God, right? You should count this as a blessing. Few people have what we have. Out there, there's corruption. There's greed and every other sin you can think of. People care more about a concert hall that's being renovated for billions of dollars instead of an organization aimed at changing the structure of education and health care in developing countries. Don't you see how selfish the world is? They claim they have fought through school and work to get to where they are, but they're blind to the privilege they were born into. The very privilege that their ancestors worked hard to grant them has blinded them to the reality of the world. To them, there are not multiple countries. There is only their own, and the others.
"People would rather pay to have two cookies instead of giving one to the homeless man sleeping next to their apartment complex every night. They value their hair more than the lives of children in Africa. They would rather stand up for a person who was looked at wrongly for changing their gender than stand up for the children forced into slavery. They think it's enough to give one dollar to the man freezing every hour of every day of every year at their favorite fashion spot. They think that makes them a good person and that they've done their share of deeds to improve the world. Actors and celebrities stand on supreme stages and proclaim their support for moral causes intended to change the world for the better, but then they step off and go back to their multi-million-dollar home where an immigrant is cleaning their bathrooms. No one is selfless, Will. They don't see the big picture. But we have been given a chance here. A chance to live in isolation from everything that's wrong with the world. A chance to realize the truth about existence itself. Don't you see?"
"You're not making any sense," I say. "I think you're forgett—"
"Do you know the definition of intelligence, Will? The extent of the ability someone has to adapt to new environments and situations. We have to be intelligent. We are free from the concepts created by the lesser brained in the world. Aren't we all just atoms and molecules moving around in an expanding universe with an expiration date? We feel the need to define and categorize everything to make us feel safe and comfortable. How do you think religion was born? Society itself is a concept. The free market is a concept. Education is a concept. None of it works, Will. The world is headed for their doom because the shortsighted far outnumber the intelligent. The foolish are running countries, while the intelligent are stuck realizing the truth about the world. But they can't do anything about it, because the shortsighted outnumber the intelligent."
"You're forgetting something," I say.
As soon as I finish my sentence, the siren goes off. Chills go down my spine and I look at Kai. She's as stunned as I am. What the hell are we supposed to do now? Ness looks around and runs in a random direction back into the cavern.
"Ness, wait!" I say.
Kai and I run after him, but he is surprisingly fast. With the little amount of light in this part of the cavern, it's nearly impossible to see where he is.
"We have to stay together!" I yell.
The siren is echoing through the deserted halls of the cavern, signaling imminent disaster. We have to run now. Maybe if we run, it won't get us. An eternal game of tag. Something is creeping on my back, but I turn my head and nothing is there.
"This way," Kai yells as she runs ahead of me.
She runs in a different direction than Ness. In the distance, he's being enshrouded by a darkness. The Shade. If he's screaming, I can't hear it, but there's no way I'm running that way. I follow Kai even though I have no idea where we're running to, but I guess it doesn't matter. We need to get away.
After minutes of running without slowing down, we stop at a crossroads. I lean on my knees and look at Kai. She's sitting on the ground, catching her breath. She looks back at me. There's nothing to say. I take several deep breaths to calm down, but it doesn't seem to help. Kai gets up and looks around. Her gaze stops and locks to something behind me. Her eyes widen.
"Will…" she says. "Slowly come over here."
Her mouth has fallen open, and she's standing completely still, looking behind me without blinking. As carefully as I have ever done, I take tiny steps towards Kai. My knees are shaking and I almost lose balance. I try my hardest not to step on a rock or kick one across the ground. I hold my breath, but the sound of my pounding heart only grows louder.
I accidentally scrape the bottom of my shoe on the ground and I stop. Something could grab me and remove me from existence in an instant. Like someone is holding a gun on me from a distance. I can't resist the temptation to look back. I slowly turn my head.
As if many weights have been attached all over my body, I freeze in place. Not intentionally. I couldn't move if I wanted to. I can no longer feel my heart beating and my breathing has become so shallow that it can't be considered breathing anymore. The darkness has reached me. This is my end.
Everything in front of me is occupied by a wall of shadows, completely black. They reach the far ends of the ceiling and the ground, but it isn't just a shadow. This is a living thing. In the middle of the dark, two somber eyes are staring into my soul. Large circles of terror, attached to nothing, as if they're floating in the middle of the air. They are staring directly into my eyes, not even slightly moving. Not blinking. Not radiating any sense of life. Two portals to every evil imaginable. And I'm staring straight into them, not able to look away. They're possessing me just by existing. The walls are closing in on me and the darkness enshrouds me.
Kai disappears from my sight. I leap forwards to see her again, but it only gets darker.
“Kai!”
My voice is lost. No one answers. No matter which way I turn, there’s nothing to see. As if my eyes are closed. A wind moves my clothes. They vibrate and flush around my body. The darkness turns into a smoke and spirals around me, forming a tornado. The sound of my breath is thrashing in my ears. I hold my breath as the smoke encircles me and comes closer. The temperature increases and the air turns humid. It’s trying to pierce every barrier in my body. There’s no reason to resist. Maybe Kai will survive…
I close my eyes and let it happen. I scream as my skin boils until I can no longer scream.
CHAPTER XIV
I stand on a desolate beach. My feet are planted deep in the sand, unable to move. No one but me here is here. No buildings or structures in sight. The sky is full of bleak clouds, slowly moving to their unknown destination, carried by a wind howling for purpose. No birds in the sky nor crabs on the sand. The only sound is from the crashing waves, carrying the secrets of the distant world with their every formation. But their language is unbeknownst to me. They're trying to tell me something. A destructive wave is forming in the dreary distance and the waves in front are crying for company. They have been desolate for so long.
A drop falls from above and rolls down my face. I wish for it to join the waters of the ocean. To experience what I can't experience. To see the bright corners of the world. Paint its mark on every shore it passes. On every person it witnesses. The drop continues down my body until it dissipates in the disconcerting sand. As impossible as freedom ever was, as impossible it is to change the landscapes of this fantasy. Is it all in my mind?
Something rises above the surface of the water. The water falls down around it as it reveals a large creature. A creature of emancipation. It floats along with the waves, letting itself be carried by them. Supported by them. I try to raise my hand and wave, but I can't. The creature ignores me. It has somewhere more important to be. I have become irrelevant. As much as I had hoped for my dreams and fantasies to leave a lasting effect on those around me, it guides me into an abyss of delusion, meant to destroy every part of me yearning for restoration.
Footsteps are imprinted in the stand close to me. They end before they lead anywhere. Someone had been here. Like me. Then disappeared as fast as they had come. How many people were here before me? The horizon. The solitude of the beach is becoming one with me.
The sky turns dark and the clouds somber. Rain falls from above and a thunderstorm begins. A lightning strike makes its way down to me and my vision goes blank.
I stand in a gloomy bathroom. The lights are dim and a thick atmosphere dominates the four walls that encapsulate the room. I never thought I would see this place again. To stand here. It seems familiar, yet so distant and obscure. I have always been hesitant to enter this room. Seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours. The ghost of my past stands in front of me, but the mirrors don't reflect him. He's watching the beginning of the end of his life. He's shaking and doesn't know what to do, even though this is his own bathroom.
My brother is lying on the ground, shaking and foaming at the mouth. His hand is clenched around a bag full of pills. The bag is open. He turns his eyes to look at me, but they stop before they reach me. He stops moving. My ghost runs out of the room, but I stand still. This picture has evaded me too many times. It is time I face it.
My brother's eyes are still open. If this was real, I would go over and close them. How many times have I wished I did? I can never change that. But I can remember him. I've been trying to forget for so long, to block it out as if it was weighing me down. I know now that was a mistake. I have to remember him. It is my duty. The moment someone truly dies is the last time someone remembers them. As long as I'm alive, my brother is never dead.
I take small steps towards him and sit on the ground next to him. My heart feels hollow. Am I finally at rest? I look at my brother, and as low as I can, almost a whisper, I say the words I should have said long ago.
"It's not your fault."
Particles of light rise from his body and circle around me. The four walls of the room shoot away in an instant and disappear in the distance. The roof flies up and away and, like the walls, it disappears. My brother and I remain on the floor. We're floating on the highest of clouds, ascending and slowly dispersing as the seconds pass by. Is this the last time I get to see him? Or will I soon join him? I look at my brother as he fragments and disappears. I close my eyes and when I open them again, I'm standing in an underground tunnel.
A depressing aura is present. The walls of the tunnel are worn down and decrepit, lamenting about everything they've seen. Horrible things. The ground is dark and muddy, as if the souls of thousands have been boiled down to tar and left to rot. But only their darkest parts. The ceiling is only occupied by several bleak lamps that disappear in the distance. It's impossible to see the end of the tunnel. No light shines at the end. Only darkness. And a strange orange glow, as if someone is living in the walls, slowly making their way over to me.
My chest hurts. The depth of this place is driving me insane. Like a mythological creature is present, exerting its pure evil on me to try to enter my mind. But my mind is no longer accessible. Two round eyes appear at the end of the tunnel. They reflect the light from above. The last set of eyes to ever look into mine. I refuse to look into them. To acknowledge them. I turn my eyes another way, but the burning sensation of the eyes looking at me forces me to look back.
A hand reaches up from the tar and grabs my leg. Slowly, they're pulling me down to join them. I don't resist. It clenches my leg tightly enough to make it go numb. I try to ignore the pain, but the eyes remind me of the worst of pains. Pain that cannot be ignored. I stand in the abyss of sorrow. Nothing is whole here, for there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The further I descend, the narrower the tunnel seems. As if it's going to flatten every last bit of life in here as soon as I surrender. I'll be damned if the last thing I do is surrender. I pull my feet up as hard as I can from the tar and reach out with my arms to balance myself before my whole body goes down. One foot goes free and the other foot soon follows. The hand no longer has a grip on me. I feel something on my back. I turn my head to look at it, but nothing is there. When I turn my head back, I am no longer in the tunnel. I am in my front garden.
The grass I'm standing on has withered and will no longer regrow. The plants my father had planted have all died from lack of water and proper care. The garden is abandoned, but so many times I used to play here after school. Throw my bag into the house and take a ball outside to play with my friends or my brother. The memories are flying like mosquitoes above me, but I don't pick one to remember. For there is something else here today.
My mother is hanging from the balcony with a rope around her head, rocking back and forth with the wind. Her neck has snapped and her hair is hiding her perished face. Her arms are intertwined, as if she regretted her decision in the last second and tried to loosen herself. But she had already made a choice. If the rope was just half a yard longer, she would have hit the ground. She would realize the mistake she's making. She's wearing a nightgown. The one she always wore when she came into my room and said goodnight, telling me that when I wake up, my life will be a little bit better, brighter, and stronger than it was today. That always gave me hope.
She didn't leave a note. She didn't leave an explanation nor any form of message. I can only assume what she was thinking. Why she did what she did. I have been stuck with that uncertainty my whole life, spending sleepless nights wondering if I did anything wrong or if I could have prevented it. But I never could come up with an answer.
No one is here but me. The road to my house is empty and no one is in the house. There's nothing unclear about this picture, and yet, a mysterious force is soaring around the garden. I don't know where it comes from or what it wants, but I feel oddly secure. Like no one is going to invade or disrupt this moment. I can scream from the darkest parts of my body, and no one will hear. I am all alone.
I look down. The ground seems much farther away than it actually is. Like I'm floating on an invisible cloud. Maybe it's time I come back to the ground. Maybe it's time I put my uncertainty to rest. I walk over to my mom and take her hand in mine. It's cold and dry. Her eyes are closed and she has an indifferent look on her face. Maybe she didn't die in pain. Maybe it was instant. I hope so. I take a deep breath and squeeze her hand. It slowly withers away, but before it can, I say what I should have said long ago.
